Is he abusive or do I push him?

You pushed him past breaking point. He wanted to be left alone and you refused. I'd leave you in a heartbeat.

You've emotionally abused him for three years.

His behaviour in pushing / pulling a fist was completely unacceptable.

Both things can be true.

Your behaviour for the last three years has been abusive, controlling and unfair.

I felt smothered and panicky just reading about how you've treated him so I can't imagine how anxiety inducing it has been for him.

That doesn't change the fact that his behaviour in using physical force to intimated you was entirely wrong.

Neither does his behaviour yesterday justify anything you've done for the last three years.

Poor baby set to be in the midst of this toxic nightmare.

You'd be much better to split and coparent amicably rather than forcing a child to grow up under the same roof as this dysfunctional, unhealthy dynamic.

Your behaviour is appalling. No, of course he shouldn't raise his fist, eventually he is likely to hit you f he ahs done this but omg, do you not see how much you are pushing him with your endless searching for problems? He is allowed a past life without you in it, he shouldn't have to bin everything from former relationships. You know he has exes, why do you keep confronting him about them?

'Reactive abuse' is when an abuser pushes someone to the point they snap and react, and the abuser then claims they are abusive.

I only got half way through this and I was thinking that HE should LTB

You sound like you are not good for each other. You pushed and pushed him when he was getting ready to go for a meeting. It's hardly surprising that he got angry. I don't blame him for this.
I think you really need some extra help with your insecurities OP.
He might be a male and raising a fist at a woman isn't good but really? He is human and can only take so much. He said no, he didn't want to talk to you, yet you kept at him.
No means no when a woman says it, so why does the same not apply to a man?
I think you need to be keeping yourself calm and not working yourself up to antagonise him in this way.
This is not normal healthy behaviour.

It's called coercive control . You are the one doing this

I've re-read the bit about messaging his ex. I was wrong you don't have potential to become a stalker - you are a stalker.

Wow this is a lot. No he shouldn’t have raised his fist. But you are so intense, and are seemingly deliberately pushing and pushing, gaslighting until he reaches breaking point and then assuming that if you cry and hold his hand you should be instantly forgiven and have love and care heaped upon you. And when this doesn’t happen you are able to change the narrative making yourself an innocent victim. Not healthy at all for anyone involved and you need to sort this out before bringing an innocent baby into this mess.

You have BPD. I ran a mile from someone like you that I was in a relationship with.

Love your excuse for going through his drawers: "I was looking to see if he had bought me a birthday card" 😬 Psychotic.

Leave him and talk to your GP about BPD. You will continue to treat him like this, so end the relationship for his sake.

He is an angry, violent liar.

No he’s not @NoBinturongsHereMate?

He was single when he met OP but changed the dates very slightly to make the break up seem longer away. She, on the other hand, was married and lied about it even when questioned. She’s admitted several more lies in her OP.

He has not been violent - his behaviour this morning was aggressive. And reactive to a situation where someone was repeatedly refusing to respect his boundaries after going back on their word about problematic behaviour.

If the behaviours were reversed everyone would be telling OP she was in an extremely coercive and abusive relationship.

This. ^ In spades sadly @Uusallypositive

Everyone has the capacity to 'snap' under extreme provocation. I am so, so sorry for your boyfriend and I sincerely hope he gets away from you for his own sake, as well as yours

The thing is , OP, whatever you do or say will come from the person you are

And it seems to me that you might be a narcissist and a gaslighter

In which case, you can't sort anything because you'll always be coming from a narcissistic place

Unfortunately, what you don't seem to be getting is that the issue is (on the whole) with you and not him. So pushing for a resolution with him, is totally misguided. Its you that has trust and control issues and not him. Again I don't mean this unkindly but you have to admit what the problem is and tackle it, if you are to save this relationship. Fight for it.

You also seem to forget that you have lied and cheated with your former husband too and every time you promise your current boyfriend you will stop snooping, you do not. He sets boundaries and you ignore them. You seem to hold him to a standard that you don't adhere to yourself.

Sorry but you sound mental.

You need serious counselling, no one could live with you.

Honestly the best thing you can do is leave and give him space and work out how to co parent

you are pregnant - this is no environment to bring a child into ..

There is no LTB because I don’t think he is . I think you have completely fucked up this relationship .

if you can’t trust someone you can’t be with them.

You have given so much information about how you fucked up I initially thought reverse..

but you seem very keen to label him an abuser rather than look at your own behaviour

Poor bloke. His life is now ruined. Good luck to him.

Give him space like he has requested repeatedly and leave his house. You have been abusive for YEARS and now he's really hit breaking point you are asking if he is abusive and still not giving him the space e he is requesting. You can not bring a child in to this relationship. He needs a break from you to sort his head out and you need serious psychological help before the baby comes.

