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Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 03/02/2025 15:34

The problem with all the people saying that the mum doesn’t see it as a big deal it’s just a legality is that they have chosen to take his daughter whilst not inviting either of her daughters or using friends and they are going out for a meal afterwards which whatever way you look at is a form of celebration . You really can’t have it both ways . It is out and out favouritism , if they really didn’t want all the family they could have just asked the three daughters , no partners , no children . Being old doesn’t give you an out on being unfeeling . If a 40 yr old came on here and said myself and my partner are getting married we have 3 children but we are only inviting 1 the responses would be totally different to some that the OP has received . She has every right to feel upset / snubbed as would any normal person .

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/02/2025 15:33

Haven’t RTFT,

@Candlemascandy have you offered to pay for the meal and extra expenses?

NeedyMentor · 03/02/2025 15:33

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tuvamoodyson · 03/02/2025 15:32

Onlyonekenobe · 03/02/2025 12:01

They’ve been together 30 years! They’re not having a wedding; they’re getting married. It’s very different.

And why wouldn’t an elderly woman’s daughters care for her in ill health, ahead of that woman’s partner’s daughter?

…because of geography. His daughter is 20 minutes away, OP is 200 miles away and her sister is even further…I would have helped out, she’s known the woman for 30
years, even if she’s not especially close to her. (We don’t know if she is) I would’ve done to help my dad out.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:28

TunipTheVegimal24 · 03/02/2025 15:25

Most people would expect to be invited to their own mother's wedding - YANBU.

As you say though, they might not have long left. I'd ask to go (and pay your own way), but wouldn't fall out over it x

But do I not risk getting more hurt by making this suggestion and being rebuffed? Like I’m desperate to muscle in on a party I’m really not welcome at?

OP posts:
RedSkyDelights · 03/02/2025 15:28

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:04

Because I get fed up of the really unhelpful posts that say things like ‘you’re a brat’ and ‘you’re a princess’ and ‘you’re so selfish’.

some do it because they are bored in their lunch break and want a bit of sport.

some do it because they assume they know the situation and that what will really be good is to tell the original poster why they are an insufferable nightmare. Why are they picking fights with strangers?

None of that is helpful. I asked a question about why people in real life have brushed off my upset about being included and then excluded from my own mother’s wedding. My mum obviously thinks it’s ok to invite one child and not the others. And there are a lot of people on here who agree with it.
But lots don’t.

Show quote history

And the fact that you have had a whole set of responses shows that this isn't a black and white issue.

Your mother clearly sees the "wedding" as a formality, no big deal, they'll ask partner's sister and husband to be witnesses as they live close by and it saves hassle.

You are upset from being excluded from your mum's wedding in favour of your soon-to-be step sister.

Neither of you seem able to grasp the other person's point of view. And, as it's your mum's wedding, ultimately she'll do what she wants. And expecting her to change things because you want them differently is selfish.

I would try to move on and focus on your relationship with your mother outside of this. Why not invite her to yours for a "post wedding" celebration, so you can get the happy photos you want?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:27

HoraceCope · 03/02/2025 13:29

i think she just doest want to pay for a party
if you pay i am sure she would like it
you orgnise a celebtration

Show quote history

That's a bit of a stretch

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:27

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 15:20

Because she doesn’t think of the step daughter as a daughter but as a convenient neighbour. A cheap witness.

I get where you are coming from but at a fundamental level you are refusing to be comforted even by posters, like myself, who sympathize. That is the issue. You can’t let go of, and are magnifying, your resentment, by throwing in more and more injury: your dh! Your little bitty children! What will outsiders think??

You are at the very least a fifty year old woman with a somewhat difficult and disappointing relationship with your mother. Its time to face that and accept it. You are displacing a lot of anger and sadness from your mothers recent illness and future funeral costs onto this wedding (both things that you have mentioned as injuries). That’s fine and normal. But the only person suffering is you. And you don’t have to suffer. Accept your mother for who she is. You will feel better.

Edited
Show quote history

I have acknowledged those offering comfort. You just don’t see it as only they see my reactions.
It is comforting to see that it isn’t an outrageous concept to expect to be included in your mum’s marriage and to be hurt if it looks like that is what she wants, but then it isn’t what she wants.

OP posts:
TunipTheVegimal24 · 03/02/2025 15:25

Most people would expect to be invited to their own mother's wedding - YANBU.

As you say though, they might not have long left. I'd ask to go (and pay your own way), but wouldn't fall out over it x

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:22

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/02/2025 13:04

‘Or indeed, if it matters so little, just got two random passers by as witnesses’

This has not been legal for decades. Witnesses have to be specified in the booking with the registrar; it’s part of the effort to stop marriages of convenience ( for residency or visa applications amongst other things).

Thanks for the clarification! (I had wondered from time to time whether that was even possible or something out of a romantic comedy/ days long gone)

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:20

Tvp123 · 03/02/2025 12:59

I think you are being ridiculous. You might have beliefs on what a wedding and marriage are but from what you say this sounds like a life admin task for them.

"life admin task" is quite a good way of putting it - like going to an appointment at the solicitors or a financial adviser

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:20

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Not geographically close to me, no.
She didn’t come to my mom’s 80th. Her dad couldn’t care less about his birthdays.
My sister usually hosts Christmas and they don’t come to that.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 15:20

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:04

Because I get fed up of the really unhelpful posts that say things like ‘you’re a brat’ and ‘you’re a princess’ and ‘you’re so selfish’.

some do it because they are bored in their lunch break and want a bit of sport.

some do it because they assume they know the situation and that what will really be good is to tell the original poster why they are an insufferable nightmare. Why are they picking fights with strangers?

