Exes new baby isn't our problem?

Yes it should be him.

Cue all the 'it would be a nice thing to do' messages flying around. On threads like these they've become inevitable, not to mention predictable.

Some women are excellent at volunteering other women's time and energies in situations which don't affect them one iota. Whether they would be this eager to volunteer their own is less certain.

At least to the extent it is for the benefit of his children, I would say he should do it. Those children are his children 100% of the time, not just the 50% they are officially with you. I wouldn't be running round doing her shopping but school, clubs etc, yes I think he should do it as otherwise it's his children that suffer.

In which case, you are absolutely right to say that it’s making you late for your own job and you can’t do it. It’s quite normal to be tired and fed up when you’ve got a sick small child but she’s off in between drop offs.

Thing is she is something to do with you.

Your children and her children are siblings. That's what happens when you marry someone with children.

You can be an arsehole if you want of course, but it would make her life a little easier, your step kids life a little easier, and she might remember the kindness.

There's also the risk that if she really isn't coping and ends up in real trouble you'll end up with your step kids a heck of a lot more.

I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

would it help you to reframe it that you’re not doing it for her, but for the DSC who very much do have something to do with you. I guess it must be galling but it won’t be forever (hopefully).

And yes, where is the baby’s father in all this?

But it's not HIM doing the work is it.

Interesting reading the conflicting replies. While it's nice to show empathy, it also sounds like she's being taken for granted at this point. The child has a father and grandparents nearby. How many of us went through sleepless nights without so much help? I know that doesn't mean she deserves to struggle, but if it makes OP's life harder, who is helping her out?

If your husband wants to pick his children up and take them to school. Nip to the shops and buy nappies etc then that’s absolutely his prerogative. However I would not be doing any extras for an ex that isn’t mine and children that also aren’t mine

I assumed it would be something like that. So basically she should be asking him if he can pick up some slack with his own kids more and if he can, he should - it shouldn't be your responsibility. Similarly, the baby's dad should be helping with baby!

How tired is she? Is she asking you to take DSC to school because she's sufficiently tired that she doesn't feel safe driving in the morning? If so, I'd suck it up. With DC1, I was so tired that I started having hallucinations that I'd dropped them out of a window and would start crying really believing this (I've posted about this before). There was no way I would have been safe behind a wheel.

Can she get the kids to school without driving?

This new baby is absolutely not your problem and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It is completely your call. If it were me (and I had capacity!) then I would help as it is your child's sibling and on a human level it sounds like a tough situation. But you need to put the needs of yourself first and if it is too much then don't help.

This

It may not be your problem now but it will absolutely become a problem should she become unable to cope. Surely your DH wants to act in the best interests of his children? That means trying to ensure their other parent is capable of looking after them safely.

I think its been VERY kind of you to run errands and so on for her but me personally I wouldn't of done it. I had a 2 year old then a newborn I did everything for myself husband or no husband as im 'miss independent' Also this could potentially cause your step child to feel a little jealous or resentful of new sibling because it sounds like hes constantly being 'palmed' off your direction by mum because shes 'tired' My only other thought is, is there another issue at hand here for example is she depressed /PND, has she developed a phobia of going out and hasn't voiced it these kinds of things. You sound like a lovely kind caring step mum the family are lucky to have you 🙂 x

The thing is it should be 50/50 and the school runs should be shared between parents

it partly becomes your responsibility becuase of your DH not her

the rest though is too much

Shouldn't she be asking for favours from the actual parents of these children, not expecting it from you?

Good grief, say no. The cheek of it! From your post it sounds like the child isn't even your partner's?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. But, I'd cut her some slack. She's navigating a newborn on her own after going through a breakup. I think asking you to pick up nappies and groceries is a bit cheeky, but helping out a bit more with DSC in the short term (like you already have been) might go along way to building bridges in the future.

If the DSC are late primary age you've still got another 8-9 years of having contact with this woman. Not to mention joint events like graduations, weddings, christenings etc when the DSC are adults.

I've been where you are, and at the time it really pissed me off. But, I grinned and bared it whilst venting to my mum. It did really help with relations with the ex in the future. She appreciated that we'd gone the extra mile and was a lot more amenable when we needed. DSD is an adult now, so our contact is minimal but we're pleasant and friendly at joint events.

You're all a big blended family now and will be in each others lives probably forever. So just do what you can, it's a new baby and that is really hard.
How you play things now, in a time of need, will come back to you for better or worse so put your compassionate hat on and suck it up a bit.

If you were struggling would you expect your DH to step up and do more for your joint child? If so why shouldn't he do the same for his other child when their mother is struggling?
I don't think it's your responsibility to take on but it is definitely your DHs.

I personally think it's a bit cheeky that she is expecting you to help out. If it was your DH able to help with his child then maybe it would seem a bit more reasonable, but considering the arrangement is already 50:50 she should be considering alternatives. You say she can't ask her parents as they work, but assuming you also work too, why is it you that has to be impacted and not them? She made a choice to have another child and it's sad that he didn't stick around but that really isn't your problem. I get the feeling the more you do the more she will want.

As others have said how much of an issue is it to take DSC to school? If it's on route then maybe say you can do an extra day but you cannot do any more, especially if you already do so many days anyway. If it's out your way you need to say no, unless DH can change his morning then it's not convenient.

Yanbu. Having a baby doesn’t mean she no longer has responsibilities to her existing children, which includes getting them to school when it’s her 50% of the time. Doing shopping for her as well -she’s taking the piss a bit. Her baby has two parents and if she is struggling, babies dad should be stepping up to give her a break. And should certainly be the one going for nappies etc.

OP, what's standing out for me here is that the ex is asking you and your DH to have the DSC a lot more, when you're already 50/50... I know it's not what you asked, but do you think they might feel pushed out by this?

Don't get me wrong, if that's happening it's not your responsibility to resolve it, it's your DH's and his ex's. It just jumped out at me because I remember the same thing happening to my DSD when her mum had a new baby, all of a sudden she wanted us to have DSD more and more, and while it was lovely having her, I think DSD felt pushed out and placed second to the baby. Her behaviour and emotional expression changed markedly and it was actually quite upsetting to witness. Again, I know it's not what you came on here to ask, but if I was your DH I'd be concerned about that and keeping an eye on how his DC seem to be feeling about everything.