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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sibling ringing out of the blue

38 replies

bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:07

i am no contact with some of my siblings. and low contact with one. last i heard from the low contact one was christmas eve when she sent some mundane message on whats app. I replied politely and asked how everyone was with no response?

today out of the blue she sends a message saying; are you at work? my reply was; no, whats up? (i know she only contacts me when she needs or wants something thats why i have gone low contact).

so the she rings me, which she never does to inform me that my sibling who i have not seen, heard or spoken too in over 15 years has been in hospital since before christmas, and that she's been put on pallative care! she's sobbing down the phone to me that she may have hours, days, weeks or months to live.

she says it would be nice if i went to my sisters bedside to say my goodbyes? AIBU by at the moment having no emotional feelings about this news? this person chose to dump me out of their lives 15 years ago? they themselves have not asked for me, but its assumed i will do my 'duty' and go sit at her bedside?

OP posts:
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DreamTheMoors · 03/02/2025 19:14

Your feelings are what they should be. I’m sorry for the loss of your sister so very long ago. ❤️

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 03/02/2025 14:38

My sister passed away this morning, i did not go see her, i am at peace with it. at the moment i feel very little, i feel something, but i am not sure what the emotion is i am feeling.

I am happy for my sister that she is finally at peace and out of pain.

OP posts:
SALaw · 03/02/2025 07:19

No one can tell you if you're being unreasonable or not. I've known people have a deathbed reconciliation and it made them feel better and others not have it and they were happy with that decision. Others haven't and regretted it. Every circumstance is different so no one can tell you what is best for your family.

eightIsNewNine · 03/02/2025 00:45

Sounds like a quite ok situation.

The LC sibling gave you the information (and shared her preference for you to go and visit), now you have a choice.

I'm not sure about half-arsed contacting the BIL. It isn't wrong as such and it can be practical, just the idea that you kind of expect him to ask you to visit sounds weird, just decide for yourself and either go or don't go.

I would choose based on logistics - if it wasn't too far away, I would go there, bring something small and use it as a step on the way to closure for everyone. If it was too far away or the scars would be too deep, I wouldn't.

Fraaances · 03/02/2025 00:34

I can imagine that her DH has only been given her side of the story, so probably has a dim view of you anyway. I can’t imagine you’d be very welcome. (Whether or not the story is true, it will be seen as too little, too late and you will be scapegoated regardless of what you choose to do.)

DreamTheMoors · 03/02/2025 00:30

bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:18

i couldn't make up with her even if i wanted too, i've known for years about her health (details passed on by lc sibling) and she has been unable to communicate for many years and has altziemers/dementia so wouldn't know me anyway?

i cried my tears 15 years ago over the relationship. she will have zero clue if i sat by her bedside.

Show quote history

The only person you have to make peace with is yourself. ❤️

healthybychristmas · 02/02/2025 23:57

Is it that your low-contact sister wants you to go and visit your other sister but with her being present as well so that she can witness the drama?

Endofyear · 02/02/2025 19:51

Only you can decide if you can live with the decision if you don't go. If you feel it wouldn't be right for you to go then don't go.

BruFord · 02/02/2025 19:00

im going to send a note to my BIL, offer kind words and pass on my mobile number and if he wants to get in touch he can.

That sounds like a good idea, OP.

Creamcak · 02/02/2025 18:56

Sorry for presuming. I imagine you know best what to do.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 02/02/2025 18:55

I felt nothing when my dad died, although I did grieve what I should have had in a parent and his death brought up those emotions.

But actually about him? No sadness at all.

You aren't heartless and I wouldn't go to the hospital. You went NC for a reason and I think protecting yourself even if just from wider family is important.

Devilgate · 02/02/2025 18:52

YANBU OP. Only you really know the issues involved here and how you feel. Your sibling who’s encouraging contact won’t necessarily know the full picture

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 18:51

Creamcak · 02/02/2025 18:36

I imagine you might be in shock. take care

thank you, i am not in shock. my lc sibling kept me upto date on nc siblings health, she enjoyed letting me know she had a relationship with poorly sibling and i didn't. nc sibling has been very unwell for some time now and been in and out of hospital several times over the last year, so it was kind of expected..

