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Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 03/02/2025 13:15

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:55

I get it. Wanting family photos to remember your loved ones by is quite a selfish thing.

You know, last week at the hospital I sat opposite a man in his 70s who was with his mum who was 96. Whilst she was waiting for her treatment he produced an old fashioned album with snaps stuck in it and talked to her about the high days and holidays they’d had. Each time he said ‘oh look mum, do you remember this? Or look at you there!’ She smiled. But yeah. Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

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I completely understand what you're saying about photos, but presumably you do have plenty of other family photos of you and your mum that you can reminisce with. My dad wasn't at his granddaughter's wedding (wasn't possible on a practical level with his physical disabilities and mental issues) so he isn't in those photos - but I still look at photos of other special occasions with him all the time and we have a lovely time reminiscing.

TopshopCropTop · 03/02/2025 13:15

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:55

I get it. Wanting family photos to remember your loved ones by is quite a selfish thing.

You know, last week at the hospital I sat opposite a man in his 70s who was with his mum who was 96. Whilst she was waiting for her treatment he produced an old fashioned album with snaps stuck in it and talked to her about the high days and holidays they’d had. Each time he said ‘oh look mum, do you remember this? Or look at you there!’ She smiled. But yeah. Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

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There you go again making it all about you and your memories and your photos. It’s not your wedding. Their wedding is not a photo op for you. It’s not even a photo op for them. They want their bit of paper and some scampi and chips and back up the road.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 03/02/2025 13:14

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:55

I get it. Wanting family photos to remember your loved ones by is quite a selfish thing.

You know, last week at the hospital I sat opposite a man in his 70s who was with his mum who was 96. Whilst she was waiting for her treatment he produced an old fashioned album with snaps stuck in it and talked to her about the high days and holidays they’d had. Each time he said ‘oh look mum, do you remember this? Or look at you there!’ She smiled. But yeah. Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

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Don’t you have other photos?

Don’t you get it? This is not a photo opportunity occasion.

FreedomandPeace · 03/02/2025 13:13

Sounds like this is mainly to sort out finances and protect property if one needs to go into care.
The partners daughter lives in the next village so is near by and easy for them to be witnesses without to much hassle. Perhaps they also see them more regularly as you live 200miles away.

Id arrange to see them afterwards sometime. Bring a cake and champagne so you can congratulate them separately.

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 13:13

why dont you organise the party for her?

Crushgrape · 03/02/2025 13:13

whatapalarva · 03/02/2025 13:12

So why go for a meal afterwards and only invite the other daughter?

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probably becuase op lives 200 miles away and they want a very small occasion, maybe they know what op is like (just from the comments they are posting) and will make a big deal out of it which isn’t what they want

whatapalarva · 03/02/2025 13:12

BIossomtoes · 03/02/2025 11:47

As so often first reply nails it. It’s a financial contract for them. All they’re doing is formalising their current situation.

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So why go for a meal afterwards and only invite the other daughter?

Kim5678 · 03/02/2025 13:09

My Dad was in his 70s but something similar-ish happened to me and my sister. He chose to get married 400 miles away with his wife's daughter as the witness and told me (and my brother who would've traveled from Australia) that there was no need/no point in us coming. At first I was a bit hurt but they wanted a small simple ceremony without much fuss or having to think about other people. They had a nice time, I didn't have to travel and get accommodation, and I celebrated with them over dinner at a later date

ItGhoul · 03/02/2025 13:09

I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate

It doesn't matter how you see it, because you are not the one getting married. Your mum clearly feels differently about the wedding and doesn't see it as being a big thing like you do, and that's totally fine. YABU about this.

OopsyDaisie · 03/02/2025 13:06

HamandCheeseSandwich · 03/02/2025 11:30

I think you have different ideas about how important this is. They just want a piece of paper.

This!
Why don't you suggest to you Mum that you join her for the meals and pay for it yourselves? Then you get to celebrante.
I getvyou DD won't be able to come since she is under 14, but there's nothing to be done about that...

BIossomtoes · 03/02/2025 13:05

Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

It’s not a “big life occasion”. It has no more significance than signing their wills, it’s a financial transaction.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/02/2025 13:04

‘Or indeed, if it matters so little, just got two random passers by as witnesses’

This has not been legal for decades. Witnesses have to be specified in the booking with the registrar; it’s part of the effort to stop marriages of convenience ( for residency or visa applications amongst other things).

Onlyonekenobe · 03/02/2025 13:02

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:55

I get it. Wanting family photos to remember your loved ones by is quite a selfish thing.

