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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that it's fine to just do the cleaning basics?

59 replies

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 03/02/2025 10:19

Yes, this is basically a whinge about my husband, but I want MN validation that I am right. I am prepared I may instead get told that he is, in which case I shall simply never tell him I asked...!

DH and I both work four days a week in fairly full-on jobs, have two young kids, we volunteer, both have hobbies, the older kid has hobbies. Basically we are busy people. One of the consequences of this is that our house is quite far from a show home. I would say we split the domestic stuff pretty evenly but that we have quite different attitudes to what 'doing the cleaning' is, and it's driving me potty. I feel that, at this stage in our lives, if we get the hoovering done, all the surfaces clean, the clutter manageable and the sheets and towels are changed with a reasonable regularity, we're doing well. He thinks that 'a job isn't worth doing unless it's worth doing properly'. But in practice this means we spend the same time cleaning, but I can do basically the whole house in that time and he works industriously on making a tiny area perfect.

For instance, yesterday. His parents were coming over for lunch, so in the morning we agreed we needed to clean. I went upstairs and changed all the beds, tidied all the rooms (making the kids 'help' me with theirs, which was actually considerably slower than doing it solo), cleaned the upstairs bathroom and vaccumed the stairs and upstairs. I came downstairs to find a kitchen sink that literally gleamed, two kitchen cupboards fully reorganised and cleaned, the microwave fully cleaned inside and out, and DH bent over the oven carefully getting crumbs out of the dipped line around the hob. He hadn't been secretly slacking off - he clearly had been cleaning the whole time. But he had also, to my mind, achieved naff all in the greater goal of making the house look as if civilized humans live there.

He says if we did it my way all the time the 'fiddly jobs' would never get done - that cupboard would stay a disorganized mess for ever more. I think that in our current stage of life that is normal, and basically we can just live with the cupboards being a mess for the sake of having the whole house look ok. AIBU?

YABU = he is right, the 'deep jobs' need doing and if that means you live in a house where every other room is chaos but the understairs cupboard looks fab so be it
YANBU = you are right, there is limited time and so it is fine to do everything to an ok standard rather than anything being done to perfection

OP posts:
MillionaireCaramel · 03/02/2025 11:19

I don't think either of you are wrong as such, but it's about expectations when visitors are coming. The oven doesn't need to be perfect, but the bathroom, ideally, does. It's almost like he's focusing on the wrong areas and leaving the rest for you which isn't very fair.

Like others have said, could be worth deciding who does what and when, and having a list of things that definitely need doing before visitors come.

Butterfly123456 · 03/02/2025 11:15

Our house is 'passable' as far as cleanliness is concerned. There are always toys/legos lying around, drying clothes and half-cleaned kitchen. We would never have time to ourselves if we cleaned everything all the time.

Original poster
MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 03/02/2025 11:11

MsMarch · 03/02/2025 10:55

I am going to slightly disagree with othe rposters. I do agree that the deep cleaning does need to be done at times and so agreeing some sort of compromise on that is best.

BUT... it seems to me that he's also just really really slow and using this deep cleaning as an excuse. With all due respect, I could clean the kitchen to a very high standard (minus sorting out the cupboards, admittedly), and one small bathroom/toilet, as well as do a basic wipe down of the oven and still have time to run the vacuum round the downstairs and do some light dusting while someone else was doing bedding/towels, main bathrooms and kids' tidy up.

We had a similar issue for quite a while - DH would, for example, vacuum.... but he'd move every single piece of furniture and the vacuuming would be spotless. BUT, the whole thing would take him 4 hours AND he'd still land up missing things like vacuuming around window frames etc. Meanwhile, I'd have done every other bit of cleaning in the house from bathrooms, to bedding, to dusting, kitchen AND probably entertaine the DC too. I think it might have been the closest we have ever come to divorce. Sadly, we haven't solved the prolen by him changing but rather by having a cleaner who comes fortnightly and then the things that he takes forever to do (while sighing about how hard he is working and how he has to do so much) are things I just ignore him doing. Eg the PRODUCTION he makes of sorting laundry.... it's never ending but as that is his official task, I just let him get on with it and if he want sto feel all hard done by, that's fine. The reality is that when I do it, it takes half the time and gets done to pretty much the same standard.

