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Original poster

DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

289 replies

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:23

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

OP posts:
grace2025 · 02/02/2025 09:51

TickingAlongNicely
Surely when she chose to live in an another country, many hours flight away, she realised that family could not be at every occasion both financially and timewise?

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Actually that's true and realistic!

moose62 · 02/02/2025 09:51

Sorry but I think most people on here are bring ridiculous. You have given your DD everything in your power to give her snd she is successful in what she loves doing. She has a boyfriend who is attending her events and a father who is also attending various events. You have also attended 2 or 3 events. Unfortunately you can't attend the one in May and she hangs up on you! She is behaving like a spoilt brat, she is an adult and must learn that things can't always go your own way and to deal with disappointment. If it wasn't for you, she might not be in the USA doing what she loves. It is a shame but don't be quilted into making your life difficult and not putting your other children first for once.

Ace56 · 02/02/2025 09:48

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:46

Yes 3 weeks later, so she wants me to fly to Texas in the May then to the West Coast/San Francisco area in the June.

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Oh this is quite a big point! You are absolutely not being unreasonable then. How can she honestly expect this?!
You need to sit down and have a proper talk with her about expectations of you flying out, how many times you can really do this a year etc.

Frostynoman · 02/02/2025 09:48

You have time to find a childminder/mothers help etc to get support for the 5 morning school runs in May for your 4 year old. Would you be comfortable taking your 2 year old with you?

I understand objectively what you are saying. Unfortunately it also sounds as if it’s slightly all and then nothing in your daughter’s eye in terms of input. You decided you wanted more children, something that couldn’t happen when you were working so hard with your eldest, and then she will be feeling dropped in favour of those two. Your needs absolutely matter however I imagine that she’s not going to understand that at this age, as a young adult without children. Telling you that a boyfriend of 8 months is attending and you’re not illustrates that she’s not grasping situation from your perspective.

Wait until she graduates to have the conversation with her and try and make the May meet - the last thing you want is to be accused of throwing her off her game because you’ve chosen your ‘new family’ (it isn’t, you’re all one family In just suggesting things to avoid hearing..!)

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:48

OP this seems like an event worth going to. Can no one else look after your other children for a week?

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 09:46

Wonderwall23 · 02/02/2025 09:43

I think you've missed a big bit of context from your first post. Is it right that you're going in June for graduation...literally a month later? That is hugely relevant!

Yes 3 weeks later, so she wants me to fly to Texas in the May then to the West Coast/San Francisco area in the June.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:45

TickingAlongNicely · 02/02/2025 09:30

Surely when she chose to live in an another country, many hours flight away, she realised that family could not be at every occasion both financially and timewise?

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Wonderwall23 · 02/02/2025 09:43

I think you've missed a big bit of context from your first post. Is it right that you're going in June for graduation...literally a month later? That is hugely relevant!

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 09:43

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 09:42

Also, have you asked her if she would rather you go to the competition or graduation? If her sport is so important to her she may actually prefer you to be there for that. Then you could swap the favours from June to May.

She definitely wants me at graduation, her Dad can't go to Graduation so she said she would be really upset if neither of us were there. No idea why he can't go.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 09:42

Also, have you asked her if she would rather you go to the competition or graduation? If her sport is so important to her she may actually prefer you to be there for that. Then you could swap the favours from June to May.

Greenbottle123 · 02/02/2025 09:41

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:38

I guess I could take DS out for the week but it ends up being I hardly see her actually competing as DS is awful at sitting still now, last year was bad but made slightly easier as it was may half term and my partner came with us so could walk him out when he got restless.

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Tbh it sounds like you just don’t want to go. If you wanted to make it work, you could

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 09:40

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:31

She is a senior now so the May one is her last big competition before graduation.

DP is a teacher so can't take time off during term time and we would have no one to look after our 2 year old. There is also no breakfast or after school club at DS' school so that would be very difficult too.

