Page 2 | How to deal with a partner that loves you more?

ReadingMum95 · 2025-02-02T21:40:33+00:00

I’m in a situation - I’ve been with someone nearly a year - but I know for a fact that they love me more and that can sometimes be quite intense and it’s making me feel quite suffocated. Examples - they constantly stare at me, even if we are watching tv or just chilling out on the sofa or in bed, I’ll catch them staring at me and when I call them out on it they say things like “you’re just so so beautiful” or “I just love you so so much”. It gets quite annoying because I feel like I can never fully relax because I feel watched all of the time. They tell me about 5 times an hour that they love me - I then feel like I have to say it back each time and it just feels like a lot. They also tell me they miss me all the time - even if it’s an hour after they’ve left and gone home sort of thing. They also can be quite clingy and wants to spend a lot of time with me, and when we are together, they are quite touchy and always wants cuddles etc - whereas I quite like my own personal space at times. I don’t have any concerns about abusive behaviour - as it doesn’t come across that way - I think they are just quite clingy and needy at times but it’s making me feel a little bit suffocated. At first, it felt quite nice with someone being so attentive but now it’s starting to put me off slightly. AIBU? How to handle this? They are such a lovely person in so many ways but can a relationship move past this?

bifurCAT · 03/02/2025 05:18

Horses for courses. Some would love someone who dotes on them, others would find it creepy and/or suffocating.

It's really up to you. Until people get stalkerish or call you a million times , get controlling, etc, I'd probably enjoy it while it lasts. Most guys start off quite intense and it doesn't take long until they're forgetting your birthday, so...

WaitingForDucks · 03/02/2025 05:12

ReadingMum95 my ex started off like this & he did actually turn out to be extremely abusive, I just couldn't see it.

I'm not saying that yours will, & of course none of us on here know 'yours' because you are the one dating them.
I will echo others & say that it's worrying that you feel like you can't discuss if with them.

In my case, I became really self conscious when we were eating, in particular, I found it difficult to enjoy my meal or a snack on the sofa with him right beside me, staring at me. I told him a few times in a jokey way eg 'Can you stop looking at me, I don't know weather to look at you or the film!' & he'd say 'Yeah, sorry! I'll try, you are just so beautiful!' & he'd stop for a few minutes then start again.

I had a proper talk with him & told him how the staring in particular was making me really self conscious, & the saying 'I love you' this often doesn't feel special, anymore, after a while, & he did stop then. But as I say, he was abusive in the end so please be careful.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/02/2025 04:57

'We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.'

I know its different strokes and all that but this actually made me shudder! I just can't imagine my husband hovering outside the bathroom door trying to talk to me when I am trying to have a bath or shower in peace! We have been together 32 years though, and I love him to bits but that would be a very hard pass.

MyProudHare · 03/02/2025 04:42

CaptainBeanThief · 03/02/2025 01:20

Me and my DH are pretty much the same, together for ten years, living together for 9 and married for 6.
If he stared at me and vice versa I would tell him to f off with that but everything else you describe we are the same.
We will be a minority of clingy needy women though 👀

Show quote history

Me and my DH are like this, too.

I guess the difference is, it's mutual so it doesn't feel suffocating... it's actually lovely.

The problem for OP is that it feels too much, which is totally reasonable as we're all different. OP, if you feel you can't talk to him about this, that's a problem in itself I'm afraid.

SaltyPig · 03/02/2025 02:05

DH loves me. We've been together over thirty years and he'll tell me he loves me every day.
What you're describing would feel suffocating. The only ones I've ever been even vaguely similar with are DC as babies or my dogs.

DorothyStorm · 03/02/2025 01:55

ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:28

No I haven’t because I feel awkward… he is constantly going on about how happy I make him, and how he feels so comfortable and chilled out and happy around me… that I feel like I can’t turn around and say anything and ‘ruin it’ for him if that makes sense?

Show quote history

I dont think the relationship is going anywhere if you feel like you cannot speak to him. So he gets to continue to make you uncomfortable.

