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Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
Weepixie · 07/02/2025 14:30

@Cojones

Oddly, what’s bothered me more is that DP doesn’t want a wedding ring, but I do, though not a conventional one. I might get him a curtain ring just for the ceremony

But you’ll both have your piece of paper so why must your partner have a ring when he doesn’t want one?

Cojones · 07/02/2025 14:23

MissDoubleU · 07/02/2025 10:48

But in this circumstance could you imagine deliberately not inviting your own DC while choosing to have your DP’s DC attend and celebrate after the ceremony with you?

Surely it has to be all DC or none, otherwise it’s absolutely choosing favourites. Totally fine to do it alone and have a friend be witness. As soon as you say one side is a part of it and the other isn’t its going to be upsetting for the excluded DC.

Show quote history

Yes, because I’m not inviting my sister or any other relatives. It really is about that piece of paper.

I understand that OP is upset, but she needs to accept that it’s not a marriage celebration merely a means to an end, a piece of paper that solves one problem. By all means tell her mother she’s upset and offended and she can choose to distance herself from her mother and stepfather over it.

The other issue is whether or not there is a will and a power of attorney in place. I have friends going through hell because the stepfather refused to take these steps because’they’ would steal his money, he died intestate. The mother is not at all well and it’s a mess for those trying to sort things out.

MissDoubleU · 07/02/2025 10:48

Cojones · 07/02/2025 10:39

@Candlemascandy me and DP are getting married for exactly the same reason, I need to organise it. For us it’s a piece of paper and a legality, so we don’t want anyone there either. I might have to have my DSs there but honestly if we could just have two strangers off the street, that would be fine with me. Our neighbour is horrified. Maybe we’ll have a small party at some point.

Oddly, what’s bothered me more is that DP doesn’t want a wedding ring, but I do, though not a conventional one. I might get him a curtain ring just for the ceremony.

But in this circumstance could you imagine deliberately not inviting your own DC while choosing to have your DP’s DC attend and celebrate after the ceremony with you?

Surely it has to be all DC or none, otherwise it’s absolutely choosing favourites. Totally fine to do it alone and have a friend be witness. As soon as you say one side is a part of it and the other isn’t its going to be upsetting for the excluded DC.

Cojones · 07/02/2025 10:39

@Candlemascandy me and DP are getting married for exactly the same reason, I need to organise it. For us it’s a piece of paper and a legality, so we don’t want anyone there either. I might have to have my DSs there but honestly if we could just have two strangers off the street, that would be fine with me. Our neighbour is horrified. Maybe we’ll have a small party at some point.

Oddly, what’s bothered me more is that DP doesn’t want a wedding ring, but I do, though not a conventional one. I might get him a curtain ring just for the ceremony.

MissDoubleU · 06/02/2025 16:32

EmmaMaria · 06/02/2025 16:29

How to ensure a division at this stage of life.

Show quote history

That would be the DM’s choosing, who is already dividing the family by having her step children and not her own DC at her wedding. OP can either say her peace and give DM a chance to acknowledge, respond, rebuff etc. or say nothing and be silently bitter about it long after DM is no longer around. Neither are great options, sure, but it’s the DM who has chosen this.

EmmaMaria · 06/02/2025 16:29

MissDoubleU · 06/02/2025 16:19

Of course you should feel hurt. I would even make her aware of it.

”We are all terribly disappointed that you do not want your DDs or DGC to celebrate your marriage with you, your DH and step children. I hope you all have a lovely day together and I wish you every happiness but there is no way around out feelings of exclusion. DSis and myself have always tried to make celebrating you and caring for you a priority and the last thing we want at this stage of life is division. However, we feel ourselves and our children are unwelcome in this particular celebration and we will have to make our own peace with that.”

How to ensure a division at this stage of life.

MissDoubleU · 06/02/2025 16:19

Of course you should feel hurt. I would even make her aware of it.

