Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

289 replies

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:23

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

OP posts:
swingandtrampoline · 02/02/2025 10:34

Plaided · 02/02/2025 09:30

Can’t you take the 2yr old? Sounds like a lovely trip if you can afford it, some alone time with the 2yr old and they can spend a little time with their older sister.

Yes take the two year old and leave your DH behind to take the 4 yo to school.

JLou08 · 02/02/2025 10:32

Yanbu to not go. YABU thinking your daughter is selfish. Her feelings are valid, she should be able to communicate them without worrying about how you will take it. Just as you are valid to communicate that you can't drop everything and go to the US when you have young children.

adviceneeded1990 · 02/02/2025 10:31

Your DD is being a bit unreasonable with her expectations here but if I’m doing the maths right she was the centre of your entire world for 17 years? Then two babies came along in quick succession in your 40s and now she feels pushed aside? Yes she’s being a bit bratty and not understanding that your priorities have to change but she’s probably feeling incredibly pushed aside. Have an honest chat about her feelings.

Funderthighs · 02/02/2025 10:29

I’d go and take the children with you. The 4 year old can miss school or your DH can sort out the school run. I know he’s a teacher but it’s his child too and it’s as much his responsibility as yours. I appreciate that you’re in a difficult situation but if I were you I’d go.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/02/2025 10:28

If money isn't an issue, could you speak to her dad and explain, would he pay for a temporary nanny for your children

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 10:28

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 10:24

@musicforthesoul i imagine it is a US based sport which follows the collegiate system so going professional happens after and you can be drafted - American footballers tend for example to go pro around 22 when finished college football

different from how football is here

Not quite, it's tennis, so some do go pro after working through the college system (some big names like Danielle Collins did for example), she will have to play up through the ITF events first though and while she has played some before, results have been very mixed and it's TBC on if she will make any real moves on the pro circuit.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/02/2025 10:28

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable. If you can't manage it then you can't - most ordinary people can't be jetting back and forth to the US.

But I also don't think she is unreasonable to be upset, and I wonder whether people saying that she is quite understand what a tricky point she is at. She has made it this far in her sport but now she is graduating and there is effectively a cull. She may have a lot to process before graduation and be worried about doing that without support.

sparkellie · 02/02/2025 10:27

I think it depends on the discussion when she moved. Did you tell her you would be at all these big occasions or that you would go when you could? What was her expectation when she made the decision to go?
I understand you're going for her graduation and you have 2 younger children, but it sounds like these may be the last 2 things she's going to want you to see for a while, so I would do everything I could to go to both, on the understanding you wouldn't be able to go back for x number of months.

BunnyLake · 02/02/2025 10:26

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:45

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Show quote history

How is it ridiculous when a lot of parents can’t even make it to their kid’s sports day locally?

OP is going to see her dd in June but dd also expects her to go over in May and is having a childish strop over it. That is what is ridiculous.

Zippedyzip · 02/02/2025 10:25

I think at her age she is expecting too much. You can't expect you parents to travel across the world multiple times a year. Explain to her that you are so proud and rooting for her, keep in communication on important days. But she should be making the leap towards adulthood now and not expecting so much.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 10:25

Timetochillnow · 02/02/2025 10:23

I agree especially if this is expected to be the last event.
when you travel alone you have the luxury of some time alone and separately with just your eldest and I feel you are reluctant to take the little ones as it will make the whole trip so much harder - but if it’s the last one I’d do it but your 21 yr old needs to understand that it’s the last time

what sport is it? How long is her participation in each event?

Show quote history

Tennis so anyones guess between 45 minutes and 3 hours, she plays doubles too, so sometimes this, twice in one day.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 02/02/2025 10:25

You are definitely not being unreasonable. She obviously chose to go to America for her sport. Well done to her it's a great opportunity but she has to realise you now have other commitments. Millions of people have 2nd and 3rd children so things have to change. You haven't replaced her just added to your family. Time for her to grow up.

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 10:24

@musicforthesoul i imagine it is a US based sport which follows the collegiate system so going professional happens after and you can be drafted - American footballers tend for example to go pro around 22 when finished college football

different from how football is here

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/02/2025 10:24

Four year old's below compulsory school age.

You could take both children with you?

user1492757084 · 02/02/2025 10:24

I think you should prioritise going to one sporting event per year.
Could you and the two year old go in May?

