DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

Oh sorry, it's the graduation he isn't coming to.

There is nothing practical you can do but it sounds like she just misses her Mum! If she is coming up to the end of college there is lots of pressure. Not least of which is will she make the leap into the pro circuit.
You know you are not being unreasonable but don't take what she is saying as entitled and ungrateful. She is probably sick of being a grown up!

she has done far more than your average parent to support her child. Have you done any of these things she lists? I certainly haven’t!! And won’t re homeschooling unless it’s a medical /special need! When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete

Again @Claina how are you going to feel if it is the last major championship she plays and you weren’t there

Sorry but you are just coming out with a load of excuses, if you really wanted to you would make it work.

Your daughter maybe 21 but still at uni thousands of miles away from her parents, one of whom has now decided not to attend two key events so yes I bet she feels homesick, and abandoned, and you are telling her your new family is far more important than her.

Teachers can get time off if needed, I have family members who managed to get time of term time, or can he arrange something to do the school runs and come in a bit later?

You could over just in time for the event, hell you could take both kids, at 4 it won’t matter if they miss a few days school

I could understand if they were just normal events but these are key ones, and you are not going to either, her reaction tells you everything, she feels unimportant to you now

Coaches, friends, any colleges she's made.

It's not her mother's job to make her friends as an adult.

And presumably she wasn't an immaculate conception.

Because there could be numerous reasons why the OP’s daughter is living abroad. If she has been there awhile, then presumably it was with OP’s support.

Because if someone moves away, it does not and should not mean that the responsibility for keeping the relationship going falls solely to them.

If OP can’t afford the trip, or can’t go due to other reasons, then of course that is fair.

Not to mention teammates, friends,etc.
(I know teammates isn't exactly the same in tennis as it would be in, say football, but there will be other players in the uni that she practices with/plays against etc.)

where have you got that the dad never goes? it literally says in the OP " I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week."

This. I’m the eldest daughter for my mother. And I felt utterly pushed out by her second family. If I ever separated I’d never have more children as I know first hand how shit it is for the first child. You feel forever the third wheel in your own family,

Dad, boyfriend, presumably coach

What other support has she got?

what 4 year old is going to happily sit and watch tennis for hours?

There's nobody I lobe enough to put myself through that horror.

And that's without the travel.

But there isn’t a big difference between a trans Atlantic flight and a New York to LA flight, or a Texas to Washington flight - so just be careful with the comparisons you make.

Honestly, I’d own the decision that you are prioritising the younger kids, the same way you prioritised her when she was their age. And now she’s an adult you will still support her by going to her graduation but you can’t be there for her in the same way now she lives abroad.

The young person's father has offered to pay. So that's not the issue. Shitty too that he never goes.
The OP can absolutely say she doesn't want to. But it sounds more like she has told her dd that she can't which may not really be true. Dd probably sees her competitors all with parents around them, and is having a wobble when talking to her mum. You can still miss your mum at 21 (or at 51).

Take your 4 year old out of school and go it’s a much more educational experience than a week of colouring in. Your 4 year old isn’t even compulsory school age.

even if you didn't have other children, being expected to fly to the US multiple times a year is a huge ask, both financially and in terms of your time. If you didn't have younger children but worked full time, it would take up pretty much all of your annual leave. At the end of the day, it was her choice to go there for uni - I'm sure there were good reasons but she could have stayed here and played tennis if she wanted or gone somewhere in Europe.

Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).

Honestly it does read as though you’re a bit resentful of having to parent DD and that you wanted to be done with her so you can start your new family - this is definitely how she sees it anyway.

I do feel really sorry for her but I also understand your predicament.

Has your DH asked if he can get cover to arrive a bit later?
When I was teaching I would be happy to give up my PPA as a one off to help a colleague.

Could you look into getting a babysitter/nanny just for those couple of days?

Are there any other family members that could go and support her instead?
Like an aunt or grandparent?

It does sound like a hard situation for your dd - albeit YANBU on paper.

It’s understandable she would feel a bit abandoned by you having a whole new family even if logically speaking she’s an adult now etc.

The only thing that jumped out at me is where you say “I realised I’d sacrificed so much and wanted more children” - surely that’s you sacrificing all over again for your further children in the same way as for your dd - can you unpack in your mind why you thought of it that way?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. She is an adult. If you were a state away, then I’d do a day trip. But if a day trip isn’t feasible then it’s a lot to ask. I’m guessing she made the choice to live in a different country?

Obviously if you can make it, then try - but I would maybe pick 1 competition, maybe one that her dad isn’t attending if I had to go to one.

Sometimes our kids forget that we are there for them and we have been there for them and we do sacrifice for them. She wouldn’t be in the position she is in (most likely) if you didn’t make the sacrifices.

It might also sting for her because other people’s parents will be there. So I get why she is upset. I hope she does calm down eventually and that you can both have a conversation about it.

And it's equally, if not more than responsibility of the person who moved to organise visits as well.

It's not OPs husbands role to facilitate this adult.
If OP is happy to cut into her own free time then that's 1 thing.
But her husband also gets that equally returned.

Is it the NCAA championships? this is a major event

Or is it her Senior Day/Night? This is really a huge deal in US college sports and its usual for parents to be there and accompany their child out into the arena - she'd likely be the only seniorv without a parent

Actually, I don't know what sort of a moneyed person you are, but for most people, and for me (not particularly poor) with dc in a private school on full fees, and being the only breadwinner, any expenditure of this sort with these flights would have been out of the question. Does your daughter think you are made of money? Or even if you are made of money, does your daughter think you should spend it only on her hobbies (you are not not going to her wedding, her hospital stay, her emergency treatment or her nervous breakdown)?

Cure her of her entitlement and rudeness, before it is too late.

She is an adult who has moved to the US to pursue her dream. It would be lovely to be there for every event but it is unrealistic.