DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

She could prioritise sewing club - and her daughter would be correct to realise the sewing club was prioritised over her.

Yeah, it technically is another continent, but from the UK it isn't that far, it isn't Australia. And it isn't daughter's random whim, the daughter is on a path which was absolutely predictable since the family decided to let her focus on junior tennis.

The OP had a choice - make an effort this year and naturally finalise the journey she started together with her daughter (and I am talking about even one of the three big tournaments this school year before the graduation, not necessarily all/the May one) or saying she can't be bothered because it would slightly inconvenience her new partner now.

It is her right to choose the second option, but it is unreasonable to be surprised that her daughter sees it for what it is .

The OP could prioritise sewing club and still be in the right.
Its a 21 year old playing tennis on another continent.

The OP has done more than enough time in the audience.

Are they really doing their best?

The three main tournament dates were known well in advance, and the OP "can't go" to any of them because her new partner can't be asked to solve his child's school run for a few days.

The OP practically acknowledges that she prioritises her new family. It is her choice, but the daughter isn't wrong feeling it.

No, he’s a teacher. He doesn’t get to choose the dates of his holidays

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 02/02/2025 18:00

Her parents could attend if they could be arsed to go.
If she were in hospital from an accident or in jail, I’m sure they’d find a way to fly out.

Have you missed the bit where dad is going to the tournament in May and OP is going to the graduation in June, just a couple of weeks later? Or are you deliberately ignoring that. Flying out twice to the States in a four week span is just not realistic.

OP has made reasonable adjustments but cannot just drop everything at home with two toddlers and a hardworking DP with a schedule which has to be planned in advance. All arrangements are in place for OP to attend the graduation, which the dad is not going to, it's sad for DD but her parents are doing the best they can to support her.

It will take at least "a day or two" simply to travel there and back. We aren't talking about hopping on a train or flying to Europe, this is a full blown transatlantic flight.
Unless the OP is superwoman she will need some rest at the end of each flight. We don't know how many days the tournament is, she would presumably need to stay for all of it in case the DD gets into the final.

I agree that just because technically DD is an adult she still wants her DM there, but let's not minimise the journey to suit the narrative.

At the risk of banging on a bit: the OP's daughter may at some point come to be very glad that her mother went on to have two more children, especially if she ends up living overseas long term.

An older single mother who is all by herself can become a source of great worry to adult children, especially if she is lonely or if there is a cloud of resentment/guilt hanging over the whole situation ("I'm starting to realize that my mum basically gave up her whole life for me and now she's alone..."). The adult child may feel under pressure to live close to the lone parent as they age, or the older single parent may remain overinvolved in their child's life or live vicariously through their activities.

I've lived overseas all my adult life, and I've seen how hard things are for friends who have no siblings and are living outside their home country where their aging parents still live, especially if the parent is alone. There can be a lot of guilt about living such a long way away and depriving the parent of the experience of having their adult child and their grandchildren living in the same country. Eventually the parent starts to need support due to getting older, and a crisis situation can develop. Or the adult child may give up the dream of living in the US or wherever they are and go home "because otherwise it's too hard on mum." Resentment often develops.

I know it's easy to think of the OP's daughter as a small pouting child, but she's an adult with responsibilities and choices that will grow as time goes on. Especially if she decides to stay in the US, she will soon come to realize that she has more freedom to follow her choices if her mother is happy in a relationship in the UK and there are two other sibs living there.

I am struck by how many variations there are, on here, of "The problem is that THE SECOND BATCH OF CHILDREN are the reason for the OP's not going! It's clear that she's not going because she's got these other kids now."

Uh yes? And? So?

The new kids are people and they have needs too; the OP has two small children and that means she has needs too, like rest and relaxation and not making stuff unnecessarily difficult for herself all the time. She has a right to have her current relationship and she has a right to have more children. It is normal for an older sibling to discover that what their parent is able to do for them will have to shift a bit once there are other siblings (or half siblings) in the family. That is just life.

A lot of people on Mumsnet seem to be wildly against ANY form of second family (I'm not even going to use the term "blended family" here - does it really count as "blending" in the true sense when the eldest was 17 when the first was born and is in her 20s now?)

I'd be the first person to advise caution about dating while children are little, rushing to introduce new partners and blend families with primary school age children etc. But this is a much older elder child. Her mother also deserves the right to have relationships and be happy in her 40s, not resign herself to a nun-like existence at 23 and forevermore. She has already gone above and beyond for this first child of hers.

Even in past centuries, it was accepted that women often went on to have another relationship and new children with that relationship; divorce was seldom a thing, but premature death certainly was. "Second families" are not a new phenomenon and human beings have always had to deal with them.

