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Original poster

Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

315 replies

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 21:51

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

OP posts:
zingally · 03/02/2025 09:43

She's just jealous, and jealousy is a very unattractive emotion.

DolceDingo · 03/02/2025 09:34

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:00

Yes there are, and I'd thought about this but then felt that this would break the group up and/or cause bad relations and I just don't want to be the instigator of anything negative really. Not saying I'm definitely not going to do it.

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I think she’s the instigator of something weird! If you show her you’re uncomfortable, it’s an invitation to her to apologise (and explain, if you want that?) and maybe that will help clear things up. Not that you have to pretend it didn’t happen. But just to reiterate - you’re not the one creating the issue here.

I have had a slightly similar situation where a friend asked me very directly about money in a way which I found very nosy and inappropriate (and she was the ONLY person who behaved like this when I happened to receive some money). I made it clear in the moment that I found it very strange, and she picked up on that and acknowledged it, which I appreciated.

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 09:34

Whyherewego · 03/02/2025 09:11

More or less irritating than people researching your supposed "net worth" and making unsolicited comments?

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More because it’s BS

saraclara · 03/02/2025 09:31

Thevinegardiaries · 02/02/2025 23:08

Well this is the thing. It's having the nerve (or the cheek or whatever it is) to mention it that I find incredulous. I mean, HTF does one even bring this up without having to admit to snooping?

As I said further up the thread, I snoop. I could give lessons on where to find information, how to interpret it, and what to cross-reference it against. I snoop because ( A ) I am very nosy, and ( B ) the internet provides a great number of opportunities to indulge this hobby. Prior to the last 15 years all I could do was speculate.

But even then - as now- I kept it all to myself. I remember years ago someone telling me they'd known me long enough to tell me something hugely personal about their family, and oh how I had to act totally surprised by this revelation, when all I was thinking was "Oh blimey, Mrs so-and-so already told me this years ago, just act surprised, FFS ACT SURPRISED!". So much so, I have totally blanked-out what said revelation was, only that I had to make out it was all new to me.

Even when people are parading their lifestyles in the real world and with photographs on social media for those who may have missed the live event, I would never tell them that I knew it must all be racked up as a mountain of debt because there's no way they earn enough to afford it or have any hope of paying off their mortgage at their age now that they've just moved house to somewhere £300K more, not that I looked. I just wouldn't.

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I suggest that maybe you DO say something that lets your friends know what you're doing.

As a private person, I'd want to know if someone was poking their nose into my private business, so that I could deal with them appropriately. Which would probably mean dumping them as friends.

I have nothing to hide, no dodgy past, no debts. But my life, my finances etc are my business and I should be able to share personal information or keep it to myself, with the expectation of some privacy.

whatapalarva · 03/02/2025 09:31

theidiotswind · 02/02/2025 22:09

Thank you for all the suggestions of what to say. I haven't actually responded at all when she's addressed me in person about it, just stumped.

I don't think you need to say anything in response, if others hear her making comments it shows her up to be the materialistic, weird creep she is. Dignified silence is often the best policy. Recently, one of my friends husbands asked a personal money question and I ignored him, he said it again twice (rephrasing each time) in the end I simply said "I wont answer that question".

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 09:29

MarkWithaC · 03/02/2025 08:57

But it may well be true Confused
And I'm not convinced one can ever say for certain how well off a person is; we all have only partial views of our family and friends' incomes and lives.

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Most of us are intelligent enough to deduce when it’s not about affordability but priorities.

Easipeelerie · 03/02/2025 09:17

She sounds extremely weird, rude and jealous. I wouldn’t be hanging out with her any more.

Whyherewego · 03/02/2025 09:11

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 08:40

I know people who are well off who respond like this and it’s just irritating.

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More or less irritating than people researching your supposed "net worth" and making unsolicited comments?

Likewhatever · 03/02/2025 09:09

Next time ask her if she’s worked out how much tax you pay too.

snowmichael · 03/02/2025 09:07

Get better friends

Curryingfavour · 03/02/2025 09:07

I like looking at houses , I’m fascinated by what people do to renovate/ restore them .
I like looking at floor plans and what’s been done with gardens etc .
Love all the renovation and home shows from Homes Under the hammer to the property brothers .
so I’d look at the property for that reason only .
this “ friend “ is weird and completely out of order

Wheresthebeach · 03/02/2025 08:59

Tell her to stop being weird. Keep it simple

Oblomov25 · 03/02/2025 08:58

She sounds like a jealous loon. Quietly step back and engage as little as possible.

MarkWithaC · 03/02/2025 08:58

Anyway, Sally is Looney Tunes. I wouldn't reply jokily but stony-faced: 'Please stop making comments about my finances. You don't know what you're talking about, plus it's rude.'

MarkWithaC · 03/02/2025 08:57

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 08:40

I know people who are well off who respond like this and it’s just irritating.

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But it may well be true Confused
And I'm not convinced one can ever say for certain how well off a person is; we all have only partial views of our family and friends' incomes and lives.