None of that is helpful. I asked a question about why people in real life have brushed off my upset about being included and then excluded from my own mother’s wedding. My mum obviously thinks it’s ok to invite one child and not the others. And there are a lot of people on here who agree with it.
But lots don’t.

Show quote history

Because she doesn’t think of the step daughter as a daughter but as a convenient neighbour. A cheap witness.

I get where you are coming from but at a fundamental level you are refusing to be comforted even by posters, like myself, who sympathize. That is the issue. You can’t let go of, and are magnifying, your resentment, by throwing in more and more injury: your dh! Your little bitty children! What will outsiders think??

You are at the very least a fifty year old woman with a somewhat difficult and disappointing relationship with your mother. Its time to face that and accept it. You are displacing a lot of anger and sadness from your mothers recent illness and future funeral costs onto this wedding (both things that you have mentioned as injuries). That’s fine and normal. But the only person suffering is you. And you don’t have to suffer. Accept your mother for who she is. You will feel better.

Cunningfungus · 03/02/2025 15:19

CindereIIa · 03/02/2025 14:57

To me, it's off that they are involving his Dc and not you/your sister. But it's not a big event to them, it's just a piece of paper, and they are doing it for legal reasons. It's not a big declaration of love.
I am a generation younger, divorced, and if I were to get married again, I would not want any fuss.

So why are they even having a post-wedding dinner then?

Aviddreamers · 03/02/2025 15:18

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Aviddreamers · 03/02/2025 15:17

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Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:15

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I barely know her. I think I saw her last about 15 years ago. My husband has never met her. Our paths just don’t cross. She was in her 20s when my mum and her dad got together so we are just acquaintances.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 03/02/2025 15:14

I can absolutely understand why you are hurt. It seems both unkind and unfair. They could have at least invited you to the meal. I would have felt exactly the same.
However, having now lost both of my parents my only advice would be, be generous even if you are upset.
Your mum really won’t be here forever. She’s already had a recent health scare and the last thing you need is an ongoing issue when there are more important things going on.
It is a wedding for legal purposes and yes it’s a bit shit that you aren’t included and also it’s a bit tight-fisted.
But you’ve had a long, long relationship with your mum.
After the wedding, go and see them both, take some flowers and congratulations and rise above your discomfort.
One day I can guarantee you did the right thing by letting it lie and being the bigger person.
It does hurt, I know, but honestly it’s not worth the stress and upset because at 81 there is no time to waste. Be there for your mum and show her some love.
You won’t regret it.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:14

endofthelinefinally · 03/02/2025 12:33

It is really important they each make a new will as soon as they are married. A marriage invalidates any existing will and whoever dies first will be considered intestate and everything goes to the surviving partner(and usually thence to their blood relatives if they also die intestate.) The surviving partner can leave everything to whoever they like, if they make a will, often this will not be their step children.
Sorry to be mentioning wills and assets but so few people know these things.

Good point - though I would imagine they know that as they're getting married for legal and practical reasons.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:13

LazyArsedMagician · 03/02/2025 15:09

@pikkumyy77 actually that is a good point. Hadn't considered the getting ill aspect. That would definitely make me give my mum grace if that was obvious.

It is a good point and it’s something I have considered. But I don’t think either of them are showing mental decline. And they did (begrudgingly) accept that they had to act to secure the future for the surviving partner. So they are astute enough to understand that.

OP posts:
Literallynoonecares · 03/02/2025 15:12

Sounds to me like this 'wedding' means far more to you than it does to them. I think to them its just a formality and just paperwork and they don't see it as a big deal or anything particular to celebrate as such. They more than likely picked his daughter and partner because its just two of them and they live just 20 minutes away so no faff for anyone.

But I do understand why you feel the way you do and that you want to celebrate this event, its just that I am not sure that is particularly what they want.

I think you should tell your DM how you feel and see if, at the very least, they can book somewhere afterwards that you can all eat a meal together to celebrate, where your DC can be included too.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:11

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 12:30

Yes indeed, people are entitled to differing views, but that post was utter nonsense. OP is NOT making anything 'all about her.' She just wants to go to her own mother's wedding FFS, just like her mother's partner's DC is doing.

Some really nasty cold-hearted posts on here. Lots of us support you @Candlemascandy

Ignore the cold hearted posts, and the haters. I hope whatever happens, that you have a happy life. Smile

But I would be giving your mum a wide berth from now on. Seriously. You know how the saying goes... When someone shows you who they are, believe them............

Edited

OP - ignore every post other than those that accord with your world view!

beAsensible1 · 03/02/2025 15:11

Offer to pay to feed your families after yourself? Maybe then they’ll be ok with it?

Aviddreamers · 03/02/2025 15:10

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Heronwatcher · 03/02/2025 15:10

I’m not sure if you’ve answered this, but don’t you think it’s possible they’ve invited the partner’s daughter because she lives so much closer? And then planned the day just to accommodate the people who will be there? It does sound as though this isn’t a big deal to your mum so she’s just doing what’s convenient.

If there’s a huge drip feed about how your mum is showing preference to her partner’s family then keep your distance from them, but if the relationship between you and your mum is good just let it go.

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