We're not suggesting she disinherit her.

Its one thing she can't attend after a lifetime of dedication.

Why can't you do May instead of June or did I miss a bit?

OP - just to flag that it’s probably quite easy for anyone to identify your daughter off this thread. There are a finite number of universities in California with women’s NCAA tennis teams, and they all publish their rosters online, including players’ home towns, and its unlikely there are many British-born seniors…

I feel really sorry for the kids of all the commenters on here that think just because OP's daughter is an adult, she doesn't need her mum anymore? You're a mother for life, it doesn't just end when your child is an adult. OP your daughter is obviously feeling very left out and seeings as she's been an only child for that amount of time, I'd say it's completely reasonable for her to feel that way. If money isn't an issue then why can't you go and support your daughter? Your other children surely can be looked after by their dad for a day or two?

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you're not doing this.
It matters to her that you're there.
If you take both your kids, you can be

My ds admittedly lives at home.

But he has competed abroad for GB a number of times and I've never been able to go and watch.

I can't afford it for a start as well as not being able to get the time off work.

But I do watch British champs etc.

I really don't think it's common for children/young adults who are moving from junior to elite ranks of sport I have their parents travel the world with them.

Is her father also getting the weight of her emotional needs or is it just you thats being made to feel guilty?

Came here to say this about the 4 year old. Take advantage of a term time holiday while you still can

She is being unreasonable to expect you to fly out in May and June, she's an adult and you now have 2 young children, she needs to grow up.

I suppose the availability of money for travelling was part of the decision making process when DD went for the US university.
Completely unreasonable expectations - that's the matter of opinion, and what this whole thread is about.

We know that the dad is visiting some of the events, we (and the OP) don't know how many.
We know that the OP doesn't plan to visit any of the three big tournaments in the current school year (already skipped the autumn one) so together with the graduation the overall plan is 1 out of 4 invitations.
And, once again, the main reason for the change of approach is OP's new family set up in a way which doesn't count with her going away for a few days to see her older DD.

Well. Not quite true. The Dad can afford it and offers to pay for the Mum to go, but is smug about it. Tbh I’d draw the line at my ex using his money as a way of control. It’s also set completely unreasonable expectations for the daughter. The dad isn’t even attending graduation and yet it’s the mum getting all the stick.

How many families could afford it is irrelevant. This family can. And they didn't care about environmental impact, until visiting the older DD became inconvenient because OP's new partner can't be asked to solve school run for a few days.

This is her last year at school. If the DD tries turning pro, it would be another matter. There is a difference between "mummy coming to work" and "the final performance of her university program".

exactly
how many people have the money or annual leave to be able to afford this
not to mention the environmental impact of making multiple long haul flights a year
even given the fact that the dd's dad will pay for flights, I can understand why OP would feel weird accepting that much money from someone she's been separated from for decades, not to mention the fact that paying for her flight doesn't also equal paying for the dd
and even if she can take her younger dc out of school NOW what happens next year if the dd is playing professionally?
at what point will the dd accept that mummy doesn't normally come to work with you?

I went to live overseas when I was aged 21-24. I landed up in hospital twice, and also graduated with my masters. My mum came once - for my graduation and an extended holiday (3 weeks.) She was a teacher, and had to apply to the Director of Education, with evidence of my graduation, to be allowed an extra week off at Christmas, to be able to attend my graduation.

When I was in hospital, I did cry, wishing she was there. But, never mind it being super late expansive, it would have taken her about 2 days to get there (notice, booking, organisation, never mind 26 hours of travel! I was in NZ).
I had to (wo)man up.

Id suggest to your DD that she make sure she has friends to support her. You’re going for other events - and her dad is going for a different tournament - so she’s doing well for support!! I get she’s still looking for her mum to be there, but we need to accept there’s times our parents can’t be there, as we get older/further away.

She's 21.

She needs to grow up and recognise quite how much her mother has already done for her. Not every parent does what the OP has. She's gone above and beyond and sacrificed a big chunk of her own life to facilitate her daughter's.

Mothers are people. We are not incubators when we are pregnant and we are not fembots once children are born.

Its misogynistic to not recognise that women with kids are perfectly entitled to fufullment from life too. We don't have to slavishly subjugate our entire being to our children's whims.

She's behaving like a five year old jealous of a new baby and really lacks empathy.

You do deserve a huge pat on the back for getting her as far as you have OP. You sacrificed a lot. It's a shame she's so ungrateful.

Do you speak this way to people in real life or us it just your keyboard warrior persona?

Me too. Feel really sorry for her. 😞