”We are all terribly disappointed that you do not want your DDs or DGC to celebrate your marriage with you, your DH and step children. I hope you all have a lovely day together and I wish you every happiness but there is no way around out feelings of exclusion. DSis and myself have always tried to make celebrating you and caring for you a priority and the last thing we want at this stage of life is division. However, we feel ourselves and our children are unwelcome in this particular celebration and we will have to make our own peace with that.”

Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 16:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yalta · 06/02/2025 13:25

You are right to be hurt and offended that your mother doesn’t want you there.

I think there is something else going on.

We went through something similar over a few years with mil. Not attending events that we would have normally gone to because MIL didn’t invite us with the excuse of saving us petrol money or us not going to enjoy something. We also lived 3 hours away from MIL or not being able to go because where mil lives it is strictly an over 18s in pubs and the independent restaurants.

It was icing us out.

We would continue to go up to see her every few weeks but we did find it strange that Bil rarely came to see us when we were there

When mil died bil who lived close by kept talking to exh about arrangements for her funeral. (Family plot where fil was already buried) He then told exh mil had told him to save money and go with a cremation with no funeral service which had happened the day before and he didn’t tell us because he didn’t want to further upset exh. Bil and mil didn’t tell us that fil had died until after he was buried.

Exh was devastated that his brother had again lied to him after knowing how hurt he had been after he wasn’t told of his fathers death.

Exh had enquired about MIL’s will BIL kept everything very secretive. Wouldn’t say anything and kept exh in the dark about everything

It was only when I pointed out to exh that he could go online and see the will there that he was able to see that mil had cut him out of the will completely and it was too late to contest it.

FWIW I cannot begin to imagine that mil would have ever gone with an impersonal cremation when the plan was to be buried with her dh. Mil was careful with money but when it came to looking after herself and buying good quality food, going out with her friends etc She also left close to 7 figures in cash and 3 houses so money wasn’t a problem.

EmmaMaria · 06/02/2025 12:20

Rubbish. The people getting married have decided to thank another couple of people who live locally for giving up their time to act as witnesses. The fact that his daughter lives ocally is very relevant to that - they aren't paying for her to come to the wedding. Elevating it to a celebration is inviting everyone and their dog. If this was some kind of romantic event celebrating their lives together, they wouldn't have waited decades to get around to it. It is a practical solution to a problem and nothing more.

Plus it baffles me that people think I should pay to attend my own mother’s marriage and maybe help them out with costs. I couldn’t afford to, even if I wanted to.

And so the OP wants her mother to pay for her to attend the wedding? And earlier OP complained that she had to pay for her mothers 80th birthday? So the OP can't or doesn't want to pay herself, which is fair enough, but now she wants mum to pay for her families meals... and accommodation and/or travel?

Frangela · 05/02/2025 23:51

Gymrabbit · 05/02/2025 23:31

If it’s ’the essence of practicality’ why are they going for a meal afterwards?
The OP says her mother rarely eats out.
The meal turns it into a celebration which she has been deliberately excluded from.
Obviously the mother can do what she wants but to pretend she isn’t snubbing her daughters is completely disingenuous.

Show quote history

Does she have to don sackcloth and ashes and dash home as soon as the register is signed for fear of looking too ‘unpractical’. God forbid an 81 up year old woman might want a bit to eat.

BIossomtoes · 05/02/2025 23:35

The meal turns it into a celebration

Of course it doesn’t. I’m going out for lunch tomorrow, it’s not a celebration, it’s lunch.

Gymrabbit · 05/02/2025 23:31

BIossomtoes · 05/02/2025 20:48

They’re not children. They’re all middle-aged women who are old enough to understand a business decision and stop trying to turn it into something it’s not. The whole thing is the essence of practicality, including choosing witnesses who live locally.

