Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

Could you not leave all your kids at home and suggest adults only? You pay for you and yout other half, your sister does the same? No kids

I am sorry but you and your sister and six kids between you with also DH x 2 in tow is a circus. It just changes the dynamic of the event.

Like it or not you will all be a traveling circus with millions of questions about -

•   logistics (what time are we doing x? Shall we have a wedding rehearsal dinner as we are all up here?)
  

• restaurants (but my DC are too young for that one!!)
• photos (we want pics to remember this by when you are dead! One with just me. One with me and sis. One with all my DC. One with my sister's DC. One with all the DC etc)
• Drinks (have you got champagne planned? What's the wine list? What can my DC drink??)
• Food (DSis is gluten free! I am vegan!
• Claims of unfairness and favouritism (why his DC and not me as witness??).

Roll up roll up

Deaf means can't hear, not lack capacity

I initially posted saying I felt it was unfair that all the children of the couple weren’t being treated equally, but I think it’s fine to draw the line at all children are invited, but not grandchildren. I don’t think it’s a difficult concept to explain to a teenager that granny is getting married in a very small wedding, and it’s an adult only event.

Your mother has decided to marry her partner because legally they have realised it's better to do this for inheritance purposes. Your mother does not want a big family day and that's her decision to make. I know a lot of wemon around your mother's age and they don't want fuss.
She may not want to draw attention to the fact she is getting married and having friends and family members expecting to be asked to this.

I would just accept that she does not want you there. I would advise her to make a new will after she gets married and get legal advice regarding the house and potential care costs later for either of them.

After this you can decide if you want to bring them both out for a meal a few days after the wedding. I would also decide what your able to do care wise if she needs care in the future.
She can't expect you to drop all if she needs full time care in the future.

One friend of mine has ended up caring for 1 parent after they had a bad fall for a number of weeks. Her siblings have done the bare minimum. As a result of this my friend is making plans to not be as available in the future.

I don't think a woman in her 40s or older is really going to want to be referred to as a step sister.

Sorry. This is two elderly people getting married. 2nd time around. The 'legal' relationships between their children from previous marriages isn't that important.

You're jealous and put out OP.
Tell your Mum that/

Because that’s not the message. The message is “our marriage is not about you please respect our wishes”

but your insistence to insert yourself into this situation, make it about you and wallow in a river full of self pity for no apparent reason, is in fact batshit.

They've been together a long time. This is about estate planning, not getting married. Not everyone wants a celebration. If they had wanted a family wedding, they would have organised one. Perhaps you are being excluded because they feel you might try to turn the event into a proper wedding day, which they don't want. My husband and I got married quietly on our own without any immediate family because that was what we wanted. You need to respect their choice.

So have you replied to that and said it matters to you and you'd love to be there, with a minimum of fuss?

Is this whole kerfuffle actually about your jealousy of your mother’s partner’s daughter? Otherwise, your determination to make something your mother doesn’t want happen is inexplicable.

What kind of restaurant forbids children under 14?

Even the Savoy allows children in their restaurants.

@Candlemascandy I've not read every post but have you actually talked to your mum and said what you have posted here?

Does she know you'd love to be there?

IMO I'd say you should be invited but the children shouldn't go if it's purely a tiny wedding to make their relationship formal for inheritance reasons.

Is there no compromise such as this?

She's having none of her children there though? Her partner is having all of his children there.

If she's that tight, is any of this really that much of a surprise?

They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village.

It sounds like this is why she's invited then. They don't want a fuss, she's very close (physically), so she can be a witness.

I voted YANBU because you're upset with your mum for leaving you out of her wedding plans. It's a bit shit.

However, despite the 'YEAR' of planning - I mean that's a long time to sort out a register office - they are basically just taking a trip to a corporation office to sort out some legals.

I'd leave them to it and not acknowledge the marriage with a card or present or any comments at all. Just let it go. They don't appear to be bothered so no reason for you to be.

It's a meal in a pub, not four courses at La Gavroche.

His daughter is doing them a favour by coming along to the registry office to sign as a witness, they're thanking her by buying her lunch in a pub.

We witnessed wills for some friends who did the same - "thanks for that, our treat at the Duck and Drake for lunch!"

The more OP posts, the more I understnad why her mum doesn't want her (or her sister, presumably) there. OP's trying her damnedest to make this into an Occasion while her mum and partner are stippring it back to a bare bones legal contract. Which, after decades together, seems perfectly sensible to me.

Cards, champagne, photographs, a snazzy meal, nice outfits, gifts, whatever - all of it neither required nor wanted by the couple involved. @Candlemascandy if you respect your mum, accept her preference not to turn this into something significant.

When I wrote my message I'd thought you were the only child. What is wrong with your mum that she can't just have both her daughters with her for her own wedding!

Just remember this next time she needs help.

Don’t go and let DM have the day she wants?

You would have been perfectly happy for the whole family to attend her wedding. Why would that have been less complicated?