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AIBU?

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Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 19:39

aha @Candlemascandy

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 19:38

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 19:31

the way you talk about dropping everything when your dm was in hospital and the daughter in law not doing anything due to her pooly husband, it Seems off to me.

perhaps you have upset your own dm by your attitude.

Stop the goady posts. Either say something useful or find another thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 19:36

Onlyvisiting · 03/02/2025 19:06

I'd imagine it's because his daughter and her partner live closer. They need 2 witnesses and they are convenient. Quick wedding and a quiet meal, all done and dusted. And quite probably living closer they have a close/casual relationship where they can drop in and out where as getting all if you to travel makes it much more of an event, presumably you might need accommodation etc. And if you all have family's if they invited one of you or your siblings then they'd need to invite all of you, okus spouses, plus kids.
Where as if they are kind of separate as being his daughter so they can invite her and not feel obliged to have however many people inviting all your mums side would be.

And yes, I do think it is unreasonable to expect 2 80 YO to blow what would be a significant sum on a meal for 10? Plus people . I suspect if you and your sister had organised to take them out and split their costs and pay for your selves as a congratulatory thing you might have found things different.

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Just as a refresher - they are not poor 80 year olds. They could cover the cost of a meal for 14 people. They are just choosing not to. I don’t think that makes it incumbent on me to pay for one either. I paid half the cost of her 80th birthday meal which I could ill afford and was foisted on me at the last minute. I cannot afford her wedding meal costs as well. Even if I was invited.

OP posts:
ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 03/02/2025 19:36

Gymrabbit · 03/02/2025 13:33

*ZebedeeDougalFlorence *

That poster is commenting on a different poster’s experience. Maybe work on your comprehension?

My comments are addressed to OP, not other PPs.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 19:33

Cunningfungus · 03/02/2025 19:01

I could be wrong and I cba to read all the way back through but as far as I recall, they wanted to go to a specific restaurant when others were available. In any case, going for a meal/drinks irrespective of the venue is a celebration no?

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Yeah that’s pretty much it. They are fixed on this venue and I think are using the no kids thing to get out of inviting us all. There’s no clear reason why you would choose it otherwise. It’s not near the registry office, it’s not near where they live, it’s not where they often go.

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 19:31

the way you talk about dropping everything when your dm was in hospital and the daughter in law not doing anything due to her pooly husband, it Seems off to me.

perhaps you have upset your own dm by your attitude.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 19:29

LooksThroughaGlass · 03/02/2025 18:45

Sorry OP but as a woman who must be pushing 50, you've wasted a whole day on this. I'm tired of reading it and you must be exhausted.

I agree with the posters who say you need to talk to your Mum.
As I've posted several times already.

Own you emotions, stop being passive and talk to your Mum.

Don't you see a connection between not being able to communicate with her on this and not being invited to the wedding? Maybe you aren't close anyway.

Sorry @LooksThroughaGlass that you’ve wasted your day reading threads on Mumsnet. I’m tired of reading your responses. You must be exhausted thinking up new ways to keep telling strangers what to do.
If you need a tutorial on how to stop reading, there is a little button in the corner of your screen. Click that and the problem goes away.

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 19:21

i agree, talk to your sister and offer to go up and treat your dm, at your own expense,

how does your sister feel?

Onlyvisiting · 03/02/2025 19:06

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 18:07

Yep, they should have done it last year when they realised. But they have been putting it off, trying to decide where to do it. Some places were too ugly, some too restrictive in their time slots, then she couldn’t find her birth certificate etc etc. there’s always something.
And I thought it was the tradition for you to invite guests to the wedding, not ask them to pay for it. I didn’t ask her to pay at my wedding. Plus she’s happy to pay for his daughter and son to eat out. Why are me and my sister different?

