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AIBU?

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Original poster

Exes new baby isn't our problem?

545 replies

purplejeansandbiscoff · 02/02/2025 18:34

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 04/02/2025 17:03

So she treats your husband, her ex like staff and by association you similarly, like you're her 2nd lackey.

She can sod off and grow up, she has been getting help for 2 months already, time she got on with her half of the responsibilities, enough now.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/02/2025 16:10

For example if she says baby has a cold, can you pick DSC up tomorrow and take them to school because I'm shattered to DH and he says sorry he can't tomorrow as he's in work early, she'll just reply saying "well can purplejeans not help?" To me that isn't a respectful or even appreciative ask. She's always been like this, she doesn't see these things as a favour to her. Which imo they are when it's supposed to be her day. She's always been entitled like this

I would and tell him to tell her an absolute no from you as soon as she asked. If you have the children 50/50, does that mean you don't pay maintenance?

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/02/2025 16:02

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/02/2025 15:44

Do you know why he broke up or left?! Things much be pretty bad and raw with him to break up with a 2mo

Why would OP know? They aren't friends and it isn't any of her business or something she would want to be involved with.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/02/2025 15:44

Do you know why he broke up or left?! Things much be pretty bad and raw with him to break up with a 2mo

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/02/2025 15:43

Poor woman id be trying to help as much as I can, but it's not your job you're right it's the children's fathers

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2025 15:38

@purplejeansandbiscoff

You've made the right decision. Not just for yourself but for the exW, too. At some point she's going to have to become self-sufficient as a single parent, so she may as well start now.

If your DH wants to do 'extras' it should be discussed and agreed upon by both of you. For example, I wouldn't have a problem with taking on a small-ish task he normally does in the morning to enable him to leave earlier for the school run, but damned if I'd do the run myself. And he shouldn't take it upon himself to buy things out of joint funds for her baby without your agreement. If he wants to do so out of his own 'fun money' fine. But not out of family funds.

Good luck. I have a feeling there is going to be 'blow back', but just grit your teeth and stand fast.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 04/02/2025 15:14

@Floralnomad Next someone will be suggesting that they have the unrelated baby in their 50% contact time so she gets a complete break !

I'm almost tempted to start a sweepstake for what time that post might appear 😂.

As I said last night I'm still waiting for @purplejeansandbiscoff to be told "well you knew the baby would be coming last year, why on earth didn't you make plans to revolve your life around them sooner" 🙄.

JessiesJ99 · 04/02/2025 14:51

purplejeansandbiscoff · 04/02/2025 10:48

I absolutely will not be ordering her shopping for her 😂

Some of these people are wild!! 😂😂😂

Floralnomad · 04/02/2025 14:50

aspidernamedfluffy · 04/02/2025 12:45

I'm waiting for the "can't she stay with you for a while so she has help at night" replies. The way some PP's have commented it wouldn't surprise me if that was suggested.

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Exactly , it’s ridiculous someone last night even suggested ordering her a load of baby supplies and giving her a supermarket gift card . Next someone will be suggesting that they have the unrelated baby in their 50% contact time so she gets a complete break !

JessiesJ99 · 04/02/2025 14:46

Snowy7 · 04/02/2025 02:11

DH works early mornings so I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

they are your DH's children. Maybe their dad should do one school runs then? Oh wait, is he working because you don't?

Of cause the DC have something to do with you. They are DC's children, they are your step kids.

I would have gone DC more whilst the mum gets to grip with the baby. They are probably affected and they should be your (or at least DH's) priority.

He goes into work later on the days they have the kids, so he can do the school run. She's referring to the days they should be with their mother.
And they both work.

aspidernamedfluffy · 04/02/2025 12:45

WeightLoss2025 · 04/02/2025 12:09

I'm honestly blown away by this thread OP, I'm so glad your seeing through the bullshit responses here.

Some PPs have stopped just short of suggesting you go round and be her night nurse so the poor loveen can get her bloody arse out of bed to drop her kids to school. The mind just boggles...

Show quote history

I'm waiting for the "can't she stay with you for a while so she has help at night" replies. The way some PP's have commented it wouldn't surprise me if that was suggested.

Nationsss · 04/02/2025 12:34

Honestly OP both your husband and his ex have a right mug made out of you.
Neither have an ounce of respect for you.

HE should have shut her doen immediately.
They both think you are the help.

He has sent her a clear message that you are his employee.

Get some self respect and tell him don't ask me again about helping her.

Honestly OP, find some steel.

WeightLoss2025 · 04/02/2025 12:09

purplejeansandbiscoff · 04/02/2025 10:48

I absolutely will not be ordering her shopping for her 😂

I'm honestly blown away by this thread OP, I'm so glad your seeing through the bullshit responses here.

Some PPs have stopped just short of suggesting you go round and be her night nurse so the poor loveen can get her bloody arse out of bed to drop her kids to school. The mind just boggles...

Tessabelle74 · 04/02/2025 11:59

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 02/02/2025 18:45

This woman is alone. OP and her DH had each other.

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She has chosen to be alone

strawberrysea · 04/02/2025 11:49

Not your kids, not your problem.

ButterCrackers · 04/02/2025 11:27

BlitheSpirits · 04/02/2025 11:11

Obviously your dh has a responsibility that his children go to school,so if she wont take them for whatever reason , he needs to facilitate that. It might be nice if he could aslo help to get them to their clubs if necessary.
Doing things for the baby- absolutely not!

