To give up working

Does your DH genuinely love his job or is it more that he is planning your future and knows the high income might mean a better retirement?
I feel like maybe he is jealous of your idea to not work.

Life is too short to stay in a job you hate (this is coming from someone working a minimum wage job) but I do think you should find another job rather than give up completely.

it's all very well quitting but you need to think about what else you might like to do instead - skills, talents, interests - what could you develop on for a new job (self employed?)

I’m not sure I think that’s fair. The op is free to find another job, in sickness and health doesn’t mean he has to pay for her, any more than she does him if he decided he didn’t like his job, both people count in a marriage, it’s how you make them work,

Marriage is in sickness and in health. It’s very off putting that he can’t see this. I was in exactly your position OP as a well paid solicitor with children 20 years ago. The stress became so great - and all the stress-related sleeploss. Hating your job dominates everything once it starts to make you ill, especially with young children too - just trying to put one foot in front of the other. But I couldn’t bear the thought of a long period of sickness absence so I dealt with this by doing a one year full time master’s with DH support, as a rest, without looking to the rest of the world as if I was ‘giving up’. Then at the end, I pivoted into full time work that is far less well paid (20x less well paid than my now retired uni contemporaries) but what can I say, I’m still here. It is appalling that he doesn’t support you. I just wanted to walk away from my job so much. But Sometimes you just need support to be able to step back so you can make a different plan that enables you both to keep going together. It’s what marriage is meant to be about.

I think if you both start out as high earners then bills may be higher – you’d sign up to a larger mortgage on a bigger house (so more council tax and energy costs), fancier cars, possibly private school fees, get used to certain level of holiday, etc. A change of job and salary on the part of one person would merit discussion on which bills are necessary and what lifestyle changes can be made. Obviously in this case there’s no mortgage and OP says DH’s salary will cover bills, so I’m talking more generally.

But I’m still on OP’s side here via her bossy husband, because no one should have to stay in a job that’s detrimental to their mental health just because they once agreed to a certain level of lifestyle and future financial planning, and I don’t think a good partner would want that either. He’s prioritising his and their life in 10 years’ time over her happiness now, both in “forbidding” her to change jobs AND in failing to take on his share of running the household, to the extent she feels she has to change jobs.

By the sounds of it, he has this great financial plan, not the OP.

Given the strength of their financial position already, it's concerning that he wants to prioritise future investments over his wife's mental health. And he clearly sees no issue with OP doing all the childcare and housework.

There is more to life than amassing money.

They obviously have a financial plan for their future which wouldn’t be achievable without two bumper salaries.

Because they would likely expect the other to fund extra fun money etc too.

What just refuse to work and demand hee husband pays for her? Aye that works, doesn’t cause resentment at all.

Why would it matter if they went part time or lower paid as long as their half of bills was covered?

😂🙄😂🙄

Do it. Life is too short to work if you don’t need to. I know 3 people who’ve died in their 50’s recently. Honestly, enjoy life while you can.

This!

We’re not talking about an equal relationship with 50/50 chores, 50/50 parenting and 50/50 finances, PLUS you have the security of a mortgage-free home and a whole spare house!

Be angrier about his lack of contribution to the other stuff, and his control: workaholism and investing for the future might be his passion, but you’re allowed to want to carve out something different. You can’t quit and be a SAHM and change your lifestyle dramatically without a partner’s agreement, but you can change jobs and salaries – so long as important bills are met and no one’s going to lose the house.

So fucking rude. Who the fuck do you think you are?

You can't just quit working if your husband isn't happy with becoming the sole financial provider. He can't dictate to you what job you do though.

Get a different job that makes you happier.

He doesn’t get to dictate this.

He can refuse to support you financially so you can quit altogether (though I’d be quite unimpressed with this given he likes his job and you do all the home stuff) but he can’t decide whether you keep your current job or take a different lower paid one.

It sounds as if he has lost sight of everything except work and money. Does he really understand how unhappy your job makes you?

I would get another job. As long as you’re earning and are comfortable.

Being this unhappy is no life is it?

Okay, but if I've got this clear, you are not just working in a full-time in a job you hate, but also bringing up sons and doing all the housework?

So you're doing 2 full-time jobs now and if you give up 1, you'll be doing 1 full time job, just like your husband.

Which leg is your husband standing on when he allows his wife to work 2 jobs, when he works 1, and doesn't want her to be happy or share life equally with him?

Which job do you want? Whatever you do, don't do more than your fair share. No wonder he doesn't want you to give up bringing a good income when you're doing all the household, child rearing work too. Got it made.

Does he not take the weight off your shoulders in other ways? do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, family admin, sort the cars out, garden? My DH works from home mostly now so it's him who tends to do all the cooking - it is SUCH a luxury to walk in from work to have the evening meal shopped for at least, and it's usually him who cooks it too.

you have a right to not work a job you loathe. There are other choices available.

DH entitled to his view. If you want to be with your kids and it’s not essential to suffer a shit role then I think the sabbatical idea upthread is a great idea.

I struggle working part time with one kid, I’m astonished and take my hat off to families that juggle two f/t jobs and multiple kiddos and getting quality time.

Well, you can't just announce to your husband that he'll be supporting you from now on, obviously. (I'd like to see the reactions on here if a man said this to a woman). Talk to him about what he'd accept in terms of you taking another job that pays less.

if you hate it I suggest getting another job. Never a good idea being dependent on somebody. Try a new role?

Surely the only two options are not "work in this job i hate" and "dont work at all". How about, work in a much lower stress job for yes, less money, but with more enjoyment and job satisfaction. You have financial security, you dont need to earn the big bucks any more, so find a job you actually enjoy.