Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
Loub1987 · 03/02/2025 14:06

Sounds like she wants a non event, just get a piece of paper ‘marriage’. Following this is going for dinner.

I think you are projecting more onto this than there is. It’s not really a wedding celebration.

Moonnstars · 03/02/2025 14:05

I understand and I would feel the same.
If they just wanted it for a legal perspective then why not just ask some friends to witness and then forgo the meal.
To me it does seem like they are picking one child over the other which isn't fair, especially as you have expressed wanting to be there despite being further away.

How old is your youngest and is there any way if you spoke to the restaurant they would make an exception?

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 14:05

LooksThroughaGlass · 03/02/2025 13:59

Restaurants do not often forbid under 14s.

Even the Savoy accepts babies!

I know. I didn’t believe them at first, I thought they were just saying it to justify not inviting us. But I double checked with the restaurant and they confirmed they have a strict no under 14s rule. And it’s the only restaurant they want to go to.

OP posts:
commonsense61 · 03/02/2025 14:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/02/2025 14:04

I’d be very hurt too, OP. Like you say it’d be different if they were doing it just them with two friends. But they are making one child more important than the other two here, despite the proximity. I’d be pulling right back for any support needed as she obviously doesn’t care about your feelings. Could you ask the question of whether you and your sister can join for the meal without your families and see what reaction you get? I’d be interested to know what she says.

InsegnanteScozzese · 03/02/2025 14:04

I can understand your hurt but asking all the grandkids and in-laws changes the day entirely. Can you not just explain how you feel, say that you and your sister would like to go and leave your husband and kids at home. Offer to pay for lunch as a wedding present.

Crushgrape · 03/02/2025 14:04

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:49

And that’s it isn’t it? The covert message here is ‘we don’t think it’s important for you to be there ergo you’re not important’
And that’s why this is hurtful. Not sure why that makes me insane.

Show quote history

Look OP, I understand why you’re hurt. Sorry if my messages were a bit off. I just think you are taking this the wrong way and are making it about yourself without realising.

You need to understand this isn’t a big life event like you class a wedding as. It’s your 81 year old mum deciding to get a piece of paper signed for financial ease once the inevitable happens.

It makes sense for them to invite step sis as she lives nearby, can sign the papers as witness and go for dinner after.

You are right, they just don’t want the effort and what not of you, the kids, your sister and partners coming down to celebrate something that isn’t that sentimental to them.

Frangela · 03/02/2025 14:04

Latenightreader · 03/02/2025 13:58

I work in a register office building (different public facing service, same foyer) and several of my colleagues have been asked to be witnesses at tiny weddings in the last few years. I also know two people who did this at their wedding, one about six years ago and one nearer 12.

According to one of the registrars you need to give the names of two witnesses in advance, but if you have different people on the day you just inform the registrar, so two randoms would still be allowed as long as they have a good command of English.

(more info (not where I work) for those like me who are weirdly fascinated by the idea www.norfolk.gov.uk/article/42580/Witnesses-for-marriages-and-civil-partnerships)

Show quote history

Certainly my register office in London in 2012 said they would no longer permit their office staff to act as witnesses. Apparently it happened a lot and office staff were getting taken away from their actual jobs a lot. And they also said they would not be able to wait for us if we were trying to get someone in off the street. Their strong advice was to bring our own witnesses with us. I have no memory of whether we gave their names in advance. I suspect not, but we did absolutely choose two currently unemployed friends available at short notice the middle of the day. Not because we preferred them to our friends and family but because they were nearby, available, and could be relied upon not to turn it into a big occasion.

Cookiesandcream1989 · 03/02/2025 14:03

From her point of view, it's a formality. You wanting to be there would be like my mum getting offended that I didn't invite her around to mine for a party last week when I submitted my tax return, or wanting to come to the Post Office with me while I sort out renewing my driving licence.

koolkatxx · 03/02/2025 14:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

GoldMoon · 03/02/2025 14:01

A fair bit younger than your mother , but we are doing this in the next few months .
I'm surprised it's only costing £100 as even the most simple ceremony around this way is closer to £200 excluding the certificates.
We are having the simplest ceremony available and it's probably the same as your mothers .
No guests are allowed , just two witnesses , no music , no photographer . You don't even have to exchange rings.
You have simplified words to repeat and that's it .

Sparkletastic · 03/02/2025 14:01

I understand why you feel very hurt. I would feel the same.

LooksThroughaGlass · 03/02/2025 14:00

LillyPJ · 03/02/2025 13:59

Not everybody sees a wedding as a big, fancy occasion. Not everybody wants to have loads of people there. Not everybody even enjoys weddings! If they want a quiet wedding with the minimum of fuss and expense, be nice and accept that graciously.

The problem is the OP sees the partner's daughter being there and is jealous and upset.

stampin · 03/02/2025 14:00

My mum wanted things as simple as possible when she married my step dad.
Me and my DH were the witnesses, I picked her a rose from my garden to wear, we went to the local register office, then we just went home.

I'm not sure she even told my brothers, it was just what she wanted. her marriage, her choice.

LooksThroughaGlass · 03/02/2025 13:59

Restaurants do not often forbid under 14s.

Even the Savoy accepts babies!

LillyPJ · 03/02/2025 13:59

Not everybody sees a wedding as a big, fancy occasion. Not everybody wants to have loads of people there. Not everybody even enjoys weddings! If they want a quiet wedding with the minimum of fuss and expense, be nice and accept that graciously.

housethatbuiltme · 03/02/2025 13:59

BeaAndBen · 03/02/2025 13:56

The covert message here is ‘we don’t think it’s important for you to be there ergo you’re not important’

No, the OVERT message is "we don't want this to be anything much and you want yourself, your sister and the grandchildren to attend."