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I'd imagine it's because his daughter and her partner live closer. They need 2 witnesses and they are convenient. Quick wedding and a quiet meal, all done and dusted. And quite probably living closer they have a close/casual relationship where they can drop in and out where as getting all if you to travel makes it much more of an event, presumably you might need accommodation etc. And if you all have family's if they invited one of you or your siblings then they'd need to invite all of you, okus spouses, plus kids.
Where as if they are kind of separate as being his daughter so they can invite her and not feel obliged to have however many people inviting all your mums side would be.

And yes, I do think it is unreasonable to expect 2 80 YO to blow what would be a significant sum on a meal for 10? Plus people . I suspect if you and your sister had organised to take them out and split their costs and pay for your selves as a congratulatory thing you might have found things different.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2025 19:02

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 18:19

ok so your relationship with your mother is bad. This “wedding “ is just the cake topper on a shit relationship. What do you expect us to say? This is not a problem to be solved its an awful experience to be grieved. But the wedding is almost beside the point. Because the relationship between you snd your mother seems to have died long before its funeral—this wedding.

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I think that's a very astute take. 👏

Cunningfungus · 03/02/2025 19:01

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 16:04

I thought they were going down the pub afterwards (no under 14s)?

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I could be wrong and I cba to read all the way back through but as far as I recall, they wanted to go to a specific restaurant when others were available. In any case, going for a meal/drinks irrespective of the venue is a celebration no?

mrstea301 · 03/02/2025 19:01

HamandCheeseSandwich · 03/02/2025 11:30

I think you have different ideas about how important this is. They just want a piece of paper.

That is fine if they just want a piece of paper, but if that is the case, why have they been planning it for over a year?

It does feel a bit deliberate tbh. I can understand not wanting to make a fuss or make a big day of it, but in that case why not go to a registry office and take witnesses off the street? Why is his daughter invited and not hers? It can't purely be money surely?

Reddog1 · 03/02/2025 18:58

She sounds sensible and pragmatic. A marriage is a legal contract after all and there have been enough wise posts on here over the years urging people to think logically not romantically about it.

BUT … I do see your point. They should’ve asked two friends or neighbours to witness it rather than asking 1/3 of the children they have between them plus spouse. That decision was poorly thought out.

They probably reckoned that they’d have to buy your stepsister and her DH lunch even though they’d have been happy to grab fish and chips on the way home for themselves.

In summary, I think they’ve been thoughtless. I also suspect that despite prior talk of barns etc, if they could just quietly go to a solicitor and be declared married, they probably would!

LooksThroughaGlass · 03/02/2025 18:45

Sorry OP but as a woman who must be pushing 50, you've wasted a whole day on this. I'm tired of reading it and you must be exhausted.

I agree with the posters who say you need to talk to your Mum.
As I've posted several times already.

Own you emotions, stop being passive and talk to your Mum.

Don't you see a connection between not being able to communicate with her on this and not being invited to the wedding? Maybe you aren't close anyway.

hideawayforever · 03/02/2025 18:45

They should have asked all of their kids (3) or none

BetterWithPockets · 03/02/2025 18:40

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:55

If that was what she wanted, she could have done this a year ago when I flagged it to her that she should get married. Not wasted time looking at churches and barns and licensed venues.
And even if it was just that she changed her mind and thought ‘I can’t be bothered with this’ I just want a plain ceremony and no fuss then invite neutral witnesses. Do it and don’t tell us. Run off to Gretna Green. Just don’t be spiteful about it.

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IS she doing it to be spiteful? If so, of course YANBU to feel hurt.

If they’ve asked his DD solely because she’s local, then you are, of course, still allowed to feel hurt — your feelings are your feelings, after all — but perhaps it means she’s not deliberately trying to spite you.

FWIW, when DH & I got married, we had 2 (local) family members as witnesses, and went out for a meal with them after. No other family or friends invited as it was very much a practical thing for us. Like your DM, we also wanted to keep costs down. I think it’s okay for it to be a practical thing but still want to do something small to mark the occasion.

Can you ask your DM how you can celebrate with her, separately from the day itself, and see what she suggests?

