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AIBU?

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Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:36

TammyJones · 03/02/2025 12:29

@Candlemascandy
Have you told your mum how you feel?
I'd be upset too.
YANBU

Yep. Remember we started out from a position of ‘let’s have a small civil ceremony with you all there. Will need to be in school holidays to make it easy for you to come etc etc’ with me helping them to navigate websites to choose the ‘prettiest’ looking building which they could have a small ceremony at, then looking at registry offices, then looking at cheapest ceremony only on a Saturday in term time with a meal afterwards that some of your grandchildren can’t come to as they are under 14.
She knows we want to come.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 03/02/2025 12:34

I don't think I’d be too fussed. It’s not exactly a romantic gesture on their parts, they just want to get their finances in order. If they could do it online they probably would.

endofthelinefinally · 03/02/2025 12:33

It is really important they each make a new will as soon as they are married. A marriage invalidates any existing will and whoever dies first will be considered intestate and everything goes to the surviving partner(and usually thence to their blood relatives if they also die intestate.) The surviving partner can leave everything to whoever they like, if they make a will, often this will not be their step children.
Sorry to be mentioning wills and assets but so few people know these things.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:31

@Arseynal it sounds like your mum and mine we’re made with the same factory settings. ❤️ to you x

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 03/02/2025 12:30

thepariscrimefiles · 03/02/2025 12:24

This was your FIL, not your mum. The feelings will be completely different.

Show quote history

No they wouldn't. I woukd respect my mum's wishes as much as my husband, SILs and BILs and I have respected his and his partners. He has been my FIL and I have always seen his partner as MIL for the 27 years I have been with my DH.

Don't project your feelings about your ILs on to me. Some families are closer. I would say we are which is exactly why we respect them and their choice.

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 12:30

Yes indeed, people are entitled to differing views, but that post was utter nonsense. OP is NOT making anything 'all about her.' She just wants to go to her own mother's wedding FFS, just like her mother's partner's DC is doing.

Some really nasty cold-hearted posts on here. Lots of us support you @Candlemascandy

Ignore the cold hearted posts, and the haters. I hope whatever happens, that you have a happy life. Smile

But I would be giving your mum a wide berth from now on. Seriously. You know how the saying goes... When someone shows you who they are, believe them............

Ellie1015 · 03/02/2025 12:30

Wolfhat · 03/02/2025 11:34

Have you told her? "I completely understand you are doing this for estate planning purposes and that you want to keep it low-key, however, especially after your health scare, I would like to be there. I love you and want to celebrate you even in the little ways, its important for me to be there. You do not need to pay for us but I would like to attend and be part of this event." When you lay it out, what did she say?

I think this is the exact conversation you should have.

TammyJones · 03/02/2025 12:29

@Candlemascandy
Have you told your mum how you feel?
I'd be upset too.
YANBU

NeonGreenHighlighter · 03/02/2025 12:29

As someone who got married in a register office and had two unrelated witnesses, I was adamant I didn’t want anyone else involved. I later found out my aunt was insisting on waiting outside the office, but someone managed to stop her.
it hurt that someone really didn’t respect my wishes tbh.

if you want to congratulate them, take them for a meal some other time, but just respect their wishes, honestly.

Americano75 · 03/02/2025 12:27

I would be really hurt at this too. Like you say, if it's just a formality thing you'd just have two witnesses off the street and then go home, wouldn't you?

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 12:27

Onlyonekenobe · 03/02/2025 12:23

The partner’s daughter is hardly the preferred child. She’s the closest relative, geographically, to ask as a witness!

I’m guessing you’re at least in your 50s but my goodness don’t you half sound like a petulant stroppy teenager! I’m really surprised you can’t see this for what it is, what you’ve been told it is. It’s not “the happy event”; it’s “an event”.

What a really horrible post. Calling the OP a petulant stroppy teenager for being upset at being left out of her mum's wedding when mum's partner's DC is invited.

Shame on you !! Have a word with yourself! Hmm

Coconutter24 · 03/02/2025 12:26

I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.

So don’t say that, just say it’s just the two of them and a couple of witnesses because they don’t want a fuss and are keeping it low key.

You say you want to be there to congratulate them, could you not offer to take them out for a meal the following weekend? Or ask if you’re ok to visit them later in the day at home once they are back from their meal? I understand you feeling a bit miffed but at the end of the day they are clearly only getting married for the piece of paper to make things easier when one passes. They probably asked SD because she lives closer. What if they’d of asked you and not SD or your sister? Someone else would then be upset if they wanted to go but your mum and partner shouldn’t have to have a wedding they don’t want to please everyone else

CarpetKnees · 03/02/2025 12:26

@BatchCookBabe - just because someone holds a different opinion from yours, doesn't make what they say "utter nonsense".

This is a discussion forum. People have different views.

Seeingadistance · 03/02/2025 12:25

I understand why the OP is upset. She and her family have been excluded while the partner's daughter is included.

And it's not simply about getting the legalities sorted out. According to OP her DM and partners first spoke about getting married a year ago. Since then her DM has been seriously ill, and even with that in mind, the wedding is now delayed till April. They could have been married last year if this was just about the paperwork.

CarpetKnees · 03/02/2025 12:25

NewFriendlyLadybird · 03/02/2025 12:12

Yeah but they don’t see it as ‘a happy event’ in that way. If they’d wanted photos and family they would have organised a proper wedding 20 years ago. They just want the piece of paper. And a meal afterwards? Why not? Presumably they’ve been to lunches with children from both schools des before and you haven’t complained when you weren’t invited to all of them.

