Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

Candlemascandy · 2025-02-03T11:28:49+00:00

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility. So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed. Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun. Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan. I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her. Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’. AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 20/02/2025 13:59

@ZebedeeDougalFlorence boing. Here you are again. You’ve made your point. Stop making it over and over and adding in little digs at me please. The nuance is lost on no-one of the difference between a marriage and a wedding.
if you looked down from your moral high ground properly, you’d see that my mum is getting exactly what she wants. A ceremony with her chosen witnesses. And there will be no threat of any kind of enforced family jollity. I won’t even be in the country. I don’t plan to mark the non event with a card or a good luck wish or anything similar. They have their wish. So you don’t need to feel sorry for my mum at all for having such an awful daughter. But maybe you need to tell my mum’s new step daughter that it isn’t a wedding and that she’s invited too as well. I’m sure you can pop up needlessly again to say that.

OP posts:

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 19/02/2025 23:59

Onlyonekenobe · 19/02/2025 17:20

@Candlemascandy You didn't have to say anything. Nothing was required of you. This is an open discussion forum. It's not a private support group. Especially not that board. Swearing uncontrolledly at posters is never okay, let alone when you've invited input on your issue on an open discussion board. Hundreds of thousands of people will have read this thread, it will have relevance to many people other than you. The point of this place is to gather opinions and input from all comers: no membership or credentials or pre-requisites required, other than to adhere to the Talk Guidelines.

If swearing at people makes you feel better, when you've sought opinions, this might not be the place to find what you're looking for. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, my own parents are in the same age bracket as your mum. My own mum has begun exhibiting completely uncharacteristic selfish and self-absorbed behaviour in the last 24 months, some of it theoretically quite hurtful (obsessed with her own minor health problems, not once enquiring about my extremely worrisome recent diagnosis). It's not about me. She's terrified. She hasn't prepared for end of life concerns, and she's terrified and lashing out. She can't see beyond the sibling who lives close by and indulges her health anxieties. She can't cope with anything more than that. It's fine. I'm a grown woman. I don't need my mum to be thinking about me first any more. It's her time, and she's entitled to it from me as she was the best mother she could be to me in my childhood. Isn't that the way it should be? Isn't this the time for letting it all slide? What does any of it matter at this point?

Yes, I agree with you. This is the way it should be. I am sorry that they swore at you. You didn't deserve that.

I am really sorry for Op's mum. I haven't rtft so I haven't read any drip feeds intended to get everyone on side. I have already expressed my opinion that this is not a "wedding" it is a marriage, but the nuance is lost to many on here.

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 19/02/2025 20:02

Mosaic123 · 19/02/2025 18:36

I think you are absolutely right to be very upset.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but marriage negates a will.

She will need to make a new one after marriage (or just before 'in contemplation of marriage") if she wants her wishes to be carried out.

If she's married and doesn't have a new will, the Intestacy laws apply.

Exactly the same applies to her partner.

Edited

Thanks. They are aware of changing their wills. They have the wedding booked on the Saturday and the solicitor booked on the Monday to do the new wills.

OP posts:

Mosaic123 · 19/02/2025 18:36

I think you are absolutely right to be very upset.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but marriage negates a will.

She will need to make a new one after marriage (or just before 'in contemplation of marriage") if she wants her wishes to be carried out.

If she's married and doesn't have a new will, the Intestacy laws apply.

Exactly the same applies to her partner.

Americano75 · 19/02/2025 18:08

Op, I'm glad you've booked something nice for you and your family. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time.

Onlyonekenobe · 19/02/2025 17:20

@Candlemascandy You didn't have to say anything. Nothing was required of you. This is an open discussion forum. It's not a private support group. Especially not that board. Swearing uncontrolledly at posters is never okay, let alone when you've invited input on your issue on an open discussion board. Hundreds of thousands of people will have read this thread, it will have relevance to many people other than you. The point of this place is to gather opinions and input from all comers: no membership or credentials or pre-requisites required, other than to adhere to the Talk Guidelines.