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 18:37

@Weepixie yeah it does. Thanks for seeing that.

OP posts:
Weepixie · 03/02/2025 18:34

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:02

To be clear, I wasn’t asking for suggestions. I was asking if it’s unreasonable to be hurt.

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Despite a bigger picture being painted the longer the thread has gone on I still think you are not being unreasonable to be hurt. In fact it must hurt like blazes.

BeaAndBen · 03/02/2025 18:24

She's clearly changed her mind from last year, OP.

Maybe her recent pneumonia was a factor, maybe she got kind of swept up with planning it with you and then felt it was becoming a bit much, maybe the meal for 14 rather than 4 was a factor. Maybe, and I'm basing it on my MIL's recent changes of mind - she just cannot be arsed with it.

They've asked people local to them. The most obvious local people are his daughter and her bloke, from down the road. That's all.
It's not choosing his daughter over you and your sister, it's not judging you unworthy, it's not diminishing you in any way unless you want to see it that way. It's a practical choice.

What's been judged as insignificant and not worthy is the event itself. No flowers, no photographer, not fancy outfits and reception, no pretty venue.

I'm sorry your time last year was wasted. I'm really sorry you are hurt by her and her partner's decisions. But the point I and many others have been trying to make is that you don't need to be. There was no slight intended to you. They just downgraded to a quick civil ceremony.

The more you push to come, they less they are likely to want it because that makes it into A Whole Thing, rather than a quite (tedious) contract. Which they have decided against.

Greenkindness · 03/02/2025 18:22

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 18:19

ok so your relationship with your mother is bad. This “wedding “ is just the cake topper on a shit relationship. What do you expect us to say? This is not a problem to be solved its an awful experience to be grieved. But the wedding is almost beside the point. Because the relationship between you snd your mother seems to have died long before its funeral—this wedding.

Edited
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Um presumably things were ok between them a few months ago when her mum was in hospital and OP went to visit and helped her stepfather out? She wasn’t exactly turned away or told not to come. They aren’t estranged.

crockofshite · 03/02/2025 18:21

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 18:13

op @Candlemascandy instead of spending a day on here putting across your point of view,
speak to your dm

Brilliant!

Have you thought of being a therapist?

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 18:19

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:28

Yeah, others have suggested this. I’m reticent to do it though because if she is just using money as an excuse to not have me there then it will be even more obvious and more hurtful. So if I remove the block of ‘it’s too expensive’ then she has to say ‘I really don’t want you there’. I’m not sure I can deal with that, tbh. Plus it also just feels a bit desperate ‘oh please let me come mum. I will pay’. I need some self respect somewhere.

Show quote history

ok so your relationship with your mother is bad. This “wedding “ is just the cake topper on a shit relationship. What do you expect us to say? This is not a problem to be solved its an awful experience to be grieved. But the wedding is almost beside the point. Because the relationship between you snd your mother seems to have died long before its funeral—this wedding.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 18:19

@Holdonforsummer that sounds awful for you. Both parents. Bloody hell. 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 18:16

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 18:13

op @Candlemascandy instead of spending a day on here putting across your point of view,
speak to your dm

This is possibly one of the more useless comments that comes up on Mumsnet threads. If people where able to talk and sort things out irl they wouldn’t be asking strangers on the internet if they are being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Holdonforsummer · 03/02/2025 18:16

Both my parents did the same so I sympathise OP. My dad married his South African girlfriend about 10 years ago and only told us after the event (also told us he’d converted to Islam at the same time! 🙄) then about 6 years ago, my mum married her long term partner. I was hurt too but they insisted on no family at all - none of her children or his children. Instead, they invited two neighbours to be witnesses. Their reasoning was that his children weren’t delighted about the second wedding so it was easier just not to invite all of us. We were super hurt, especially when she sent photos of the day but there wasn’t much we could do. I think you can bring it up once with your mum but if she doesn’t change her mind, you will have to drop it. Good luck