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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sibling ringing out of the blue

38 replies

bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:07

i am no contact with some of my siblings. and low contact with one. last i heard from the low contact one was christmas eve when she sent some mundane message on whats app. I replied politely and asked how everyone was with no response?

today out of the blue she sends a message saying; are you at work? my reply was; no, whats up? (i know she only contacts me when she needs or wants something thats why i have gone low contact).

so the she rings me, which she never does to inform me that my sibling who i have not seen, heard or spoken too in over 15 years has been in hospital since before christmas, and that she's been put on pallative care! she's sobbing down the phone to me that she may have hours, days, weeks or months to live.

she says it would be nice if i went to my sisters bedside to say my goodbyes? AIBU by at the moment having no emotional feelings about this news? this person chose to dump me out of their lives 15 years ago? they themselves have not asked for me, but its assumed i will do my 'duty' and go sit at her bedside?

OP posts:
Ella31 · 02/02/2025 16:47

ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 16:28

If someone contacted me to say NC brother was dying, I'd be cracking open the champagne - I certainly wouldn't be visiting or listening to low contact relative's grief.

People are odd though - there was a post a few weeks ago from someone that had gone NC with her family, her decision, but saying they were unreasonable not to have contacted her when someone died or a funeral invite or something.

I think you need to appreciate though that not everyone who has gone nc or lc feelings are as black and white as yours. People can still feel conflicted about their choice and that's not fair for you to label them as weird. Someone people might find your reaction to if your brother died as odd.

TishHope · 02/02/2025 16:46

I occasionally wonder if my NC brother will contact me years hence when he is dying and realising he was a cunt to me. But I don't think it's going to happen. I like to think that I wouldn't feel any pity for him, the little git.

Bodeganights · 02/02/2025 16:42

My birth father died last year, I was invited to his funeral but like many, I already mourned 30 years ago for the parent I needed. He was never that parent and I had no reason to go. So I didn't and I don't regret that.

If you think itll be better to see your sister, go, if you dont and wont care, dont go.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 16:37

I guess nice for the LC sister?
some people have an obsession with playing happy families, with little or no regard for the feelings of others, or consideration that their idealised deathbed fantasy reunion is not going to happen.

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:33

ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 16:28

If someone contacted me to say NC brother was dying, I'd be cracking open the champagne - I certainly wouldn't be visiting or listening to low contact relative's grief.

People are odd though - there was a post a few weeks ago from someone that had gone NC with her family, her decision, but saying they were unreasonable not to have contacted her when someone died or a funeral invite or something.

i did appreciate being told, and i did tell my sister to keep me informed. when she asked me to go to the hospital because it would be nice, to see my sister i did ask her if the husband had asked for me to be there? if he asks me to go, then i would consider it, but i am not going just because it would be nice? nice for who?

OP posts:
FoxtonFoxton · 02/02/2025 16:29

Kahless · 02/02/2025 16:21

I was estranged from my father, and if I had known he was dying before he died, I would not have gone to see him.

I had already grieved the parent I should have had, and he wasn't him.

My DH felt exactly the same when his father died. They had been NC for years after a very nasty split and when his dad requested DH come and see him in hospice, DH refused. He had grieved the father he had long before and had nothing else to say.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 16:28

If someone contacted me to say NC brother was dying, I'd be cracking open the champagne - I certainly wouldn't be visiting or listening to low contact relative's grief.

People are odd though - there was a post a few weeks ago from someone that had gone NC with her family, her decision, but saying they were unreasonable not to have contacted her when someone died or a funeral invite or something.

heldinadream · 02/02/2025 16:25

You don't have to go. I'm estranged from all of my family, 2 of my sisters have now died without me seeing them beforehand. I have no regrets. There would have been nothing in it for either them, other family, or me.
Do what's congruent with your feelings about what's right given whatever the nuances of your family relationships are.
Best wishes @bemusedsibling Flowers

Kahless · 02/02/2025 16:21

I was estranged from my father, and if I had known he was dying before he died, I would not have gone to see him.

I had already grieved the parent I should have had, and he wasn't him.

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:18

MrsJHernandez · 02/02/2025 16:12

If you don't want to go, then don't. Especially if you have no feelings about the news.

If you later decide you'd like to go, then you can.

Can you live with never making up with your sister or saying goodbye?

i couldn't make up with her even if i wanted too, i've known for years about her health (details passed on by lc sibling) and she has been unable to communicate for many years and has altziemers/dementia so wouldn't know me anyway?

i cried my tears 15 years ago over the relationship. she will have zero clue if i sat by her bedside.

OP posts:
romdowa · 02/02/2025 16:14

Yadnbu op, my estranged mother died last week and while I was initially shocked that it was so sudden. I felt very little but anger at how my family treated me over the course of the week. I chose not to go to the removal/ funeral because I'd done my grieving years before.
You are not required to do anything that you don't want to do.

MrsJHernandez · 02/02/2025 16:12

If you don't want to go, then don't. Especially if you have no feelings about the news.

If you later decide you'd like to go, then you can.

Can you live with never making up with your sister or saying goodbye?

Jc2001 · 02/02/2025 16:12

Difficult one. I suppose it's easier to regret seeing them then regretting not seeing them.

For me it would depend on where they are and how much effort it would be to go and see them.