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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparent has put themselves down as primary carer on our holiday booking?

135 replies

KSM123 · 02/02/2025 21:01

We have a holiday planned with my in laws with our baby who will be 4 months old at time of travel. My FIL has booked the flights and has today told us that he put himself down as my baby’s primary carer. This instantly made me feel a certain kind of way - maybe hurt and a bit angry - but I wasn’t sure at the time if I was being unreasonable so kept quiet…my understanding is that, with this, baby will need to sit with him on a different row from us for the flight when seatbelts light is on. He will also get her extra 10kg luggage allowance. Technically he will also be responsible for any decisions made for her during the airport and flight should something happen?
I am really not sure why he has put himself down instead of myself or my husband. Am I overthinking it? Maybe it’s not a big deal? I just want to be with my baby through the flight and wish it wasn’t so casually assumed that would be ok with us.
My husband doesn’t seem to care and thinks we will be able to just switch seats so we can be on the row with her but I’m not sure it’s that simple if the flight booking has been made that way.
AIBU?

OP posts:

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 03/02/2025 06:35

Yanbu for being pissed off at the chain of events, but why take a 4mo abroad?

Rachmorr57 · 03/02/2025 04:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bearhunt468 · 03/02/2025 04:05

So I've just booked flights with Jet2 and they asked who was the primary carer for our baby and then got a free seat selection for that person..maybe he has chosen himself a preferred seat such as an aisle using this?

jerkchicken · 03/02/2025 03:21

Been flying with my kids for many years and never heard of such a thing as primary carer. The baby will be on your lap anyway, and it doesn’t matter whom the baby’s luggage allowance is being carried by. It’s a non issue.

TopshopCropTop · 03/02/2025 03:19

The cabin crew on board won’t care who the baby is sitting with, she will absolutely 100% be able to sit with you. This is also easily amended in the booking for the vast majority of airlines.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/02/2025 02:44

YouLookLikeStevieNicks · 02/02/2025 22:14

Baby will have automatically been allocated as +1 for the lead passenger. We've never been asked on any booking who the primary carer is for our baby, but she's always been allocated to the lead booker and appeared on their boarding pass etc. Usually me.

We've also swapped when on the plane with no issue, I think this is a huge misunderstanding.

But the airline can allocate to someone else and being on someone else’s boarding pass can be problematic. My mil had my son on her boarding pass and went and boarded ahead of me and the baby (yes also easily avoided if she’d just waited too)

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/02/2025 02:40

I would try get the airline to change it. Some airlines give an infant whilst others will include them on the adults. If she’s on your fil’s boarding pass it will cause issues if your not boarding or checking in together (speaking from experience in the exact same situation)

coxesorangepippin · 03/02/2025 01:58

He sounds controlling

He'll be telling you what time breakfast is for sure

Codlingmoths · 03/02/2025 01:45

I don’t think there’s ever been any sense of one parent between dh and I having to hold the baby at take off and landing and we’ve flown a bit with babies, short and long haul. But if the airline did say baby has to be with fil, i’d say no and kick up a huge fuss at them taking a baby away from its mum due to an admin error!

Wintersgirl · 03/02/2025 00:39

Ex cabin crew here OP, we never checked who the primary carer was onboard, I've never heard of it to be honest, just carry your baby and have her on your lap, I promise no one will check!

PennyApril54 · 03/02/2025 00:24

TwentyTwentyFive · 02/02/2025 21:06

Why would he have to sit with your child, who would be on your knee not a seat?

Did he actually understand what it meant and do you think he did it for a reaction or did he think it was just like being the lead passenger?

This. If he did it intentionally it is very odd however I can see how someone not thinking and not familiar with booking for children could get it mixed up with lead passenger. It'll probably be fine.

healthybychristmas · 03/02/2025 00:19

Now that you have a baby you are really going to have to start sticking up for yourself, OP.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 00:13

Are you sure you want to go on holiday with them?

weirdoboelady · 03/02/2025 00:03

It might well be that FIL did put this down, intending to give you a break during the flight, without thinking it through. I suspect it will be very easy to change, especially if you ask FIL how he intends to cope with breastfeeding during the flight.....

