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Original poster

Older men and legal 'relationships' with teenage girls

32 replies

Bonnejournee · 02/02/2025 19:06

I've changed my name for this one as my mum knows my user name. I don't really know why I'm posting, just want to get it off my chest.

When I was 16 I was involved with two separate men who were a lot older than me. I've mostly tried to forget about it, however last night I gave my 18 year old sister and some friends a lift from the station, and I realised the thought of even looking at her boyfriend in a sexual way makes me feel absolutely repulsed. I'm 25, and they just look like actual children - probably because they are. Today I've been feeling a bit low and decided to look these men up online to see how old they were at the time. One of them would have been 30 when were were involved, and the other 39...

At the time I had recently moved out, and worked with both these men. I lived on site at my work. Both of them flirted with me at work, but I just thought it was funny - I probably fancied them a bit. I had a chaotic home life and maybe found it a bit comforting - and I probably 'led them on'. At this point I'd never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a boy. Once I turned 16 I started a 'relationship' with one of these men (the 30 year old)but it had to be a secret, which I didn't understand at the time. He bought me things and I think i just thought i was cool. When he moved away, I had a one night stand with the older man (39), I was flirting with him, and he asked if I wanted to go back to his and I did. I was raped also by a colleague in between this, and I feel like while I shouldn't have flirted with him, i was very vulnerable.

I feel so much incredible shame over this, and I've feel ashamed and disgusted in myself ever since - I did definitely flirt, and I never said no at any point. What happened was perfectly legal, and so I've just put it out my mind for years. But seeing my sisters friends last night just made me feel like even if a 16 year old boy tried to flirt with me, I'd just brush them off, it's horrible, and I don't know how they thought it was ok? I know it was my 'fault' and there was no abuse, but I'm just having such conflicted thoughts about this - i feel there needs to be a law only allowing 16-18 year old to sleep with people 5 years older than them max.

I dont know what i hope to get from this, I know there was nothing illegal, and I know i led them both on, but it's just really disturbing me so I wondered if anyone else had a similar experience and could help me navigate how I should feel?

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 02/02/2025 19:22

You must know you didn’t lead them on. 16 year old girls do not lead 30 year old men on so please stop putting that out there. It comes across as disingenuous.

Ive been in the same position but certainly don’t view that I had any power to lead anyone on!

username299 · 02/02/2025 19:22

None of this was your fault. You were vulnerable and these men took advantage of you. The Survivors Trust has a good helpline you might find useful.

Serpentstooth · 02/02/2025 19:20

What a sad post and what a common experience. Hundreds, probably thousands, 9f MN users will have had similar. Please try to put your shame away. You were a vulnerable near-child as the sleazebags knew, that's why they target young people without the experience or confidence to see what they're doing. Some counselling might be helpful if you can obtain it. There is no shame in being an exploited child or young person. Please try to place any shame and blame where they belong. That's not with you. Best wishes.

Redtoothpaste · 02/02/2025 19:17

I hope you get better. You still seem very young and, although it’s hard to do, you shouldn’t these things ruin your mental health.

toomuchfaff · 02/02/2025 19:13

When I was 16

This is the crux of it.

At 16, you're not an adult, your brain hasn't formed fully and you're not grown. It's called grooming, and those people who had sex with you are pedophiles. Whether you say "I agreed" - you didn't.

Therapy, get some therapy. People will say it better than me but don't feel shame. The only reason for shame is you were put in a situation you shouldn't have been in, and that not your shame, it's the shame of those who should have protected you.

Errors · 02/02/2025 19:12

As an aside, I don’t necessarily agree with your suggestion of changing the law the way you have described. But I would support increasing the age of consent to 18.

Errors · 02/02/2025 19:11

I think first and foremost, you need to stop feeling ashamed and disgusted with yourself. You were a vulnerable young woman who was taken advantage of. You did nothing wrong and while technically in the eyes of the law they didn’t either, they were the ones whose behaviour was bordering on predatory.
I would absolutely judge a nearly 40 year old sleeping with a teenager. Regardless of the gender of either party involved