Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:42

Frangela · 03/02/2025 13:35

Like that poster said, it’s really not that complicated.

Show quote history

So tell me, how does that work if it’s not that complicated?
Here’s the logistics -
We live 200 miles away
The restaurant they have chose. will not allow under 14s in
Two of my children are over 14. One under. Same for my sister.
Cant do there and back in a day, without it being a very long day.

If I accept the suggestion that I should attend, what are my options?

OP posts:
Weepixie · 03/02/2025 13:42

@Candlemascandy im just posting again as I think you may not have seen my other post where I suggested you are a witness for your mum and your step sister is the witness for her dad.

RedSkyDelights · 03/02/2025 13:42

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:38

I’m insane to question the person who said ‘go to the meal without one of your children because they aren’t 14’?

Is this opposites day?

Show quote history

I am sure you are familiar with the concept that you can go out for a meal without taking all your children with you.

And, as you might have worked out for yourself, that you could suggest an alternative venue that did take under 14s if you were going to offer to pay for the meal.

AnonymousBleep · 03/02/2025 13:41

YANBU to feel hurt by this. It's their decision, and clearly it is just a piece of paper for them and not a special family occasion, but not being invited to your own mum's wedding would still feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

Berlinlover · 03/02/2025 13:41

I want our wedding to be just the two of us but my partner wants his daughters, grandchildren and siblings there. Although I do want to marry him when he talks about us getting married I change the subject because the type of wedding we want is so different.

TopshopCropTop · 03/02/2025 13:40

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:38

I’m insane to question the person who said ‘go to the meal without one of your children because they aren’t 14’?

Is this opposites day?

Show quote history

You’re really showing us all why they don’t want you there tbh.

Luminousnose · 03/02/2025 13:40

Not sure if this has already been asked/answered, but how does your sister feel about it? Is she as bothered as you?

RedSkyDelights · 03/02/2025 13:39

Gymrabbit · 03/02/2025 13:35

*Tooearlytothink *

If it’s just a ‘practicality’ why are they going for a celebratory meal afterwards?

Is it a "celebratory" meal, or just a meal?

whatapalarva · 03/02/2025 13:39

Gymrabbit · 03/02/2025 13:35

*Tooearlytothink *

If it’s just a ‘practicality’ why are they going for a celebratory meal afterwards?

that's what I couldn't understand and got told by another poster.. "because Op lives 300 miles away" 🤔

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:38

Crushgrape · 03/02/2025 13:35

OP this is why your mum didn’t invite you, sorry but you’re insane. Leave her be, to her small ceromony.

Show quote history

I’m insane to question the person who said ‘go to the meal without one of your children because they aren’t 14’?

Is this opposites day?

OP posts:
Conqueeftador · 03/02/2025 13:37

Personally I can totally understand their point of view. It’s not the preferred daughter, it’s the one closest to them. You’ve made that point when you mentioned your DMs hospital admission, how long you and your DS had to drive to get there, whilst the other daughter was only so far away.

My long term DP and I have realised we need to marry or enter a civil partnership in order to make things less complicated for the other when one of us croaks. Neither of us are in any way interested in the idea of any sort of celebratory/party type wedding, we just want to do the legal thing and get it over with. You HAVE to have two witnesses, you may as well pick the people it would least inconvenience. A meal after would seem the logical thing to do to thank them for giving up their time to assist you.

You are looking at this all wrong. They don’t view this as a celebration, just a practical necessity. Stop making it all about you.

Riapia · 03/02/2025 13:36

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:52

You’ve missed the point. I want to be there because I want to congratulate them, share in the happy event, take some nice photos for the future with my mum and her kids and grandkids. She isn’t going to be here forever. She nearly died a few weeks ago. It absolutely isn’t about me.

Show quote history

Your DM has realised that you would be using her wedding day to provide photos for your social media page.
😉😁😁.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:36

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 03/02/2025 13:31

I'll repeat what I said upthread: they seem to want a marriage not a wedding. No-one has the right to impose a wedding on them. Leave them be.

Actually what they want is a hybrid.