Blusterylimp · 03/02/2025 01:48

batt3nb3rg · 03/02/2025 01:07

Surely unless you're commenting with experience of a similar relationship, you're also not being remotely helpful. My husband is pretty similar to what OP describes in their post - he is effusively affectionate, both verbally and physically, and is forever coming up behind me while I'm washing up or cooking to kiss and cuddle me, jumps into bed for ten minutes for a snuggle on the way past the bedroom if I end up tucked in to read a book ages before his bed time. He regularly turns the lamp on when we're cuddling in bed so he can look at me and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. He's very complimentary and thankful whenever I do the simplest of things for him, like cooking a meal or making an experimental cocktail or returning something to a shop for him, even though I am a housewife and all of those things fall under the umbrella of my responsibilities. We both say "I love you" pretty much every time we see each other, or leave the room, or leave the house, and if we're sitting together in a room doing different things we will usually average a few out of the blue every hour. And both of us certainly put on big displays when we've been reunited after a couple of hours out, but then he works from home so we're both used to being at home together or out together most of the time. We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.

We have been together for nearly ten years (since I was fourteen), lived together for five, and married for three, so not in the honeymoon phase by any account. I understand how someone might not like to have the kind of marriage I do, but that's just a compatibility issue - it doesn't mean those who are very affectionate by nature don't actually feel love.

Edited

Show quote history

That’s lovely @batt3nb3rg

CaptainBeanThief · 03/02/2025 01:20

batt3nb3rg · 03/02/2025 01:07

Surely unless you're commenting with experience of a similar relationship, you're also not being remotely helpful. My husband is pretty similar to what OP describes in their post - he is effusively affectionate, both verbally and physically, and is forever coming up behind me while I'm washing up or cooking to kiss and cuddle me, jumps into bed for ten minutes for a snuggle on the way past the bedroom if I end up tucked in to read a book ages before his bed time. He regularly turns the lamp on when we're cuddling in bed so he can look at me and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. He's very complimentary and thankful whenever I do the simplest of things for him, like cooking a meal or making an experimental cocktail or returning something to a shop for him, even though I am a housewife and all of those things fall under the umbrella of my responsibilities. We both say "I love you" pretty much every time we see each other, or leave the room, or leave the house, and if we're sitting together in a room doing different things we will usually average a few out of the blue every hour. And both of us certainly put on big displays when we've been reunited after a couple of hours out, but then he works from home so we're both used to being at home together or out together most of the time. We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.

We have been together for nearly ten years (since I was fourteen), lived together for five, and married for three, so not in the honeymoon phase by any account. I understand how someone might not like to have the kind of marriage I do, but that's just a compatibility issue - it doesn't mean those who are very affectionate by nature don't actually feel love.

Edited

Show quote history

Me and my DH are pretty much the same, together for ten years, living together for 9 and married for 6.
If he stared at me and vice versa I would tell him to f off with that but everything else you describe we are the same.
We will be a minority of clingy needy women though 👀

batt3nb3rg · 03/02/2025 01:07

myotherusernamesarebetter · 02/02/2025 23:28

No, you just imagine you would. You’re not being remotely helpful. This isn’t love - it’s smothering.

Show quote history

Surely unless you're commenting with experience of a similar relationship, you're also not being remotely helpful. My husband is pretty similar to what OP describes in their post - he is effusively affectionate, both verbally and physically, and is forever coming up behind me while I'm washing up or cooking to kiss and cuddle me, jumps into bed for ten minutes for a snuggle on the way past the bedroom if I end up tucked in to read a book ages before his bed time. He regularly turns the lamp on when we're cuddling in bed so he can look at me and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. He's very complimentary and thankful whenever I do the simplest of things for him, like cooking a meal or making an experimental cocktail or returning something to a shop for him, even though I am a housewife and all of those things fall under the umbrella of my responsibilities. We both say "I love you" pretty much every time we see each other, or leave the room, or leave the house, and if we're sitting together in a room doing different things we will usually average a few out of the blue every hour. And both of us certainly put on big displays when we've been reunited after a couple of hours out, but then he works from home so we're both used to being at home together or out together most of the time. We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.

We have been together for nearly ten years (since I was fourteen), lived together for five, and married for three, so not in the honeymoon phase by any account. I understand how someone might not like to have the kind of marriage I do, but that's just a compatibility issue - it doesn't mean those who are very affectionate by nature don't actually feel love.

LeafofLorien · 03/02/2025 00:43

Ladyof2025 · 03/02/2025 00:39

Why do you call this person "they"?

Probably because they want to keep the post ambiguous as to whether OP is male or female or they are non binary and preferred pronoun is they/them. Doesn't really matter does it? Not the point of the post.

Ladyof2025 · 03/02/2025 00:39

Why do you call this person "they"?

