Page 4 | Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

Ellie1015 · 04/02/2025 08:51

Sounds like your mum also doesn't want a fuss. If you offered for you and your sister to join she might be more open dh's could watch the kids.

It is not about finding anyone intolerable but many of my older relatives didn't enjoy group gatherings as they aged, it was too overwhelming.

Also if there are 14 in attendance, dressed up and taking photos it is getting quite different from the paperwork wedding they want.

RedSkyDelights · 04/02/2025 08:45

Candlemascandy · 04/02/2025 08:17

I’m not looking for answers. It’s not a ‘wolf/goat/cabbage across the river’ problem. The question was about Aibu to feel hurt, since people in real life are saying ‘oh look at the positives’ of not being invited to be part of my mum’s wedding ceremony or day.

People get very lost on these long threads and go off topic.

Show quote history

You can feel however you want.

But this is a situation where it seems like there is no solution that wouldn't result in someone being hurt.

I think that's an entirely different case to where you have Option A that meant everyone would be happy but Option B meant you would be upset, and Option B had been selected.

The key thing is what you do now. You can
-talk to your mum to see if there is a possible alternative that would be better
-get over your upset and move on or
-decide that this is a more general pattern and the lightbulb moment that you need to have a different relationship with your mum in the future

Frangela · 04/02/2025 08:35

Candlemascandy · 04/02/2025 08:32

I’m not missing the point. I was responding to another person’s post that said ‘perhaps she finds you all too much’ by pointing out that isn’t that just as awful a thing to think about as not being invited to something? Because if that is true of this scenario, it’s true of anything - visits, birthdays, Christmas. And just for a second imagine that your own family find you too much and don’t want to be around you. How would you process that?

Show quote history

She finds you too much for an occasion she is very clear on wanting to keep stripped down, maybe. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you around for birthdays or Christmas.

Frangela · 04/02/2025 08:34

Candlemascandy · 04/02/2025 08:26

I haven’t asked strangers what to do to fix it. I asked whether it was valid to feel hurt. Whether this was a typical experience. Whether I was overreacting or whether others would feel the same in a similar hypothetical scenario.

I can’t demand that my mother does anything differently to what she’s already planned. Any conversation with her about it is likely to elicit a brush off or become about cost.

im working through my feelings on this.

Show quote history

And you feel how you feel and it’s fine to work through your feelings, obviously.

But your question in your OP was ‘AIBU to think you invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford to and there’s no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?’

But there are a number of perfectly valid reasons your mother doesn’t want her children and their families there. It comes down to you thinking your wishes are more important than hers.

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 04/02/2025 08:32

Frangela · 04/02/2025 08:25

You’re still missing the point, OP. She doesn’t want getting married to be anything other than the most stripped-down possible legal thing. Every one of your posts makes it plain that you’re determined to make it much more of a big deal than she wants, because of a fairly volatile combination of self-righteousness (‘A mother should invite her child to her wedding!’), jealousy of your mother’s partner’s daughter (‘She didn’t help when my mother fell ill!’) and projecting your own feelings onto your children (‘They will be devastated at not being invited to their grandmother’s wedding!’). And that’s leaving aside the fact that you and your sister, your husbands and children numerically make it a far bigger wedding than your mother wants.

Why is it so difficult to accept that her wishes take precedence? Is it because you have such strong opinions about how she should feel?

Show quote history

I’m not missing the point. I was responding to another person’s post that said ‘perhaps she finds you all too much’ by pointing out that isn’t that just as awful a thing to think about as not being invited to something? Because if that is true of this scenario, it’s true of anything - visits, birthdays, Christmas. And just for a second imagine that your own family find you too much and don’t want to be around you. How would you process that?

OP posts:

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 04/02/2025 08:26

LooksThroughaGlass · 04/02/2025 08:18

@Candlemascandy Why can't you talk to your Mum on this?

You've spent ages asking strangers what to do and explaining how you feel.

If your relationship with her is ever to move forwards and find some resolution (rather than you feeling hurt, angry and bitter for the rest of her and your lives) you need to talk.

I haven’t asked strangers what to do to fix it. I asked whether it was valid to feel hurt. Whether this was a typical experience. Whether I was overreacting or whether others would feel the same in a similar hypothetical scenario.

I can’t demand that my mother does anything differently to what she’s already planned. Any conversation with her about it is likely to elicit a brush off or become about cost.

im working through my feelings on this.

OP posts:

Frangela · 04/02/2025 08:25

Candlemascandy · 04/02/2025 08:13

Maybe this is the case, but do you not think that that’s an even worse case scenario to consider than being uninvited to a wedding? That my own mother finds the company of her daughters and grandchildren intolerable and that we should accept that and not be hurt? The grandchildren aren’t toddlers. They range from 10-20 years old.

Show quote history

You’re still missing the point, OP. She doesn’t want getting married to be anything other than the most stripped-down possible legal thing. Every one of your posts makes it plain that you’re determined to make it much more of a big deal than she wants, because of a fairly volatile combination of self-righteousness (‘A mother should invite her child to her wedding!’), jealousy of your mother’s partner’s daughter (‘She didn’t help when my mother fell ill!’) and projecting your own feelings onto your children (‘They will be devastated at not being invited to their grandmother’s wedding!’). And that’s leaving aside the fact that you and your sister, your husbands and children numerically make it a far bigger wedding than your mother wants.

Why is it so difficult to accept that her wishes take precedence? Is it because you have such strong opinions about how she should feel?

LooksThroughaGlass · 04/02/2025 08:21

The question was about Aibu to feel hurt

You aren't unreasonable to feel hurt.

However, you are being unreasonable not to talk to her about it and how it's made you feel.

You're not giving her the chance to understand what she's done and how she could change that.

That's unfair on her and also on you.

If you don't talk to her you'll carry resentment until she dies.

No matter how hard it might feel to broach this with her now, my feeling is that's better than simmering resentment for the next 10 years or however long.

LooksThroughaGlass · 04/02/2025 08:18

@Candlemascandy Why can't you talk to your Mum on this?

You've spent ages asking strangers what to do and explaining how you feel.

If your relationship with her is ever to move forwards and find some resolution (rather than you feeling hurt, angry and bitter for the rest of her and your lives) you need to talk.

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 04/02/2025 08:17

RedSkyDelights · 04/02/2025 07:39

If choosing one witness out of OP and her sister was going to be problematic, then I suspect that's another reason why OP's mother decided not to invite them.

I agree with you, that i can't see what the issue with one of them being the "official " witness would be if they are both there. Interested to know how OP would organise this wedding if she was the one in charge. I actually can't think of a solution that would please everyone.

If both OP and her sister come with their husbands and children, as she wants, that makes 10(?) people from her mum's family and only 2 from the partner's family which is very unbalanced in favour of mum's side.

It can't just be adults as OP won't leave her children with anyone else.

It can't just be the 3 children of the couple to be married as it means one person won't be a witness.

What exactly is the answer?

Edited

Show quote history

I’m not looking for answers. It’s not a ‘wolf/goat/cabbage across the river’ problem. The question was about Aibu to feel hurt, since people in real life are saying ‘oh look at the positives’ of not being invited to be part of my mum’s wedding ceremony or day.

People get very lost on these long threads and go off topic.

OP posts:

LooksThroughaGlass · 04/02/2025 08:16

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 20:55

@LooksThroughaGlass · Today 18:45

Sorry OP but as a woman who must be pushing 50, you've wasted a whole day on this. I'm tired of reading about it and you must be exhausted.

So because your nasty barbed comment (from 17.04) about the OP's age, and how she is allegedly 'too old to be bothered about all this' didn't get a response the first time, you thought you'd mention it again. What pathetic, attention-seeking behaviour from you.

And by the way, there is NO AGE LIMIT on feeling upset and hurt. Have a word with yourself FFS!

Oh and if you're 'tired of reading about it' hide the bloody thread! 🙄

Edited

@BatchCookBabe
Not holding back with your nastiness? How you can post like that because you disagree with someone. And to suggest I have word with myself....

The point about the OP's age wasn't 'barbed'. I'm much older than she is.
It also wasn't about there being an age limit to being hurt.
You've missed the point.

The point was that an adult in midlife should be able to talk to their mum about this, rather than waste energy arguing online with strangers - who are just annoying her more!

The only way this can be resolved is to accept it and move on - or to talk to the mum and say how she feels.

She appears unwilling to do that.

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 04/02/2025 08:13

Agix · 04/02/2025 03:15

Maybe your mum finds you, your sister and all her grandchildren a bit difficult and overwhelming, and just wants to have a nice relaxed day. Perhaps the "no under 14s" place was on purpose, so you at least couldn't bring all the kids. Maybe she didn't enjoy her 12 people birthday as much as you thought and is tired of pretending she enjoys the fuss.

Maybe this is the case, but do you not think that that’s an even worse case scenario to consider than being uninvited to a wedding? That my own mother finds the company of her daughters and grandchildren intolerable and that we should accept that and not be hurt? The grandchildren aren’t toddlers. They range from 10-20 years old.

OP posts:

RedSkyDelights · 04/02/2025 07:39

Weepixie · 04/02/2025 05:15

I’ve suggested the soon to be step sister is her fathers witness and the Op is her mothers but the Op has said there is her sister to consider also. So it seems that even deciding which of the sisters would be their mums witness is also problematic.

I still feel very much for the Op and I believe she loves her mum very much but based on my own life experience I’m struggling to understand why deciding which sister would be the witness is important. I thought it would a case of it not mattering as long as one of them or both of them were there.

Show quote history

If choosing one witness out of OP and her sister was going to be problematic, then I suspect that's another reason why OP's mother decided not to invite them.

I agree with you, that i can't see what the issue with one of them being the "official " witness would be if they are both there. Interested to know how OP would organise this wedding if she was the one in charge. I actually can't think of a solution that would please everyone.

If both OP and her sister come with their husbands and children, as she wants, that makes 10(?) people from her mum's family and only 2 from the partner's family which is very unbalanced in favour of mum's side.

It can't just be adults as OP won't leave her children with anyone else.

It can't just be the 3 children of the couple to be married as it means one person won't be a witness.

What exactly is the answer?

Weepixie · 04/02/2025 05:15

RedSkyDelights · 03/02/2025 21:32

maybe i've missed this- but have you suggested that, if mum and partner don't want a huge fuss or cost, that they just have yourself, your sister, and partner's daughter at the ceremony and meal afterwards?

I’ve suggested the soon to be step sister is her fathers witness and the Op is her mothers but the Op has said there is her sister to consider also. So it seems that even deciding which of the sisters would be their mums witness is also problematic.

I still feel very much for the Op and I believe she loves her mum very much but based on my own life experience I’m struggling to understand why deciding which sister would be the witness is important. I thought it would a case of it not mattering as long as one of them or both of them were there.

Beebsta · 04/02/2025 04:39

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

I haven’t read the full thread but my DH’s father told him after the fact that he got engaged and was getting married in the next couple of weeks. To a woman we had no idea existed. He lived abroad and was in his 70’s.

We were not invited. I don’t think FIL even considered that DH might like to attend. So bizarre! We have met her now and she is lovely. FIL is a bit of a weird one and generally not good at social and family stuff.

Agix · 04/02/2025 03:15

Maybe your mum finds you, your sister and all her grandchildren a bit difficult and overwhelming, and just wants to have a nice relaxed day. Perhaps the "no under 14s" place was on purpose, so you at least couldn't bring all the kids. Maybe she didn't enjoy her 12 people birthday as much as you thought and is tired of pretending she enjoys the fuss.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 04/02/2025 02:43

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 22:12

The discussion started to focus on whether me paying for myself or my family or everyone would smooth the problem. That’s why it’s become about cost.
But even if we suck up paying for ourselves (and to be clear, I’ve never heard of guests having to pay for themselves at a close relative’s wedding) it doesn’t get over the fact that they are not really inviting us as a family.
Plus it baffles me that people think I should pay to attend my own mother’s marriage and maybe help them out with costs. I couldn’t afford to, even if I wanted to.

Show quote history

Actually people do pay to attend but usually it’s the cost of the gift.

Every wedding I’ve attended I’ve at least covered the cost of my plate.

