DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

Get the siblings to make a good luck banner.. Face time dd and get them to cheer her on... Even people with 2 dc to the same df have to pick 1 over the other sometimes when things clash.

You didn't prioritise her over your other children, you didn't have other children back then.

Presumably OP prioritised her over herself- the time, money and emotional cost of supporting a child in a sport to that level is high. Sure it was OPs choice, just as DD evidently chose she wanted to continue to pursue it once old enough and decided to live across the world.

Have you told her that?
Presumably as she's in America this will involve a very late/into the early morning time period and she may think you won't stay up for it.

I think the sending flowers thing is a good idea.

I’m astonished at how many people think the OP should be moving mountains at enormous cost to get there.

It is a massive ask that she’s expecting you to go the states twice within a month. Does she not realise the potential expense of that let alone the logistics with small children?

I studied abroad for a year. I came home to visit my parents but they didn’t come out to me. That seemed fairly typical of the time based on my peers. I think she is a little bit deluded re what most other families would be doing in the same circumstances. I bet she has friends from the US whose families couldn’t manage 2 flights and visits in a month.

How on earth is this ridiculous?

If you are going in June why isn't that enough for her?

Don't think many people would be "popping over" to USA a couple of times in succession!

Soo her Dad is going to the next one, no one in May & you in June.

I'm guessing there's no Gps who could go for the May one or that her dad can't swap & go in May instead?

Would she rather you not be there if you were taking the kids?

I think your explanation of why you can’t go is the part that upset her. Not fully rationally. But in her eyes the only thing stopping you being there is your younger children.

When actually, it is because there are 2 big trips to the states only 3 weeks apart. That is a huge cost. Maybe explaining that you can’t afford it will help her put this in perspective.

What are her plans post graduation - could she have some fears over this and is projecting.

Blimey! You're going out for her graduation just a few weeks later! She's been so lucky and had all the advantages, and now expects your younger kids to be disadvantaged so she can continue to be the focus?! She's 21!
Multiple trips to the US must be bankrupting you! I studied abroad, my parents came out once, and that was in Europe. She will cope.

I don't think you're unreasonable, especially as you're flying out for graduation a few weeks later, but I understand her being upset and disappointed if neither parent is going to the May competition.

You say she's got aspirations to go pro, if she's graduating in a few months is it looking likely? Or is it more likely that May is going to be the last big competition ever? She may be looking at this as you missing her final competition, rather than you just missing a competition, which will feel much bigger.

I disagree that Sporty Daughter ‘isn’t being unreasonable or spoiled’: she’s being both. She clearly doesn’t care about her ego’s carbon footprint, but isn’t the cost of the extra trips she has expected her mother to make also an issue?

I was with her until you said you are going out for her graduation 3 weeks later! I think you need to say you can only do one and not both.

Why can't her dad go to the one in may? He's going to neither that or the graduation as it stands. I bet he's not getting as much grief for it either!

She needs to get a grip a bit - presumably you are UK based so making a trip to Texas in May and then a trip to the West Coast in June is both a big expense financially and on your time. You’ve got two other children and a partner who is a teacher, you’re already going to the graduation. You’ve been supportive of her going out to a different country for college but making that decision comes with trade offs - she can’t expect you to come out for every competition and be there at the drop of a hat.

Yanbu. Don't indulge her tantrum. You gave up work and your life to ensure she pursued her dreams, remind her of that. She might be disappointed but she doesn't get to behave like a brat at her age.

This sometimes there are no right or wrongs just emotions and she is feeling this

she had 17 years of you and now others have come along and it means compromise and sharing you - just becuase she is old enough to be able to rationalise doesn’t mean she isn’t going to feel this emotions and bring it back to being younger

is there any grandparent or other relative who coild go

From her POV, when she got to the age where she wasn't "cute and dependant" you replaced her. She went from being an only child who got all your attention to being a sibling to a child she was much older than and who only half shared her DNA. And then you had another. And you no longer support her the same because of them.

It might not be intended that way (although some of your wording does sound a bit like that is partly the case) but that's how she'll see it.

Don't feel guilty about it. She's an adult, you have sacrificed a lot for her and you are going out 3 weeks later. Sometimes life is shit and we don't always get what we want. She can't always be your number one priority.

Also, it's ok to say no sometimes, you can't always make everything work for everyone all of the time. You have needs and wants too, you can't be expected to drop everything at a moments notice.

Yanbu but she isn't either to be hurt & upset. All these people saying she should grow up and stop giving a tantrum, she's not- she's young and away from home with half siblings, her feelings are valid and you can't expect her to magically know how to deal with them.

As a pp said, give her lots of reassurance. Tell her you understand how she feels, but it really isn't the case that you favour your youngest children, not being able to attend is simply and unavoidably down to logistics. You wish it wasn't. Make a big deal of your regret and do everything you can to follow the game from home. Send good luck flowers etc.

Don't tell her she's being unreasonable or spoiled, etc. She isn't, she's just young and wants her mum. We all feel crushing disappointment at times, this is where you help her through it, not berate her for natural feelings.

She can't expect you to go there for this and her graduation in quick succession.

But she's probably feeling upset still. Talk to her. Reassure her you love her no less etc

How is this ridiculous?

I have some relevant experience here - my eldest niece is also on a sports scholarship in the US (her second postgraduate year). Her parents, who used to watch her compete as much as possible in the UK, have Bern completely unable to do so since she went to the states (she has a younger sister at university here AND for work and cost reasons, it's just not possible).

My niece has absolutely no notion that they should. This is because she's an adult and understands the sacrifices they've already made for her sporting career and her education.

OP, I think your daughter needs a bit of a chat about this...

She is in college in the US. Even if you had no children it would be a big ask to expect her parents to attend her events and incur the travel costs. My parents wouldn’t have considered it.

I would just say to your DD that you are very proud of her, make the point that the support she got growing up has led to you being able to give her this incredible opportunity but that level of support isn’t sustainable, young children or not.

You love and miss her but that is one of the sacrifices when going to uni in the US and it’s part of growing up.

Elite athletes are extremely selfish , they have to be, but she needs to understand that you can’t support to the same level at this stage of your life.

She’s being selfish, maybe understandably so, but selfish all the same

Totally disagree with PPs. Of course you can't be expected to fly to the US for every competition, small dc or not. How many of those posters making you feel bad have the time and funds to do what theyre suggesting? Give her a metaphorical hug, ask her boyfriend to film it for you and move on.