Show quote history

If it’s ’the essence of practicality’ why are they going for a meal afterwards?
The OP says her mother rarely eats out.
The meal turns it into a celebration which she has been deliberately excluded from.
Obviously the mother can do what she wants but to pretend she isn’t snubbing her daughters is completely disingenuous.

TheAgileDuck · 05/02/2025 21:08

BIossomtoes · 05/02/2025 20:48

They’re not children. They’re all middle-aged women who are old enough to understand a business decision and stop trying to turn it into something it’s not. The whole thing is the essence of practicality, including choosing witnesses who live locally.

Show quote history

Your children are your children no matter what age they are. Business decision or not - invite the daughters. Pay the £200. Done

BIossomtoes · 05/02/2025 20:48

TheAgileDuck · 05/02/2025 20:19

That’s why I put a / in there. Blended families or step siblings. The point is is 1 child has been invited and 1 hasn’t. That is not right.

Show quote history

They’re not children. They’re all middle-aged women who are old enough to understand a business decision and stop trying to turn it into something it’s not. The whole thing is the essence of practicality, including choosing witnesses who live locally.

TheAgileDuck · 05/02/2025 20:19

NewFriendlyLadybird · 05/02/2025 07:32

They’re not a ‘blended family’ though, are they? They’re all adults. The reason the couple are getting married is to sort out inheritance, not to make a declaration of love and commitment in front of friends and family. It’s all quite prosaic.

Show quote history

That’s why I put a / in there. Blended families or step siblings. The point is is 1 child has been invited and 1 hasn’t. That is not right.

TheAgileDuck · 05/02/2025 20:16

Conqueeftador · 05/02/2025 10:14

I guess I’m not in my right mind then. My earlier contribution to this post…..

“Personally I can totally understand their point of view. It’s not the preferred daughter, it’s the one closest to them. You’ve made that point when you mentioned your DMs hospital admission, how long you and your DS had to drive to get there, whilst the other daughter was only so far away.

My long term DP and I have realised we need to marry or enter a civil partnership in order to make things less complicated for the other when one of us croaks. Neither of us are in any way interested in the idea of any sort of celebratory/party type wedding, we just want to do the legal thing and get it over with. You HAVE to have two witnesses, you may as well pick the people it would least inconvenience. A meal after would seem the logical thing to do to thank them for giving up their time to assist you.

You are looking at this all wrong. They don’t view this as a celebration, just a practical necessity. Stop making it all about you.”

Genuinely, for us, the wedding part is utterly boring, merely a necessary legal hurdle to save the hassle at a later date when one of us is left sorting out everything after the other one dies. Why is this so hard for some people (op included) to grasp?

Show quote history

Because her mother is inviting her step sibling and not her. My point is this as a mother myself - if I knew that my actions were hurting the feelings of my daughter who is good to me - I would change my actions and I would do this as a good mother.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 05/02/2025 19:00

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

I voted you are being unreasonable only because it's their day at the end of the day and it's up to them how they have it.

I wouldn't say that you weren't invited as you were too expensive. It's just that they didn't want to pay for anymore than the marriage licence.

I understand why you've taken it so personally.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 05/02/2025 14:06

Goodtogossip · 05/02/2025 10:55

Could you offer to pay for your own hotel & meal after the ceremony if costs are the only thing stopping her from inviting you all? Let her know you'd love to celebrate with her & you're happy to pay any costs incurred if you & your Sister & families attend.

OP has already said she can’t afford to pay for her family to go for lunch.

Goodtogossip · 05/02/2025 10:55

Could you offer to pay for your own hotel & meal after the ceremony if costs are the only thing stopping her from inviting you all? Let her know you'd love to celebrate with her & you're happy to pay any costs incurred if you & your Sister & families attend.