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 22:18

Cm19841 · 03/02/2025 20:24

It's difficult for you OP but you should let this go.

your mother sounds like she is tight and doesn't want to pay for any wedding at all really. Certainly not interested in the cost of guests. She didn't even want to pay for her own birthday.
they didn't know they had to get married to protect themselves which by their age and the length of time together makes them sound extremely foolish. Then their first response to your advice to marry was to assume your motivation was money and personal gain. So emotionally unaware as well as financially dim.

They are likely not warm, generous people and it does seem like there is a history of it. Just wish them well and withdraw enough to protect yourself from the harm this thing is causing you.

I think this is about right ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 22:15

MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 20:44

Hasn’t she been really ill since then though? Whenever my Mum has a chest infection she’s exhausted for weeks afterwards. Maybe right now she just can’t face the thought of a party.

Show quote history

The ‘not invited’ plan was in place before she fell ill. And it wouldn’t be a party, just a meal in a restaurant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 22:14

OopsyDaisie · 03/02/2025 21:20

Maybe that's thw problem for you to attend then... not that your mum "favours" the stepdaughter....
There are a few options for the children... stay with family, babysitter, friends or with your husband and only you go to dinner...

Show quote history

We’ve been over this earlier in the day today. Not an option.

OP posts:

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 22:12

Onlyvisiting · 03/02/2025 20:42

You wouldn't need to pay for 14 people, pay for your own families and split your parents bill. Or all pay your own way.

And however just you think they 'could' afford to treat 14 people they clearly don't want to.
I mean, I 'could' take a few hundred £ in 20s and set light to it. I could afford it but would be a huge waste so wouldn't do it.

This seems to have turned less from you being upset you aren't invited to celebrate and more that you are upset they won't pay for a family do.
If you want a family meal you pay for it, ir at least oay your own way. You don't get to throw a tizzy because they choose not buy you all a meal.
If you are so sure that as its their wedding they 'ought ' to pay for it as that's the done thing- how much are you sending them as a wedding gift?

Show quote history

The discussion started to focus on whether me paying for myself or my family or everyone would smooth the problem. That’s why it’s become about cost.
But even if we suck up paying for ourselves (and to be clear, I’ve never heard of guests having to pay for themselves at a close relative’s wedding) it doesn’t get over the fact that they are not really inviting us as a family.
Plus it baffles me that people think I should pay to attend my own mother’s marriage and maybe help them out with costs. I couldn’t afford to, even if I wanted to.

OP posts:

RedSkyDelights · 03/02/2025 21:32

maybe i've missed this- but have you suggested that, if mum and partner don't want a huge fuss or cost, that they just have yourself, your sister, and partner's daughter at the ceremony and meal afterwards?

OopsyDaisie · 03/02/2025 21:20

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:19

And what do you suggest that the two under 14s do? Take themselves to get a sandwich whilst we are in the restaurant? 😆

Show quote history

Maybe that's thw problem for you to attend then... not that your mum "favours" the stepdaughter....
There are a few options for the children... stay with family, babysitter, friends or with your husband and only you go to dinner...

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 20:55

@LooksThroughaGlass · Today 18:45

Sorry OP but as a woman who must be pushing 50, you've wasted a whole day on this. I'm tired of reading about it and you must be exhausted.

So because your nasty barbed comment (from 17.04) about the OP's age, and how she is allegedly 'too old to be bothered about all this' didn't get a response the first time, you thought you'd mention it again. What pathetic, attention-seeking behaviour from you.

And by the way, there is NO AGE LIMIT on feeling upset and hurt. Have a word with yourself FFS!

Oh and if you're 'tired of reading about it' hide the bloody thread! 🙄

JuvenileBigfoot · 03/02/2025 20:53

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 19:45

This may be true. But it’s not true of my mum. She very rarely goes out to eat, maybe once a year. If that. So going for a meal is a big deal.

Show quote history

That's fair.

I think this is a really nuanced situation, and as as it always the case on t'internet people are only able to comment on what they've read. Remember, none of us know you or your mum and we don't understand the dynamics of your relationship.

My sister and I have the same with our Nan. She is quite difficult, but it's really hard to explain it to other people. You have to have lived it. Even her DH and my DP don't get it and think we're being unreasonable when she annoys us. It's so hard for "outsiders" to understand the dynamic.

No advice, but I'm sorry for the emotional upheaval you're going through