If swearing at people makes you feel better, when you've sought opinions, this might not be the place to find what you're looking for. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, my own parents are in the same age bracket as your mum. My own mum has begun exhibiting completely uncharacteristic selfish and self-absorbed behaviour in the last 24 months, some of it theoretically quite hurtful (obsessed with her own minor health problems, not once enquiring about my extremely worrisome recent diagnosis). It's not about me. She's terrified. She hasn't prepared for end of life concerns, and she's terrified and lashing out. She can't see beyond the sibling who lives close by and indulges her health anxieties. She can't cope with anything more than that. It's fine. I'm a grown woman. I don't need my mum to be thinking about me first any more. It's her time, and she's entitled to it from me as she was the best mother she could be to me in my childhood. Isn't that the way it should be? Isn't this the time for letting it all slide? What does any of it matter at this point?

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 19/02/2025 16:48

@Onlyonekenobe it does make me feel better to swear at you. I stopped posting on this thread about two weeks ago because it had descended into some strange contrary land where there was a race on to say the most ‘devil’s advocate’ type statement and aim it at me. In the interim period there have been more supportive posts, with people sharing their surprise at how vindictive things had become. I read those today and thought, I will update the thread and thank those people. And immediately, not more than 2 mins later you pop up again with some withering comment about me being petty and reminding me that my mum will probably die soon. My latest post says ‘my mum is adamant that she isn’t inviting me to the wedding or meal’ What did you expect me to say to you telling me I’m petty?’ Oh thank you for your kind words’?
Just say nothing. Nothing is required of you.

OP posts:

hideawayforever · 19/02/2025 16:00

Good for you OP, get away and take your mind off it all. Sounds like your Mum doesn't give a fk anyway. I would be mortified if my daughter felt like you.

Cunningfungus · 19/02/2025 15:41

Candlemascandy · 19/02/2025 14:45

Thank you to those that have posted on this thread after I muted it for a bit. By way of update, my mum is adamant that wedding will be what it is and that’s that. So I’ve booked me and my family a little trip to visit friends who live in France on that weekend in April now. I’m fully expecting she will tell everyone that I’ve snubbed her wedding, but there we have it.

I don’t blame you @Candlemascandy ! I posted on the thread saying I thought your DM was out of order and I understood your upset. You’ve done nothing wrong - it’s a shame it came to this but it is your DM’s making. I hope you have a wonderful time in France!

Onlyonekenobe · 19/02/2025 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is utterly disproportionate. You've posted on an open forum. I stand by my opinion. I would say the same thing to my friend if she were standing in front of me. If you're feeling delicate about this situation, swearing at me isn't going to make anything better.

2Rebecca · 19/02/2025 15:15

Are you concerned about coercion with your future step father's relatives being the witnesses, a venue that excludes your children so awkward for you and her getting married at 81? If my father in his 80s had something similar I'd be concerned he was being manipulated. What is the man like?

Ixoral · 19/02/2025 14:57

Onlyonekenobe · 19/02/2025 14:49

Well, she'd be totally in the wrong to tell people you've snubbed something you haven't been invited to! How would that even be possible? But it is very pointed to go away that very weekend. Did you need to book that weekend? Or are you doing it in a "no, WE don't need YOU" way? Such a shame that two grown women, one clearly nearing the end of her life, are still bickering over such petty drama. To each their own.

What a truly nasty comment!

I can only assume you haven’t read the full thread before making such a nasty comment.

Candlemascandy · 19/02/2025 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Onlyonekenobe · 19/02/2025 14:49

Well, she'd be totally in the wrong to tell people you've snubbed something you haven't been invited to! How would that even be possible? But it is very pointed to go away that very weekend. Did you need to book that weekend? Or are you doing it in a "no, WE don't need YOU" way? Such a shame that two grown women, one clearly nearing the end of her life, are still bickering over such petty drama. To each their own.

Original poster

Candlemascandy · 19/02/2025 14:45

Thank you to those that have posted on this thread after I muted it for a bit. By way of update, my mum is adamant that wedding will be what it is and that’s that. So I’ve booked me and my family a little trip to visit friends who live in France on that weekend in April now. I’m fully expecting she will tell everyone that I’ve snubbed her wedding, but there we have it.

OP posts:

BatchCookBabe · 10/02/2025 21:39

BIossomtoes · 05/02/2025 23:35

The meal turns it into a celebration

Of course it doesn’t. I’m going out for lunch tomorrow, it’s not a celebration, it’s lunch.

@Blossomtoes

The meal WOULD be a celebration/a celebratory meal if it was directly after a wedding.

FFS what a stupid post!