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 08:42

MadinMarch · 03/02/2025 08:24

@Anewyearanewday I would argue that the information isn't incorrect!
It depends on your individual circumstances at the time as to whether it's better to have a repayment mortgage or an interest only mortgage on a BTL.
I chose to have an interest only mortgage as I was a lone parent to a very young child when I first took out a BTL mortgage, and I desperately needed that income to keep us financially afloat. Twelve years later it had trebled in value and I sold it to release the equity and bought two other properties in the area in which I now live, one unencumbered, and one with an interest only BTL mortgage. I'm now retired and the increased income from an interest only mortgage is more useful than having more equity tied up in the rental property that would be hard to access.
Therefore, an interest only BTL mortgage has without doubt, worked in my favour, and actually proved to be the better financial decision in the long run.

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@Anewyearanewday you sound like my MIL. There is no right or wrong - it’s what suits you and what you’re trying to achieve from your investment. Some people want income, some equity, some a mix of both.

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/02/2025 08:40

Whyherewego · 03/02/2025 07:38

OP I'd just have a couple of retorts handy if she says anything again along the lines of:
"Moneybags ... I wish, the bank owns everything haha "
"I can't afford to repair my car/fix the boiler let alone buy that/do that"
"This designer dress came from vinted ! Amazing bargains on there"
"I love my bobbly jumper, I buy everything second hand because I don't have much spare cash these days"

None of it has to be true but just to deflect the conversation off the money point and let her know you're not as well off as she thinks. This is for the scenario that you don't want to cut ties etc as she's in the friendship group. Obviously she's been very rude and nosey so you'd be entirely within rights to cut ties !

I know people who are well off who respond like this and it’s just irritating.

mommatoone · 03/02/2025 08:39

Sally is an absolute nutjob. I'd keep my distance!

Pancakeorcrepe · 03/02/2025 08:36

She sounds completely unhinged! I would avoid her company by all means possible. She is not a kind person and is clearly jealous. You need to surround yourself with people who want the best for you.

CappuccinoChocolate · 03/02/2025 08:30

What a strange woman. I hate conversations about wealth too. Always make me feel.v uncomfortable and 9/10 the person bringing it up is playing the 'lm considerably richer than yawoo' character. Some people just like being top dog.

I've noticed it seems less of an issue to ask about roles and earning capacity / perks/benefits in social conversation but still makes me wary.

I would be tempted to say something like "lets change the subject shall we, we all know it's terribly vulgar to discuss wealth or lack of .."

Goodness knows how she treats anyone with less money than here. I suspect very badly with lots of unrequested faux sympathy for their situation...ive been on the receiving end! This person seemed more bothered about the fact I rented than I did !

What a strange bizarre woman.

Thebigdigs · 03/02/2025 08:29

I would not make a passive-aggressive jokey reply - that will allow her to continue with her jokey comments. Either tell her straight that you find it weird and intrusive that she has researched your wealth or say nothing. One of my friends makes jokey comments about my wealth but not because she is jealous or wants to borrow or take advantage (she's got enough herself) she just has no filter - on any topic!!!

MadinMarch · 03/02/2025 08:24

Anewyearanewday · 02/02/2025 23:08

Your information is incorrect and you must have received very poor financial advice (which is presumably why you don't have the BTLs now). Presumably you were on interest only which makes very poor financial sense unless you are a large scale property investor.

For small investors, the rent from BTLs can and should be used to pay off the mortgages preferably timed for the term of the mortgages to come to an end as you reach retirement age and the money that was being used to reduce the mortgages then becomes your retirement income.

Show quote history

@Anewyearanewday I would argue that the information isn't incorrect!
It depends on your individual circumstances at the time as to whether it's better to have a repayment mortgage or an interest only mortgage on a BTL.
I chose to have an interest only mortgage as I was a lone parent to a very young child when I first took out a BTL mortgage, and I desperately needed that income to keep us financially afloat. Twelve years later it had trebled in value and I sold it to release the equity and bought two other properties in the area in which I now live, one unencumbered, and one with an interest only BTL mortgage. I'm now retired and the increased income from an interest only mortgage is more useful than having more equity tied up in the rental property that would be hard to access.
Therefore, an interest only BTL mortgage has without doubt, worked in my favour, and actually proved to be the better financial decision in the long run.

RobinEllacotStrike · 03/02/2025 08:15

Practice a reply to her so it rolls off your tongue easily next time you see her.

"Why are you bringing do intrusive & weird? I'm not going to discuss this with you again. Got your own dignity please stop."

LillyPJ · 03/02/2025 08:11

She's just being ridiculous. What you're 'worth' makes no difference to who you are, how you behave or how much spare cash you've got to spend. Either completely ignore any of her snarky comments, just laugh them off, or tell her to stop it.

Bubblyb00b · 03/02/2025 08:06

She is absolutely nuts, but how on Earth does she know where your houses are? Or even that you have them? She must have had quite detailed info to do her "research".

I have friends who are wealthy, I know they own property, too - but I have no idea where or what kind. It never enters the conversation.

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