To think that it's fine to just do the cleaning basics?

You guys are not compatible, he needs someone who would either live like pigs with him or be (literally) happy to clean up after him / sort his home out. I know it might be a surprise to many but both types of such women do exist, however few and far between.
For you though, OP, Time to move on.

You two could be the perfect cleaning match.

Currently i am in a new cleaning routine we have daily tasks which are laundry, dishwasher, make beds, quick clean of bathrooms, hoover and kids tidy away any toys. Also a 30 min task which is pick a room/job and do it fot 30 mins. Theory being that each room gets a 30 min more detailed clean regularly so the more you do it the cleaner everywhere is and the deeper the cleans get as happening regularly. But to do what he can in 30 mins and he can go back to it the next day. The basic jobs can be done easily in 30 mins if you're doing them every day.

I don’t think it’s a straightforward answer really, you’re both right. The deep clean does need to be done, so does the surface level cleaning. We also have a young family currently so we basically do a deep clean on a weekend so cupboards are sorted, oven/sink etc properly cleaned, floors & bathrooms deep cleaned and then mid week it’s the surface level stuff, wiping benches, hoovering, tidying toys, changing beds etc.

You can’t just leave the deep cleaning indefinitely

i don't think either of you are being unreasonable, he thinks that he is as right as you think you are.

personally , i would accept that you both have different ideas of cleaning and harness those strengths.

yesterday, he could have argued that you didn't need to change the beds for guests coming (unlikely they'd be going in the bedrooms).

So in cases like that, i'd agree with DH that he deep cleans the room downstairs, seen by guests which most needs it (or 2 rooms) whilst you do the surface clean of the rest of the house.

And if you tend to do a house clean each week, that you do that each time - you do the surface clean, he deep cleans each room at a time.

To be honest, i'd probably drop the volunteering until life is easier as well, sounds lie you have a lot on your plate.

If volunteering is affecting your housework so much that 3 days off isn't enough, I'd say you both have your priorities wrong at this stage in your lives.

I'd say volunteering trumps housework TBH - who cares if you hoover once a week or once a month as long as no-one's suffering.

Life is too short to be falling out over cleaning. This is the sort of thing uni students in house shares get arsey with each other over.
Pay a cleaner or agree to disagree.

We had guests coming in the afternoon and agreed to clean in the morning. I did the upstairs and came down to find DH painting a door.

Mad priorities?

If you both work 4 days a week, that means you each have 3 days a week off.

If volunteering is affecting your housework so much that 3 days off isn't enough, I'd say you both have your priorities wrong at this stage in your lives.

I would write a list and colour code so you each know what priority jobs are and who is doing it.
Neither of you is right or wrong, you have your way of doing things. My husband is similar to yours so we write a list, and tackle a room at a time together. I think you should be doing this every week though, not just when you are in a rush because someone is popping over. I think doing it that way is far more stressful!

I think this is actually the perfect way to do it!

you do all the basics, he does the deep cleans!

I'm a single parent, with low standards, so as long as the basics are done, I'm happy (and my basics are below here - for example, I'm fine with the sides being wiped once a week, and the hoovering once a month because I'm not losing sleep in order to do more). This means that during the school holidays when I don't have school runs so save 3 hours a day, I get things like clearing out a cupboard, or cleaning the fridge, or going through a wardrobe done. - but you have a whole spare human to do that, I say let him!

Ha ha - that’s like when I ask my teen to do something or she does her own “jobs” around the house - she will literally do the job I’ve asked and not anything more! Ie “clearing the dishwasher” means precisely that - taking stuff out and putting it in the cupboards - she would never dream of also putting the stuff that is by the dishwasher waiting for her to complete that task IN the dishwasher, whereas if I were doing it, it would just be automatic.

It’s the distinction between doing a job to placate another person such as a parent, and actually wanting the house to be clean and tidy, I think. So the aim is different!

I'm not clenched at all thanks. Don't need to be because clean is far easier to maintain than start from scratch. My house is not spotless, I'm not obsessive, but I don't take pride in being grubby like some seem to.

