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AIBU?

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Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:55

TopshopCropTop · 03/02/2025 12:38

This right here is your issue. You don’t want to go to be there for your mum because you don’t just want it to be you. You want to bring along the grandkids and god knows who else for some pictures. You know they are trying to keep the costs down. The grooms daughter is perhaps happy to come along just her and her DP but since you seem to come as a package lot with kids attached that’s why you’re not invited.

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I get it. Wanting family photos to remember your loved ones by is quite a selfish thing.

You know, last week at the hospital I sat opposite a man in his 70s who was with his mum who was 96. Whilst she was waiting for her treatment he produced an old fashioned album with snaps stuck in it and talked to her about the high days and holidays they’d had. Each time he said ‘oh look mum, do you remember this? Or look at you there!’ She smiled. But yeah. Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

OP posts:
hideawayforever · 03/02/2025 12:54

I'm surprised your mum hasn't thought that it's not fair that his daughter gets to go but hers don't. surely it would be better to just take a couple of friends or people off the street as witnesses instead. then no family are invited and it's fair.

denhaag · 03/02/2025 12:54

I suppose you could look at the positives - when the inevitable happens their affairs will be much easier to sort out if they are married.

thesoundofmucas · 03/02/2025 12:54

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Crushgrape · 03/02/2025 12:52

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:49

This is true, I do live miles away. But I’m happy to be there for them.

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It’s just them signing a bit of paper, it’s not a wedding like you feel it is.

LBFseBrom · 03/02/2025 12:51

HamandCheeseSandwich · 03/02/2025 11:30

I think you have different ideas about how important this is. They just want a piece of paper.

I agree, that is likely.

Do tell your mother you feel a bit hurt, though. Maybe she doesn't realise that it affects you and might make a bit more of the occasion.

commonsense61 · 03/02/2025 12:51

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Crushgrape · 03/02/2025 12:51

I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be upset but being honest it’s not a “wedding” as such like you feel it is, to them it’s a piece of paper. I’m assuming partners daughter and husband are invited as they live nearby.

Without sounding harsh your mum probably doesn’t want to make it a big todo, she doesn’t want her kids and grandkids there buying outfits etc it’s just not what she wants / needs.

BusMumsHoliday · 03/02/2025 12:49

I can see why the witnesses being his daughter and her DP upset you. But I imagine your DM and her DPs thought process was "John and Jane are the physically closest people. They are giving up their time to do this, let's take them for a meal afterwards." They are being thoughtless about the optics rather than exclusionary.

Is there a reason why you and your sister can't propose a separate meal for your family, somewhere kid friendly, at your expense?

Have you told your mum how you feel? My guess is there is a pattern where you, mum and sister assume you know the others' motivations and feelings but don't actually express these.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/02/2025 12:49

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Your MIL sounds absolutely dreadful but there is nothing to indicate that OP is anything like your MIL or that she is angling for an inheritance.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:49

SunshineAndFizz · 03/02/2025 12:45

But you live miles away?

Surely they're just asking the kid that lives closest to them to be the witness, so that it's less fuss? Which is what they want.

This is true, I do live miles away. But I’m happy to be there for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:48

@MiniPantherOwner this is a possibility. However it started with plans of a nice day, in a pretty location etc etc and then it’s now been whittled down to a dour exchange of signatures because it’s cheap.

OP posts:
MiniPantherOwner · 03/02/2025 12:45

I do understand that it must feel sad that you're not included, but have you considered that for your mum and her partner this might be the opposite of a happy event? They clearly have no interest in getting married for romantic reasons and the only reason they're doing it now is because they know that it's likely that, after 30 years together, one of them is likely to die in the not too distant future. Your mums recent illness has possibly highlighted this for them. It's likely that they just want to get it done without any fuss and your mums partners daughter was the most convenient person/least likely to make a fuss that they could think of. Is your relationship with your mum usually good? I wouldn't allow this one issue to taint it if it is.

SunshineAndFizz · 03/02/2025 12:45

But you live miles away?

Surely they're just asking the kid that lives closest to them to be the witness, so that it's less fuss? Which is what they want.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:43

StopGo · 03/02/2025 12:41

Do they both have the capacity to marry? Especially your stepfather who is deaf.

