DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

@C152 good spot it’s that I meant I’m far too tired today 😂

You are going to graduation and that is enough , it sounds like you gave your daughter a more than adequate upbringing and now she needs to realise that she is not the only one in your universe .

If this is the type of solution you choose, I have to say, you should NEVER say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way". It's like a 'sorry, but [not sorry]' apology. Her feelings are her own and you have no right to apologise on her behalf for her own feelings. At least own the results of your choices. "I am sorry I made you feel that way."

She's not 'making' you feel awful. Don't load your emotions on someone else, they're yours.

She's an adult, with support from boyfriend and father.

A very young adult though, who was used to having ALL your attention, sacrifices and support. It's not easy when that declines and is given to others. Jealousy is hard.

Living solo on the other side of the planet from her family and making her own way must be a huge change. Her reaction does make her seem younger than she is.
Hope all is well for her?

I wonder if she truly realises what you did for her? It could be taken the wrong way, be careful, but set it all out, reminding her that there are now two more very young children who need you - and that you're twenty years older than you were then.

Now you're giving your all to two more dependent children who need you, just as she did.

Is this how you see yourself? As the giver of everything to dependent children?

To be honest, I'd be making arrangements for the children, pulling their dad up and having him take annual leave and caring for his own kids, then going out to see her compete and having a fun trip, if only for a break from the self sacrificing mumming.

She's 21 and used to being an only child, and she's a long way from home and feels how she feels.

But she's also old enough that you can talk through all the reasons why you coming out to this event isn't possible, and that you tried to find a way but couldn't and tell her you will be thinking about her and plan something to do together after she graduates.

Also one day she may have kids of her own and then perhaps she'll understand that you can't just leave the little ones.

This is great advice .

If you cant, having really tried as hard as you can, make it work to go to support her then you can’t and that is the end of it.

Reassure her kindly, that yes, you do care every much as evidenced by all your support in the past but try as you might, you can’t make it work this year.

Once you have reassured, explained and asked for her understanding, you have to leave it to her to find the maturity to accept it. It may take time. But that’s your job as a parent, even with an adult dc, to say no sometimes.

She has her bf, her dad and actually, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt not to always have an audience. Her self esteem to compete shouldn't really always be dependent on her mum being there.
There has to be a first time for everything OP.
Try not to feel bad about it. She will hopefully grow from it.

It's unfair for some posters to call her a brat, as every generation seems to stay a 'child' for longer, and I think your DD is probably not that different in expectations to her peers.

You are right, you gave up a lot, for many years, for your DD and her sport, but I don't think it's right to quit that now that she's at the finish line. This is her last big competition before graduation and I can see why it looks to her that you're just making excuses not to come. You have several options; you just would rather not go.

You could go and take your toddler with you, arranging for someone (or, heaven forbid, expecting your equal partner in parenting to arrange) to do school drop off for the older child; you could take both children with you; you could go alone and pay for (or ask your eldest DD's dad to pay for) an emergency nanny to care for the toddler and take the 4 year old to/from school for a few days. There are solutions, you just seem to prefer the one where you don't travel to see eldest DD. I think, given all you've sacrificed for her, it would be sad for it to end on such a sour note. It's one more competition and her graduation, both of which are incredibly important to her. Whilst you are obviously very important to your 2 and 4 year old, they won't care as much that you're gone for three or four days. You've got years to show them the same support you gave your eldest DD. (And who cares if your ex is smug about loaning you money? Accept the offer if money is actually the issue and enjoy supporting your DD and the happiness it will bring her.)

I can see both sides here. She’s had lots of support from over the years and now her siblings are here she’s having to share you more. She’s bound to feel upset and a bit rejected, your support has changed and she probably wasn’t expecting it. And it’s slightly worse it’s a different father so I guess she might feel like you now have the family unit you always wanted.

However on the flip side you have given her loads and flown over a lot to support her. And now settled down / had the kids you want.

If I was in your shoes OP I would text her “I’m so sorry you feel the way you do. I can understand that you have had my undivided attention until the boys came along and it’s changed. For that I am sorry. I would love to be there for both competitions and graduation but finances and timings with your brothers are making this hard. I am asking a friend to help with the school run if I came over and they can only do one of the visits. Would you rather I came for the competition or your graduation? I am so proud of you and I love you unconditionally”

you are not ' done ' just because your child is 21!! You clearly have young kids so have no idea. they ALWAYS need you !