Timetochillnow · 02/02/2025 10:23

Maboscelar · 02/02/2025 10:14

I've read the whole thread and you've said money isn't an issue, and your eldest is 4 therefore not CSA so you can just take them out of school so I think YANBU

She wants you there and you could easily be there if you really wanted to be. This is her last big event before graduation and I think you should go and support her. It's important to her and you can make it work so why not?

Just take a tablet for the little ones and let them play games and watch stuff if they get bored.

This could affect your relationship with her going forward, why risk it?

The only barrier in the way is your attitude towards her.

I agree especially if this is expected to be the last event.
when you travel alone you have the luxury of some time alone and separately with just your eldest and I feel you are reluctant to take the little ones as it will make the whole trip so much harder - but if it’s the last one I’d do it but your 21 yr old needs to understand that it’s the last time

what sport is it? How long is her participation in each event?

NormaleKartoffeln · 02/02/2025 10:21

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 02/02/2025 09:30

She’s being daft and you’re absolutely not being unreasonable.

I do wonder if her massive overreaction is a sign that she’s generally a bit unhappy/homesick though.

This.

SoupDragon · 02/02/2025 10:20

I voted YABU not because I think you're unreasonable for not going but because your DD hasn't behaved selfishly. She's just told you how she feels. There doesn't seem to be "expectation" on her part, she is just upset that you can't make it or something that is important to her because of the younger siblings.

I'm not sure there is an easy fix though.

Phineyj · 02/02/2025 10:18

YANBU and she sounds very demanding!

I studied abroad in Canada for a year and my parents came once and my sister came once.

It's expensive and bad for the environment and I wouldn't want to supervise a 2 year old through this either.

Octopies · 02/02/2025 10:17

YANBU, it sounds like an impossible situation with her being so far away and you having young children. I assume her Dad lives over in the US and he's only attending 1 in 3 of her upcoming events, just like you are? I would arrange a nice surprise for her like flowers (or something she'd like better) for each of the sporting events you can't make.

Maboscelar · 02/02/2025 10:15

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 02/02/2025 10:10

I’m astonished at how many people think the OP should be moving mountains at enormous cost to get there.

She has said her ex will pay so it won't cost her.

Maboscelar · 02/02/2025 10:14

I've read the whole thread and you've said money isn't an issue, and your eldest is 4 therefore not CSA so you can just take them out of school so I think YANBU

She wants you there and you could easily be there if you really wanted to be. This is her last big event before graduation and I think you should go and support her. It's important to her and you can make it work so why not?

Just take a tablet for the little ones and let them play games and watch stuff if they get bored.

This could affect your relationship with her going forward, why risk it?

The only barrier in the way is your attitude towards her.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 10:14

Bunnycat101 · 02/02/2025 10:10

It is a massive ask that she’s expecting you to go the states twice within a month. Does she not realise the potential expense of that let alone the logistics with small children?

I studied abroad for a year. I came home to visit my parents but they didn’t come out to me. That seemed fairly typical of the time based on my peers. I think she is a little bit deluded re what most other families would be doing in the same circumstances. I bet she has friends from the US whose families couldn’t manage 2 flights and visits in a month.

The way her sport works at the college level is they play both a league and then championship tournaments.
The league takes them across the country so most of her friends who's parents can't come to a home match can go to one of the away ones.
The championships has 3 big (trophy) events, one in September, I didn't go to this, this one in February and one in May. The League runs through the spring so most of her friend will have their parents at a couple of the events between now and graduation, but they live in the US and I try to point out that there is a massive difference between transatlantic flights and going from LA to San Francisco for example!

OP posts:
GreenTeaLikesMe · 02/02/2025 10:13

I can't believe there are people who want the OP to drag her toddler over to the US on a plane to do this.

It is really, really expensive to spend time in the US because of the strength of the US economy and dollar. Hotel prices have gone up alarmingly - even Americans on American wages are complaining of sticker shock when they travel within the US. On UK wages, I don't even want to think about it. Plane tickets are very expensive and she will need to pay for a seat for the 2yo. 2yos are horrible on long flights and dragging through airports and dealing with jetlag. I know all this because I've done it with both my kids when they were toddlers.

The OP's eldest daughter is an adult. She has chosen to live overseas. I also went to live far away from the UK when I was 21 and accepted that visits would have to be occasional because of the cost and hassle of traveling. The fact that the OP has already been two to three times a year is already really, really over the top and well beyond what most young expats could possibly expect.

Mumof1andacat · 02/02/2025 10:13

4 years old is not compulsory school age, so if you did go, it would be unauthorised but you wouldn't get fined

Swipe left for the next trending thread