Page 8 | Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

Candlemascandy · 2025-02-03T11:28:49+00:00

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility. So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed. Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun. Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan. I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her. Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’. AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 17:44

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 17:06

You’d surely be more angry if she didn’t tell you.
Shes not being spiteful. She just wants a tiny legal event and a bite to eat afterwards. She doesn’t want a big party.
Of course you’re entitled to feel upset - you can have any emotion to want to - it’s your choice. But you seem determined to only see it from your own point of view, and not even try to see it from your Mum’s angle.

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But what is my mum’s angle? If it’s just a bit of paper, don’t play favourites.
Dont bother to tell me when it is.
And why waste my time last year on fanciful explorations of other types of wedding before deciding on one where others are invited? She’s not once said ‘this is what I want and why’ despite me asking her and saying we’d like to be there.

OP posts:

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 03/02/2025 17:23

246to126 · 03/02/2025 11:58

YABU
Dp and I are getting married this year.

We've not even told anyone. We're going to the registry office with our 2 eldest children who will be witnesses.

The youngest 2 will have to wait outside as it would cost £250 to have them attend!

It's just a legality for us

I would pay that myself not to be one of the children who missed out.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 17:20

LazyArsedMagician · 03/02/2025 16:53

Do you still think this even after reading the OP's post from 14:34? Where she talks about how actually, it was looking like a life event that mum wanted to make a big deal about?

Or are you going to ignore that as much as you ignore the fact that one child of half the couple is invited to celebrate but the children of the other half of the couple isn't, thereby kind of negating the whole "there is no life event"?

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Er, yes - I still think the same having read OP's post from 14:34 - otherwise I wouldn't have written my post of 16:17!!

When my DS got married to her partner, she did something similar - a registry office with two witnesses. Those witnesses were local, from his family, not her (our) family. Geographical convenience. Their focus was on marriage, not a wedding - and I managed to avoid conniptions. After the weekday morning slot, they went to a nearby greasy spoon (with the two witnesses, his family) - I do t think it was a massive celebration.

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 17:07

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 17:04

Absolutely!
Currently laughing and crying.

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I feel for you op. Try and take the positives from this thread and forget the rest. You are allowed to feel how you feel and the fact that some other people don't feel that way until it happens to them is irrelevant ❤️💐😊

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 17:06

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:55

If that was what she wanted, she could have done this a year ago when I flagged it to her that she should get married. Not wasted time looking at churches and barns and licensed venues.
And even if it was just that she changed her mind and thought ‘I can’t be bothered with this’ I just want a plain ceremony and no fuss then invite neutral witnesses. Do it and don’t tell us. Run off to Gretna Green. Just don’t be spiteful about it.

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You’d surely be more angry if she didn’t tell you.
Shes not being spiteful. She just wants a tiny legal event and a bite to eat afterwards. She doesn’t want a big party.
Of course you’re entitled to feel upset - you can have any emotion to want to - it’s your choice. But you seem determined to only see it from your own point of view, and not even try to see it from your Mum’s angle.

LooksThroughaGlass · 03/02/2025 17:04

I'm wondering how old you are OP?
If your mum is 81 I'd assume you're at least mid 40s or older.

It seems 'old' to be getting yourself so worked up over this.

If I were your mum I'd be thinking that you didn't want to traipse 200 miles for a small registry office marriage. I'd already decided it wasn't going to include masses of grandkids and was a quiet 'do'.

I decided to ask my partner's daughter as a witness as she lived round the corner - and she is his daughter.

Now, if I were your mum I might ask if you wanted to come. But I'd stress it didn't include the grandkids. So it was up to you to decide if you wanted to.

My guess is that on balance your Mum has decided that it really isn't worth the effort for you. She's not considered your nose is out of joint because her partner's daughter is a witness.

All you can do is tell her how you feel.

And you know what- if you can't communicate with her to say this, it sounds as if your relationship isn't that close anyway. As a middle aged woman you ought to be able to talk this over, in an adult way.

She's not 45 and you're not 20.

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 17:04

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 17:01

Op, I'd put good money on it that had your post started with-

" My elderly mum hasn't been well and wants to get married to her long time partner. Its really only about their finances, and I'm not sure it's worth travelling all that way with the kids just to see them sign a bit of paper and go for dinner after "
You would have had your arse handed to you for not giving a shit about her day, not putting family first and that if you can't be arsed to be there not to expect an inheritance!!!

Edited

Absolutely!
Currently laughing and crying.

OP posts:

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 17:01

Op, I'd put good money on it that had your post started with-

" My elderly mum hasn't been well and wants to get married to her long time partner. Its really only about their finances, and I'm not sure it's worth travelling all that way with the kids just to see them sign a bit of paper and go for dinner after "
You would have had your arse handed to you for not giving a shit about her day, not putting family first and that if you can't be arsed to be there not to expect an inheritance!!!

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:59

ButterCrackers · 03/02/2025 16:55

Ask your mum why you’re not invited. Think of the savings and put this aside for something special later on.

This is kind of where I started. So everyone whom I speak to about my mum’s plans and that I’m not invited says ‘oh just think of the money and effort you’re saving’ and brushes it off. I’m finding it harder and harder to just laugh it off, since some are invited and we are not and that hurts.

OP posts:

ButterCrackers · 03/02/2025 16:55

Ask your mum why you’re not invited. Think of the savings and put this aside for something special later on.

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:55

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 16:39

OP do you really genuinely not understand why your Mum just wants this to be a small affair? My Mum is a similar age and she gets massively stressed at occasions. It’s not personal. If you lived alone and locally, I’m sure you’d be invited too. But the combination of a long journey, and multiple people, turns it from a tiny little legal ceremony to a big party. And at her age, with her health, she doesn’t want that.