OP posts:
Creamcak · 02/02/2025 18:36

I imagine you might be in shock. take care

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 18:34

im pretty much damned if i do, damned if i don't! my DH has just made a very good point; my family will talk about me if i do go, they will talk about me if i don't!

im going to send a note to my BIL, offer kind words and pass on my mobile number and if he wants to get in touch he can as i doubt either him or my sister would have it after all this time. I'm not going to go through the lc sibling passing messages back and forth and we shall take each step of this journey one step at a time.

OP posts:
Twiggywinkle13 · 02/02/2025 18:31

It would be nice for who? I certainly don’t think it would be nice for you. Don’t be pressurised to go.

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 18:26

TanginaBarrons · 02/02/2025 17:08

I can see why you don't want to go and that is fine. Does her dementia have something to do with the relationship breakdown? If so I guess it puts a slightly different slant on it as we know it can cause personality changes. 15 years would be within the ballpark for those changes.

no, the relationship breakdown happened when she was perfectly fit and well. There is obviously a massive back story to our family which i won't be sharing, but i ended up having to go nc to protect myself and my own family.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 02/02/2025 18:25

Your sister dumped you. If it had been the other way round and you'd done the dumping then maybe it would be time to do a bit of soul searching. But it wasn't.
Presumably she hasn't had dementia for all of those 15 years but she never tried to build bridges when she could.

So no I don't think you have to go at all. She wouldn't know you but I would think the same if she did. It can't harm your relationships with your family, they already are what they are.

Likewhatever · 02/02/2025 18:02

If your sibling won’t know you then there’s no point in your being there.

Wonderi · 02/02/2025 18:00

I think it was nice of her to tell you.

She obviously can’t fathom why anyone would not want to see their sibling in the hospital which is why she needed to tell you (for her own benefit, just as much if not more than yours).

But it’s ok to not go and visit someone if you don’t want to.

I know people who refuse to visit loved ones that they are close to, let alone ones they’re not.

If you don’t want to go, then that’s absolutely your choice and you shouldn’t feel guilty.

AliceMcK · 02/02/2025 17:28

I wouldn’t go to my NC siblings bedside just to make LC sibling happy, I doubt my LC sibling would ask, but I’d say no. NC sibling has made their feelings perfectly clear over the years.

Dont let any one guilt you into anything. I’ve had lots of “ but what if something happened to them” comments about NC sibling and parent, my response is well something will happen eventually to us all, I have nothing I need closure on so I’m ok with not ever seeing them again.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/02/2025 17:22

It is obviously going to make no difference to your sister if you go to see her. If it will improve your relationship with other family that might be a reason to go but you don't have to just to make your LC sister feel better that she's tried to enable a 'reunion'. You have thanked her for keeping you updated.

TanginaBarrons · 02/02/2025 17:08

I can see why you don't want to go and that is fine. Does her dementia have something to do with the relationship breakdown? If so I guess it puts a slightly different slant on it as we know it can cause personality changes. 15 years would be within the ballpark for those changes.

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 02/02/2025 16:58

I would follow your heart. Sounds like the sibling who phoned (another one you've barely been in contact with) needs to vent.
You haven't seen the ill sibling for years and so you're totally out of context with the situation. You haven't been around to see the build-up to their illness and everything else that's been going on in their life. So if you show up to their bedside now, I think it will be a very strange and surreal experience for you. You cut this sibling out of your life for a reason. Probably best to keep going with this. Don't let the other sibling guilt-trip or influence you. You didn't choose your family.

BreezySqueazy · 02/02/2025 16:50

bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:18

i couldn't make up with her even if i wanted too, i've known for years about her health (details passed on by lc sibling) and she has been unable to communicate for many years and has altziemers/dementia so wouldn't know me anyway?

i cried my tears 15 years ago over the relationship. she will have zero clue if i sat by her bedside.

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Under these circumstances I wouldn’t go.
There is nothing to be gained for either of you, and for you it could end up opening old wounds.

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