Exes new baby isn't our problem?

The ''village'' = women doing all of the work. No thanks.

It also doesn't work in this scenario anyway because the ex has never helped OP, in fact, they haven't had a great relationship at all in the past. She isn't OP's ''village'' and OP certainly isn't hers.

The ex does seem to be only thinking of herself.

You think OP is lucky this unrelated woman has had a baby? The baby has a mum, dad, definitely one and possibly two sets of grandparents. That’s a decent crack at a village even without OP putting herself out to buy nappies and take the older kids to school on their mum’s days.

You think OP’s child and her employer owe this woman and her new baby? Are they in the village too?

Maybe for the next couple of months you should just offer to have the DSC for more than 50% of the time so that the school runs etc. are planned in.

It might not be easy for either the OP or her DH to change their working hours to to more of the school runs though. I mean sure, if the ex was hit by a bus or something they'd need to make a plan, but this situation is something she chose for herself.

It’s amazing how everyone would love for a village to raise their children in till it takes effort to be that village for somebody else. Having a village, supporting people and showing up and creating that for the children who you are privileged enough to have in your life takes effort but it means something, it’s sad how closed off we’re encouraged to be and to only think of ourselves, that’s why we are all so lonely and unsupported.

Yes, she needs help. But it is not always going to be possible for OP’s DH or OP to provide that help. Nor should they have to be responsible for picking up her slack every single time. They have their own lives and household to run and it’s simply not reasonable for his ex-wife to always expect them to be able to step in and sort it for her, being 8weeks postpartum or not. She needs to rely on the baby’s father (op says he is involved but works so is busy), her parents (also nearby) too.

OP and her DH cannot be his ex-wife’s default support system every time. OP and her DH may not be able to change working hours or other plans at the last minute/ whenever the ex-wife decides she can’t do something for her DC. I couldn’t simply rearrange my working hours at short notice on multiple occasions (which is what would be needed if DH is to do school run in place of OP). I would not be allowed. As an occasional once off because my child is sick or something has come up? Yes, probably. Multiple times, at short notice (e.g. night before)? No, absolutely not. I might be able to rearrange my working hours as a permanent arrangement, but I couldn’t just chop and change at will, on little to no notice.

OP’s ex-wife is responsible for coming up with solutions during her custody time. How often do we hear it said that father’s need to be responsible for sorting out childcare during their custody time. I think same applies here- helping out on occasion is fine but expecting them to do it frequently is not ok.

I imagine she’d be pretty hacked off if OP’s DH unilaterally altered contact hours or responsibility or financial support (if he gives any). They have agreed custody arrangements, which OP and her DH have organised their lives around. Changes need to be workable for both parties, not just one. If she cannot cope with the custody arrangement in place, perhaps they’ll need to be revisited on a semi-permanent basis to allow OP’s DH/OP to manage in the medium term.

You may see them as seperate things but some including the pp I mentioned clearly do not.

You are being very unreasonable if:

1. She doesn't have any other family or friends there.
2. The ex is gone and gone.

Maybe for the next couple of months you should just offer to have the DSC for more than 50% of the time so that the school runs etc. are planned in.

It must be tough for those kids - everyone is prioritising the smaller half siblings, their jobs etc.

I'm not a stepmother, and I don't think they should be the support human for their partners' every vaguely-related-to-child; I've fully supported OP in this thread, too.
I also think that having a step-parent or being a step-parent, and having step-siblings or different half siblings (etc, add combinations) is a distinctly sub-optimal situation, and one I'd definitely try to avoid, if possible. That's a different thing.

So you think that the step mother should do the work not the fathers? How outdated is that! The dad can look after his baby as can the father’s family.

YANBU

OP’s DH’s ex is in a difficult position- but that is not OP’s problem to fix. It’s one thing to help in an emergency but I don’t think persistent last minute requests for school run/collecting children from hobbies to drop home to her or requests to collect nappies/groceries are on, actually. Especially if it makes OP run late for her own work or massively inconveniences her.

As an occasional thing- yes, absolutely help her out. However, that isn’t what OP is outlining, she’s suggesting regular short notice requests and it is beginning to negatively impact on her- that’s not reasonable regardless of whether this woman is one week, ten weeks or a year post partum. There’s being kind and then there’s kindness being taken advantage of, even if unintentional. OP is right, there are limits especially when the relationship isn’t amicable and they aren’t friends. DH’s ex does need to find alternative support- what will she do if OP or her DH genuinely cannot help out because they have other commitments? My guess is, she’d either manage just fine (I’ve certainly had to do school or nursery run on no sleep with a small baby- not fun, but goes with the territory) or she would be able to find someone to help. At the moment, OP and her DH are the default and they should not always be.