If she can’t get the kids to school when it’s her turn to have them then the OP’s dh needs to go to court to get the kids removed from her care for good. If she can’t cope then the kids welfare must come first. It’s neglect if she can’t be bothered and looking after a baby is no excuse. She could pay a childcarer or pay another parent at school to take her kids to school (no cf putting it on others ). Is she ignoring the kids needs when they stay with her. Social services could also be alerted if this is the case.

WoolySnail · 04/02/2025 11:24

ko74 · 03/02/2025 19:24

I was this ex.

I was struggling hugely with the new baby, and the breakdown of a relationship (both things very difficult in themselves let alone combined). As well as caring for my other children. I was in grief and my whole life had turned upside down.

I'm forever grateful that my other ex (my elder children's father) and his partner helped me out.

So you treated them badly and made life difficult for them before asking for support, like in this case? Or you had a good co- parenting situation in the first place? Very different situations I suspect.

BlitheSpirits · 04/02/2025 11:11

Obviously your dh has a responsibility that his children go to school,so if she wont take them for whatever reason , he needs to facilitate that. It might be nice if he could aslo help to get them to their clubs if necessary.
Doing things for the baby- absolutely not!

winfongdown · 04/02/2025 11:03

@purplejeansandbiscoff I can't believe all these replies saying you should help out 😂 . She made the decision to have a baby. Can't get enough sleep? That comes with the territory 😂

Original poster
purplejeansandbiscoff · 04/02/2025 10:48

I absolutely will not be ordering her shopping for her 😂

OP posts:
OneHardyMintZebra · 04/02/2025 10:46

Swiftie1878 · 04/02/2025 07:53

Most of her ‘asks’ are to do with your step kids (your DH’s children). They are a part of your family now too, so of course you should be stepping up if their mother is unable to care for them properly at the moment. After all, in theory, you could both have full custody and this wouldn’t even be a question.

Your suggestion that she should be asking her ex partner to help out with YOUR step kids is bizarre to me.
Although the requests to pick up nappies etc should certainly be directed at him and not you!

The suggestion is that she asks her ex partner to help out with THEIR baby if she is too tired to do the school runs. That is not bizarre. You don’t have another baby and think oh the father of my older children will have to help me because I decided to have another baby and their father is doing fuck all!
That is not his problem. Or his new wife’s!
If she can’t manage the children she has then that’s another story and she needs services involved. But I suspect she is asking just because it makes her life easier. But in turn it is making the OP’s life a whole lot harder!! The SC living with the OP and her husband would actually probably make life easier but the ex isn’t asking that. So if she can manage their day to day care, I’m sure she can find a way to get them to school for half the week and walk to the shop to get some nappies! I had two babies on my own with a primary school aged child all during the week. So the ex has my sympathies as it’s hard work having a baby by yourself. But I managed. Just like a lot of mums still with a partner have to manage whilst said partner goes to work! It’s life.
And again you’re forgetting the other people who should be helping! Let the grandparents chip in with some school runs then and be late for work instead. The OP works part time. She shouldn’t be struggling to get to work on time the days she is in due to an unrelated child. And with a toddler in tow!

aspidernamedfluffy · 04/02/2025 10:41

I’d probably order her some nappies, wipes, Calpol or whatever so she should be well stocked and a supermarket gift card

Nope. Neither the OP or the Op's DH are responsible for supplying anything for the baby....that's the father's job. It's not for them to manage the other parent's failure to provide for HIS child.

Original poster
purplejeansandbiscoff · 04/02/2025 10:38

Sorry every time I've come on there have been loads of replies and I've not had chance yet to properly go through them all.

To answer some questions, no she never asks me directly and I don't even feel like she asks politely 99% of the time. For example if she says baby has a cold, can you pick DSC up tomorrow and take them to school because I'm shattered to DH and he says sorry he can't tomorrow as he's in work early, she'll just reply saying "well can purplejeans not help?" To me that isn't a respectful or even appreciative ask. She's always been like this, she doesn't see these things as a favour to her. Which imo they are when it's supposed to be her day. She's always been entitled like this.

DH went back to work pretty soon after I gave birth, I'd never have dreamt of asking her to pick me up nappies on the way to drop DSC off and she'd probably have thought me insane if I did.

When I say her ex partner should be helping I don't mean in the sense of taking DSC to school, I mean that he should be helping with the baby more so she isn't as tired so that she can take her own children to school, like plenty of new mums have to do up and down the country!

Anyway, I've decided enough is enough now. If I'm genuinely not going out of my way I'll do something, but I'm not doing anymore grocery stops or hobby pick ups on her nights that eat into my own evenings with my toddler. And I'm certainly done with rushing to my job in the mornings for school runs.

OP posts:
JustWalkingTheDogs · 04/02/2025 10:18

If you didn't mind doing it and it wasn't out of your way I'm sure you'd not have posted in here. But it sounds like you do feel she's taking advantage, and by default your dh is too. It's one thing helping out with your step kids but asking you to help out by running around after her baby is another. I'd not be doing this for her, firstly it's not your responsibility, secondly you have your own dc to look after.

HarrietPierce · 04/02/2025 10:06

pineapplesundae · Today 04:12
"I would have to help her out for a few more months, at least until the baby is sleeping through the night. Have a heart."

Which could be when he's two if it was anything like mine. Crazy comment.