Why can't people RTFT
Dad is a teacher. If Dad is a secondary school teacher then there is no way he will get out on time to pick up a primary child unless the schools are very close together. OP has already said no wrap around care at the primary school. Those saying take both - a 2 yo and a 4yo at a tennis match? Really?
Just RTFT before you make your holier than thou, Dad is useless, OP doesn't want to go, blending families don't work, bollocks.

Couple of things, she's 21 - an adult - and has been extremely lucky that you have been able to visit so often in the past for her competitions. She sounds to be in a very privileged position.

She must also realise that your 4 and 2 year olds need you physically more than she does.

BUT, it isn't really that black and white and does sound like she feels pushed out.

Can you take your 2 youngest out with you? I know you mentioend the 4 year old and school, but she's 4. It's hardly going to ruin her education. It would be lovely for you all I'd imagine.

It seems it is important to her you are there; can you do a quick trip? It looks like you were really hands on and now you are just dropping her; it has to be a slow process

It is OK not to want to do something that would cost, what, about a grand? To be followed up by another grand or so in June. And owing a load of childcare favours. When the OP has a partner who is busy right now but will have 6 weeks' holiday Jul-Aug.

It is not realistic (unless in the world of business travel or the ultra wealthy) to keep popping thousands of miles for stuff no doubt the OP could see the main parts of online.

Of course this will cut no ice with the older DD as she is jealous and feels pushed out (which I can understand).

She's jolly lucky the OP devoted a decade to trailing the world after her though. Most parents wouldn't and couldn't!

Maybe you can’t go.
there certainly will be times when you can’t. or course.

but I imagine your daughter also feels a bit sidelined by your second phase of parenting .

if this is a significant event surely your partner (4yo father) can parent them whilst you are away.

and maybe you also need to -when your daughter is less upset/calmer- have a conversation about a strategy for attending events- looking at the whole year etc,

Because she's 21.
OP is done. Free.
She's done the gard work, the dedication. The eye watering boredom.

And now she gets to release herself from tennis

I would very bluntly tell her.
Thank you but no thank you. That's not something I want to do right now
If you play locally give me a heads up.

But otherwise at 21 OP no longer needs to force herself to pay in multiple ways for this adult.

She needs a reality check. She wouldn’t be where she was without you.

The thing is, that cuts both ways. The OP's daughter literally could not be in the position she's in without the OP putting her there. And having put her there, the OP changed her focus and started something new, and now the older daughter is at a crunch point where her sporting career may well end, and possibly wondering what next and what was this all for. Which doesn't mean the OP can or should magically hop back and forth to the US but I do think this is a difficult time for her daughter.

i agree , the OP doesnt really want to, if you cant make the closer date thats fine but loads of time to organise for May , no excuse and my dd would be upset too

It does very much sound like you could make it happen but don't want to, May is ages away and you could find a solution to the childcare.

I agree with the pp that the choices to prioritise her sport for years, and then have more children with a big gap were your choices, not hers.

She's obviously upset and hurt and feeling pushed out. Hope you find a solution.

Agree with this. I will go, even if it means taking kids out of school?, leaving them with their dad. They are not going to miss much of school at that age. You can’t definitely go as often but can’t completely abandon her; she is only 21; she will start getting more independent now she has a boyfriend

YANBU

How can the pp's on here be saying you are when you're going there weeks later for graduation! Jeez!

Can I ask a question @Claina given it is tennis (and not a sport that gets drafted after college) and that she is now unlikely to go pro how will you feel if the May competion is the last time she plays professionally and you miss it.

having made many others how will you feel

Just reassure her. She's used to very hands on support from you and it's vanished. Tell her you care as much as ever, you are massively proud and longing for her to do well. Ask her not to mistake you having less time with less love. You have more commitments now, and she must appreciate that you have to put the needs of your young children before your own desire to see her compete, just as when she was young, you put her needs before your own.

She can't ask or expect you to be a less good mother to her siblings than she was to you. Explain your time is in very short supply but your love and your desire for her to do well is as strong as ever.

She needs to grow up and accept this.

This

She is allowed to be upset, but YANBU to not go, especially with graduation so soon after. She is 21, so should be grown up enough to understand how real life works.

Also I agree with PP, she must have realised when she moved to a different country that you would not always be able to be there.

I would give her a choice, and say that you can attend the event or graduation, but not both (assuming that you can switch plane tickets etc).

You need to make it clear that you are proud of her, and its not about putting the others first, but that you also have a life and school etc that has to be attended.

Sorry id make arrangements to go to at least 1 of them, surely you can arrange for your partner or other family to look after the younger child?
I dont beleive your partner cant take time off, course he can with enough notice!

You don't mention cost so financially not an issue?