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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

168 replies

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 08:21

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

OP posts:
grace2025 · 02/02/2025 09:50

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 09:29

@Zanatdy my employer knows I have my son 3 days a week, soon this will change to 2 days when I increase his nursery days. I am very lucky with the nature of my job and the flexibility that I have. They are fully aware and it does not affect my work

Can you cut days at work down? Though I guess that would impinge on mat pay etc so maybe not.
You both sound stretched especially you and taking too much on

grace2025 · 02/02/2025 09:47

From the outside perspective if you are financially ok I wouldn't do overtime when you are ill and pregnant etc especially on a Sunday. It's going to impinge on your rest time too.
He is selfish he is seeing it as your job to manage everything at home, unless this is resolved there will just be resentment and argument. Talk about it, will he do more and just divide things up as needed as they arise too?
You need to talk

HoppingPavlova · 02/02/2025 09:44

Lost me at the gender reveal. Confounded to why in the first place but doubly so when you seem to have to do additional chores for it that appear over and above with yard work, lawns and so on and which don’t fit with current schedules/capacity.

LottieMary · 02/02/2025 09:41

Honestly the survey about school readiness should explore how many are working while a child is in the home. You're not parenting

LottieMary · 02/02/2025 09:38

You don't like him on his phone but you're ok to work while also trying to do childcare?

Brefugee · 02/02/2025 09:31

Have only read the OP.
Everyone else probably said this: the kitchen cleaning isn't "for you" it is for the family. The bottle cleaning isn't for you, it's for your joint child. The garden can wait.
How couldn't he do his list while he was making his tea etc etc.

You need Women's Aid, I think

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 02/02/2025 09:31

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 09:29

@Zanatdy my employer knows I have my son 3 days a week, soon this will change to 2 days when I increase his nursery days. I am very lucky with the nature of my job and the flexibility that I have. They are fully aware and it does not affect my work

If it's not impacting your work then it must be impacting your parenting. Been there, still have the vivid nightmares.

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 09:29

@Zanatdy my employer knows I have my son 3 days a week, soon this will change to 2 days when I increase his nursery days. I am very lucky with the nature of my job and the flexibility that I have. They are fully aware and it does not affect my work

OP posts:
Iudncuewbccgrcb · 02/02/2025 09:27

Cancel the gender reveal party. Even for a first pregnancy its not that exciting for anyone other than the parents and literally no one cares by your second child.

He sounds useless but equally it also sounds like you are adding layers of unnecessary 'stuff' into the mix. Parenting a toddler and working full time is hard, virtually impossible if you are trying to do it without adequate childcare in place so I can understand why tempers are fraying and you feel like you are doing it all - you shouldn't be doing it all but there's an awful lot that you are doing that is unnecessary.

Your toddler can still have his milk in the morning but it really should be out of a cup rather than a bottle and that means less washing of bottle lids etc.

Get child care so you aren't juggling childcare and work. That is unreasonable.

Cancel the gender reveal party - takes the pressure off getting the garden done and organising a party.

Im reluctant to say cancel your overtime as extra pay in your qualifying weeks will bump up your maternity pay overall - but if its making you ill and stressed, cancel it.

I bet there's loads more 'keeping up appearances' stuff that you are expecting to happen which he doesn't care about which is adding to your annoyance at him.

It doesn't excuse his shitness and I'd be making it clear that on the non negotiables like nappy changes he steps up or ships out but perhaps also consider if there's a whole load of stuff that can be cut from the list to make life easier for both of you.

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 09:27

@StressedLP1 I have called in sick now anyway, was too much for me. I can't work anywhere else due to the nature of what I do and the office is closed on weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 09:26

@StillweriseLH unfortunately I had to come off of my implant for medical reasons, I was on contraception from when my first was born up until it was removed in August 2024. Before my first born I was on contraception for 9 years. I could of chose to have an abortion but I just don't agree with it

OP posts:
StressedLP1 · 02/02/2025 09:25

Can you go to a library to do the overtime? Then your H will have no option but to step up with your DC. It sounds like like he might just plonk him in front of the TV while he scrolls on his phone but at least you’ll get your work done.

Doggymummar · 02/02/2025 09:22

You lost me at gender reveal party. He seems to think you live in some social media world where everything is just so. Just tell him to get his act together, Make a chart of chores like you would for a child and put it on the kitchen wall. He can mark them off as he goes. And get some childcare,

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 09:20

@toomuchfaff it's booked a week in advance. I have just logged off anyway and called to say I won't be doing overtime, a bit too much for me today I think! Would be different if I had a bit more support maybe

OP posts:
Seagullsandclouds · 02/02/2025 09:17

Sending a hug. You must feel quite trapped and scared. It’s definitely him that is the problem. He is completely taking advantage of you.

simple facts:

  • he is not stepping up to parent his child
  • he is not pulling his weight with even simple chores
  • he is manipulating you financially (by setting up the idea that he “pays the bills” and your job is unimportant)
Bigfellabamboo · 02/02/2025 09:11

He's a lazy shit and you're putting up with it and thus allowing with.

DaisyChain505 · 02/02/2025 09:10

So you had one children with a useless manchild and thought it would be a good idea to make life even harder for yourself by having a second…..Congrats.

pelargoniums · 02/02/2025 09:08

He will never, ever change. I would start getting ducks in a row to leave as soon as you can, whether that means cutting maternity short with the next baby, moving back with parents, whatever – anything to avoid another accidental pregnancy. You already do everything anyway. You’ll need full-time childcare if you’re working full-time, I don’t know how you’ve got away with it this long!

AdeptQuail · 02/02/2025 09:08

You have only yourself to blame. He has previously shown you what he's like, yet you are breeding with him again. Your poor children.

StillweriseLH · 02/02/2025 09:07

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 08:57

Just for those asking why am I having a second baby with this man.... the baby wasn't planned, I considered abortion but could not go through with it and my sister even told me not to as it would kill me forever and I don't think I could live with myself if I done that. I am happy to be a single parent of two if that's what it results to. As much as I would hate that as I am from a broken family and never ever wanted this for my children, I think I have just hung on for as long as I can because I don't want a broken family and just hoped that he would change.

As for those saying my son shouldn't be having bottles, he asks for milk every morning and I'm fine with that, it's just his little routine that starts his day :)

Mumsnet has a terrifyingly high rate of contraception failures, doesn’t it? Far and above manufacturers research would indicate.

the thing is, your home IS broken. This is not working, is it? You’re working whilst being responsible for a child, which I can’t imagine your employer is remotely happy about, you’re a live in maid to your husband, you’re ill and he doesn’t care enough to help, you’ve got a child he isn’t interested in parenting. That seems pretty broken don’t you think?

OrangeSlices998 · 02/02/2025 09:05

OP you already have 2 children, a toddler & a pathetic man baby who apparently needs to be told to change his son’s nappy. Honestly leave, this is never ever going to change. He isn’t stupid he knows how the clothes get clean and the dishes he just doesn’t care enough to step up. You’ll be happier as a single parent!

toomuchfaff · 02/02/2025 09:00

Aside from the uselessness prick of a husband.

I am working overtime today 9am-2pm.... I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.

Why did you book overtime, when your ill?

You're not making your situation any better by adding stress into the mix, as well as putting stress into your worklife when you've got a toddler, pregnancy and a useless husband.

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 08:57

Just for those asking why am I having a second baby with this man.... the baby wasn't planned, I considered abortion but could not go through with it and my sister even told me not to as it would kill me forever and I don't think I could live with myself if I done that. I am happy to be a single parent of two if that's what it results to. As much as I would hate that as I am from a broken family and never ever wanted this for my children, I think I have just hung on for as long as I can because I don't want a broken family and just hoped that he would change.

As for those saying my son shouldn't be having bottles, he asks for milk every morning and I'm fine with that, it's just his little routine that starts his day :)

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 02/02/2025 08:51

How can you get all that stuff done when apparently working from home? Unfair on your employer and your child to have him at home when you’re working. And yes, he is still a selfish arse.

Zonder · 02/02/2025 08:51

Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/02/2025 08:37

Can you clean the kitchen for me? Who made it your job?

Yes. The wording needs to be "The kitchen needs cleaning while I'm working."

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