OP posts:
Crushgrape · 03/02/2025 13:35

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:33

Ah yes. ‘So DCs under 14…your older siblings and cousins, me your dad and your aunt and uncle have all been invited to granny’s wedding meal. Now you know it’s a three hour drive away, so we will all be gone overnight and you get to stay here because they chose a restaurant that you’re not allowed in.’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

OP this is why your mum didn’t invite you, sorry but you’re insane. Leave her be, to her small ceromony.

Gymrabbit · 03/02/2025 13:35

*Tooearlytothink *

If it’s just a ‘practicality’ why are they going for a celebratory meal afterwards?

Frangela · 03/02/2025 13:35

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:33

Ah yes. ‘So DCs under 14…your older siblings and cousins, me your dad and your aunt and uncle have all been invited to granny’s wedding meal. Now you know it’s a three hour drive away, so we will all be gone overnight and you get to stay here because they chose a restaurant that you’re not allowed in.’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

Like that poster said, it’s really not that complicated.

koolkatxx · 03/02/2025 13:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:34

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 03/02/2025 13:27

If mother is "horrible" why is Op so keen to attend her marriage.

Show quote history

This was a response to another poster, not me

OP posts:
Frangela · 03/02/2025 13:34

LatteLady · 03/02/2025 13:24

My friend's sister did something similar to her mother, got married to a long term partner during their lunch hour for tax purposes, told their boys and the boys let it slip when she was baby sitting for them. This woman had given up her job, her retirement and her social life to move to the other end of the country to look after the children and was must hurt by this decision by them. They did not seek to be cruel but that was the effect. I know how this affected her from the conversations we had at the time... no one took them aside to say, just think about the ripples this will cause to those who love you.

Have you had the conversation with them to say, actually, you might not wish to go all out but we would like to celebrate bringing a new member to our family, whether it be for practicality or love. We would not expect you to host us, but it is important to us and you are both important to us, too because we love you both.

And yet all you would achieve by this supposed declaration of love is communicating ‘I’m not listening to what you want’.

Gymrabbit · 03/02/2025 13:33

*ZebedeeDougalFlorence *

That poster is commenting on a different poster’s experience. Maybe work on your comprehension?

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Ah yes. ‘So DCs under 14…your older siblings and cousins, me your dad and your aunt and uncle have all been invited to granny’s wedding meal. Now you know it’s a three hour drive away, so we will all be gone overnight and you get to stay here because they chose a restaurant that you’re not allowed in.’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 03/02/2025 13:31

I'll repeat what I said upthread: they seem to want a marriage not a wedding. No-one has the right to impose a wedding on them. Leave them be.

BeaAndBen · 03/02/2025 13:30

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:52

You’ve missed the point. I want to be there because I want to congratulate them, share in the happy event, take some nice photos for the future with my mum and her kids and grandkids. She isn’t going to be here forever. She nearly died a few weeks ago. It absolutely isn’t about me.

Show quote history

It's not a happy event, it's a legal ceremony to sort out things like inheritance etc. The fact you want it to be "a happy event" is why she doesn't want you there.

It is not a Wedding in the social sense, it's the ceremony to guarantee various rights for their 30 year relationship.

The daughter who lives around the corner is invited so she can be the legally required witness and she brings no young chuildren. She is being thanked for doing this by being given a meal at a pub.

Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’.
Every time someone in our household is 'poorly' (pass/agg use of scare quotes, by the way) we stay well away from the parents. They are the same age as your mum and her partner. At their stage of life, catching whatever virus we could bring into their home is pretty risky. We've cancelled birthday celebrations and all sorts to protect them from colds and flu.
It's not because we don't care, it's because we do.

Tooearlytothink · 03/02/2025 13:30

It's clearly just a practicality for them so asking the DC that live closest makes sense. Respect what this is to them rather than applying your own meaning to it. You can chose to do that or chose to be upset.

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 13:29

Crushgrape · 03/02/2025 13:16

She doesn’t want one!!!

Show quote history

i think she just doest want to pay for a party
if you pay i am sure she would like it
you orgnise a celebtration