I only looked in the drawer to see if there was a birthday card for me.

So snooping, stop trying to justify it.

I then saw something that I was curious about the snopping started. I didnt intend on snopping through his things out of distrust. I do trust him.

You were already snooping.

You lied to him about the state of your relationship with your ex dh and now you are punishing him for your lie.

You are trying to manipulate, control and goad this man and are pushing him to breaking point. For his sake and sanity he needs to be apart from you.

If it is, as it appears to be, his house, move out and leave him alone.

You both need to grow up tbh and stop all this lying and arguing. You're about to bring an innocent little baby into this shitshow. This is toxic and you're both as bad as each other! Is there an older lady you can speak to about this who might have some wise advice, who knows you in real life?

You are the instigator in a now very toxic relationship. He needs to break up with you and you need therapy, your behaviour is not normal

OP - it's not him, it's you.
Get out and get help for your mental health.

Oh crikey. You are a product of your life and your past experiences and sometimes we acquire coping mechanisms that do not work and this sounds like you.

Based purely on what you have written above, by your own explanation it does appear that you have severe trust issues, are very assertive and that you are pushing him to the limit. Of course there could be more to this than you have said but on the information provided, you are the main issue here.

I don't mean this unkindly, I'm trying to help here.

Just look at what you have written. He seems to be putting in boundaries with you, which you are consistently ignoring by your own admission. You wanted to stay at his, he did not want you to stay, you ignored him and then got annoyed at him for wanting some peace.

"After I left my xDH, I admit, I probably wasnt in a good place for a relationship. I anaylised everything BF had told me about his past and I used to spend hours and hours searching facebook, asking him questions (from morning to night) and even setting up fake accounts to message his ex. "This is going to the extreme and you would come across to me as a control freak and I think I would lose patience with it too.

You then went on to say "He would often tell me that the more I argue with him, the more I damage the relationship. I have stopped all the past questions now." He is quite clearly telling you to back off and you said you had learnt your lesson and stopped doing it....BUT YOU HAVEN'T as you followed this up with " However, I have went snopping a few times around his house to find "past" items and then we have argued when I have found something belonging to an ex. I had stopped all of that and have been seeing a therapist. However, on friday, I went snooping in a drawer. " For crying out loud woman, how many shots over the bow does the man need to give you???

When you apologise and promise not to do something again, its only a genuine apology if you are sorry and refrain from doing it. You clearly feel your actions are valid and therefore its not a valid apology and you repeatedly demonstrate this to him. He can't trust you as you are always highlighting that you do not trust him and that y ou do not honour your word.

Holding someone's hand and apologising is the right way to go, but this only works if you genuinely mean it and his past experience by your own words is that you do not, you will continue snooping and ignoring his boundaries.

He clearly tells you there is no room in his office space and you argue with him and he literally had to drag you upstairs to show you because you only want to do what you want to do.

"However, I have went snopping a few times around his house to find "past" items and then we have argued when I have found something belonging to an ex. I had stopped all of that and have been seeing a therapist. However, on friday, I went snooping in a drawer.
I have stopped all the past questions now. However, I have went snopping a few times around his house to find "past" items and then we have argued when I have found something belonging to an ex. I had stopped all of that and have been seeing a therapist. However, on friday, I went snooping in a drawer.

As to the following "He said he wanted me to go away, I refused and then his alarm went off reminding him his meeting had just started (online). He got angry, shouted that he wanted to be left alone. I said no. He then raised his fist and told me to go away. He didnt hit me but when I said "dont ever threaten me with violence" he said I have pushed him to that as I wont respect his feelings or boundaries. " He needed to work, you were being exceptionally difficult and he asked you to leave and you refused. You had no concern for him. No raising his hand wasn't good but he did not follow through and tried every reasonable attempt to get you away from him.

You are coming across, as very selfish, controlling and total lack self awareness and it sounds like you are driving him away.

All this being said, it could be because of past experiences which have damaged you and you do need help. You are in great danger of losing this man if you don't back off now and get help with your lack of self worth and trust issues. Try LISTENING to him and certainly continue with the therapy and maybe ask for him to come along to explain.

The only reason you are doing that is in attempt to absolve yourself from any responsibility for your behaviour. It doesn't matter whether he is abusive or angry. What matters is that you disrespected him and violated his privacy for 3 years and you don't seem to be able to stop. If I were him, I'd report you to the police for unauthorised access to his phone.
Even if he is abusive, it does not give you the right to act the way you do.

Your behaviour sounds absolutely intolerable. If this is how you treat someone you purport to love them you need to be single.
I would never ever excuse even a hint of violence from a man, but everyone has their limits. You need to see a counsellor to try and work out why you act in this destructive way.
If I were him I'd want to split up. So that's the kindest thing really.