Do some people actually even bother to read what they have written before they click 'post?!' Or are some people just so desperate to bash and deride someone and insist their point of view is correct, that they just post any old shite?!

!

BatchCookBabe · 10/02/2025 21:36

DungareesTrombonesDinos · 08/02/2025 13:10

Lord above you've got some shite over this @Candlemascandy If they were just getting married with a couple of mates then you might BU but they have chosen a step sibling to go! Can't imagine doing this to any of my 3 kids.

Of course YANBU to be upset that your MUM isn't inviting you to watch her get married and go to a celebratory meal.

Mumsnet is bonkers at times.

Agree! ^

LazyArsedMagician · 10/02/2025 20:52

Utterly perplexed at the bashing @Candlemascandy is getting here when a similar thread, the OP is getting nothing but sympathy and empathy.

DungareesTrombonesDinos · 08/02/2025 13:10

Lord above you've got some shite over this @Candlemascandy If they were just getting married with a couple of mates then you might BU but they have chosen a step sibling to go! Can't imagine doing this to any of my 3 kids.

Of course YANBU to be upset that your MUM isn't inviting you to watch her get married and go to a celebratory meal.

Mumsnet is bonkers at times.

Cojones · 08/02/2025 13:01

@Weepixie I might just give DP a Haribo ring for the ceremony but am absolutely not going to insist he wears a ring, we’re neither of us jewellery people. I think I was more surprised by my own reaction to his saying he didn’t want one than anything.

EmmaMaria · 08/02/2025 10:39

MissDoubleU · 06/02/2025 16:32

That would be the DM’s choosing, who is already dividing the family by having her step children and not her own DC at her wedding. OP can either say her peace and give DM a chance to acknowledge, respond, rebuff etc. or say nothing and be silently bitter about it long after DM is no longer around. Neither are great options, sure, but it’s the DM who has chosen this.

Show quote history

There is a third choice. The OP could grow up and act like an adult. Her mother has made it clear that this is not a celebration - it is a "marriage of convenience" for legal and financial reasons and nothing more than that. The choice of her partners family as witnesses is simply a matter of geography - they live 20 minutes away and the OP lives many hours away. Why on earth would you drag family on a lengthy journey for a 30 minute slot down the registry office that has not meaning beyond the practical?

But if the OP is intent on saying something, the wording you suggested is deliberately provocative. If the OP thinks this is so important (when her own mother thinks it isn't) then a simple "Hi mum, I have been thinking about this and we all really, really want to be with you when you get married. It may not be all that important an event to you, but it is to us. Can we come?" None of this "you are excluding us from a celebration that you say isn't a celebration and we will have to try really hard to forgive you given how good we have always been to you, and by the way we won't be paying for the meal after you had the cheek to expect us to pay for your birthday meal".

Magnastorm · 07/02/2025 19:19

MissDoubleU · 06/02/2025 16:19

Of course you should feel hurt. I would even make her aware of it.

”We are all terribly disappointed that you do not want your DDs or DGC to celebrate your marriage with you, your DH and step children. I hope you all have a lovely day together and I wish you every happiness but there is no way around out feelings of exclusion. DSis and myself have always tried to make celebrating you and caring for you a priority and the last thing we want at this stage of life is division. However, we feel ourselves and our children are unwelcome in this particular celebration and we will have to make our own peace with that.”

Don't, for the love of Christ, do this.

Frangela · 07/02/2025 19:07

Gosh, this thread reminds me just how insecure so many Mners are, continually alert to ‘exclusions ’ and ‘favouritism’. What the OP’s 81 year old mother wants to do or not do for her marriage ceremony is more important than the feelings of anyone else who may or not be involved in an event she clearly regards as a necessary evil to be got out of the way as simply as possible, with the most convenient local witnesses. When someone tells you that they don’t consider something a big deal, just believe them.

BIossomtoes · 07/02/2025 18:03

TheAgileDuck · 07/02/2025 17:43

Are you getting married before your lunch?

Show quote history

What’s that got to do with it. Read what I was responding to, why don’t you?

TheAgileDuck · 07/02/2025 17:43

BIossomtoes · 05/02/2025 23:35

The meal turns it into a celebration

Of course it doesn’t. I’m going out for lunch tomorrow, it’s not a celebration, it’s lunch.

Are you getting married before your lunch?