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Original poster

Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

315 replies

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 21:51

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 03/02/2025 04:21

I am confused as to how she knew all that information in the beginning?

On paper I look reasonably affluent with a large house I imagine anyone could work out is mortgage free but no one would know I own buy to lets or commercial properties.

Our own daughter didn't realise until she was around 15.

Onthemaintrunkline · 03/02/2025 03:47

You want to watch her, she’s not your friend in any shape or form. This is bizarre behaviour, worryingly so, to have her noseying into your business in this way, & then commenting!! I’d be putting real distance between myself and her. What an unbelievable cheek she has.

Devilgate · 03/02/2025 03:26

username299 · 02/02/2025 21:54

I would be furious. It's difficult because you're in the same group but I'd give her short shrift.

This 100 percent.

I’m so furious on your behalf I’ve no words.

wipeywipe · 03/02/2025 03:05

Does she dislike landlords & is being passive aggressive? It doesn't really make sense to me because she doesn't know how leveraged you are & we aren't talking about. lot of money.

MrsJHernandez · 03/02/2025 02:44

She's jealous and can't help but say things.

I'd be so annoyed. It's flipping weird and none if her business. What a cheek!

I'd be avoiding her if I could.

Next time she says something, just say "I'm considerably richer than yaaaow" in a Brummy accent!

On a serious note, you could just say it's none of your business. That'll shut her up, and embarrass her. Two for one.

DiduAye · 03/02/2025 02:29

I'd have told her just how inappropriate her behaviour was and shut ever comment down as it was uttered then cut her out of my life as much as possible I'd also have told the rest of the group why

WhateverEh · 03/02/2025 02:17

the instant she makes such comments instantly respond with ‘rude’ or ‘how rude’ and quickly chat with someone else about something else. Don’t give the behaviour much attention, just a quick sharp ‘how rude’ and put your focus elsewhere.

Monty27 · 03/02/2025 02:06

@theidiotswind call her out on it in public and embarrass her so she realises how out of order she's been.
How in name of common sense did she think it was OK to do that.
Get her out of your life. She thought it was OK to spout it. You won't have done anything wrong.

crouchendtigerr · 03/02/2025 02:01

Your "friend" is very odd, and I'd cut ties.

LittleBigHead · 03/02/2025 01:58

I know some women like this and they need to feel that they're doing better than everyone else. They can sort of cope with another couple being wealthier, but absolutely not a single woman. This is because she knows she wouldn't be as wealthy as she is if it wasn't for her husband who earns well.

I think @YourFairCyanReader has nailed it. I've noticed this as well, and particularly with SAHMs or women with "naice" jobs and much higher earning husbands. They really don't like single women doing well for themselves.

LittleBigHead · 03/02/2025 01:56

Thevinegardiaries · 02/02/2025 23:34

£7 to land registry and she would know. Not that I've done that. Lately.

Show quote history

Are you winding people up @Thevinegardiaries ? You sound quite unpleasant in your snooping on friends. Perhaps you need therapy? Or a life of your own.

I had a friend who likes to do this sort of thing (working out who people are in anonymous online forums is their speciality). I am quite circumspect in any conversation with this friend.

Christmasbear1 · 03/02/2025 01:55

She's nasty and jealous, I wouldn't be friends with her anymore. But at the same time, let this be a lesson to other people. Most people are jealous and you shouldn't tell them you have things likes properties, holidays, purchases etc it just causes problems in the long run.

user1492757084 · 03/02/2025 01:51

Tell her that what she can't see is how much the bank still owns of your properties.
Tell her that is all goes well, if you live to be very old you might own a share of those properties.

Tell her also that it is none of her business -your net worth.

OssieShowman · 03/02/2025 01:45

This is bullying at its worst. Time to move on.

LittleBigHead · 03/02/2025 01:44

She is rude, weird, and intrusive. I'd be distancing myself, and perhaps rehearsing responses to those snide comments re "moneybags."

Maybe look her in the face, directly, and say very straightforwardly that your finances are None.Of.Her.Business

And then ignore her.

WhateverEh · 03/02/2025 01:24

marriage is team work. If money is your strength then it’s natural for you to do more of the organising while keeping her in the loop. I’m sure she has other strengths she focuses on.

with most my friend group the women are more clued up financially then the blokes, they are the driving force with the family pensions, savings, second houses, house renovations, household bills, Their partners just do the car related stuff.

bevm72yellow · 03/02/2025 01:06

Just another viewpoint but if you as a group discuss properties , wealth and money then ask for favours for free or take free opportunities that somebody else found first the money becomes the priority within the group not the " friendship". People would tend to call out the behaviour or exclude the other person in some way from the group. Money, ownership or wealth might be the commonality of the group and " friendship " or emotional support might be what you lose in the trade if they see you as " a taker" whereas you may see yourself a grasper of opportunity.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2025 00:41

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 21:56

She seems to think It's okay because she also told me how much she's worth! But she has a larger house than me albeit no other houses, and a husband who earns a lot of money, they have some shares etc etc but her personal worth is apparently less than what she's worked mine out as.