Blusterylimp · 03/02/2025 00:34

ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:28

No I haven’t because I feel awkward… he is constantly going on about how happy I make him, and how he feels so comfortable and chilled out and happy around me… that I feel like I can’t turn around and say anything and ‘ruin it’ for him if that makes sense?

Show quote history

Yes, it definitely needs to be handled sensitively but if he is really driving you away then the relationship is going to fall apart anyway if he doesn’t change.
Im useless at phrasing things properly but I’m sure some other posters on here will be able to suggest a way to raise it with him without upsetting him too much.
If he is so sensitive that you can’t have honest communication with him then the relationship is probably doomed unless you are going to walk on eggshells all the time for fear of upsetting him.
Good luck.

healthybychristmas · 03/02/2025 00:30

I wouldn't like this either. I'd be very unnerved if someone kept staring at me. I'd get really bored having to tell someone I loved him when I wasn't planning to tell him that.

Maybe you need to have a good conversation with him and tell him that the way he's behaving is really putting you off. It gives him the chance to make changes.

Original poster

ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:28

Blusterylimp · 03/02/2025 00:24

Have you spoken to him about it OP as he probably doesn’t realise that it is too much for you?

No I haven’t because I feel awkward… he is constantly going on about how happy I make him, and how he feels so comfortable and chilled out and happy around me… that I feel like I can’t turn around and say anything and ‘ruin it’ for him if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Blusterylimp · 03/02/2025 00:24

Have you spoken to him about it OP as he probably doesn’t realise that it is too much for you?

Original poster

ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:21

Thank you for all the helpful replies and comments!

With the saying I love you so many times - unfortunately it’s not an exaggeration at all. It’s usually around that many times when we are together in person because they’ll say it after giving me a kiss or cuddle or something like that - so probably 5 times an hour!

The people saying how nice it is to be adored like that and I’ll miss it when it’s gone sort of thing - that’s what puts me on the fence of thinking is this just really nice to have someone look at me that way/express their feelings for me so often or is it just too much sort of thing?

I don’t know if it’s worth pointing out that their family doesn’t really bother with them much (in the fact that they always have to reach out and contact them first) and they only have a couple of friends so I feel like they cling to me a bit more because I’m all they really have on a day to day basis sort of thing?

OP posts:

NowThatYouSayIt · 03/02/2025 00:11

I’d find that profoundly unattractive and deal either way it by politely ending things.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 03/02/2025 00:03

You dump them because they're clingy as fuck!

GiddyCrab · 02/02/2025 23:35

I had one like this. Unfortunately I felt pressurised into marrying them.
It did not work out. Huge mistake.
I'd consider ending this relationship.

whynotwhatknot · 02/02/2025 23:33

no its too much its obsessive

i was with someone like this it was too much just after a few months

Circumferences · 02/02/2025 23:31

This is EXACTLY how I am with my cat 😲

Does he have a hundred nick-names for you?
Does he also try and pick you up all the time and rub his face into your tummy?

Are you sure you're not a cat?

myotherusernamesarebetter · 02/02/2025 23:28

Blusterylimp · 02/02/2025 23:19

I’d quite like to be adored like that. Don’t knock it as there are plenty of people treated with indifference or even contempt by their partners.
Have you spoken to him to ask him to rein it back in a bit?

No, you just imagine you would. You’re not being remotely helpful. This isn’t love - it’s smothering.

Saphire123 · 02/02/2025 23:25

How you describe it, he is acting way too intense, bordering on creepy.
Everyone likes to be told they are beautiful and loved by their partners, but not stared at and suffocated with adoration.

Can't you tell him (in a kind way) he is coming on too strong?

Blusterylimp · 02/02/2025 23:19

I’d quite like to be adored like that. Don’t knock it as there are plenty of people treated with indifference or even contempt by their partners.
Have you spoken to him to ask him to rein it back in a bit?

Catza · 02/02/2025 23:15

I am assuming I love you 5 times an hour is an exaggeration. If someone is touchy and you are not, there isn't really anything you can do to move past it. You have different needs, and I wouldn't be happy with someone like you. Touch is important to me.
I wouldn't describe myself as clingy, but I found myself checking my partner out a lot. Like, if he were to come into a room, I'd always look at him. I realised after a few years that he never looked at me. It felt a bit like the mum from Bridget Jones - I could literally walk in with knickers on my head and he wouldn't notice. I took the hint and I left him. I suggest you save them the hassle and do the same. You are clearly not interested.