Older men and legal 'relationships' with teenage girls

This was not your fault. You did not lead them on. The fact the 30 year old made you keep it hidden shows he KNEW how wrong it was - and did it anyway.

They were old enough to know better and to know that they should have been protecting you from predators. Sadly, they were the predators.

And it seems that far, far too many men will happily go for borderline too young (legally) women and girls - and they do not feel even slightly bad about out this.

I'm so sorry about what happened to you, You did not cause it and you didn't deserve it.

The activity may be wrong, potentially grooming and exploitation. It may not be legal as some previous posters have explained. That doesn’t mean the man is a paedophile. Not b ing a paedophile doesn’t make behaviour ok

The NSPCC has a definition and explanation of the reason it is important

Defining paedophilia
The tenth edition of the International Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders (ICD-10) classifies paedophilia as a sexual preference for children, usually of prepubertal or early pubertal age. The person diagnosed must be at least 16 years old and at least five years older than the child or children who are the focus of their sexual preference.2,3
A diagnosis of paedophilia can help with the treatment of people with this specific psychiatric disorder. However, the terms ‘paedophilia’ and ‘paedophile’ may prevent people from identifying they have a problem or seeking help to change their behaviour.4,5,6

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do OP.

Ive only relatively recently realised I was sexually assaulted by my then boyfriend back in 1991. I was 18 and he was 18 months older than me - so not the same situation as you, granted. Thing is, I was too drunk to properly consent to the sexual act that happened.

He’d also realised he’d done wrong as next day he admitted that what happened was ‘silly.’ God knows why, but the relationship continued for another 7 years!

You'd be happy if your 30 yr brother/son/husband/mate/work colleague had sex with aa 16yr old then?

You're a wrong un as well.

This!
They are creeps but not paedophiles.
Paedophiles are attracted to prepubescent children.

OP, you weren’t ’leading them on’. 16 year olds camp often find their newfound sexual power kind of exciting and interesting and want to experiment with it. It’s up to the grown ups around them to show proper boundaries. You were taken advantage of. Imagine you’d been 13. 13 year olds will flirt with each other. Would you still think you’d ’led them on?’

You shouldn't feel any shame, but the men should.
My daughter & her friends went out to celebrate one of their 16th's birthday. Some of the girls were still 15. They went to what is classed as a family restaurant. They were hit on by middle 30 -40 year old men who were at the next table. Non of the girls look older than they are, dress modestly ( not that that should matter) The girls reported it to the staff at the restaurant, who were brilliant. The night was cut short & Dads were called to collect the girls. They felt uncomfortable staying.
Adult men should know better & have better morales. They would hate it if a man treated their daughter like they act!

The 30 year old had a brief relationship with you, when you were 16. He bought you things and probably made you feel special. He groomed you. At 30, he knew having a sexual relationship, whilst not illegal, with a 16 year old, was ultimately wrong. Yes, you consented, meaning he didn't rape you. However, he groomed you over a period of time, ensuring that when the time came, you'd consent. The second man, again at 39, knowingly took full advantage of your age and vulnerability. Both are scum. What happened was not your fault. You were 16, and like most teenagers, didn't have the emotional maturity to cope and understand exactly what these men were doing. Please seek some counselling for yourself, to work through your feelings and emotions. At 25, you are now understanding and realising how vulnerable you were and the fact that what happened to you was very wrong.

@Dartmoorcheffy leading someone on takes an adult brain. You’re talking about a 16 year old girl having the upper hand on a grown adult male. Don’t confuse delusional and naive with having power. They’re not the same.

Op- you did nothing wrong. You were a vulnerable child. Please let go of the shame

You have no reason to feel shame.
I am speaking as someone who was sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted as a young adult. I felt horrendous shame and felt it was my fault in both these situations. So to the PP who says saying you feel shame is disingenuous, actually I believe that you do.
I have been having counselling from a specialist rape / child sexual abuse counsellor and it has taken many months for me to even start to believe I wasn't to blame. But the starting point was in knowing that if the other person told me to keep it secret then they knew it was wrong.
I would really suggest getting some specialist counseling.

It’s really unhelpful to continually expand the definition of “paedophile” way beyond what it actually means. These men are groomers and potentially sexual predators and what happened to OP was gross, but paedophilia is a sexual attraction to children. Not young adults.

Men want to convince themselves that if a female child has grown full size boobs, she must be grown woman. That is sick.

of course they are.

"16 year old girls do not lead 30 year old men on"

I would disagree with that. Lots of 16yr old girls are just discovering the power of their sexuality, and think they are adults.

Older attractive
men are more glamorous and "dangerous" and grown up than the boys that are their own age.

It's down to the men to not get involved They are the ones old enough to know better and should ignore young girls who think they are all grown up and find Older men exciting.

I think this is pretty much common to a lot us girls when younger. I had quite a few experiences with older/married men trying it on on work nights out. I was naive and shocked that the managers I respected did this, the start of a long learning process about certain men.

I was shy and found it scary, others my age had relationships. Yes it was predatory, this was the 1980s, and more accepted.

I was in similar relationships at 16-19, sleeping with men in their 30s and a couple in their 40s. Now I’m 33 and it baffles me that these men thought it was ok!
Demi lovato has a song called ‘29’ and it summed up my feelings towards it all perfectly! Hope you’re ok! Its not your shame, it is theirs!!

At 16, you're not an adult, your brain hasn't formed fully and you're not grown. It's called grooming, and those people who had sex with you are pedophiles. Whether you say "I agreed" - you didn't

They are not paedohiles.

Oh OP this is very upsetting to read. Please, please don't feel ashamed because the shame isn't yours, it's theirs. You were a child. Please be kinder to yourself.

You have nothing to feel ashamed of.
This is a tale as old as time , its always been the same and really even in this 'woke' age its still sadly going to happen.
I'm a lot older than you and i was in a relationship aged 17 with a much older man ,he was a parents worse nightmare looking back.
I look at my beautiful fresh faced teenage daughter and the thought of a man who is well old enough to know better lusting over her absolutely repulses me.
Flirting is no excuse for a man to think its a green light to do as he pleases .
What's done is done ,its in the past ,you were vulnerable and were taken advantage of ,it was those men's fault not yours and they should be the ones to feel ashamed ,bet they don't though !
Go easy on yourself ,you were very young just learning about life, you absolutely did nothing wrong.

Well, it is not as simple as saying when over 16 then legal.
Depending on what kind of working relationship you had with these men they could actually committed a crime by engaging sexually with you.

You did nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to explore further you could consider counselling.

I would agree on age of consent being raised to 18. I can’t imagine the police being interested in an 18 and 16 year old that are in a relationship having sex. It seems odd that (in England)?the legal age for other stuff including voting and smoking is 18.

I don’t agree with the 5 year rule. I can only see it being charged with rape, so that if there was not a conviction of rape there would be the lower charge. or worse just charge with the 5 years because rape is harder to prove.

The Shame should change sides! You are not to blame.

Just because it was legal does not mean it was ethical or appropriate.

Some workplaces now have rules about colleagues dating.

Not exactly banned but sometimes there are guidelines to protect everyone.

And if a man is in a position of power) responsibility then they can still get in trouble regardless of legal age eg, teachers social workers etc can't use their charges as a dating pool.

They were a pair of disgusting, horrible excuses for men and none of it was your fault.