It's your insistence that it is a significant event. You want to involve about 8 or 9 other people (you, your partner, your three children, your sister, her partner and her children) on a term-time Saturday.

There's nothing about whether you are important or unimportant. It's that the ceremony is unimportant - a legal necessity. She can still love the very bones fo you and your sister, value you immensely and adore her grandchildren. That has no bearing on her popping to the registry office.

You are insisting on trying to make it A Thing, so they are doing it without you, with the daughter around the corner and a meal in a pub that doesn't serve children.

Why is it his daughter and husband thats witness not her and her sister if it doesn't matter to them but is actively hurting her kids to be left out?

Why the meal afterwards with the witnesses if its a non event that doesn't matter?

Latenightreader · 03/02/2025 13:58

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/02/2025 13:04

‘Or indeed, if it matters so little, just got two random passers by as witnesses’

This has not been legal for decades. Witnesses have to be specified in the booking with the registrar; it’s part of the effort to stop marriages of convenience ( for residency or visa applications amongst other things).

I work in a register office building (different public facing service, same foyer) and several of my colleagues have been asked to be witnesses at tiny weddings in the last few years. I also know two people who did this at their wedding, one about six years ago and one nearer 12.

According to one of the registrars you need to give the names of two witnesses in advance, but if you have different people on the day you just inform the registrar, so two randoms would still be allowed as long as they have a good command of English.

(more info (not where I work) for those like me who are weirdly fascinated by the idea www.norfolk.gov.uk/article/42580/Witnesses-for-marriages-and-civil-partnerships)

Onlyonekenobe · 03/02/2025 13:58

we don’t think it’s important for you to be there ergo you’re not important

With my new step sister. Sounds cosy.

Can you not see how self-absorbed this is?? I revert to my teenage strop message. I simply cannot believe a grown woman can say these things seriously.

I have a sneaky suspicion that even at 81 bloody years old, looking mortality right in the face, your Mum STILL has to manage her child.

LooksThroughaGlass · 03/02/2025 13:57

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:55

That wasn’t the ask. The original question was about taking the older two and not the younger one. Then was told it was easy to do. It isn’t. And imagine being the youngest, sent off to stay with friends whilst everyone else goes to the wedding meal overnight without you. What does that tell you about how much your Granny thinks of you, let alone your own parents.

Leaving all three means my DH not coming either.

it’s a moot point anyway since the invitation to the meal has not been extended to us.

Show quote history

You seem to be missing the point.

This is a small wedding - more a formality.
If You really want to go, work on that with your Mum.
You are a grown up and presumably you can get yourself there alone? I drive 5 hours on my own to see parents.

There really is no need to drag your kids along.
I do though find it hard to understand how a venue can forbid under-14s.
Is it a pub?

housethatbuiltme · 03/02/2025 13:56

What would hurt is that HIS child and their partner is invited but not your side... it sends a very clear message.

I fully understand eloping but drawing a line like that between children is just a shitty and cold thing to do. Its nothing to do with outfits and gifts (doesn't sound like that kind of wedding) it that they prioritized his side only. Her husband is more important to attend than you or your sister.

If it really doesn't matter and is just a paper contract then why not a stranger to witness (which is actually pretty common in this style of wedding, true elopements don't tell anyone) and why the meal afterward to celebrate etc...

Its hard as a basic wedding only includes 2 witnesses and theres 3 of you that should really be treat equally, this is not the way to do it.

BeaAndBen · 03/02/2025 13:56

The covert message here is ‘we don’t think it’s important for you to be there ergo you’re not important’

No, the OVERT message is "we don't want this to be anything much and you want yourself, your sister and the grandchildren to attend."

It's your insistence that it is a significant event. You want to involve about 8 or 9 other people (you, your partner, your three children, your sister, her partner and her children) on a term-time Saturday.

There's nothing about whether you are important or unimportant. It's that the ceremony is unimportant - a legal necessity. She can still love the very bones fo you and your sister, value you immensely and adore her grandchildren. That has no bearing on her popping to the registry office.

You are insisting on trying to make it A Thing, so they are doing it without you, with the daughter around the corner and a meal in a pub that doesn't serve children.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/02/2025 13:56

Similar situation with my mum a few years ago. They told us a couple of months after the “event”. Registry office, 2 friends as witnesses then back home to get in with daily life.

I was pleased: everything became much more straightforward for everyone. I don’t get why you can’t just be happy that it’s all settled.

Greenkindness · 03/02/2025 13:56

I’d be upset. In my view it’s none of the children or all of the children. I don’t think there’s much you can do, just take a step back as she’s upsetting you. Yes it’s a legality but I would be upset in the circumstances that the step sister is going. I would just try and remove yourself from the conversation if you can. You can’t control other people, only yourself.

Frangela · 03/02/2025 13:56

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 13:49

And that’s it isn’t it? The covert message here is ‘we don’t think it’s important for you to be there ergo you’re not important’
And that’s why this is hurtful. Not sure why that makes me insane.

Show quote history

It’s not any kind of covert message. Your mother has clearly communicated that she wants to sign a legal document to make death and inheritance more straightforward in as stripped down a way as possible. It’s not any kind important occasion for her. She doesn’t want people travelling long distances and taking family photos and turning it into an important occasion, therefore she’s chosen the simplest, most inexpensive option by having someone close to hand as witnesses.

Swipe left for the next trending thread