DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

You can’t make a 2 year old or 4 a year old to sit silently through a 3 hour tennis match. Just talk to her again in a day or two and explain that you love her and wish you could come but it just won’t work. Either that or pay for a nanny for a few days, if you really want to go.

This 💯. You have provided her with an exceptional level of support up till now to pursue her aspirations and now she's a young adult capable of living her own life and following her dreams by herself, she needs to give you a break.

If you do end up pulling out the stops to go out there, I'd be really clear it's a special thing you've done and manage future expectations to be more realistic. Things do change with or without more DC in the mix. She can't be top priority in her 20s.

I don’t think your daughter’s being selfish, she probably does feel left out. It’s all very well to say she’s an adult but at 21, she’s still young. She’s in a strange country and clearly feeling emotional so I think your partner should step up with the young kids so that you can go.

@gallic oh don't start with this ridiculous MN anti blended family bollocks.
What an ill informed comment

What the actual fuck? I think this really is the hobby horse some people are trying to flog to death. The OP's DD1 is an adult living in another continent crying because her mum isn't flying across the world twice in a month. And her dad isn't attending either BTW for reasons unknown but likely isn't feeling half the guilt about it or being berated by strangers on the internet enjoying an opportunity to have a dig.

Another blended family that doesn't work

I think there are possibly 2 things you can do.

Be very factual with your daughter. Tell her how important she is to you and that you are proud of her and that you would love to be there for her at all her events. Then present the facts of your situation to her and explain how hard it is to visit the US twice in a short space of time. Tell her you understand how difficult this is for her, and that you are upset too but the domestic arrangements at home have changed for you.

The second thing is to take some of the advice of PP above and see if there is any way you could arrange to be there for her last 2 important events. Are there any friends or relatives that could travel with you and support you with the two younger kids? Or anyone in the US who could help, your DD’s boyfriend’s family? Or hiring a nanny for a few days to help out?

I kind of see this from both your perspectives, I can see that for your DD this is an important time and she had envisioned you being there with her so was understandably upset when she realised you couldn’t. And for you, this must be so hard to balance the needs of children at very different stages of life.

There's no reason why a 4 year old can't miss a bit of school tbh. Don't even get fined until they're legally at school age at aged 5. I think YABU and you could go to this one

Careful OP, you’re starting to make it sound like you have an excuse for everything. People have suggested taking your toddler but you say no one to do the school run, just take both children and you say 4 year old won’t sit still. Get dad to look after his children and you say he can’t because he’s a teacher, ask someone else to look after them and you say there is no one.

It may just be the way you write, because you almost make your 16 year old sound spoilt and entitled.

Reality is, times have changed. You’ve helped make your daughter into this international athlete but can no longer be at her beck and call. You have two younger children to bring up now.

Either, say this is the last year you can run around for her (and take both children to see her in May) as well as her graduation the following month. Or accept you’re going to upset her and stick to just seeing her in June.

It being tennis makes a difference IMO - in a rowdy kind of game maybe you could be there with two toddlers, but tennis I think you do have to be quiet for certain times? It sounds like you've done a lot and what she's really struggling with is the transition. Perhaps commit to watching on the livestream and a video call before and after? She chose to go overseas for this and while I'm sure it was the right choice and a great opportunity, she has to realise you can't do it all.

It's a long way and very expensive. The journey would be very hard with two young children just for a few days. Whilst it would be lovely if you were there, that should be a bonus, not an expectation considering the distance and the fact that she is 21. If she is going to go professional then there will be lots of important events in the future and you will be having this conversation again some time soon. She does need to understand the realities of it all.

I thought it might be something like lacrosse

is this the last big competition then before she may have to quit?

YANBU. She's 21 and in the US. Most parents wouldn't be able to go over there repeatedly to watch her compete. As an athlete she surely needs to be a bit tougher and more focused on herself in the sport and not whether her mum's watching for the nth time. I get it, it's lovely that she values your support, but she's also on a different continent now and if she's wanting to turn pro, this will be her job. We don't have our mums watching us at work all day. It's gone way beyond going along to your kids' sporting even at this stage. It's a shame ofc, but it's in no way abandonment and I'd not even get into that level of drama. Hopefully she just over-reacted because she wasn't expecting it but will reflect and feel more resilient and mature about it and see you in the holidays rather than expect your calendar to be forever fixed around her sporting pursuits.

She needs a reality check. She wouldn’t be where she was without you. She’s being very bratty.
I was good at sport at school, but my mum refused to pick me up late after matches because she had her hair done on a Saturday. She never watched a single match and I could only play if someone else’s parent took me home. Your daughter is being ungrateful.

1 - she isn’t making you feel bad, you feel bad because you know you’re letting her down
2 - you encouraged and supported her with this sport all the way, she isn’t wrong to expect that support to continue
3 - you chose the life you have - both back when she was younger and now. You’re the author of your own destiny. It’s a bit rich feeling sorry for yourself now.
4 - surprise surprise, her new step dad doesn’t want to step up so you can go watch her. Tale as old as time!
5 - personally, I’d to all I could to attend. But it sounds to me like you’ve made your choice. You could go if you wanted to with a bit of effort. You’ve decided it’s too much like hard work.

She's being a brat.

I'm wondering how you're meant to finance all of this too, unless you're a high earner then two trips to America within a month is surely too much for most people to afford.

I think if there's any way of working it out so you can go then you should try, but if it really is impossible then she needs to try and understand that.

You're not being unreasonable, and if DD is going to be a professional athlete she'll need to 'toughen up' if there's going to be tears before bedtime every time you can't drop everything and travel halfway around the world.

If this competition is such a big one, how much notice did you have? Would more notice have made things easier for you, arrangements wise? Other family who could have helped with the kids?

I understand her position with regards to you focusing on the younger kids now, but surely she understands that even without children, a trip to the US isn't the same as hopping in the car for a couple of hours at the the weekend?

She's very lucky that you've done so much for her over the years, much more than many parents are able/willing to do. She'll understand that in time :-)

Sometimes we have to remind our your adults that they are adults now and we have lives of our own. I have to say no to my dd, it's not easy but there comes a point where this happens. Be kind but remind her you are coming for graduation

I think it's a bit much that she expects you to always be affording flights to the US, be different if it was somewhere nearby.

And your DH needs to well and truly STEP UP!

I don't think you are unreasonable at all BUT it sounds like if she doesn't go pro, then this might be the culmination of her sporting career. Sounds like it is a huge deal and she wants you there. You've been a huge part of her success when she was growing up and she wants you to see where it has taken her and celebrate with you. I think I'd do everything to get there. Sack off school for the little ones. It is not compulsory until 5 anyway. Even if your little one turns 5 then, it's a few days at most. What will they miss, the letter P, some colouring? Weighing up one against the other, the daughter with the big comp would win for me.

Hope you can resolve. I think she is disappointed, not a spoilt brat. She's shown amazing bravery and work ethic getting to where she is. Show her you are proud.

Why is that ridiculous?

She was 18 making the choice, not 8.

YANBU however if you do really want to go and it sounds like you do if you're feeling guilt about it, then take the 2 yr old and get husband to sort the school run for a week. If he genuinely can't do it (which I don't believe unless there is no wraparound) then there's plenty of time to find someone -childminder etc- to do it for the week.