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Given it's the last one, I'd go if you can at all. Presumably she's reaching the point where she may no longer make the grade and these big competitions will die off.

Personally I'd just take the 4yo out of school and go. I don't blame your eldest for being pushed out.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 09:38

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 02/02/2025 09:35

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation or helpful at all, but IF the only thing stopping you is your 4yo at school, do they legally have to attend?

We had an important family birthday celebration when our DS was 4 and, because he wasn't yet old enough that he had to be at school, we were able to take him out for a week without any issues. The school might not have liked it, but we were perfectly within our rights.

I guess I could take DS out for the week but it ends up being I hardly see her actually competing as DS is awful at sitting still now, last year was bad but made slightly easier as it was may half term and my partner came with us so could walk him out when he got restless.

OP posts:
Epidote · 02/02/2025 09:37

She is 21. I did not do sports but neither of my parents came to my graduation of my degree or master, or when I moved for work etc. They even couldn't give me a lift to the airport and I did not make a drama.
She needs to understand that sometimes we can't do everything we wish.
YANBU.

abricotine · 02/02/2025 09:37

I think I’d go. You’re not unreasonable for not wanting to go , but as she’s a senior, it’s the last chance. That’s possibly why she’s upset. Logistics are stopping you but I’d try to find a way round if I could.

grace2025 · 02/02/2025 09:36

It's quite a way until May still, is it possible husband can take annual leave?

HPandthelastwish · 02/02/2025 09:36

Take the 2 year old with you.

DH sorts out the 4 year old, there are plenty of teachers that have to do the school run and nip to their own school afterwards. You can get a childminder / friend / private nursery that does breakfast club and school drop offs.

If the May one is her last one you should go it's a big deal. When will her graduation be? Because you have to make time for that too

Is she intending to move back home after graduation? She is probably wondering how she fits into your new life. Does she have a bedroom waiting etc?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 02/02/2025 09:36

She could well be feeling left out, new family, new kids, mum no longer coming to watch her compete, she's wondering where she fits in your life. They're not instantly grown up at 21. Did you think to give her a heads up this was coming so she'd be mentally prepared or just last minute?

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 02/02/2025 09:35

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation or helpful at all, but IF the only thing stopping you is your 4yo at school, do they legally have to attend?

We had an important family birthday celebration when our DS was 4 and, because he wasn't yet old enough that he had to be at school, we were able to take him out for a week without any issues. The school might not have liked it, but we were perfectly within our rights.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 09:34

The issue with going and taking just my toddler is we struggle with school run. She graduates in June and I am doing that then but we have had to ask friends to help with school run for the week and it's not feasible to do it 2 times in the space of 4 weeks.

OP posts:
Bankholidayhelp · 02/02/2025 09:34

can you take both little ones with you - the four year old likely doesn't 'need' to be in school? Bit of a trek, but possible?

NigelHarmansNewWife · 02/02/2025 09:34

Do you have other family who could help for a couple of days? If that's not possible then I agree with the poster upthread that you tell her you do not love her any less, you just cannot be there in person for this.

Dollshousedolly · 02/02/2025 09:32

TickingAlongNicely · 02/02/2025 09:30

Surely when she chose to live in an another country, many hours flight away, she realised that family could not be at every occasion both financially and timewise?

She’s in college there, so may not have realised the enormity of being in living in the US at age 18. Then she had a Mum that spent a lot of time with her.

Iamoldandwearpurple · 02/02/2025 09:32

Bit you are choosing your younger children over her.

I'm not saying it's the wrong choice but it is the facts.

Do your younger children not have a father who could look after them?

She clearly wants you there. If I were you I would donwhat I could tonat least be at 1 of them.

Also assuming you are in the UK compulsory school age is the term after they turn 5 so if your eldest is 4 you camnremove from school without fines.

Msmoonpie · 02/02/2025 09:31

I don’t believe you are in the wrong in anyway.

But I can see how it might look/feel to her.

Shes 21. She’s old enough for an open and honest conversation. Tell her what you did here.