If that was what she wanted, she could have done this a year ago when I flagged it to her that she should get married. Not wasted time looking at churches and barns and licensed venues.
And even if it was just that she changed her mind and thought ‘I can’t be bothered with this’ I just want a plain ceremony and no fuss then invite neutral witnesses. Do it and don’t tell us. Run off to Gretna Green. Just don’t be spiteful about it.

OP posts:

LazyArsedMagician · 03/02/2025 16:53

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:55

That's the thing though - there is no life event except in the OP's view and some posters such as yourself

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Do you still think this even after reading the OP's post from 14:34? Where she talks about how actually, it was looking like a life event that mum wanted to make a big deal about?

Or are you going to ignore that as much as you ignore the fact that one child of half the couple is invited to celebrate but the children of the other half of the couple isn't, thereby kind of negating the whole "there is no life event"?

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:50

Usernamexyz1 · 03/02/2025 16:33

come on now. as someone said clearly you and your mum attach different values to a wedding. she has clearly shown she is only doing it for the paper. so she is right to extend that feeling to 'not wanting to spend money on meals, 'for the paper'.

address the issue of care/support you give to her separately. se expects is because you are her daughter. she din't think she then owes you a meal at the wedding she doesn't want to spend on.

why not scream, you want to come. that is basially what you want!?

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I don’t know if you’ve read the whole thread, but she is going for a meal afterwards with her partner’s daughter and husband.
Some people see this as a routine thing to do, others see it as a celebration. Given that my mum only eats out once a year, if that, I’d say she’s making a special effort. So it’s not just signing a bit of paper.

OP posts:

heyhopotato · 03/02/2025 16:48

It sounds like it's just a box checking exercise for legal/financial reasons, it doesn't sound like it's a big deal to her so maybe you're reading too much into it.

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 16:39

OP do you really genuinely not understand why your Mum just wants this to be a small affair? My Mum is a similar age and she gets massively stressed at occasions. It’s not personal. If you lived alone and locally, I’m sure you’d be invited too. But the combination of a long journey, and multiple people, turns it from a tiny little legal ceremony to a big party. And at her age, with her health, she doesn’t want that.

Usernamexyz1 · 03/02/2025 16:35

of course I don't agree with your mum, but I respect her view and perspective.

I also understand why you are upset.

commonsense61 · 03/02/2025 16:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Usernamexyz1 · 03/02/2025 16:33

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:28

Yeah, others have suggested this. I’m reticent to do it though because if she is just using money as an excuse to not have me there then it will be even more obvious and more hurtful. So if I remove the block of ‘it’s too expensive’ then she has to say ‘I really don’t want you there’. I’m not sure I can deal with that, tbh. Plus it also just feels a bit desperate ‘oh please let me come mum. I will pay’. I need some self respect somewhere.

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come on now. as someone said clearly you and your mum attach different values to a wedding. she has clearly shown she is only doing it for the paper. so she is right to extend that feeling to 'not wanting to spend money on meals, 'for the paper'.

address the issue of care/support you give to her separately. se expects is because you are her daughter. she din't think she then owes you a meal at the wedding she doesn't want to spend on.

why not scream, you want to come. that is basially what you want!?

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:28

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 16:26

Out of curiosity OP, did you move 200 miles away from your childhood home, or did your Mum move away when she met her partner?

I moved. Uni/job etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:28

Usernamexyz1 · 03/02/2025 16:24

sorry if already said, did you offer to pay for your meals? I would. you could even say it is in line of gifts.
@Candlemascandy

Yeah, others have suggested this. I’m reticent to do it though because if she is just using money as an excuse to not have me there then it will be even more obvious and more hurtful. So if I remove the block of ‘it’s too expensive’ then she has to say ‘I really don’t want you there’. I’m not sure I can deal with that, tbh. Plus it also just feels a bit desperate ‘oh please let me come mum. I will pay’. I need some self respect somewhere.

OP posts:

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 16:26

Out of curiosity OP, did you move 200 miles away from your childhood home, or did your Mum move away when she met her partner?

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:25

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 16:04

I thought they were going down the pub afterwards (no under 14s)?

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Nope. It’s a restaurant that doesn’t allow kids.

OP posts:

Usernamexyz1 · 03/02/2025 16:24

sorry if already said, did you offer to pay for your meals? I would. you could even say it is in line of gifts.
@Candlemascandy

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:20

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 16:17

Again -so many misconceptions!

A woman's name does not automatically change upon marriage! If she wants to, she can take steps to change it on official paperwork - eg HMRC, passport etc

2 'Step parent': this has no legal status where children are adults! Absolutely no difference pre marriage and post as you're not a child and he's not acquiring parental responsibility!

'Next of kin': is a term people bandy about. It's not a legally defined term and is commonly used in place of 'emergency contact'. For example, when going into hospital you may be asked to name a next of kin, but you can choose whoever you want - you have no legal obligation to put a blood relative.

So - not much to see here

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Wow. And just like that, it no longer matters to me. Cheers. 🤣

OP posts:

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:18

Runningoutofthyme · 03/02/2025 16:17

do you have to submit your birth certificates or photo id ahead of attending this restaurant?
if not just say the kids are over 14
cant imagine they chucking you out if you’ve got a big booking 🤷‍♀️

This is a very good point! Although. Think they might suss the 10 year old.
But anyway, the decision has been made not to include us in the booking so it would just be gatecrashing if we did go.

OP posts: