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Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 03/02/2025 20:50

I can imagine my DM doing this as she wouldn't want me to be put out or have to spend money etc and she would see it as a very practical thing and not anything special that needed me there

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 20:44

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 20:13

Hm, but she had one with 12 for her 80th and absolutely loved it. Sooooo what’s the difference? The only thing I can see is that she didn’t pay. And neither did her partner.

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Hasn’t she been really ill since then though? Whenever my Mum has a chest infection she’s exhausted for weeks afterwards. Maybe right now she just can’t face the thought of a party.

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 20:44

@LooksThroughaGlass · Today 17:04

I'm wondering how old you are OP?
If your mum is 81 I'd assume you're at least mid 40s or older.
It seems 'old' to be getting yourself so worked up over this.

Oh, is there an age limit on being hurt and upset at being treated like a piece of worthless shit by your mother? I didn't know that. I must have missed that memo!

Give me fucking strength! Hmm

Onlyvisiting · 03/02/2025 20:42

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 19:36

Just as a refresher - they are not poor 80 year olds. They could cover the cost of a meal for 14 people. They are just choosing not to. I don’t think that makes it incumbent on me to pay for one either. I paid half the cost of her 80th birthday meal which I could ill afford and was foisted on me at the last minute. I cannot afford her wedding meal costs as well. Even if I was invited.

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You wouldn't need to pay for 14 people, pay for your own families and split your parents bill. Or all pay your own way.

And however just you think they 'could' afford to treat 14 people they clearly don't want to.
I mean, I 'could' take a few hundred £ in 20s and set light to it. I could afford it but would be a huge waste so wouldn't do it.

This seems to have turned less from you being upset you aren't invited to celebrate and more that you are upset they won't pay for a family do.
If you want a family meal you pay for it, ir at least oay your own way. You don't get to throw a tizzy because they choose not buy you all a meal.
If you are so sure that as its their wedding they 'ought ' to pay for it as that's the done thing- how much are you sending them as a wedding gift?

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 03/02/2025 20:41

Some people just aren’t wedding people and would rather as little fuss and expense as possible and it’s really nothing personal. If they’ve been together 30+ years it’s literally just about getting a certificate to protect each other when the inevitable happens. They’d probably fill in a form at the post office instead if that was available. I know that’s what Dh and I would have done if we’d had the choice.

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 20:41

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 17:01

Op, I'd put good money on it that had your post started with-

" My elderly mum hasn't been well and wants to get married to her long time partner. Its really only about their finances, and I'm not sure it's worth travelling all that way with the kids just to see them sign a bit of paper and go for dinner after "
You would have had your arse handed to you for not giving a shit about her day, not putting family first and that if you can't be arsed to be there not to expect an inheritance!!!

Edited

100% this. ^ Some proper nasty, shitty responses on here, aimed at the OP... A woman who's mother doesn't give a shit about her feelings. As I said @Candlemascandy give your mother a wide berth from now on. Let the 'favourite' who is invited to the wedding do things for your mum and her husband now, let them run themselves ragged for them, and let them be the primary carers when your mum and her new husband need looking after (which won't be that far away to be honest.)

Just enjoy your life, and your lovely immediate family. Fuck your mum, fuck her 'fiancé' and fuck his family too. Leave them all to it.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 03/02/2025 20:36

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 20:20

@MistressoftheDarkSide Christ that sounds grim. I really feel for you, getting all that heaped on you, plus a little side helping of scorn too.

Thank you @Candlemascandy I'm in a particular kind of hell with it all and have my inner child bound and gagged in a closet. I am quite numb to it all, although her lecture on how I had to put my big girl pants on and not be such a Daddy's girl (laughable as that was exactly her role when her Dad was alive) delivered on the second anniversary of my DPs death was a bitter pill to swallow in the circumstances as I sat by her hospital bed having unpleasant flashbacks.

Families are complex creatures.

So, solidarity and I wish you all the very best.

Cm19841 · 03/02/2025 20:24

It's difficult for you OP but you should let this go.

  • your mother sounds like she is tight and doesn't want to pay for any wedding at all really. Certainly not interested in the cost of guests. She didn't even want to pay for her own birthday.
  • they didn't know they had to get married to protect themselves which by their age and the length of time together makes them sound extremely foolish. Then their first response to your advice to marry was to assume your motivation was money and personal gain. So emotionally unaware as well as financially dim.

They are likely not warm, generous people and it does seem like there is a history of it. Just wish them well and withdraw enough to protect yourself from the harm this thing is causing you.

prelovedusername · 03/02/2025 20:20

Is it possible your DM is just trying to keep numbers to an absolute minimum? Her DH2B has only one DC and partner coming so that’s the minimum two witnesses requirement met. She can’t ask you and not your sister so with spouses that’s four more people. And it sounds like you’d want your DC involved.

It’s their wedding and at 81 I’m guessing a lot of this is about not wanting the stress of organising anything. If you and your sister offered to organise and pay for everything, just so you could make a (small) family occasion of it, do you think she’d agree?

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 20:20

@MistressoftheDarkSide Christ that sounds grim. I really feel for you, getting all that heaped on you, plus a little side helping of scorn too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 20:15

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 19:48

what does your sister say @Candlemascandy

I did say in an earlier post. My sister has got a load of other shite to deal with at the moment so she’s focussed on that. And I totally get it.

OP posts:
WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 20:15

BIossomtoes · 03/02/2025 20:13

You missed a post. She moved away from her family when she went to uni.

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Yes, sorry I noticed and edited my post x

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 20:14

i hope you can build bridges with your mum @Candlemascandy

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 20:13

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 19:51

She doesn’t want a big party with 14 people. That’s all there is to it. And that’s fine. Not everyone likes parties.
It’s not a personal slight on you. Any more than you choosing to move 200 miles away from her was a personal slight on her. Different people want different things.

Hm, but she had one with 12 for her 80th and absolutely loved it. Sooooo what’s the difference? The only thing I can see is that she didn’t pay. And neither did her partner.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 03/02/2025 20:13

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 20:09

Apologies, deleted because I scrolled back through 4 pages of op posts to find I was wrong and she moved away for uni 🤣

Edited
Show quote history

You missed a post. She moved away from her family when she went to uni.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 03/02/2025 20:10

To those saying marriage is no big deal, it's just a legal device etc, it does have an impact on alot of things, otherwise divorcing wouldn't be such a ball ache. In this case it's being used for financial protection in later years. It does play into things like who is NOK if nobody else is specified - if you have a legal spouse they tend to be the default, at least in my experience.

In the case of my DF and not so DSM, together 40 years, married for 25, they have separated for various complicated reasons and dealing with various official bodies from HCPs down to council officials has been a blooming nightmare because of various interpretations of and attitudes to their married status. Both in their 80s, now with solicitors in the mixand honestly I could cry. No divorce on the cards yet, but God knows where it's going.

After they separated, it took me months to get through to my Dad that he had to change his will to make sure that she didn't automatically inherit everything (he has no assets, she owns a property). Also to make sure that if anything happened to him that she wouldn't be automatically given a say in his care or his funeral arrangements, because she would have taken great delight in making my life a misery in such circumstances. She's a tiny dot of a woman but she could start a fight in an empty room and if she said the sky was blue I'd need to see it with my own eyes.

At one point last year, when we were still on speaking terms and I was doing hospital visiting every other day because DF was too unwell, she spent an hour gleefully plotting his funeral and informed me that I would probably be a bit upset, so I could go to the funeral and have a couple if friends to support me, but as the wake would be at a "naice" hotel, we should only stay for an hour as they wouldn't want us lowering the tone, and there would be no alcohol. I stopped swigging meths from the bottle in a brown paper bag at that point and gave her a bit of mild side eye. Obviously that's a joke. Yes, she's unwell, but she "has capacity" so she can say and do what she likes apparently.

Sorry for the tangent, what I'm trying to get across is that marriage being just a formality of some sort is an extraordinarily simplistic view for both legal and cultural reasons, and it can shape and influence all sorts of things including emotional ties and practical/legal issues.

OP wants to mark the occasion from affectionate motives, but is being frozen out for reasons which seem clear cut in her mother's eyes, but not to her, given the build up, and it is rather cold. She is allowed to feel how she feels, and I feel for her.

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 20:09

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 19:51

She doesn’t want a big party with 14 people. That’s all there is to it. And that’s fine. Not everyone likes parties.
It’s not a personal slight on you. Any more than you choosing to move 200 miles away from her was a personal slight on her. Different people want different things.

Apologies, deleted because I scrolled back through 4 pages of op posts to find I was wrong and she moved away for uni 🤣

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 20:05

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2025 19:50

And why is there such distrust of OP? Is there more to the story? (Not that I'm saying there must be, mind you. My money is still on the mum's partner being the driver of the bus).

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that is not distrust, far from it, i just think talking to people in real life solves issues

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 19:51

She doesn’t want a big party with 14 people. That’s all there is to it. And that’s fine. Not everyone likes parties.
It’s not a personal slight on you. Any more than you choosing to move 200 miles away from her was a personal slight on her. Different people want different things.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2025 19:50

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 19:48

what does your sister say @Candlemascandy

And why is there such distrust of OP? Is there more to the story? (Not that I'm saying there must be, mind you. My money is still on the mum's partner being the driver of the bus).

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 19:48

what does your sister say @Candlemascandy

Gymrabbit · 03/02/2025 19:47

Holdonforsummer

You say your parents ‘did the same’
but then explain that they had none of their children there. So that’s completely different to the OP where one child has been invited and two excluded.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 19:45

JuvenileBigfoot · 03/02/2025 19:43

Me and my mum went out for a boozy lunch when I gave her a lift to the dentist last week 🤣

A meal out is not a big special occasion to some people. In my family it's something we do because we enjoy it and cba to cook.

Show quote history

This may be true. But it’s not true of my mum. She very rarely goes out to eat, maybe once a year. If that. So going for a meal is a big deal.

OP posts:
JuvenileBigfoot · 03/02/2025 19:43

Gymrabbit · 03/02/2025 13:21

Those of you chatting about it being ‘just a piece of paper’ or ‘just a formal contract’ to the mum, can you explain why the mum is going out to dinner with her step child after?

I don’t go out for a meal after I go to the bank or sign a form and I doubt you do either.

YaNbu at all OP. They have made their choices here and I would be making it clear to them that the favoured children can care for them as their health deteriorates.

Me and my mum went out for a boozy lunch when I gave her a lift to the dentist last week 🤣

A meal out is not a big special occasion to some people. In my family it's something we do because we enjoy it and cba to cook.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 19:41

Reddog1 · 03/02/2025 18:58

She sounds sensible and pragmatic. A marriage is a legal contract after all and there have been enough wise posts on here over the years urging people to think logically not romantically about it.

BUT … I do see your point. They should’ve asked two friends or neighbours to witness it rather than asking 1/3 of the children they have between them plus spouse. That decision was poorly thought out.

They probably reckoned that they’d have to buy your stepsister and her DH lunch even though they’d have been happy to grab fish and chips on the way home for themselves.

In summary, I think they’ve been thoughtless. I also suspect that despite prior talk of barns etc, if they could just quietly go to a solicitor and be declared married, they probably would!

Also - she’s not sensible and pragmatic. I told them they needed to do this to protect the surviving partner. They didn’t believe me and said I was trying to avoid paying inheritance tax myself. They couldn’t see that actually it could make things worse for me. They refused to believe it for ages until they spoke to a solicitor who said ‘just get married’

OP posts: