Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

Of course you want to be at your Mum's wedding! I know it's only for financial/ legal reasons but why not enjoy the day too? Can just you and your sister go, only 2 extra.

I CANNOT believe anyone in their right mind would compare a marriage lunch to just another lunch blended families/step children weren’t invited to.

original poster - let them carry on but be aware your mom is doing this despite knowing how it would upset you. You are totally in the right to be annoyed. Even if she didn’t want you at the ceremony she definitely could have invited you to a lunch! And I am guessing she is totally broke as she is doing this secure the house/finances when one of them passes- if there was no money they wouldn’t be worrying! They need to pay the extra £200 and invite their children - or even do not invite partners just the siblings!!

Why does the fact you're mums picked a pub under 14s preventing you going to the wedding tea?

it is quite a big ask of an 81 year old that they go through a wedding celebration just because you think they should.

Your feelings aren’t foolish for your age. You feel what you feel. But your style of engagement with other people on the thread snd your emotional approach to the fact that you are angry with your mother is really childish.

We don’t know your mother but you asked for our opinions if how we would feel if the same thing happened to us. People answered on that basis: some have one set of expectations of “mothers” and others have other expectations on the basis of their experiences.

Your mother sounds…difficult. You don’t seem to have the ability to interact with her without conflict and hurt feelings. None of us can fix that but we have all tried to help you either by validating your feelings or helping you move towards closure by recognizing that your mother is just who she is (tight,difficult,indifferent, undemonstrative) and you can be as sad and angry about it as you want to be but that and 12 white horses and a golden candelabra won’t stop it from snowing in Vladivostok. This is your relationship with your mother and nothing changes that.

Your resentment is palpable here and you are taking it out on the posters. What a waste of time. Do some work on yourself before you give yourself a rage ulcer because your dm didn’t invite you to her wedding. You are the only person suffering here. And its so pointless.

OP.

You’ve made a post on AIBU and have had many responses that you are being unreasonable and you’re still arguing / disagreeing with them. This is the whole point of AIBU.

I don’t blame you for being upset and you obviously know your DM more than us. Maybe it’s time to come off this thread and speak to your mum, tell her everything you’re feeling.

I agree.

I actually think it's normal to take someone for a meal after asking them to do you a favour (which is what this is, rather than the big occasion that OP seems hellbent on making it). This is just a meal it isn't a wedding breakfast or anything like that - but op wants to see herself as being left out of a wedding do, and nothing is going to change that narrative.

Is that what you really think? That your mother, despite how much you love her, just finds your company and that of your entire family “intolerable?”

Is this a recent revelation? Or is this just the final death knell, for you?

If this is truly the case this decision by your mother to forgo the public wedding and exclude you and your family is really like the death of your relationship.

I understand and grieve this horrible experience.

I continue to hope, however, that you can come out of the anger phase—and past our seeming denial or bargaining phase—and start getting to acceptance. Because in that direction lies peace.

Well put @BatchCookBabe 👏🏻

@commonsense61 I am not interested in anything you have to say. I'm responding to the OP who can take my comments and consider them, or not.
I'm not 'listening' to your comments on how I should think, reflect or post.
You contribute what you want to the OP but maybe stop telling other posters how to behave.

I think you need to step back, take a deep breath and think things through.

They are 81. Getting married very much for making things easier legally, don’t want any fuss, don’t want to spend much. That is their choice, and you have to respect and try and understand this. Older people can have very different priorities to younger ones, sometimes very big personality changes occur, and around this, their wants, needs and choices might be very different to how you might perceive things. The choice of having only two people with them might be just that, as witnesses who are close by. Maybe beyond this, more people (even family) might be outside of their current comfort zone. It is possibly hard for you to understand this, so you are not being unreasonable to feel hurt, etc…… but it is just what it is. People are free to make their own decisions for reasons known only to themselves, and sometimes family expectations, society expectations are not met. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Living a long way away possibly means you don’t see that much of them in a week to week scenario, and it is commendable that on hearing that your Mum was poorly you were there for her last month. I think you would be better just letting them get on with what they want, and try not to let it distress you too much.

I'm with you, OP and I'm a little bit stunned that some PP seem so oblivious as to why this could be hurtful.

About 6 years ago my dad re-married. It was a small affair, maybe 15 people in total. 4 children between them; my sister and I and his wife's' two sons.

My sister and Son1 were witnesses. In all the professional photos
Son 2 walked mum down the aisle. In all the professional photos.
I was given a seat in the third row and told I could take some photos on his mobile, so he had them to look at after🙃

I was invited, so in his mind I can't complain. But all these years later it is still hurtful and actually, I'm a pretty bitter about the whole thing. Shockingly, I don't have much to do with my dad and his happy new family!

Lot of ‘shoulds’ here. One assumes they wanted the partner’s child and her husband as witnesses because they’re close by, and perhaps happy to go along with the stripped-down register office ceremony as set out, hence a no-fuss option.

