Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

Have you told your mother that you would actually love to be there?
Have you asked her whether, after the wedding, would they mind if you and your sister joined them (and paid for your own meals)? You could leave the kids at home with sitter.

If her answer is still that she doesn't want the fuss of you being there, then just be happy that they are doing what they want.

I think you have missed the point of why they are marrying, it's just unfortunate that originally they decided to have a bigger wedding then changed their minds. To them it's a legality. They are using the family member who is geographicallyncloser for convenience. I totally understand - we got married after 25 years together, it was us and 2 DC (both over 18) as witnesses. We haven't even told family and it was 2 years ago.

As your mother is inviting the 2 geographically close by people without any small children to worry about as a practicality thing.

The OP's mum's husband-to-be is inviting HIS adult child and partner though, under the guise of 'witnesses.'

They should have invited the OP and her partner as well. Or none of them.

They should have used randoms, maybe a couple of neighbours for witnesses. It's very hurtful and inconsiderate and bloody rude to invite HIS adult DC and partner, but leave out the OP and her partner.

Would she? I think she’d be whinging whatever they did if she wasn’t included. I want is the clue.

Please don't just turn up. My brother and his first wife eloped to Vegas as they didn't want a fuss. Told my mum and dad out of respect who then got together a posse " to surprise them" sadly they filed for divorce six months later, not sure if it was RELATED , but I wouldn't have helped.

You felt that you couldn't invite one member of the family without the others. OP's mum has done exactly that. The groom's daughter and her husband are invited but not OP or her sister. If they had invited friends instead of family, OP would feel differently about it.

They are entitled to the tiniest cheapest wedding they desire to be fair. The bigger and more expensive someone's wedding is, the more I roll my eyes. I HATE massive, over-pomped weddings that cost 10s of 1000s of £££, and last 12 fucking hours. If I got married again I would absolutely 100% have a teeny tiny wedding. However I would not exclude my own DC, and the fact that your mum and her partner are inviting HIS adult child and partner (as 'witnesses,') and are not inviting you really stinks IMO.

They should be inviting you too. And tbh I would struggle to get past this. I would say 'mum can me and my DH come please? I feel a bit sad at missing your wedding.' If she says no, I would be giving her a wide berth after this. (And him.) She will need you one day, and treating you like this is not cool.

YANBU @Candlemascandy

Maybe they don't want a lot of fuss and people taking photographs. I doubt that octogenarians really enjoy being photographed. Or perhaps you have form for making events All About You?

As someone who is planning with their partner to elope and not involve any family in our wedding, of course I'm saying you need to respect their wishes.
However you are not being unreasonable in how you are feeling and I completely understand why you feel the way you do (I am expecting backlash from our own wedding).
Perhaps speak to them, say you understand that their wedding is their wishes and you understand it's a financial decision etc. But you would still love to celebrate them, after all this is your mum. How about arranging a family event to celebrate them close to the wedding, if not the actual wedding?

Yeah, definitely ask if you can go be part of the mail at your own expense if that’s just too overwhelming for them on the day then plan a weekend trip when you take them out for a celebratory lunch and get your photos then

Have you offered to pay for your share? She's been clear she doesn't want to pay for a wedding & really just wants a marriage. Can you pay to attend?

But you say "I want to be there" that does make it about you.
I would probably be a bit hurt in your shoes too OP but I think you need to respect her wishes

They’ve been together 30 years! They’re not having a wedding; they’re getting married. It’s very different.

And why wouldn’t an elderly woman’s daughters care for her in ill health, ahead of that woman’s partner’s daughter?

This is a nice considered response. You are not stamping your feet shouting ‘it’s not fair’, but telling her you love her and want to share the joy.
Might be worth a go?

Exactly this.

I am not sure what your relatives are like (maybe you have a lot of clowns in it) but inviting my daughters and GC would in no way be classed as a "circus"

YABU
Dp and I are getting married this year.

We've not even told anyone. We're going to the registry office with our 2 eldest children who will be witnesses.

The youngest 2 will have to wait outside as it would cost £250 to have them attend!

It's just a legality for us

It’s merely a legal contract for them. Don’t try and make it about you and support them however they choose to do it.

They obviously prefer to have witnesses they know rather than strangers, so it’s not surprising they will then go on somewhere afterwards. Don’t spoil it for them.

You want to be there. That's ok. It is also about what you want. If you geneuinely want to be there and genuinely believe that it is about the money, you could tell her that you want to come, explain why, and will pay for it yourselves? Posting about it here is hardly going to change the situation. Doing something about it might.

I think YABU, because this isn't a big celebration, or big life event as far as they are concerned.
I would agree, in general terms that is is sad, and indeed odd to get married without family there when it is a more usual wedding but you have clearly said they have lived in the same house for 30 years and are literally doing this to make the paperwork easier when one of them dies. To them, it isn't a 'wedding' in the traditional sense, it is just the same as them going to a solicitor's office to sign some paperwork. You wouldn't expect to be at that, would you ?
If you need someone to witness that, then it makes sense to be someone who can pop there and back in under an hour, rather than someone who lives 200 miles away.

The issue here is you are viewing their desire to make things easier when one dies as some big public statement of love and uniting families, whereas they are viewing it the same as an appt at a solicitors to sign a will.

My mother is the same age - my sisters and I live a similar distance away. She’s single but if she were to get married I can guarantee we wouldn’t be invited. The reasons being A- she would be embarrassed at doing something as nakedly emotional as saying vows and wouldn’t want us to see it. B - she doesn’t want us to get the idea that we are important enough to be invited (we are never allowed to see her on her birthday for this reason) she would tell us all about all her millions of friends she is seeing and in the same breath tell us that doing anything with us is the “last thing” she wants to do. This is a “don’t be getting ideas above your station” parenting technique that she uses to develop us into well rounded adults. That’s me, aged 53, and my sister, 58. C - it’s “daft” and not being daft is the #1 aim in life.
If you have 3 married dc between you with various dgc and you want to keep in small, the obvious thing is to invite the adult dds without their partners and dc. Can they just be thinking “why would candlemas want to drive a 6hr round trip for this?”

My DH & me got married with only a couple of close friends as witnesses. We had a very quiet registry office wedding and only told people after the event. We are both mature in years have children & grandchildren scattered around the UK & other parts of the world, we felt that we couldn't invite one without the others and wanted a marriage not the fuss of a wedding. Probably your mum feels the same.

That would hurt but pull back from her. Next time she’s ill.. be busy !