DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

I love how everyone's still arguing, even though OP ducked out days ago. 😂

You're not being unreasonable in saying you are not going, however given she burst into tears (a very emotional response), it sounds like there is more going on with her feelings than just wanting you to attend the competition, and for that reason alone, I would move heaven and earth to go and spend some time with her. Especially as she's overseas and is perhaps feeling a bit lonely/unsupported.

I would either see if the younger DC Dad could somehow call in favours from friends to help/other school parents, and failing that, take the 2 youngsters with you (this would be a last resort as you won't get much time to focus on your DD if you take the little ones, knowing how little ones are!).

@Snoopdoggydog123

This gets trotted out all the time.
Absoulte BS up there with take in the ironing.

Can I ask why you think that? We've used a sitter from there a number of times when we've needed childcare during the day all day for something like this. Would cost about £80 for the day. It's very easy to organise, you just put the dates on the website. I'm not sure how it's akin to taking in the ironing?

You’re already going once this year. Thats a massive undertaking. You would be unreasonable to go to the us several times a year at her beck and call because you have other kids to think about now

I can understand how your dd is upset because once she was your only focus and of course she isn’t now. But you sacrificed so much when she was younger. She will eventually realise this. In the meantime she needs to grow up a bit.

How is it a lovely trip for a 2 year old to sit quietly for hours in the sun watching a tennis match ? Rinse and repeat for a few days if DD makes it to the final.

I can see bringing young DCs to the graduation as it's one event and the impact if DCs lose patience isn't much and can be bolt ended with trips to fun places, but DD 21 wants her DM there to support her in the competition, not to play patty-cakes with her half sibling. Imagine if the 2 year old had a tantrum - as they sometimes do when bored - at an important part of the match. What's the DM meant to do in that rather likely scenario ?

This ?

This gets trotted out all the time.
Absoulte BS up there with take in the ironing.

Hire a babysitter for 2 days. Sitters.co.uk is great for this.

You are not being unreasonable. My son (20) plays a lot of sport at uni and I haven’t been to any matches. He is an adult now, and I have a job / my own hobbies etc. He doesn’t ever expect me to go, his dad does sometimes but he enjoys the sport, and doesn’t have a dog so easier for him to travel (said dog needs meds 3 times a day).

Of course you can’t go to both. You have helped her with her dream. You can’t do it all. I can’t imagine how expensive this has all been already too.

Yes she is a bit sad. But she needs to be more mature. I have a 21y old. They would be grateful I was coming in June and not expect a May visit too.

Tell her you love her. But keep boundaries firm. She needs to grow up a bit and appreciate all you have done.

Personally I wouldn’t want a long flight with a 2 and 4 yr old and then be wrangling them whilst trying to watch your eldest perform.I can imagine it being very stressful for all concerned and I think your daughter needs to mature a bit more and realise how much you have already sacrificed for her.Her father is going to see her as well as re boyfriend and the fact you are going out there for Graduation is far more important. She doesn’t realise his lucky she is to have such a supportive Mum!

I'm just amazed that you can afford all this flying....does your dd understand the financial cost?

You are giving your younger dc exactly what you have given your dd, unconditional support.

She is being unreasonable but perhaps she needs time to adjust, she's had 20 years of it being all about her. Give her time to get use to things, reassure her that you love and support her and try not to feel guilty.

Well, it's clearly not about the tournament is it? I am sure you can find other ways to show her that she has not been replaced.

I really feel for the OP's daughter because she didn't end up on this tennis track by accident. I did sport competitively at the junior level and it is sustained and relished by a certain kind of parent who also somewhat feeds off the social life and camaraderie that is part of travelling around for training and competitions. If your parents weren't pretty into it, you weren't going to be able to progress. This is one reason why it's so hard to quit this kind of thing as a young person - your parents are so invested.

And now, both her parents have to some extent disinvested right at the very end. If it was another sport, maybe it'd be easier. You'd know for sure that there'd be other matches. But she's not getting picked up by a tennis team. She has to travel round playing matches and trying to win them, from what I understand. Honestly I find tennis very dull and couldn't even manage Infinite Jest because of it, but I know enough to see that this could be the end of this young woman's sporting journey, and her parents should feel a sense of obligation to finish what they started.

OP stated upthread that there's no wrap around care at school and no childcare for the toddler. Nurseries don't generally have space for a random child for a week. Not every area has available babysitters or childminders for a week or so.
Teachers often have to be in at 8am and school typically starts at 9am

How exactly do you propose that her husband manages to do his job when he has to be there before school starts.

Yes OP could take the 2 year old to the USA but i wouldn't say tennis is an appropriate event for a toddler, and I can't imagine the previous first born being particularly happy with her mum having to leave the tournament to change/feed/walk her youngest sibling.

Maybe eldest daughter needs to accept that she's got a parent there for at least one competition, a parent there for graduation and realise that she chose to be in the USA, and that has consequences.

It's not so extreme that there's "no room" to support her, she's still travelling across the ocean three times a year! Give op a break. Her daughter is asking too much.

And on the flip side of that.

A split, entitled 21 year-old will have to gasp play a little sport in her very privileged position she only got to because of the sacrifices her mother made.

It wouldn't 'slightly inconvenience' him, it would be a major inconvenience to him and the school he works at and the pupils he teaches.

Yea such an inconvenience he will have to sort his own dinners and laundry, will have to <gasp> put two toddlers to bed and get them up for all of three or four days in a row<unthinkable what sort of mother is she to abandon a hardworking man to do childcare>. So inconvenient too that he’d have to communicate with an afterschool babysitter that OP hires so he can not stoop to women’s work and do his very important man job with the least amount of inconvenience.

You are too funny. Taking a 10hr flight twice in four weeks “is just not feasible” lol. These are aeroplanes, not sailing ships. It’s feasible. It’s affordable as OP has said money is no object. The tournament is far enough in the future it can be planned for, it’s not like a hospital/deathbed situation where the OP would actually “drop everything” and go.

They aren’t doing their best. They’re doing what is most convenient for them. The choice that is the least hassle…ooo I’ll cheer you on over WhatsApp video!

OP's husband, DD's step-dad, is a teacher. It wouldn't 'slightly inconvenience' him, it would be a major inconvenience to him and the school he works at and the pupils he teaches. DD's own dad is going to the tournament in May and OP, DD's mum, is going to the graduation in June. Arrangements are already in place. The tournament is going to be live-streamed and OP plans to watch as much as possible of it. Meanwhile, she has the two toddlers to look after and no, it's not a great idea to take two small ones or even just one to a tennis tournament where they would have to sit still and be quiet for hours on end.

It's a pity for DD, but at 21 years old, she must surely realise her parents are doing their best to support her but there will inevitably be compromises necessary. Nothing to do with prioritising one child over another, it's just how life works out sometimes.

Are you sure it’s in Texas ? Looks like Atlanta Georgia. Maybe someone could go and FaceTime you so you can watch it live but remote ?

@Claina Could you go to the one in Feb and then the graduation in June?

I think that's what I'd try to do, even if it meant taking the younger DCs with me.

Of course it’s not unreasonable not to go - but I would not use a four year old missing school as the reason

You do not have to go. You will not always be able to be there for her matches in future and she is going to need to get used to that. It’s not about putting the other children above her, it’s about recognising that younger children have more immediate needs which require your presence, while she is now at the stage where she can be much more independent. If she is going to try to go professional, she’s going to want to build up some kind of team who can travel with her to tournaments, but at this stage, you aren’t able to be part of that.

It is hard, and it’s clear that your support is really important to her, but she needs to get used to the idea that you will be supporting from a distance a lot of the time.