DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

Ah he's a teacher. Even if she can't attend the sports match, she could go another time whilst her husband is off term time or during the summer holidays. So she still gets to spend time with her daughter. Or her youngest can stay in nursery until her dad picks her up? You can still do nursery pick ups and drop offs as a teacher.

But they don't want to.
And that's OK.

She doesn't need them there.
She has other support.
And it's ridiculous to demand someone do this to show up for a thing they may not even be into.

In defence of the pp, that rather relevant fact wasn't in the OP! However, between now and May is a lot of time to arrange some paid childcare to work around this, if they wanted to. May is also a month with some school holidays in it so with any luck might overlap.

The timing was perfect.
OP was able to dedicated unlimited and incredible resources to this 1 child without distraction until a point where she could independently pursue it herself.

OP could've chosen to have children earlier, and her DD may have never achieved this.

The husband is a teacher. He cannot "request annual leave". I assume the May and June events fall outwith the May half term.

I think she's being a bit bratty, tbh, and at 21 she should be a bit more mature about things.

Part of being an adult, even a young one, is learning that circumstances often prevent you from getting everything you want. And if she can't see that there are very real issues around childcare, work commitments of others etc, she's being self-centred.

She needs to toughen up and develop some resilience, especially if she's serious about continuing in an incredibly competitive sport.

YANBU, OP, not at all.

You do know many jobs don't work like that right?
Like teaching?

Have you looked in to childminders to enable your dh to look after his dc for a week?

Your younger child does not legally have to be in school until the term after their 5th birthday. Your eldest is feeling that her siblings are now more important than her. Nobody is in the wrong here but please see her point of view, you travelled with her all the time until you had a baby. The timing wasn't great for your daughter, yes she was old enough to travel on her own but the child in her, only see's that she was a lone child for so long then along came a baby and she didn't get her time with you. She has gone off to the US at a young age and you have a new family, she doesn't feel part of that, how can she?

I'm guessing that if you're an athlete you are laser focused and potentially selfish at times. She has to prioritize herself and so may think that everyone else should.

Your husband has loads of time to request annual leave. Every working person is eligible to annual leave. He needs to stay home with the little ones whilst you visit your older dd for a few days. I'm not surprised she feels pushed out of the family. Go and visit her.

She's an adult. One who chose to move away

OP cab say "sorry that doesn't work, good luck!"
And that's completely reasonable.
She doenst have to factor her in to her day to day life

The adult doesn't get to punish OP for choosing to marry and have more children
Does OP have a say in her daughters life choices?
Who she marries, how many children, what time she leave available for OP?

This is the issue with her choosing a US university, it happens to almost everyone as it is such a trek (and the cost) I would say exactly this to her, you would be there in a heartbeat if it was possible, that you love seeing her compete and are so proud of her.

I do think you have invested heavily into her life for decades, it’s a bit unfair of her to insist on this too. That said she is clearly feeling a long way from home, it sounds like she is missing the closeness with you. The younger kids are taking the lion share of your energy. She doesn’t stop needing you - even at 21.

I too would get dh to pick up the 4yr old and take the 2yr old if you can afford it. As it seems to mean so much to her. I would try to be there. Once she graduates is she coming home?

Sadly most respondees are missing the fact your partner is a teacher and you are already travelling there in June.

With that in mind, I think your DD is being unreasonable but may not be able to realise that yet.

I went to uni just at the other end of the country and my mum and dad only visited once and then for graduation.

Reading all your updates, yanbu. Your 21 year old is being unrealistic and selfish expecting you to go twice in a month.
After all you've done for her, she needs to realise there are two other children now who can't just be dropped whenever she needs you. She's an adult now.

I don't understand how people think it's reasonable to drag a 2 and 4 year old on a long flight to watch a tennis match. My kids would not have sat still throughout a tennis match (although to be honest I don't think I would either), and then what happens if they start getting restless and OP has to leave?

It's not as if it's a few hours drive away plus you've got the graduation a few weeks later. I'm sorry but if your daughter decided to go to college in another country then she can't expect everyone to be there for every event. If her father isn't going then I don't understand why everyone is guilt tripping the OP, parents have equal responsibilities.

Sorry, forgot to mention I never competed abroad and I would not dare disrupt my parents' work to invite them to the competing events on home soil (never even Scotland or Wales).

I'd say try to find a way to do one of them.

It isn't her fault that you new partner is unable to resolve the school run for your new children without your presence/you calling favors.

If your children needed you home for some specific reason, I'd say tough. However this is about setup of your everyday operations, and it seems your current setup really doesn't count with her (by not allowing you to go for a few days)

Oh, sorry OP, this must be hard.
Just one more reason for me not to like competitive sport.

I hope her dad is getting as much stick from her as you are. That being said she is your firstborn and should still get some priority. This is her final year and the most important. It should have been sorted and pre arranged ages ago. If you definitely can’t go her dad needs to step up. She’s not being a brat, she’s your daughter and effectively feels pushed out because you chose to have further children.

This is so sad - you bent over backwards to enable her sport career - I assume she got to the US uni on a stipend, on the back of your many sacrifices. She is used to your sacrifices now, there is nothing you can do. She feels entitled and she thinks she can monopolise you. My parents works f/t. I competed in my sport (28 years ago) and when I got to competition level, I did not dare ask my parents to attend (I think they attended once, in the same city though), because to attend, they had to take time off work - I could not fathoms saying to my mum or dad 'tell your patients you are taking a day off, because I am competing'. It just never occurred to me. Frankly, I don't remember if other competitors' parents attended, but I doubt they did all the time. I did not dare insist both my parents came to my graduations - they had work commitments and only my dad managed to attend one graduation.

This is astounding ingratitude and entitlement on the part of your daughter. How can you not see it yourself? I heard so many stories of ingratitude - towards parents, grandparents, etc. Mainly it was to do with lack of appreciation for sacrifices. So a little while ago I told my dc 'I am pulling you out of your private school, you will go to a local state school (it is a very badly academically performing school with drug-dealing and discipline problems) and it will be easier for your to apply to university (no bias) and I shall save a lot of money, because frankly, as the only bread-winner and self-employed, it is very very very hard for me to earn this money to send you private, and I am tired to be working all hours, and frankly I can use this money to buy things for myself, to upgrade my work equipment, and would you believe it - to buy myself some nice clothes and jewellery and a better car, etc. I was very measured and serious. You would not believe the begging and crying and begging that ensued. I have never seen dc like that - promises of better academic performance, promises, promises, promises. And tears, horrified tears. I never intended to pull them out, I just wanted to have this picture framed clearly in THEIR brains, that they were begging me to send them to their private school for final school years - because I knew, that if I had not done that, sometime down the line, I would be told 'Nobody asked you to sacrifice, nobody asked you to pay for private school'. I am saying this because you have 2 more children - don't make the same mistake with them - REMIND THEM about what you are doing for them, maybe not as radically and cruelly as I did it, but nevertheless.

Of course you are!
You don't see a difference between a small dependent child being actively parented and an adult who is independent?

She can want OP there but, no she doesn't NEED OP there.
And it's beyond fine for OP to tell her that's her days of spending a fortune and a lot of time watching tennis is over.

That again, if it's local and convenient, great. But she is not the centre of the universe and OP has her own 1 life to live.

Far far to many young adults re being raised entitled.
It's OPs life as well.

It's not unreasonable that you can't go. My parents didn't even visit me that much when I was studying in France

But I don't think her feelings are unreasonable either. In her eyes, she moved away and you started another family - that must have stung. Yes, she's an adult and living independently, but she grew up with you all to herself and as an only child, and now she's moved away, you have a new partner and she has two younger siblings. I'm not surprised she's a bit confused and overwhelmed - and probably a bit homesick too.

Can you afford to pay for her to come home for a week or long weekend maybe? Get your partner to look after the little ones and have some quality time just the two of you?

op already said the money not an issue.........

Isn't a single flight to the US like £500? That alone would be my excuse for not being able to make every tournament!

I think as a pp said, this is more about her feelings surrounding you having another family now when previously it was just you and her. You need to reassure her and tell her you understand but that she was your no.1 who had all that time of having you to herself and focused on her and her alone. Your younger two likely won't get that much individual attention. But no YANBU.