I have different priorities.

I'd clean the areas that would be seen by the guests. Sitting room, bathroom, kitchen, hall.

We'd have a room each.

i did wonder this.....

It’s not really a “one is right, one is wrong”‘situation- your ways of cleaning should really complement each other. You keep everything ticking over and he does the “fiddly jobs” for the same amount of time, so everything gets done.

Where he went wrong was choosing to do the cupboard sorting right when guests were coming and an appearance of clean and tidiness for the whole room was essential. He should have done that another day.

Havent voted because it’s not a one or the other situation- you’re both both U and NU - unreasonable because the two of you haven’t got your heads together to make this work in a complementary way.

Unclenching about the whole thing makes it even easier. Trust me.

Regular deep cleaning makes the everyday much easier in my opinion. If you're starting clean, organised and decluttered, a quick tidy and hoover is much easier. But obviously immediately before visitors isn't the time to start.

Thank you @Namechange305050 - I've been frantically scrolling for a reply like yours! I think I cleaned a cupboard once..

Wednesday: reorganise kitchen cupboards

Every week? We reorganise our kitchen cupboards… never

I don't think anything has to be perfect, and visitors come to see us, not the house.

Honestly I wouldn't have done either of your approaches! He didn't need to empty the cupboards out, you didn't need to focus on the upstairs rooms when they were coming for lunch.

Overall you should make a good team though, if you generally do the 'make it habitable' stuff, and he does deep cleaning in one specific area at a time, that should work quite well?

I'm a sahm and very rarely deep clean my oven, my cupboards are messy and dusting is well overdue. Who cares? On the surface my house looks clean and tidy and I do the basics.

Life is too short and when relatives comes to visit I doubt they are running their fingers along the skirting boards or checking to see how clean my fridge is.

I think people who deep clean regularly and have a tick list of jobs tend to have OCD type/anxiety behaviours. I know when I was younger and bothered about this kind of stuff it was all tied up in my MH.

Yup, I think you have the same DH as me.

MIne, for example, will absolutely load the dishwasher. But for reasons I simply cannot understand, he will collect glasses/plates from around the house and bring them to the kitchen .... where he will leave them next to the sink. Then, if I do not load them, he will come along and load them later, sure, but it's a completely separate and distinct task.

To be fair, I'd probably clean the microwave as part of a kitchen clean myself - but if I was doing a clean of the kitchen ahead of people coming over I wouldn't be doing a deep clean but a relatively surface clean so no microwave, no removing toaster to get to crumbs, no moving bread tin out the way to clean behind/under it etc.

I don't actually have an answer. It drives me mad. And DH is like this with loads of other things too. Another one that we have argued about is, for example, is for his work he goes to a specific place to deliver a service for which he takes equipment. So I accept that there's a bit of effort to load/unload and pack himself up (but to be clear - think hairdresser, not carpenter!). But I can get back from the office in central London in less time than it takes him to get home from a client 3 miles away in the car. He literally cannot RUSH. We are 90% sure he has ADHD (as does DS) so I try to be understanding but I think it's probably one of the things that causes the most tension in our marriage because like your DH, he's NOT sitting around on his butt but I'm still resentful because I feel like sometimes I have to do it all.

As I said, the way we manage this to a certain point is that I simply refuse to get drawn into this sort of thing. I leave him to it and it he's spending an hour on a task and is pissed as I've sat on the couch as I've finished my task, I literally just ignore him. I KNOW that his task shouldn't take that long so it's not my problem.

You are both right. The big stuff needs to happen - occasionally but regularly.

DH and I had to have a proper talk about this very recently as the house was making me depressed. Two weekends and a solid plan and the house has basically stayed tidy.

You need to do all the basics on a kind of schedule and then it it stays tidy leaving time for the bigger jobs.

Before visitors is not the time for deep cleaning the kitchen and oven.

My aim has been to have the house in a reasonable state at all times and therefore if visitors were coming it would take 30 mins to be ready.