I'd be telling her how out of order she is and that would be the end of the friendship

How dare she!

BruFord · 03/02/2025 00:39

To be blunt, I’d consider her a real weirdo and try to distance myself from her. As PP’s have said, it’s creepy and stalkerish behaviour.

Anecdotally, I’ve realized after several years that a couple of my friends are wealthy. I haven’t poked and pried into their business, they’ve shared certain things with me that have indicated this. It’s absolutely none of my business and has no impact on our friendships. They also dress scruffily at times, why on earth shouldn’t they?!

PennyApril54 · 03/02/2025 00:29

Talulahalula · 02/02/2025 21:55

That is shockingly out of order and I would say so.

Yes this. It is so weird and downright rude and intrusive. I think a sharp 'mind your own fucki*g business Susan' is needed the next time she pipes up or if that seems blunt something like 'I really think it's odd you looked into my finances and I want you to stop talking about it'. I'm sure there is not a single sane person who thinks this is ok.

echt · 03/02/2025 00:24

Lavender14 · Yesterday 22:13
Next time she makes a comment, especially in front of people I'd call her out. I'd say "Sally, I find it deeply inappropriate that you went and researched my financial situation online to try and calculate my worth. So I'd appreciate it if you could stop commenting on it now. Its strange and uncomfortable. "
And let her sit with it. To me the friendship would be over anyway

I agree with what @Ladyof2025 said. This is a perfect response as it deals with her behaviour and your judgement of it. No explanations of your financial situation, no speculation as to her motives.

Jumpingthruhoops · 03/02/2025 00:24

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 21:56

She seems to think It's okay because she also told me how much she's worth! But she has a larger house than me albeit no other houses, and a husband who earns a lot of money, they have some shares etc etc but her personal worth is apparently less than what she's worked mine out as.

I'm sorry, but this is nuts! What sort of friend 'looks into' how much someone is 'worth'!? I can't imagine being around someone so vulgar!

The only response that would work on this woman is to be blunt. Say to her that you find her behaviour almost a little 'stalker-y' and not the sort of energy you want from a 'friend'. So best we call time on this friendship.'

Then give her the widest berth possible.

Ladyof2025 · 03/02/2025 00:15

Lavender14 · 02/02/2025 22:13

Next time she makes a comment, especially in front of people I'd call her out. I'd say "Sally, I find it deeply inappropriate that you went and researched my financial situation online to try and calculate my worth. So I'd appreciate it if you could stop commenting on it now. Its strange and uncomfortable. "

And let her sit with it. To me the friendship would be over anyway.

This is absolutely perfect. Please please, op say this to her.

Anewyearanewday · 03/02/2025 00:12

MeTooOverHere · 03/02/2025 00:11

That's a bit rich. You're assuming thevinegardiaries has done it for the same reason 'Sally' has. Nothing to suggest the same.
A title search can be done by anyone for a multitude of reasons and there are multiple pieces of info on them. I have done title searches to find out the legal owner for neighbour issues. Sometimes it's the only way to find who owns a place.

Show quote history

Have you read the rest of thevine's posts on this thread? You probably should.

MeTooOverHere · 03/02/2025 00:11

Anewyearanewday · 03/02/2025 00:05

I mean this kindly but please read the thread and reflect on the replies e.g. stalker, creepy, envious - as these apply to you as well.

What you are doing is incredibly intrusive and you aren't benefitting in any way at allfrom it. What you have written makes your life seem so sad and empty. Make your life busy so you have less time to ponder over other people's lives. Your nosiness or desire to embarrass people stems from something lacking in your own life. You could do useful things with all this empty time like volunteering, helping with soup kitchens, charity shops, hospital visits. You would enrich your life and find it rewarding. It might also make you grateful for what you have instead of focussing on what others have.

Show quote history

That's a bit rich. You're assuming thevinegardiaries has done it for the same reason 'Sally' has. Nothing to suggest the same.
A title search can be done by anyone for a multitude of reasons and there are multiple pieces of info on them. I have done title searches to find out the legal owner for neighbour issues. Sometimes it's the only way to find who owns a place.

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