Yes, I do think there is some of this here. He is working continuously - he's not sneakily sat down on his phone or anything - but I definitely think he is not going at top pace! And I think it's all part of the same 'must do it completely and as a distinct task' mindset - he doesn't do 'a bit here and there' as I do, which he would say is higher standards but I think is inefficient. I wouldn't clean the microwave when I was just trying to get the kitchen in order, but I might do it one day while waiting for the kettle to boil when I had a minute. He would absolutely never do that. I always do something while waiting for the kettle whereas he just... waits?

OP posts:
JustWalkingTheDogs · 03/02/2025 11:09

Tbh if you were only cleaning because your IL were visiting I'd only have done the downstairs and the bathroom (unless they were staying over)

How often does he do the fiddly jobs, surely the cupboards only need reorganised every 6 months, the oven doesn't need cleaning each week.

Can you both sit down and pull a list together of how often each thing gets done and who does it? Weekly, monthly, 6 monthly etc and he can work from that. I'd not mind someone doing those fiddly jobs and I gave the house a once over

Whatabouthow · 03/02/2025 11:04

Not unreasonable, but I think you can both win here. You do a general sweep around of the whole house, he takes one room at a time and smashes it.

custardpyjamas · 03/02/2025 11:01

Let him do the deep clean and just work around him to get everything more or less straight for the visitors. My attitude would be shut the bedroom doors! And get the downstairs and the bathroom acceptable first, then potter around upstairs if there is time.

Bigfellabamboo · 03/02/2025 10:56

If you're arguing that he was doing jobs nobody sees then why clean upstairs and change sheets which surely your guests don't see either?
I don't think either of you are right or wrong to be honest. The day to day and the fiddly jobs both need doing and it's hard to say without knowing the true state of your house.

MsMarch · 03/02/2025 10:55

I am going to slightly disagree with othe rposters. I do agree that the deep cleaning does need to be done at times and so agreeing some sort of compromise on that is best.

BUT... it seems to me that he's also just really really slow and using this deep cleaning as an excuse. With all due respect, I could clean the kitchen to a very high standard (minus sorting out the cupboards, admittedly), and one small bathroom/toilet, as well as do a basic wipe down of the oven and still have time to run the vacuum round the downstairs and do some light dusting while someone else was doing bedding/towels, main bathrooms and kids' tidy up.

We had a similar issue for quite a while - DH would, for example, vacuum.... but he'd move every single piece of furniture and the vacuuming would be spotless. BUT, the whole thing would take him 4 hours AND he'd still land up missing things like vacuuming around window frames etc. Meanwhile, I'd have done every other bit of cleaning in the house from bathrooms, to bedding, to dusting, kitchen AND probably entertaine the DC too. I think it might have been the closest we have ever come to divorce. Sadly, we haven't solved the prolen by him changing but rather by having a cleaner who comes fortnightly and then the things that he takes forever to do (while sighing about how hard he is working and how he has to do so much) are things I just ignore him doing. Eg the PRODUCTION he makes of sorting laundry.... it's never ending but as that is his official task, I just let him get on with it and if he want sto feel all hard done by, that's fine. The reality is that when I do it, it takes half the time and gets done to pretty much the same standard.

WilmaTitsDrop · 03/02/2025 10:55

You two only work 4 days a week.

If the cleaning is too much, why on earth are you both volunteering?

I've volunteered for over 15 years but only because I have the time and my DC are grown!

cheerfulaf · 03/02/2025 10:54

What you did are weekly jobs, I spend 2 and half hours a week doing a clean like this. His jobs are great but something I’d do monthly, if I cleaned like this every time I’d be there hours.

I’m a cleaner and will do surfaces, quick tidy if needed, hoover and mop at my jobs. I clean my house as if it’s a clients house, crack on and get it done to a decent standard. I have one client who likes every corner top to bottom done which is of course fine as she pays for that time.

Family houses in general aren’t looking for that level of clean

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 03/02/2025 10:53

They are coming to see you not inspect your house. I think your way for a visit.

If he wants to do a 'deep clean'. Suggest you could do it once a month his way and then the rest of the time your way as a compromise

1apenny2apenny · 03/02/2025 10:53

You need to just get on with your stuff and do no more. HE will then raise it, why are you making this your problem?

buffyfaithspikeangel · 03/02/2025 10:53

Can you not get a sort of agreement over having two types of cleans?