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 02/02/2025 23:57

Your FiIL will quickly regret this if your baby's ears pop and they scream the place down! If that happens your baby would want you anyway.

SheridansPortSalut · 02/02/2025 23:49

They've gotten confused.
There's no such thing.

I've traveled a lot in family groups with infants. No one has ever asked who the primary career is or who the baby is to sit with.

There's no issue.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 02/02/2025 23:48

I would be more worried about the car seat!

Certainly don't accept a random rented one for a tiny 4month old. We've always taken our own even if just for the transfer- far too many horror stories from friends landing at airports and being given booster seats or clearly broken/ damaged/ filthy seats.

Doesn't matter who is lead passenger, me and DP decide on the flight who gets the baby on lap, although we've also always booked an extra seat for space- with ryanair the spare seat is sometimes cheaper than the lap infant fee! I'd want the baby close to feed if ears hurt.

Fencehedge · 02/02/2025 23:47

KSM123 · 02/02/2025 22:41

Thanks again for the replies! Totally happy to accept if I’ve misunderstood the situation and relieved to hear most of these responses (I will ignore the one about crashing 🤣🤣)
Maybe “primary carer” threw me off and they just meant “lead passenger”. FIL did say that he made my husband the primary person for the one flight and himself the other. Not sure if airlines do it differently - we are Jet2 outbound and Ryanair on the way back.

@Sugargliderwombat yes, he 100% is 🤣 get there 5 hours early type.

Sorry, @SALaw when I said confrontational I didn’t mean argumentative. I guess I just don’t like to express my dismay about something on the spot. I am very grateful for him organising this for us and do not want to seem like I don’t appreciate it.

These posts have been reassuring and I hope everything works out fine as long as it won’t be a situation where I can’t be with my baby due to the booking paperwork!

You shouldn't 'hope', you (or your husband) will put your foot down and insist on it.

DreamTheMoors · 02/02/2025 23:41

2025willbemytime · 02/02/2025 21:33

I think some grandparents forget that while their child is still their child they are actually an adult with a child of their own now.

I was 50 and the youngest and Mum was still calling me “her baby.”

Flatandhappy · 02/02/2025 23:41

I’m guessing people here don’t fly much. There is no such thing as nominating a primary carer on a flight, such a thing doesn’t exist, there is a lead passenger on a booking which is where I assume the confusion lies. Stop stressing, you will not be separated from your 4 month old baby.

Ger1atricMillennial · 02/02/2025 23:39

Bit odd, maybe he has a complex about being responsible for everything.

I don't know in any practical situation it would matter, obviously the mother/father is the primary carer and that would be a priority especially if you explain that FIL did it without you knowing.

You could play dumb and say you didn't know that it was a thing but obviously you will be sitting with your baby.

pizzaHeart · 02/02/2025 23:25

Mum5net · 02/02/2025 23:18

Which airline ?
message the airline tomorrow and ask then what it means.

Actually this ^ is the best way to approach it. Call them or e
mail them and see what they say.

Mum5net · 02/02/2025 23:18

Which airline ?
message the airline tomorrow and ask then what it means.

HMW1906 · 02/02/2025 23:13

Baby is usually automatically assigned to the lead booker so presumably your FIL in this situation. We travelled with the in-laws when our youngest was 12weeks. MIL was lead booker so he was assigned to her boarding card. When we got to the check in desk I just told them that baby would be sat with me and they took him off of her boarding card and printed his own out. It was fine and not even an issue. If you’re are all on one booking the extra 10kg can go on anyone’s case it doesn’t have to be on FILs.

Original poster

KSM123 · 02/02/2025 22:41

@Sugargliderwombat yes, he 100% is 🤣 get there 5 hours early type.

These posts have been reassuring and I hope everything works out fine as long as it won’t be a situation where I can’t be with my baby due to the booking paperwork!

OP posts:

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