DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

I love the idea that it is going to be an “educational experience” for these small children to spend hour after hour staring at iPads on the plane, in the car and at the bloody tennis match. Because realistically, screen time will be the only way to survive the flight and to ensure that Mum is able to give her full, unswerving and adoring attention to Precious Firstborn’s bloody tennis playing, as is clearly expected here by some.

So dad doing competition.

Mum doing graduation.

Seems fair?

DH and I divide things up like that all the time.

Is the event live streamed?

Can the boyfriend face time you if not so you can witness her competing in real time?

I do think she's expecting a lot from you both in time and financially. Who has the money to pay for childcare and flights and accommodation to America every three weeks or so, that's a huge commitment.

Whilst you would love to be there to support her, I think it's just unrealistic of her to ask, especially as you're going over just three weeks later.

A lot of posters seem to be missing the fact that OP has already planned and booked to fly out to America to support her DD at an event in June.
Her DD is now expecting her to fly out in May (3 weeks before her planned trip) as well. I think at 21 years old she should be able to understand what a huge ask that is. The idea that OP isn't making her DD a priority and has "abandoned" her as some posters are claiming is nonsense. She is clearly a priority, but she isn't OP's only priority and that's entirely reasonable. She is an adult woman who also has a Father, a boyfriend and presumably friends to support her.

I'm really surprised at the number of posters who are suggesting that OP fly long-haul with a 2 year old and 4 year old, and then go back to the States 3 weeks later to avoid her adult DD experiencing disappointment. I'm also envious that so many of you clearly have extraordinarily compliant and placid toddlers who will happily sit for hours on end watching tennis!!

Whether your or she are being unreasonable I think at the crux of this issue is that you (willingly) gave up everything for her and she’s now witnessing you transferring that to your other children and feels hurt. You have brought her up in an incredibly close way, more so than lots of parents and I imagine your bond must be very strong after all those years together as a result. Can you not see how she must feel hurt now seeing you transferring all of that love and energy you gave to her onto your younger children? Whether or not that’s what you are doing is by the by, it is what she likely perceives is happening.

Moving forward you need to try and both reassure her and set clear expectations about how often you can come out to the US. Why are you both only having this conversation now about the important dates? She needs to understand what you are capable of doing and you really need to try and find a way of reassuring her that she’s still as important to you as she always was.

The behaviour you’ve described re these two competitions is immature. Far too immature for a 21yo who is capable of successfully living and studying abroad.

I imagine she’s feeling a lot of coaching, performance and social stress at the minute, and undoubtedly taking it out on her mum. It’s allowed. Not nice, but ok.

Let it die down. She’s not necessarily going to go pro, this isn’t major stuff in reality (it’ll feel that way to her, but whilst it’s great it’s not give-it-all-up-to-travel-around-the-world-like-Judy-Murray great). You’re going out there for her 3 weeks later. It’s not reasonable to expect anyone, ever, to travel to the US from the UK twice in 3 weeks for two entirely optional events. Let alone when they have small children and a job to manage.

@Claina Your Daughter will probably be feeling usurped by the new child.
A massive age gap, and she probably feels that she's not as important as she once was now the new child is there.

It's quite a common phenomenon, older child and single parent- then the mum meets new man and gets pregnant and lives ''en famille'' as a cozy trio with the older young adult cast adrift {as they see it}.

It's like they feel that aren't important any more.

If your flight for the graduation is changeable or cancellable, I think I would offer to swap to come out to the match instead if that's what your DD prefers. That way she is the one making the decision about which event is most important to her

I don't think this is a second family issue, even if OP didn't have other DCs generally it's difficult for people to make so many transatlantic flights in a short period of time - making a living for example would preclude the majority.

Unfortunately tennis is a sport for rich folk mostly so I guess the majority of DPs can afford to be at most matches.

She spent her teens playing tennis, which was her family's joint decision. When you focus on juniors tennis that much, sport scholarship program at US university is quite common outcome.
The daughter is following the path they started all together within her original family. And the family has resources and was supporting her by coming over, so it isn't outrageous ask under the circumstances.

She is in her last year now, so it it clear that the change in support &visits is complete caused by the OP's new family, not something she did or by her "being an adult".

Of course the OP doesn't have to factor her in her life, but than it is absolutely clearly sending the message "I was supporting you when it was convenient, now I have new children with new husband and, knowing about your last year at school, I happily arranged my life in a way which doesn't count with visiting you"

That sounds like a plan. I'd consider that.

Op, would your young children be Ok doing all that traveling?

I am assuming you are not back at work because if you were, you'd presumably have somebody to look after them who might do a couple of extra hours here and there.

If she doesn't go she can be happy in the fact that she gave up a lot of time, made so much effort to get her DD to where is now and spent an extraordinary amount of money on her to get her there and that it is absolutely fine to not have to go to this one event because life is like that.

And perhaps it is actually a good thing for DD to realise that life does not revolve around her.

Your daughter maybe 21 but still at uni thousands of miles away from her parents,

Which was her choice. It's not as if her parents moved thousands of miles away and left her behind.

Do people really think op would be able to focus on watching a tennis match if she had a 2yo and a 4yo with her? Or that the 2yo and 4yo would get any benefit from the trip?

And all this about second families - if op had stayed with dd's father and had two more children when dd was small, she'd have had to divide her attention from the start and dd would never have had the opportunities she's had.

That's such a nasty thing to say. Dad can drop the toddler at nursery and then pick them up once he's finished work. Being a teacher doesn't stop you from parenting. OP should just book that flight and see her daughter. The toddlers will be fine with their dad!

Actually she gives the impression going pro and therefore playing in such a big event again is not guaranteed and hints it is likely not

the OP is making excuses not to go becuase if she really wanted to she could do it comes down to

1. what impact it will have for her relationship with her DD not to go
2. how she will feel not going and it is the last time she plays

My comment that it is a ridiculous thing to say was in response to this:

”Surely when she chose to live in an another country, many hours flight away, she realised that family could not be at every occasion both financially and timewise”

Ridiculous because at 18, she would not have necessarily been aware of the consequences of that decision. And because I’m assuming she went with parents full support.

I expected your daughter to be 12 or thereabouts
She needs to grow up, I think. Your Judy Murray days are over!

It's her last competition.
You've supported and encouraged her to get this far.
You can afford to go.
The younger children can go with you.
I can't see the impediment.

Take 4yo out of school & take both the kids for an adventure to see their big sister. Yes you've sacrificed a lot previously but she's your daughter & I'm not sure there's a cut-off for needing parental support (despite what a lot of MN commentators would have you believe).

Last college event but about to go professional so not last event.

Secretly this is how I feel about “second families” too. It’s rarely fair on the existing children - and what’s to stop both their parents doing it, so they feel like the spare part in two otherwise complete families?

But it’s not considered acceptable to say that!

I am divorced and no way would I have been starting a second family to try to “do it right” the second time 🤔

Well on the basis she says she is about to go professional I doubt it will be. Indeed will the DD then expect her to drop everything to support her at every professional event too?

It just won't be feasible and the DD should realise that is the case and accept that her mother is not at her beck and call in the way she once was.

If the DD is really just pushing back because she doesn't like that there are now siblings om the scene (and is put out by this) then I don't think it is too harsh to remind her of all the years OP did put her own life on hold to ensure DD got this start in life and the opportunities she has had.

But diva behaviour (my take) isn't acceptable but OP needn't phrase it like that

Absolutely NOT a ridiculous thing to say.

I think since this is her last event it would be better to attend, however that is facilitated.

So you're now saying it's not so ridiculous to realise that family can't be at every event financially and their timewise?