So guests coming, you say "quick clean" and he doesn't do the fiddly stuff
Or you say "your way" and he gets to do the deep clean bits when it's a weekend or you have more time

1apenny2apenny · 03/02/2025 10:52

I wouldn't have changed the beds, just tidied upstairs. Once I'd done my 'share' I would have stopped. There was zero consequence for him just doing what he wanted. There was a big consequence for you as you had to go more. Additionally it was his parents coming so if he was that worried he would have got on with it. You need to just get on with your st

YoureLucky · 03/02/2025 10:50

Reorganising a kitchen cupboard when you're trying to clean and tidy pre guests is madness. He should be mopping floors, clearing away clutter, wiping down surfaces and plumping cushions not alphabetising the spice rack!

HungerGames · 03/02/2025 10:49

Boxalot · 03/02/2025 10:22

I di things your way but I wonder if it's useful to have a partner who does the specific deep cleans. Together you could be a dream team 😋

I agree with this

Original poster
MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 03/02/2025 10:46

CherryBlossom321 · 03/02/2025 10:31

Personally, I’d have prioritised downstairs rooms before arrival of guests - bed sheets and bedrooms would be last on my list, and I’d have closed those doors and sorted them later in the day after guests. I’d have done all downstairs spaces ensuring surfaces were clean and floors. And that the loo (if you have one downstairs), was very clean. Certainly not focussing on the details your husband chose to. So I guess I think you both expended unnecessary energy.

I knew that DC1 would want granny and grandad to go upstairs and look at his latest Lego creations as he explained them in great detail, so there was some reasoning to making upstairs look ok. Regular guests also tend to use our upstairs bathroom as the downstairs is teeny and off the living area so it never feels very private.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 03/02/2025 10:43

Supersimkin7 · 03/02/2025 10:25

Your jobs are hygiene essentials so take priority. If you didn’t do that lot your house would smell.

But… DH’s perfectionist skillz are extremely useful. And he evidently enjoys it.

He gets to perfect one area a week entirely. Eg bathroom. Carry on with the main firefighting yourself.

But I feel that this basically is our current compromise, and I am unhappy with it because I feel it leaves me doing more than necessary. So yesterday, I ended up cleaning (to my slapdash standards) not only the upstairs, as noted above, but also the living room, playroom and the floor of the kitchen/diner, while he meticulously cleaned the kitchen and the downstairs loo (which is postage stamp sized). If he had cleaned as I had we could have both been ready to sit down with a coffee when I came downstairs having done what I feel was my fair half.

OP posts:
Imgoingtobefree · 03/02/2025 10:42

I think you both need to reframe it.

Your combined skills are perfect for having a house that’s OK clean and tidy, but also the deep cleaning gets done.

I enjoy deep cleaning more than a quick clean as I can get very anal about it.

As long as you both spend the same time cleaning, then both types of jobs get done.

You just need to agree in advance when a speed clean takes precedence, in advance of guests.

Make the situation play to your individual strengths and you’ll both be happy.

SharpOpalNewt · 03/02/2025 10:37

I don't have a cleaning routine and just clean things when they look dirty. That said, I probably clean pretty thoroughly when I actually do it and deep cleans are rarely necessary.

NormaleKartoffeln · 03/02/2025 10:33

What my mum called a 'once over' is fine for day to day, but unfortunately you do have to do deeper cleans at some point.

GreyDuck · 03/02/2025 10:32

As previous posters, you do need both (although I agree with you that the timing of when to do basics vs details might be an issue).
The Organised Mum Method or similar might help you to plan, so you have a timetable which ensures everything gets done on rotation.
It seems that if you can find a system that plays to both your strengths, then it could be ideal.

mossylog · 03/02/2025 10:31

(But for the record I'm wholly on your side. My motto is "It's better to do a rush job than no job".)

CherryBlossom321 · 03/02/2025 10:31

Personally, I’d have prioritised downstairs rooms before arrival of guests - bed sheets and bedrooms would be last on my list, and I’d have closed those doors and sorted them later in the day after guests. I’d have done all downstairs spaces ensuring surfaces were clean and floors. And that the loo (if you have one downstairs), was very clean. Certainly not focussing on the details your husband chose to. So I guess I think you both expended unnecessary energy.

mossylog · 03/02/2025 10:28

It sounds like you've actually got the best possible partnership here. Together you're keeping the place to a higher standard than it would be individually. If either one of you were alone the house would either be a mess with some nice areas or tidy but a bit grimy.