You know, last week at the hospital I sat opposite a man in his 70s who was with his mum who was 96. Whilst she was waiting for her treatment he produced an old fashioned album with snaps stuck in it and talked to her about the high days and holidays they’d had. Each time he said ‘oh look mum, do you remember this? Or look at you there!’ She smiled. But yeah. Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

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You’re worried about losing your mother. That’s lovely and normal. Don’t make this about the wedding. Spend time with her, you and your children, as much as you can. Doesn’t have to be around “moments”. Just spend the time.

Crushgrape · 03/02/2025 13:02

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:55

I get it. Wanting family photos to remember your loved ones by is quite a selfish thing.

You know, last week at the hospital I sat opposite a man in his 70s who was with his mum who was 96. Whilst she was waiting for her treatment he produced an old fashioned album with snaps stuck in it and talked to her about the high days and holidays they’d had. Each time he said ‘oh look mum, do you remember this? Or look at you there!’ She smiled. But yeah. Remembering your relatives on their big life occasions by looking at their photos is really selfish.

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But OP what you aren’t understanding is to you it’s a “big life occasion” but to your mum is a piece of paper at 81 years old because they know they are nearing end of life and want to make things easier.

They don’t want all the photos etc.

Heronwatcher · 03/02/2025 13:01

I think they’ve said what they want and you have to let it go. Swallow your pride and celebrate with her at a pub where kids are invited a couple of weeks later, give them a card and take pics there. It’s just one day, to formalise a relationship that’s already in existence.

Hurdlin · 03/02/2025 13:01

Have you told your DM how upset you are not to be included while her DP's daughter is?

bigboykitty · 03/02/2025 12:59

Beetrooty · 03/02/2025 12:55

Well my then middle aged mum and her 2nd husband didn't invite us to her wedding.

Didn't ask why.
They did have a family get together the next day or thereabouts with our side of the family, at their house.

And did they invite family members from the other side to the wedding and for a celebratory meal afterwards? There are no plans for OP's mum to celebrate with her DCs. So it's not really the same at all, is it?

Tvp123 · 03/02/2025 12:59

I think you are being ridiculous. You might have beliefs on what a wedding and marriage are but from what you say this sounds like a life admin task for them.

Frangela · 03/02/2025 12:57

PinkyFlamingo · 03/02/2025 12:56

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be at the wedding of someone you love, especially your own Mum

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There isn’t, no, but there’s everything wrong with expecting to be there despite the clearly-expressed wishes of that person. If you love them, respect their wishes, even if you would choose differently.

Relaxd · 03/02/2025 12:57

Always going to be tricky to invite one kid and not the other, although they are nearer as you explain so it perhaps just makes better financial sense for them. You’re grown ups and can surely just wish them well! If you truly want to be there beyond it only being because another kid is there - then why not offer to pay for yourselves? We eloped and didn’t take any family even for witnesses for this very reason. Much easier although we still get earache from some quarters over it.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/02/2025 12:56

BIossomtoes · 03/02/2025 12:06

Would she? I think she’d be whinging whatever they did if she wasn’t included. I want is the clue.

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be at the wedding of someone you love, especially your own Mum

riverislanjeans · 03/02/2025 12:56

Yeah my Dad got married without me there and didnt tell me until after. My brother & sister didn't go either but they were only kids ( 14 year age gap )

However, my auntie and her husband were the witnesses and everyone apart from me apparently knew about it.

It's not nice and I dont know why they would choose to have one daughter there and one not.

Frangela · 03/02/2025 12:56

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 12:36

Yep. Remember we started out from a position of ‘let’s have a small civil ceremony with you all there. Will need to be in school holidays to make it easy for you to come etc etc’ with me helping them to navigate websites to choose the ‘prettiest’ looking building which they could have a small ceremony at, then looking at registry offices, then looking at cheapest ceremony only on a Saturday in term time with a meal afterwards that some of your grandchildren can’t come to as they are under 14.
She knows we want to come.

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And she’s changed her mind about what she wants. She wants something even more stripped down than originally planned. She has chosen her partner’s daughter as witness because she lives in the next village precisely so that there isn’t the sense of occasion that will inevitably arise if you’re driving several hundred miles to be there with lots of young children. Plus you want photographs with them and your children as a big, final family occasion. That’s not what she wants. Surely it’s not that hard to understand?

Plus your attitude to your mother’s partner’s daughter is deeply unreasonable? Why would she drop everything to help if her own DH was ill? It’s not her mother who’s ill!

And are you really saying your mother needs to invite you to her wedding to ‘reward’ you for helping when she was ill?

Blondiebeachbabe · 03/02/2025 12:56

Off topic, but have you thought about inheritance? If your Mum goes first and leaves her estate to her new husband, I'm guessing your inheritance will go to his children.

Beetrooty · 03/02/2025 12:55

Well my then middle aged mum and her 2nd husband didn't invite us to her wedding.

Didn't ask why.
They did have a family get together the next day or thereabouts with our side of the family, at their house.