DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

You didn't prioritise her over your other children, you didn't have other children back then.
You can't blame her for the choices you made when raising her, and you certainly can't blame her for having needs and claim a gold medal for catering to them! She's your child!

I agree with this.

She probably feels that she would play better, with her loving family there, but you’ve told her that the logistics of pre-school age school runs come first. She must feel so unsupported. Poor kid.

Her parents could attend if they could be arsed to go.
If she were in hospital from an accident or in jail, I’m sure they’d find a way to fly out.

I think YABU.
It’s only a few day trip, surely? Why can’t you go to this 1 competition in May that is super important to your DD?

Why can’t your boyfriend be a dad to his DC and handle the 2yr old for a few days without you? Single mums and dads who are teachers do it all the time. Parents who are teachers and their partners go on business trips also do it all the time. At least your boyfriend being a teacher means he can WFH outside normal nursery hours so you don’t really need before or after care, just a babysitter.

If you tried, you could go. You’re going to graduation.

Yes, you have to prioritise younger children but that doesn’t mean your older child in Uni is never the priority.

Of course she does. If she hasn't accepted her mothers first response of not being bale to attend then she is wrong and needs to get a grip.

They can support her, but they can't be there.
It's a fact and she needs to accept it with grace.

No she doesn’t need to get a grip.

She lives in another country and is doing extremely well in a very competitive sport.

She is achieving more than the majority of 21 years olds are.

Wanting support from your partner or parents on one of the most important days of your life, isn’t weak and doesn’t need someone to ‘get a grip’.

She is of course going to feel upset that neither parent can attend such an important event, like any of would.

She chose to pursue athletics in another country. That automatically puts constant family attendance at her big events out of reach. You now have young children that require much of your time and attention and financial support.

She's being very unreasonable given the situation. She had a long time with you raising her and supporting her athletic dreams, now you have to focus on your young kids like you did for her at that age. That she doesn't seem to get that as she's an adult along with the finances involved speaks to something going on. Stress? Is she wanting you to prioritize her like you did for many years? Is she just being selfish? Why can't you watch online?

Can you go from may till graduation with the 2 little ones since her dad can fund?

*Let's just do away with schools altogether then "

Not to mention teachers who are qualified in their sujects. Any old website will do to give someone an accurate knowledge and understanding, won't it? Doesn't matter if you get your news from the Guardian or the Mail, does it? One website is as good as another.

I'd email her and profusely apologise that I couldn't go over twice in two months. Id make it clear she was always my first child, and say how much I loved her. I'd set up a live watch party so she knew she was supported from the UK. She sounds a like someone who is stressed and wants her mum. When it appropriate send her something lovely like a bunch of flowers, to acknowledge your support for her.

If it's too difficult for you to go, it's too difficult for you to go. It doesn't matter how old she is, or how much she strops that's just how it is.

Yanbu. She needs to understand she can't always have everything she wants and she has to share her mother with her siblings.

This is life. Nobody can drop everything when we want because it'll make us feel bad if they don't. This is ridiculous.

Of course she's chosen to.
No I don't, but her expectations and demads do not match the decisions she made.

Her family are very very supportive. They are just setting reasonable boundaries.

She hasn't "chosen to move continents", she's a college athlete who's been studying abroad. You make it sound like she's turned her back on her family! She will be surrounded by many other athletes with immensely supportive parents - I can understand why she wants a parent there for her last big competition. She doesn't need to "get a grip" at all. She's a very young adult who is used to her family supporting her and is voicing her need for that support one more time.

It's not different when you've chosen to move continents.
And OP is going in June.

So she is well covered. At 21 she needs to get a serious grip quite quickly.

That’s different to your parents support.

And as PPs have said, it’s an event where parents are expected to attend and DD will
possibly be the only one without parental support.

And no obviously she wasn’t an immaculate conception which is why her dad is willing to pay for OP to attend and has said cost isn’t an issue.
He is not able to attend the one in may but attends the others, as PP has said.

You could make it work if you really wanted to.
You ate looking for every excuse not to go instead of trying every way to get to go,

I can see why your eldest child is upset.

The older daughter can have any feelings she wants.
But part of growing up is learning when those are your issue, learning when you are being unreadable and learning how to get the hell over it.

I've read all your replies, but not everyone else's.

Of course YANBU for not going to this event. It would be incredibly logistically difficult and expensive, and you are going only 4 weeks later for her graduation.

But I don't think it really matters who is being unreasonable.

she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children

This line of your post stood out to me. It sounds like your lives have changed enormously over the past 5 years and you need to focus on how you keep your relationship with her solid.

If I put myself in your DD's shoes, she grew up as an only child - having your undivided attention and feeling you were sharing in her sporting dreams. Then as a young adult she has two younger siblings who (by necessity) take up much of your time and attention. At around the same time she leaves home, moves abroad and focuses on college athletics (which I don't know much about but I suspect is probably intense and stressful) - and she is a v long way from home and her support system.

You can't help that you can't go to this particular event. But I would have an honest conversation with her about how yes your circumstances have changed and it's harder for you to attend (partly because of her siblings and partly because she is in America!), but she is still loved and cherished - and you are so proud of her. And asking how you can you support her and make her feel your love even when you're not able to physically be there.

You don't mention how your relationship is otherwise - whether you speak a lot, whether you're still involved and interested in the details of her training. But there's lots you can do to show your love and care from overseas. I'd be focusing on that rather than the rights and wrongs of this specific ask.

If it were me, I’d go. It could be made to work.

Take the toddler.

And what is the toddler doing while op is watching the tennis?
What does op do if toddler needs a poo, and says so, loudly, as dd is about to serve for the match?

If they were dd's full siblings, they might very well be doing exams in May, given a typical age gap, so op still wouldn't be able to go.

This thread is crazy. What parent in their right mind would bring a 2 and 4 year old to America for a couple of days? It would be nightmare for everyone, especially the mother. Have an honest conversation with your dd op, I guess she’s feeling lonely or jealous of your new family. But no way should you go, you’re already going in June

Clearly you are incredibly proud of your DD and her achievements, and you did a great deal to encourage and enable her to follow her sporting ambitions. But having a child on the other side of the Atlantic isn't the same as just down the road, and of course the logistics and cost of coming and going are considerable. So she is not unreasonable to hope you could make it, and you are not unreasonable to decide you can't.
In your shoes I would write her a letter, telling her how you feel and reassuring her of your unconditional love and your pride. Tell her how much you love watching her perform whenever possible, and set out why that's not always possible. Tell her how much you wish you could come to see her compete and how sad it makes you feel that you can't. Tell her that her young siblings are not a replacement for her, but that you have the same responsibilities toward them that you had to her when she was tiny.
The point of a letter is that she can read and re-read it, unlike a call that can be derailed by the other person's emotions. A handwritten letter is a rare gift these days and speaks volumes about the care you have taken.

Take the toddler. Your DH will have to deal with the school run. It's a big deal, she's probably under a lot of pressure and wants you there.

I think she needs to realise life is different when you have younger siblings whether they're half siblings or not. The family base is X she is living elsewhere due to choice/ commitments. Everyone in the family is equally important and decisions can't just be about her all the time. I think she needs to turn down the hard done by dramatics and get a grip however I wouldn't put it like that more along the lines of ' let's look to see when suits and we'll get it booked' ...your travel plans need to suit YOU.