If there were unrelated neighbours or local friends who were available, sure, that would also be an option, but it sounds as if their circle is small if the OP’s mother had such a small birthday party when she turned 80, and logistically, lots of their friends will be dead or too fragile or unwell to travel if they’re likewise in their eighties and at a distance. Having two people from the next village who happen to be related to the OP’s mother’s future DH is presumably far easier, because they’re right there, don’t need to drive several hundred miles, and don’t come with several children apiece.

You're also doing what psychologists call 'catastrophising'- which is jumping to the worst scenario when there is no proof it will happen

So very much this!

On the face of it I think anyone would be hurt not to be invited to their mum’s wedding after initially being involved in planning it.

However, as the scope of wedding has completely changed to a “signed and done” event, it’s a very different situation. The OP isn’t accepting that, keeps insisting it’s about not valuing her or her family and seeing favouritism in the partner’s daughter being asked.

To most of us it’s obvious the local daughter attending as witness is a pragmatic choice to keep the whole thing as low profile as possible. OP wants to nurture her grievance rather than accept her version of the wedding isn’t what’s wanted anymore.

It feels self-sabotaging. A small tweak in perspective would mean this isn’t a slight or disparagement to OP, her family and her sister, but the OP clings dogmatically to her hurt feelings. It harms no one but herself, and it is a damned shame.

I can’t demand that my mother does anything differently to what she’s already planned. Any conversation with her about it is likely to elicit a brush off or become about cost.

I'm saying this kindly, @Candlemascandy but maybe think on it?

What comes over is that you're in a stalemate situation. You accuse your mum of not 'bending' (being able to change her mind) but your own behaviour mirrors that too.

You come across as not willing to express your feelings to her (for fear of rejection?)

You use emotive words like 'demand'.
A conversation isn't a 'demand'. It' s an opportunity to express your feelings, without anger. Being assertive is saying how you feel - it isn't the same as being aggressive or 'demanding'.

You're also doing what psychologists call 'catastrophising'- which is jumping to the worst scenario when there is no proof it will happen.

You don't know she will brush you off.
You don't know she won't change her mind.

I suspect you're using those thoughts as a defence mechanism to a) protect yourself in case she won't change her mind and b) as an excuse not to talk to her- which you clearly find hard.

If you won't raise it with her, then you are stuck.
But I'd not want to spend the rest of my life feeling resentment. No matter how hard the conversation might appear, I'd rather do that. Otherwise, it will change your relationship forever, and at 81 she's not got that much time left.

You own behaviour is as stubborn as you 'assume' hers will be.

You've made up your mind that you won't discuss it to give her a chance to see how you feel.

You've also ruled out options like your H looking after your children if you went on your own.

I do understand your feelings but maybe also recognise your own issues that are stopping you talking about this with her?

Dear mum ,
I really want to be at your wedding, the opportunity for group photos and get togethers are rare and considering your recent health scare I am keen to get us altogether on this special occasion to celebrate your relationship, this would mean a lot to me but I understand if you want a no fuss day , I am happy to pay for our inclusion if that is a factor, let me know what you think

@Frangela Today 08:25

You’re still missing the point, OP. She doesn’t want getting married to be anything other than the most stripped-down possible legal thing. Every one of your posts makes it plain that you’re determined to make it much more of a big deal than she wants, because of a fairly volatile combination of self-righteousness (‘A mother should invite her child to her wedding!’), jealousy of your mother’s partner’s daughter (‘She didn’t help when my mother fell ill!’) and projecting your own feelings onto your children (‘They will be devastated at not being invited to their grandmother’s wedding!’).

And that’s leaving aside the fact that you and your sister, your husbands and children numerically make it a far bigger wedding than your mother wants. Why is it so difficult to accept that her wishes take precedence? Is it because you have such strong opinions about how she should feel?

What a way to spectacularly miss the point. 🙄

The OP is hurt and upset because her mother and mother's partner are getting married, and not inviting her, but ARE inviting the partner's DD (and her partner.) They only want 2 people there (as witnesses,) and have chosen HIS adult child and partner. And they are going for a celebratory meal after too. How cosy. Mum and new stepdad, and new stepsister and partner, all together - celebrating the nuptials, after the cute little wedding. A wedding that the OP and her partner are 100% excluded from.

If you can't see why the OP is upset by that, then it's utterly pointless arguing with you. Same for everyone else who thinks the OP is being a 'drama queen.' Do NOT tell me that you wouldn't be upset and hurt if you were not invited to your mother's wedding, but the adult child of her husband-to-be was invited. Because I won't believe you. Any of you. OP HAS NOT EVEN BEEN ASKED.

Fact is, the OP's mother (and her partner) should have invited a couple of randoms, like neighbours or friends. NOT invite one daughter, and leave the other out! Nasty. As I (and many other posters here) have said, when the time comes when the mum and her new husband need help and assistance and care (which will very likely not be very far away,) they know where they can go. To their favourites... The mum's husband's daughter and her partner. If I was the OP I would give the mum a wide berth and tell her I am 'busy' every time she asks for help.

My main feeling here is surprise at the fact that there are 2 people in their 80s who want to sort out the red tape before the inevitable happens... and yet they have managed to faff about for at least a year planning a tiny "just sign the papers" wedding. During which time one of them has already been hospitalised for pneumonia!

Holy shit, never mind who's there or not, they need to just get it done already!