The baby’s father is around but works so apparently can’t help out. The ex-wife’s parents are nearby but can’t help because they work. But it’s fine to repeatedly expect OP and her DH to step in to bail her out- even though they also work? Nope. Her DH’s ex-wife needs to find alternative/additional sources is support. It can’t all fall to OP’s DH/her.

If she genuinely can’t cope, they maybe need to look at custody arrangements that reflect her ability to manage. They can be revisited when things are more stable.

No the babies father should be stepping in and helping her with the baby so she can sleep. Or the baby’s maternal grandparents.
The OPs DH didn’t decide to have another baby, his ex did. What has that got to do with him?! Yes in an emergency if she needs help with their shared children, but he shouldn’t be expected to all of a sudden do all the school runs etc for an indefinite time. For couples who have a baby, the father often goes back to work after a few weeks. Who takes the kids to school then?! Oh yes the mother! The father doesn’t all of a sudden take on everything whilst working full time. So why is the expectation that this woman’s ex should do so, when he isn’t even father to the baby?! Madness

Your husband should be doing the extra school runs/activity pickups etc. see is shattered, and sleep-deprived, it’s in his interest for the safety of his children all round to drive his children to school rather than her drive when she’s utterly exhausted. Is he not approachable on the matter? Is he not stepping up more during this short period? If not, why not?
The outcomes of his own children are affected by the stance he takes now.

She isn't asking DH, she's asking you as you are doing most of the child activities.

I see you are getting the judgmental view that you should help her. I bet if it was you expecting help then the MN judgement would be the opposite.

I'd help. Sometimes it's worth putting yourself out a bit for the benefit of the future. Helping her out here when she's struggling might completely change the dynamic you had previously and may end up being far more amicable all round, which can only benefit the children. That baby might be nothing to do with you, but it's your step kids sibling.

It might. Or it might create an ongoing expectation, and when OP puts boundaries in place further down the line, these could be met with anger and resentment.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Sorry, I thought you were talking about the situation that has been mentioned a few times in this thread where a mum in another thread had a baby in ICU. My mistake!

I'd help. Sometimes it's worth putting yourself out a bit for the benefit of the future. Helping her out here when she's struggling might completely change the dynamic you had previously and may end up being far more amicable all round, which can only benefit the children. That baby might be nothing to do with you, but it's your step kids sibling.

Depends very much on what it is concerning. Not every issue has to be a team one.

A stepparent doesn’t become responsible for a stepchild upon marrying a parent. They may wish to assume responsibilities, but they in no way have to.

OP didn’t marry her DHs ex or her DHs exs new ex though? This is their responsibility to sort.
The person OP married has arranged his life to cope with all he has to do. It’s the extra requests that are the problem, and I’m struggling to see why it’s OPs problem over and above the father of the baby and exs own parents.

OP - not your problem but the usual MN doubel standard that the EX is expected to have the SDCs more and do moreof the load when the EX has a new baby with new DP.

Same scenario.

I mean, so could you. You’re as obliged to offer her help as OP is.

None of this is her problem.

I’m assuming you are talking about my response to someone else about a stepmums post. I have not seen the post. I can only speculate. If the father and step mother really have 50/50 contact with children then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask the mother to Have the children more often. Even though the role of a father is entirely different to the role of a mother in the newborn stage and I’m assuming this woman’s husband had not left her on her own so it’s not comparable.

I didn’t suggest one was more in need of support than the other. One has support. The other doesn’t.

Because she married him. They are a team. If your partner can't cope with all they have to do, don't you offer help?

The baby also has family members who can give her/his mum help. Not rely on mums ex and his new partner who have nothing to do with the baby. It’s not about spite otherwise they would’ve have said no from the beginning! But boundaries need to be set unless the OP is happy to carry on as they are which she clearly isn’t. She shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that.
If there is no one to help the mum, then she should contact early help or somewhere to support her with whatever she is struggling with right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if actually she isn’t struggling and it’s just far easier asking the OP and her DH to do all the running around for her

I find it quite the optimum temperature, but to each their own.

No, you don’t ’take on’ stepchildren as any type of responsibility if you do not wish to. Certainly not a responsibility that is greater than that of the actual parents.

The DH isn’t being expected to ‘step up’ - OP is, and that’s the issue. That this woman chose to have another baby and is now struggling is not a problem OP is in any way required to solve. She could always try hitting up the actual father.