Can someone help me please?

I cannot believe the unsupportive, naughty and downright rude women here. I hope you never ever feel down or suicidal. OP. I really hope your fella is OK and that you get some support. Don't listen to these amazingly put together women who never struggle. You are here tell us you are struggling. Isn't that ejat people say after people arent here anymore? " if only they had said something "
Well, she's saying something. Try and have some bloody empathy. How is your fella now? I have low b12 folate and high ferratin so have to get tested for hemochromatosis. I won't die. But I feel like crap. I hope you know. People do care. You have just had one woman talk shite and sheep have followed. Good luck.

And don’t listen to everyone on here being unkind and blaming you for having an illness. It’s shocking on Mumsnet for that sometimes

Op im sorry for you- health anxiety is absolutely crippling.
You need to sit and look at the facts and evidence you have and remind yourself that last time you had such dark thoughts ( im sure there was a last time) things turned out ok. Allow yourself 20 minutes of worry time a day and outside of this, catch your anxious thoughts and move them on.
im sorry for you and i know how awful you feel but routine and fresh air will help

I'd forgotten box breathing. Thank you !

Box breathing. In 2…3….4
hold 2. 3. 4
out. 2. 3. 4
hold 2. 3. 4.

I find the active counting helps calm as well.

Sorry to be a pest. What sort of breathing? Like 4 7 8 or something else?

A LOT of breathing exercises. Anti-depressants. Counselling. Looking for positive things to do.

If the doctor was worried they'd be doing something more then that. But I know saying that probably won't make a dent in how you're feeling. It would be great if anxiety responded to logic, it would be much less of a problem then. You said you've been on antidepressants, have they tried at least from each of the different classes of antidepressants? SSRIs, tricyclics, SNRIs, MAOIs and the atypical antidepressants like mirtazapine? The different types work quite differently and you may find only one category or even only one medication helps. I know how hard it is to keep trying different treatments, but it's the only chance you have of finding something that works. Also with therapy I've seen 6 different therapists overall 20 year period, only 2 actually helped. You don't just need any therapist you need the right one for you, one you click with, who just as crucially uses the right form of therapy. I've found ACT more useful than CBT. My anxious DD has had good results from CBT but it took till the 4th therapist to find someone she'd actually talk to without me having to try to explain what she was going through as best as I could. It's very individual. Please keep reaching out until you find that thing that works for you, you deserve not to have to feel like this.

They’re not saying he’s stressed because of how you’re feeling. Again, not about you. They’re saying his symptoms, which you described in the OP, sound like stress.

The swallowing could well be related to reflux/GERD/LPR. I have this and I was also terrified and assumed cancer, was referred on a 2 week wait, and the doctor stuck a camera up my nose and down my throat and was confident it was a form of reflux. He does need to be checked out but it could be something very treatable.

Vitamin deficiencies like B12 can creep up over time - or could be related to absorption, especially if he’s losing weight, eg coeliac disease. Has he had any stool tests done? I would ask for those (I think one is called a FIT test).

This makes sense. It always starts in childhood. You are still on high alert op. You are constantly waiting for something bad to happen.
I totally get it.
Its not whats wrong with you, its whats happened to you.

I know the logic too, but i cant get my brain to accept it.

In the first instance I'd speak with your GP or a&e if no joy there.

Our son has had catastrophic epilepsy for 21 years and needs full time 1:1 care .. we have no family nearby .. it's been overwhelmingly hard.. how do you live with this ? I decided sink or swim finding some coping strategies is the best idea.

One helpful thing I learned was to take a morning to do all of my worrying .. and planning appointments/ meds / paperwork/ pharmacy calls / hospital calls. Then put it in away a mental box on a high shelf and plan nice things to do day by day. The nice moments really add up.

Journal the good bits .. Take photos of anything positive etc promise yourself you will worry for a period and then move forward being practical. Worrying is exhausting and my heart goes out to you. Lots of deep breathing to try and reset your nervous system & get out and walk in nature.

Could you go with him to his next appointment? So that you can ask some questions?

How do you keep a firm grip @Rachie1973 ?

What do you do?

You need to think of it like this - I assume your phobia is a fear of him dying?? Don’t you think he would have the same fear for you? Thinking about ending things because of his potential illness is doubly cruel because you would add guilt to the fear he would feel for you.
You do need to think of ways to support your DH here, he must truly be frightened, and get some therapy for yourself. I think that’s the only thing that could help you with this.

OP don't listen to people on here blaming you, you have an illness that makes you feel this way. You don't need to be ashamed and anyone sticking their boot in should try and walk a mile in your shoes first. Anxiety and panic is horrific.

MH provision is crap too.

Try Dare, it reframed it for me anyway.

Take care xxxxx

Of course you're not selfish

Panic and anxiety , when really heightened, can't be controlled. Without really good tools to hand.

As well as DARE take a look at this lady on utube. She reads bedtime stories (which I don't like) but her anxiety and panic videos are comforting imo

Does your workplace provide an EAP you could utilize?

It is worrying times for you but B12 you can have injections, liver function could be diet, the swallowing thing could be GERD. If they are redoing his bloods in a fortnight have they suggested he do anything in the meantime?

Second this. Dare is really good.

I don't know why everyone thinks berating the Op is going to help, no one feels suicidal on purpose ffs. Nowhere in the op does she say she's burdening her DH with it, she's come on a forum so she DOESN'T have to tell him.

Op I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, please make a GP appointment as soon as they open, they will hopefully be able to try you on some new medication.

And incidentally I have been in this situation where the worst actually happens.

I’d Got myself on quite an even keel when my DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the end of 2023. He’s still with us at present, it’s Multiple Myeloma so held at bay for now, but it is severely life limiting.

I was terrified! I had a bit of a breakdown, went to GP and had some hefty counselling.

I pulled myself up, I didn’t have a choice. It was my turn to look after him, and bizarrely it wasn’t as hard or as scary as I thought it would be because I love him.

I know one day he’ll be gone, and I’m not sure how I’ll handle it, but I know I will because to not handle it would be unacceptable to him.

I understand, OP.

I lost a former partner to brain cancer, many years ago. The fear has never really left me and I'm in therapy now.

Please seek more help for yourself so you can support your DH. It's ok to be afraid, btw. Lots of unsupportive posts on this thread.