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Original poster

Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

315 replies

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 21:51

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

OP posts:
BigDeepBreaths · 02/02/2025 23:11

OP the best course of action would be to borrow a corgi for future dog walks…

I would at that point come right out and ask her to share her @theidiotswind spreadsheet with you so you can bring yourself up to speed on your revised net worth.

Thebigdigs · 02/02/2025 23:10

myplace · 02/02/2025 21:59

I imagine she assumed she’d be better off than you, did the maths to make sure, and was irritated to see it wasn’t so.

I think this is quite likely - she had you pigeon holed as lower down the wealth bracket and now her nose is out of joint. It’s upsetting of course.

Original poster
theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 23:09

Snowmanscarf · 02/02/2025 22:33

If she’s single, maybe she’s hoping to rent one of your places ‘at mates rates’ (she’s not a mate).

I have never and would never rent to anyone I know personally!Recipe for disaster!

OP posts:
Nantescalling · 02/02/2025 23:08

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:16

Yes! She seems to think what she's done is perfectly fine so why not discuss it!

Show quote history

No, don't discuss it. If she brings it up then you need to tell her you REFUSE to dignify her criticism with any discussion. Then just don't ever mention it again and let the 'moneybags' comments slide off you like water off a duck's back. Anything else will inevitably cause ructions within the group. Since the others are unaware, if it becomes common knowledge, that's down to her!

Thevinegardiaries · 02/02/2025 23:08

saraclara · 02/02/2025 22:58

Next time I'd keep it short and simple
"Amy, this has now got beyond weird. Just stop"

Well this is the thing. It's having the nerve (or the cheek or whatever it is) to mention it that I find incredulous. I mean, HTF does one even bring this up without having to admit to snooping?

As I said further up the thread, I snoop. I could give lessons on where to find information, how to interpret it, and what to cross-reference it against. I snoop because ( A ) I am very nosy, and ( B ) the internet provides a great number of opportunities to indulge this hobby. Prior to the last 15 years all I could do was speculate.

But even then - as now- I kept it all to myself. I remember years ago someone telling me they'd known me long enough to tell me something hugely personal about their family, and oh how I had to act totally surprised by this revelation, when all I was thinking was "Oh blimey, Mrs so-and-so already told me this years ago, just act surprised, FFS ACT SURPRISED!". So much so, I have totally blanked-out what said revelation was, only that I had to make out it was all new to me.

Even when people are parading their lifestyles in the real world and with photographs on social media for those who may have missed the live event, I would never tell them that I knew it must all be racked up as a mountain of debt because there's no way they earn enough to afford it or have any hope of paying off their mortgage at their age now that they've just moved house to somewhere £300K more, not that I looked. I just wouldn't.

Anewyearanewday · 02/02/2025 23:08

FoolishHips · 02/02/2025 22:32

I think a lot of people don't really understand what a BTL mortgage is. I know this because I used to own two BTL properties and I just used the rental money to rent a house for myself. They don't get that you won't ever pay off the mortgage and own the property and they don't understand that you can't live in the property yourself.

Your information is incorrect and you must have received very poor financial advice (which is presumably why you don't have the BTLs now). Presumably you were on interest only which makes very poor financial sense unless you are a large scale property investor.

For small investors, the rent from BTLs can and should be used to pay off the mortgages preferably timed for the term of the mortgages to come to an end as you reach retirement age and the money that was being used to reduce the mortgages then becomes your retirement income.

Original poster
theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 23:07

BigDeepBreaths · 02/02/2025 22:59

Is there a dog-breed equivalent to Rightmove or LinkedIn? This is a whole new level
of stalking I havent tapped into. Cant believe Ive wasted so much time snooping on the value of the properties that my casual acquaintances live in, when i should be looking at the value of their DOGS!!

To be fair, dog prices are (were?) nuts! Mine is a mutt who was dumped on me as a tiny puppy when her Mum rejected.
Cost me nothing and has given me so much love and has kept me going through all sorts of situations. I'd sell everything I had rather than anything happen to her truth be told.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 02/02/2025 23:07

VastOtter · 02/02/2025 21:57

That’s really intrusive, weird and rude. It’s really bad manners to even ask about someone's financial status, just out of curiosity.

This. I’d be stepping well back from this friendship right away.

