Sorry this is so long but want to avoid a drip feed! For context DH works in NHS health strategy & policy specifically food at present, so he is very interested in reducing UPFs and so am I. We’ve got 2 DC, eldest pre school age youngest not really eating much yet. I make A LOT of our food (for example this week I’ve batch cooked my own stock/bone broth, sausage rolls, pasta sauce as well as breakfast/lunch - pack up for nursery & adults/tea bar one takeaway tea which is pretty average for us). We are far from perfect, and are both a bit overweight as are our families. I try not to demonise food with everything in moderation, as I am acutely aware of how common disordered eating is amongst women. We prefer our kids to eat socially at a table with the family, with sweet stuff offered with or after the main meal (if at all, and mainly fruit). My mum has poor body image but always sheltered us kids from this and tried to instill body positivity in my siblings and I. She also makes most of her own meals and offers in pretty much the same way, with occasional irritating habits around offering chocolate younger than we wanted, but DH and I try to let it go and not to nag as 1. they’re grandparents, it’s kind of the point to spoil GC and 2. we are grateful that both sets of grandparents look after our DC while we are at work. My dad was horrible to my siblings and I when eating, always snapping to sit up straight/ finish our food/ keep mouths closed when chewing and dieted on and off through our childhood with no real results except for a terrible mood, but has made peace and stopped doing this around 15 years ago as we grew up.
My ILs have huge issues around food and have the entire time I’ve known them, my MIL lost most of her teeth through crash dieting and refused to eat in public at all for six months last year including over Christmas which was very distressing to witness, but she doesn’t comment on other people’s food. Their other adult child is very obese with a diagnosed eating disorder. My FIL does however pass judgement on mainly my/ my children’s eating frequently after drinking at parties (they have lots of relatives so we’re often at catered events with standard party/ buffet food and take an 80:20 approach with parties being a 20% exception to our normal eating habits) which is causing me a lot of strain. Consistent snipes about my eldest eating ketchup (FIL doesn’t use sauces), cake, chicken nuggets, then the latest has been turning from my child to focusing on my plate of food. He said something along the lines of “so you’re not ok with DC eating off the sweet trolley, yet you’ll sit there and trough a massive plate of UPFs?”. My DC had fetched a bar of fudge which my husband had already taken off her WITHOUT MY INPUT because it’s too sticky so he was worried about choking and he didn’t want them to be sick with all the sugar. It really upset me but I didn’t manage to respond pithily, so bumbled an answer along the lines of not appreciating comments like that as he’ll give DC a complex, I’ve no fillings so must be doing something reasonably right and perhaps FIL should complain to his family seeing as they have organised the caterers.
How do I deal with this or respond better? I’m really feeling the pressure of sheltering/ defending my children whilst also raising them to love themselves whatever they look like, but to make healthy choices where they can. The world is cruel enough to women and girls, I don’t want them to face judgement from their own family too.
YABU - don’t read so much into it/ let it go with FIL
YANBU - defend yourself and your children