Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

very thoughtless of your mother

I'm sure they could have asked 2 friends who live locally to show fairness and not exclude one set of family or even just invite their own children with no partners or grandchildren, which would be 3 people instead of 2, but no the partners child and husband are the only ones invited, totally unfair.

Yanbu

If they didn’t want to pay them the meal could have been everybody paying for themselves.

I guess that this arrangement is better than if they’d picked your sister but not you but thats not really a comfort.

Exactly. You could even ask a colleague, or neighbour to witness, and no need for a meal.

I’m happy to be there for them.
But they're not bothered and want something very low key now. It may be hurtful to you (and your sister, how does she feel?) but it's just a box ticking exercise for them. It's you that wants to make it more of an occasion.

what they want is a hybrid Is it though? Quick reg office marriage to get the legal paper and down the pub for a cheap meal by the sound of it, using the nearest witnesses available.

Their mistake is doing the meal afterwards, probably as a thank you to the witnesses, as if that wasn't happening it literally would be just nipping to the reg office then home. It also would have been less trouble if they'd chosen friends not his family to be witnesses.

Why don't you arrange to all go up to visit asap after the 'non' event in school holidays and do a family meal/photos etc then? Respect your mum's wishes for the marriage even if it's been done clumsily.

I don’t think you are being in the slightest bit unreasonable personally I’d let them get on with it and next time there is a frantic phone call I’d tell them to call the step daughter and failing that you will be able to come up at the weekend . Show them the same level of concern and care that they are showing about you . Just because people are elderly it doesn’t mean they are necessarily nice people or right all the time . Your mum is aware that you are wanting to attend with your children . They can bleat on forever about it being a bit of legal paperwork but if that’s the case they wouldn’t be bothering with a meal to celebrate. Your mum cares not one joy about your feelings , her GC feelings or your sisters otherwise she would do one of two things 1) have the register office ceremony with no celebration or 2) invite her family . By doing the hybrid she is telling you exactly where you stand .

They can but it's called a registry office

Have a conversation with your Mum OP rather than 'talking' on MN.

Hi Mum, look there's something I want to talk about. I know you want a really small wedding and I understand that. However, I'd love to be there as a witness, as it's important for me to see you and X so happy.

I'd drive/ get the train, DH can look after the kids here and I'll come back the same day or stay overnight

How does that sound?

I think you and your sister should go and see your mum, to outline how hurt you are. It’s better in person. Explain that it may not be a “big event” to your mum, but inviting your stepsister makes it a big deal for you both. Either they should have gone for a small thing with no family present, or included all of their children. They could have invited you both without families, if they didn’t want there to be lots of people present.

You could tell them that this all makes you both very reluctant to just drop everything for them going forward, seeing as they don’t value you or your feelings. And leave it at that.

Its a pub.

I sense you are very unsettled by your DM getting married suddenly for legal reasons only, at 81 with two nearby relatives/witneese and no children or fuss and wanting a simple pub lunch afterwards. Her way.

Why? Really?

because his daughter lives near the happy couple and OP lives so far away they'd have to stay the night.

It's a shame that people who are marrying for legal reasons can't just pop to the solicitors office.

OP have you actually asked your Mum if you come alone for the ceremony?

Your DH can take a day's holiday to do the childcare.
You take the train and come back the same day or drive and stay overnight.

That's not hard, is it?

So in this instance, your mum didn't tell you all about it and then let you know you were excluded?

Not quite the same is it.

Is this the reason you aren't invited or is it because they just want a meal with their witnesses?

That is very odd.

You could go to any Michelin starred restaurant in London with a child under 14. Maybe not a babe in arms but well behaved younger children.

Who does this restaurant think they are?

Witness - Because they live around the corner so it's quick, easy and no big deal.
Meal - Because when someone does you a favour like going to council offices to witness you swear an oath and sign some documents, it's pretty common to get them lunch.
No under 14s - many of the pubs around here have a No Under 12s rule after 6:30, and some are all day. Not all places with food want to pitch themselves as family venues.

I'm sure the mum and partner eat out with his daughter quite often without the OP being there, because they live nearby. My dad treats my brother and SIL regularly and I don't sulk because I'm 200 miles away.

This all stems from the OP insisting this marriage ceremony is "a happy event" or a significant life event. It isn't.Her mum and partner have chosen for it not to be, but she won't accept this.

So many miserable, and quite nasty buggers on this thread @Candlemascandy, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I don't think anyone who has a "normal" relationship with their parent wouldn't be ever so slightly put out by this situation - I know I would be, and I'm generally the type that doesn't enjoy weddings much at all.

She's your mum. And you're being excluded, they say for financial reasons but are then including her partner's child. It might also be just to tie up those loose ends before the inevitable happens - but I'm sure it's sowing those seeds of "are we even going to be remembered in mum's will?".

I think the best you can do is tell her that you're hurt you're not invited, that you want to come and will cover your own costs as it's important to you that you're there.

Unlike the miseries I don't think it's wrong to be honest and open with your own mum that it is important to you.

@TopshopCropTop Because that’s not the message. The message is “our marriage is not about you please respect our wishes”

This isn't the marriage. This is a wedding a singular, one time event. This has the potential to really impact the rest of OP's mum's life, when the hurt this will cause comes back to bite her.

Either it's completely unimportant and any Joe Shmoe can be used as a witness and no celebrations afterward, or there is an element of important hence why one child of three has been included and a nice meal will happen afterwards. Why even tell anyone if it's not important?!

Seriously some of you. It's not out of order to be upset when you're excluded from a life event of your parent. No wonder so many people are feeling so isolated and lonely these days when the advice they're getting is that nothing is their business and that they don't have the right to have feelings about their own family.

But why invite the stepdaughter if it’s just about the paper? Just get randoms or a friend to avoid any close family being left out… The mum is out of order in my opinion.

OP, looks like there isn't a lot you can do about this "wedding". Many a bridezilla have their wedding exactly their way without regard to what anybody else think or feel so this isn't new. I understand you feel they have used and then ditched you, so in retaliation, you might tell them not to expect you to turn up for the next emergency seeing that you are not invited to the jolly. It's up to you if you actually go through with the threat going forward but at least it will give your mum and stepdad some food for thoughts. You might feel better then, I know I would!

Then why bother with a meal?