GreenCrocodile · 02/02/2025 23:06

Nosey cow !!

dont give her any more info about you

what a weirdo

wheh was siad why have you done that and she replied to see what your worth
you could still say why ? Why do you wanna know ?

people get very weird about money esp if your comfortable
green eyed monster I’m afraid is most likely

Original poster
theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 23:05

FagsMagsandBags · 02/02/2025 23:01

She's a total weirdo and a very unpleasant person. Most of my friends are better off than me and I have precisely no desire to know who much "they're worth". They're worth a lot to me as friends and people I really love. I have no desire to know how much they have in the bank. One friend came into money in 2021 because her father-in-law died at the end of 2020 and then her husband died. I know that she'd have both of them back rather than x amount of money in her bank. She isn't a friend. I don't know how big your friendship group is but - trash tv admissions here - I've very recently been trapped (by my ownself) by the real housewives of both Beverly Hills and New Jersey. There are people in the group who have fallen out big time but they still manage to meet up as a group because there's enough of them to ignore their frienemy/enemy/that bitch. You either do that or you shame her in front of everyone in the nicest way possible. She deserves it.

p.s. I know your dog doesn't have monetary value but like all dogs and cats, I bet they're the best dog in the world and worth more than money could ever be.

I do indeed ADORE my dog. She's the only constant thing I've had for the past 8 years, relationship break ups, job changes etc. You're totally spot on there! Smile
True about coming into money too. I have a friend who is well off-she lost her Father in her late teens-the whole thing affected her so badly and still does. I don't think about the fact she has a lot of money, she's suffered terribly and I know she'd rather have less money and have her Dad back.

OP posts:
Original poster
theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 23:02

Middlemarch123 · 02/02/2025 22:58

Oh I would have such fun with snoopy Sally!
” You forgot to factor in the string of race horses, the loft in Manhattan, and the yacht in Monte Carlo Sal sweetie “.
Wind her up and watch her go…

Despite my being quite meek and not knowing what to do here, in some circumstances that is TOTALLY the sort of thing I'd do. I had a very nosy lodger once who'd listen in to phone calls and conversations and I started talking about some realy obscure 'cloak and dagger' subjects with close friends to wind her up!

OP posts:
Maria1982 · 02/02/2025 23:01

That’s really not on!!!! As others above have said, really intrusive and Not Okay (it would be bad enough to do this , in a moment I imagine of her own nosiness and weakness, but to actually tell you!! And call you moneybags!!! Very very much not on).

im sorry this has happened to you and I hope you can distance yourself from this person. And frankly if you feel up to it;
tell her it’s not on.

FagsMagsandBags · 02/02/2025 23:01

She's a total weirdo and a very unpleasant person. Most of my friends are better off than me and I have precisely no desire to know who much "they're worth". They're worth a lot to me as friends and people I really love. I have no desire to know how much they have in the bank. One friend came into money in 2021 because her father-in-law died at the end of 2020 and then her husband died. I know that she'd have both of them back rather than x amount of money in her bank. She isn't a friend. I don't know how big your friendship group is but - trash tv admissions here - I've very recently been trapped (by my ownself) by the real housewives of both Beverly Hills and New Jersey. There are people in the group who have fallen out big time but they still manage to meet up as a group because there's enough of them to ignore their frienemy/enemy/that bitch. You either do that or you shame her in front of everyone in the nicest way possible. She deserves it.

p.s. I know your dog doesn't have monetary value but like all dogs and cats, I bet they're the best dog in the world and worth more than money could ever be.

IridiumSky · 02/02/2025 23:01

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:54

I really don't know but others on here have made good points, including that she might be unhappy in her marriage and wondering how I manage things alone. And/or that she's thought she was better off than me and has looked into it and realised she isn't? I have no real idea about her finances so I am not sure. I am certainly not going to look up what her (much larger than mine!) house is worth.

Show quote history

You don’t have to.

Simply post her address and about five other people here will look it up for you. 😂

p.s. Is there an accepted value for second-hand dogs? Some kind of actuarial grid: breed versus age and so on.

I’m learning so much from this thread. 😀

Aftergloww · 02/02/2025 23:01

Do I like the housing system? Not particularly.

But that woman is deranged. She did you a favour by letting you know, id stay well clear. Very odd behaviour.

Original poster
theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 23:00

YourFairCyanReader · 02/02/2025 22:54

Is she relatively well off with her partner nice home etc? I know some women like this and they need to feel that they're doing better than everyone else. They can sort of cope with another couple being wealthier, but absolutely not a single woman. This is because she knows she wouldn't be as wealthy as she is if it wasn't for her husband who earns well.