Conqueeftador · 05/02/2025 10:14

TheAgileDuck · 04/02/2025 20:58

I CANNOT believe anyone in their right mind would compare a marriage lunch to just another lunch blended families/step children weren’t invited to.

original poster - let them carry on but be aware your mom is doing this despite knowing how it would upset you. You are totally in the right to be annoyed. Even if she didn’t want you at the ceremony she definitely could have invited you to a lunch! And I am guessing she is totally broke as she is doing this secure the house/finances when one of them passes- if there was no money they wouldn’t be worrying! They need to pay the extra £200 and invite their children - or even do not invite partners just the siblings!!

Show quote history

I guess I’m not in my right mind then. My earlier contribution to this post…..

“Personally I can totally understand their point of view. It’s not the preferred daughter, it’s the one closest to them. You’ve made that point when you mentioned your DMs hospital admission, how long you and your DS had to drive to get there, whilst the other daughter was only so far away.

My long term DP and I have realised we need to marry or enter a civil partnership in order to make things less complicated for the other when one of us croaks. Neither of us are in any way interested in the idea of any sort of celebratory/party type wedding, we just want to do the legal thing and get it over with. You HAVE to have two witnesses, you may as well pick the people it would least inconvenience. A meal after would seem the logical thing to do to thank them for giving up their time to assist you.

You are looking at this all wrong. They don’t view this as a celebration, just a practical necessity. Stop making it all about you.”

Genuinely, for us, the wedding part is utterly boring, merely a necessary legal hurdle to save the hassle at a later date when one of us is left sorting out everything after the other one dies. Why is this so hard for some people (op included) to grasp?

NewFriendlyLadybird · 05/02/2025 07:32

TheAgileDuck · 04/02/2025 20:58

I CANNOT believe anyone in their right mind would compare a marriage lunch to just another lunch blended families/step children weren’t invited to.

original poster - let them carry on but be aware your mom is doing this despite knowing how it would upset you. You are totally in the right to be annoyed. Even if she didn’t want you at the ceremony she definitely could have invited you to a lunch! And I am guessing she is totally broke as she is doing this secure the house/finances when one of them passes- if there was no money they wouldn’t be worrying! They need to pay the extra £200 and invite their children - or even do not invite partners just the siblings!!

Show quote history

They’re not a ‘blended family’ though, are they? They’re all adults. The reason the couple are getting married is to sort out inheritance, not to make a declaration of love and commitment in front of friends and family. It’s all quite prosaic.

Dogsbreath7 · 05/02/2025 03:09

OP (kindly), it is about you - how you feel, how you want to record it, how you want to be a part of it or celebrate it.

it’s their choice and accept the partner’s daughter as witnesses is a practical choice due to proximity. If I could have got married through an online form and docusign I would have but registry office is the minimum we can get away with to beat the treasury (HMRC is only the middleman).

If your parents have money, think about setting up a relationship with home help / care assistants so if there is future need you can arrange them to drop in a few times a day. I do think the partners dtr has been in their lives she could have helped out more (especially if just talking to medical staff).

Focus on your own family- no need to drive 300 miles when more practical arrangements can be made.

urbanbuddha · 05/02/2025 02:25

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:15

Oh that’s interesting. I wasn’t aware of that.

Show quote history

That’s because it isn’t true

Witnesses must be 18 or over and able to understand the proceedings and be able to speak and understand English. That’s all. They’re there to witness that the ceremony was carried out correctly, nothing else.

PerspicaciaTick · 05/02/2025 00:56

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/02/2025 13:04

‘Or indeed, if it matters so little, just got two random passers by as witnesses’

This has not been legal for decades. Witnesses have to be specified in the booking with the registrar; it’s part of the effort to stop marriages of convenience ( for residency or visa applications amongst other things).

This is not true in England and Wales, you can have literally any adult who speaks and understands English, even if they don't know you from Adam.
Couples are asked their witnesses names in advance to remind them they need to bring witnesses. The witnesses can change any time right up to the minute of the ceremony.
The witnesses aren't there to prove you are in love, or have immigration rights or anything. They are just there to say they witnessed two people enter into a verbal contract of marriage.