Yes. Not sure that being deaf is an indication of not having the capacity to marry. Strange thing to say.

OP posts:
NewFriendlyLadybird · 03/02/2025 12:43

StopGo · 03/02/2025 12:41

Do they both have the capacity to marry? Especially your stepfather who is deaf.

What? You think deafness = mental incapacity?

Yalta · 03/02/2025 12:43

Soluckyinlove · 03/02/2025 11:43

Some older people, particularly if they already live together, just wouldn't consider it a "family" occasion. I wanted a minimal event and if it had been left to me it would have been just two random witnesses. My now husband eventually convinced me to invite our siblings and their spouses and one remaining parent. They got two weeks notice. I would have absolutely hated a big "do" of any kind.

But this is a family occasion they made it a family occasion when they chose to invite grooms family

Weepixie · 03/02/2025 12:43

Op, no wonder you’re upset. I would be as well.

Can you suggest that your step sister is her father’s witness and you’re your mums?

StopGo · 03/02/2025 12:41

Do they both have the capacity to marry? Especially your stepfather who is deaf.

Heidi2018 · 03/02/2025 12:41

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:12

But did you have all of your children there? Or just some of them?

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Technically your mother isnt choosing any of her own children to attend!

thesoundofmucas · 03/02/2025 12:40

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Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:40

endofthelinefinally · 03/02/2025 12:33

It is really important they each make a new will as soon as they are married. A marriage invalidates any existing will and whoever dies first will be considered intestate and everything goes to the surviving partner(and usually thence to their blood relatives if they also die intestate.) The surviving partner can leave everything to whoever they like, if they make a will, often this will not be their step children.
Sorry to be mentioning wills and assets but so few people know these things.

Thanks. Yes they know this. I was the one who pointed out to them that they needed to get their act together legally as an unmarried couple. Initially they told me I was only saying it to protect my inheritance (for the record, I’m expecting precisely zero from my mum) In the end when a solicitor told them about the surviving partner being hit with IHT on the house they changed their minds. So they know they have to go back to the solicitor again if they do eventually marry.

OP posts:
hideawayforever · 03/02/2025 12:39

toastofthetown · 03/02/2025 11:36

I’d be hurt if I were you as well. If they got married in a ceremony where they pulled witnesses off the street and there were no guests or family witnesses then that wouldn’t bother me because they’re just covering the legalities but inviting the groom’s daughter and partner to the ceremony and celebratory meal afterwards and not the bride’s children is exclusionary.

yes this

TopshopCropTop · 03/02/2025 12:38

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:52

You’ve missed the point. I want to be there because I want to congratulate them, share in the happy event, take some nice photos for the future with my mum and her kids and grandkids. She isn’t going to be here forever. She nearly died a few weeks ago. It absolutely isn’t about me.

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This right here is your issue. You don’t want to go to be there for your mum because you don’t just want it to be you. You want to bring along the grandkids and god knows who else for some pictures. You know they are trying to keep the costs down. The grooms daughter is perhaps happy to come along just her and her DP but since you seem to come as a package lot with kids attached that’s why you’re not invited.

Onlyonekenobe · 03/02/2025 12:37

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 12:27

What a really horrible post. Calling the OP a petulant stroppy teenager for being upset at being left out of her mum's wedding when mum's partner's DC is invited.

Shame on you !! Have a word with yourself! Hmm

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Oh give over. Like you’re Matron of the thread 🙄

The woman is over 80 years old, and she’s said in plain English she doesn’t want a fuss or to spend any money. IT’S NOT A WEDDING. They’re signing a contract which, like a will, needs a witness. (I wonder who witnessed the mum’s will - actually I don’t.) She’s said this in plain English. I can’t see anywhere on this thread that she’s having a wedding to which she’s disinvited her children. That’s all made up by whoever, OP and people who clearly see themselves in her. Of course it’s petulant teenage behaviour demanding your parent do what YOU want (neeeeeeed) them to do rather than what they want to do, getting upset and feeling slighted when they don’t. Have you ever had a teenager?!