I used to have a 'friend' like this who was a SAHM but used to lord it over everyone as she was wealthy due to her husband's work. She hated that I was financially independent and secure.

You never know what's going on behind closed doors - she might be in a really unhappy marriage. She's jealous of your your strength and independence. Try and pity her!

Yes. Large house, husband has a very good job-she has a good job too. I haven't got any idea how much they earn though-it just isn't something I am at all interested in with friends. Maybe she is very unhappy in her marriage, I am considering that now. And I am definitely going tobe a bit nosy myself but in terms of asking if everything is okay with her because this is an odd thing to do and I don't know what compelled her to do it.

OP posts:
BigDeepBreaths · 02/02/2025 22:59

Is there a dog-breed equivalent to Rightmove or LinkedIn? This is a whole new level
of stalking I havent tapped into. Cant believe Ive wasted so much time snooping on the value of the properties that my casual acquaintances live in, when i should be looking at the value of their DOGS!!

saraclara · 02/02/2025 22:58

Next time I'd keep it short and simple
"Amy, this has now got beyond weird. Just stop"

Pallisers · 02/02/2025 22:58

I don't care if she is in an unhappy marriage or whatever. This is batshit behaviour - really rude and intrusive and just plain odd as anything. I'd simply not talk to her in any meaningful way going forward "Howya Sally" is as much as I'd say. And if she raised it again say it bluntly "your obsession with my net worth is really weird. I'd like you to stop. Or at least stop talking to me about it"

Middlemarch123 · 02/02/2025 22:58

Oh I would have such fun with snoopy Sally!
” You forgot to factor in the string of race horses, the loft in Manhattan, and the yacht in Monte Carlo Sal sweetie “.
Wind her up and watch her go…

Original poster
theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:57

TeenLifeMum · 02/02/2025 22:55

That’s nuts and it’s not like you’re a millionaire. I thought it was bad enough when a friend was confused how we could afford a big holiday and when I mentioned replacing the kitchen she said “oh are you getting a loan?” Er no, we’ve been saving. “But how can you afford that on your salaries? What do you bring in? I thought it was about 38k between you…” Where she came up with that figure I’ve no idea and I’ve no intention of telling her the truth. I just shrugged. (We bring in £120k between us in jobs with bandings so it’s not hard to figure out). Another time she said she wouldn’t get out of bed for my salary and her new job pays so much more… then told me how much and I earn more. I smiled politely then never bothered with her again. She’s the only person I ever ghosted.

I am putting a laugh react because this is so bizarre, I cna't imagine it was funny at all at the time!

OP posts:
Thevinegardiaries · 02/02/2025 22:57

SixOver · 02/02/2025 22:54

Sorry for the slight derail, but can you explain why the mtg won't ever get paid off? I'm about to BTL my property on a repayment BTL mtg rather than interest -only. Mtg should be paid off in 25 years... Am I missing something?

Show quote history

No, I think it was a bit of a sweeping statement (and I'm not saying that in a negative sense) that for some people having a property as a BTL isn't something that they are going to be able to afford to have forever, in some cases they may be renting out their own home while having to rent somewhere else to live in (either because it's cheaper or in an area they need to be, or bigger etc). A lot of people will pay off their BTL mortgages and some won't - they will sell up & pay off the mortgage & take any equity.

Applesandpears23 · 02/02/2025 22:56

Head tilt and “you ok hun?” with eye contact every single time she mentions it.

Nationsss · 02/02/2025 22:56

Absolutely unhinged.

I definitely think you need to ask the others has she done this to them as you are worried about her.

Psycho behaviour.

Original poster
theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:56

saraclara · 02/02/2025 22:52

Apart from anything else, unless she's found out the size of your mortgage she doesn't really know what you are 'worth'.

Exactly. Did she think that you own all those properties outright? Does she know that you own them with someone else?

I am not sure. I only ever mention about being a landlord when it is absolutely relevant to the conversation. I can't remember if I have mentioned my business partner-I think I must have. Maybe she doesnt know how it all works and thinks we get to keep all the rent and are loaded as a result! Aside from equity, (good) landlords don't make much money at all once all expenses are paid. Maybe she doesnt know that?

OP posts:
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