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This

Also @Spirallingdownwards 's post on P3

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 12:24

bigboykitty · 03/02/2025 12:20

So much fuckwittery on this thread. Sorry you're having to read it, @Candlemascandy , YADNBU

Agree I wish people would not spout such nonsense, really! FFS, because the OP wants to be at her own mother's wedding (as the mother's partner's DC is going to be) to celebrate with them, and take photos and enjoy the day, she is 'making it all about HER!'

What a load of bollocks! 😂 Did you actually read that through before you clicked submit post?! You should have!!! You are spouting utter nonsense.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/02/2025 12:24

Spirallingdownwards · 03/02/2025 12:22

Sorry but I think you are making it about you with regard to the wedding.

The recent medical issue and visit is an entirely separate thing to the wedding so I am not going to comment on that but would like to think a daughter would be doing that anyway rather than just for an invite tk a wedding. It is irrelevant in terms of what they want for their "marriage ceremony".

My FIL married his 30 year partner for similar reasons ie. inheritance issues last yesr.

It was announced to us that his partner's cousin and daughter would be going to be witnesses and have meal after at a nice pub nearby. They live 3 hours from us and 2 from his other adult kids.

We all respected their wishes and didn't make it about us and a family event we could be having although we did send them a card.

Perhaps your elderly mum/step dad do not have friends or think by using friends it becomes a big deal. May his daughter as witness and a meal somewhere nearby is the most everyday normal way they can think of doing it without involving others.

Their only mistake was telling you they planned to do it because now you are making it about your wishes. Their wedding Their choice.

Why are you even telling others about it and then moaning that people are asking why you aren't going.

To your mum and partner this is a transaction that will mean that making dealing with either estate when they are no longer here will be simplified massively.
Respect their choice and be grateful they won't be leaving some form of nightmare shitshow when one passes.

Edited

This was your FIL, not your mum. The feelings will be completely different.

JudgeJ · 03/02/2025 12:23

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 03/02/2025 12:17

They are having his daughter.

what do you mean by blood daughters?

Show quote history

The OPs daughter(s) and his daughter rather than his daughter's husband.

Mary28 · 03/02/2025 12:23

If I was you I would have a family get together for them, organised by and paid for by yourself (and possibly your sister if she's up for it). Somewhere convenient for your mom and her partner and where your family and your sister's family can stay easily. Something like a lunch in a hotel where you can "hang around" for a few hrs after with both families, take photos and stay overnight if that's easier for you all.

Onlyonekenobe · 03/02/2025 12:23

The partner’s daughter is hardly the preferred child. She’s the closest relative, geographically, to ask as a witness!

I’m guessing you’re at least in your 50s but my goodness don’t you half sound like a petulant stroppy teenager! I’m really surprised you can’t see this for what it is, what you’ve been told it is. It’s not “the happy event”; it’s “an event”.

Runningoutofthyme · 03/02/2025 12:23

I think it’s interesting that your stepsister being closer is convenient if it’s to look after your mum, as you felt she should step in and do that to save you a drive

but if it’s for something you want to be involved, in suddenly the distance is no issue?

Spirallingdownwards · 03/02/2025 12:22

Sorry but I think you are making it about you with regard to the wedding.

The recent medical issue and visit is an entirely separate thing to the wedding so I am not going to comment on that but would like to think a daughter would be doing that anyway rather than just for an invite tk a wedding. It is irrelevant in terms of what they want for their "marriage ceremony".

My FIL married his 30 year partner for similar reasons ie. inheritance issues last yesr.

It was announced to us that his partner's cousin and daughter would be going to be witnesses and have meal after at a nice pub nearby. They live 3 hours from us and 2 from his other adult kids.

We all respected their wishes and didn't make it about us and a family event we could be having although we did send them a card.

Perhaps your elderly mum/step dad do not have friends or think by using friends it becomes a big deal. May his daughter as witness and a meal somewhere nearby is the most everyday normal way they can think of doing it without involving others.

Their only mistake was telling you they planned to do it because now you are making it about your wishes. Their wedding Their choice.

Why are you even telling others about it and then moaning that people are asking why you aren't going.

To your mum and partner this is a transaction that will mean that making dealing with either estate when they are no longer here will be simplified massively.
Respect their choice and be grateful they won't be leaving some form of nightmare shitshow when one passes.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/02/2025 12:22

Dumbles · 03/02/2025 12:17

First two posts nail it.

OP kindly you are being a princess about this. They don’t want to get married - hence they haven’t previously. They want a bit of paper for financial reasons when one of them dies to save on IHT.

They are inviting his daughter and partner because they live nearby. It’s nothing personal and it’s a non-event as they are spending the minimum cost to get the bit of paper.

If YOU so badly want to be there for the financial transaction then you need to offer to take them out for a meal etc to celebrate. But you are making it about YOU and not them.

The medical thing also seems to be something you shouldn’t be getting upset over. The partners daughter couldn’t get to the hospital, it’s not her mum. For the financial transaction wedding it is her dad and she’s local so very different.

With respect to 'the medical thing', it was OP's mum's partner that actually needed the help and support, not OP's mum. OP said:

'Just for context, he’s 81, totally deaf in one ear but won’t wear a hearing aid so he couldn’t hear what the doctors were telling him about her and couldn’t lip read as they were wearing masks. He was getting very upset thinking she was going to die and texting us saying ‘I don’t know what’s going on, they’ve left her in the corridor in a&e’ It takes me just over 3 hours to drive there, my sister is further. His daughter is 20 mins away. It was a practicality thing.'

OP's mum's partner was the one who was upset and not coping but his 'nearby' daughter wouldn't help.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 03/02/2025 12:21

Let's hope he goes first, as you can bet your bottom dollar, his daughter will be the only one to inherit.

bigboykitty · 03/02/2025 12:20

So much fuckwittery on this thread. Sorry you're having to read it, @Candlemascandy , YADNBU