Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

168 replies

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 08:21

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

OP posts:
MildredSauce · 02/02/2025 11:02

Lots of things that need to be better @Motherof1and2dogs starting with communication with your pillocky sounding DH and some better ground rules, going forward.

Also, sorting your priorities. You've said in the past you suffer from anxiety. It's been a rough pregnancy so far. You don't work effectively as you juggle your two year old with responsibilities. You've got your mum living in an unrenovated shed in a home you've only just moved into and you're not sure about planning permission with neighbours are complaining.

But it's all about a gender reveal party in a month's time? Come on!

SecretSoul · 02/02/2025 11:00

StillweriseLH · 02/02/2025 09:07

Mumsnet has a terrifyingly high rate of contraception failures, doesn’t it? Far and above manufacturers research would indicate.

the thing is, your home IS broken. This is not working, is it? You’re working whilst being responsible for a child, which I can’t imagine your employer is remotely happy about, you’re a live in maid to your husband, you’re ill and he doesn’t care enough to help, you’ve got a child he isn’t interested in parenting. That seems pretty broken don’t you think?

Show quote history

There’s about a quarter of a million terminations each year in England and Wales, plus the unplanned pregnancies where the woman opts to continue with the pregnancy. Thats a lot of potential contraception failures.

The manufacturer stats you’re probably referring to are the 99% effective stats? The reality is that people aren’t perfect and that means that the probable effectiveness is lowered quite considerably. The NHS typical effectiveness stats paint a very different picture.

Or in my case, I was prescribed the mini-pill but not told it’s less effective if you’re overweight (which I was at the time). I took it meticulously. Boom. Fell pregnant with twins. There are plenty of women who fall pregnant when they’re on contraception. It’s really, really not a failsafe. And it doesn’t take much to reduce the effectiveness considerably.

So bearing in mind all of that, it’s hardly surprising that within a large community of (mainly) women, we hear quite a few stories of contraceptive failure.

AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!
AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!
LeticiaMorales · 02/02/2025 11:00

I cannot believe the number of threads that there are on here about men who are not only lazy and selfish husbands, but also take no responsibility for their own children's needs. It's so depressing.

LeticiaMorales · 02/02/2025 10:59

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 08:57

Just for those asking why am I having a second baby with this man.... the baby wasn't planned, I considered abortion but could not go through with it and my sister even told me not to as it would kill me forever and I don't think I could live with myself if I done that. I am happy to be a single parent of two if that's what it results to. As much as I would hate that as I am from a broken family and never ever wanted this for my children, I think I have just hung on for as long as I can because I don't want a broken family and just hoped that he would change.

As for those saying my son shouldn't be having bottles, he asks for milk every morning and I'm fine with that, it's just his little routine that starts his day :)

What you don't want for your children is to be in this environment. He is rude, lazy and entitled. I agree with pp who say he has "weaponised incompetence".
Cancel the "gender reveal". When the toddler is asleep have a forthright conversation about your situation, and what needs to change.

peachystormy · 02/02/2025 10:57

toomuchfaff · 02/02/2025 08:37

So you posted before and everyone told you he was a useless prick, and now you're posting again?

Has anything changed? Did he vow to not be a useless prick?

Thing is, 10,000 people can tell you someone is useless, but unless that person themselves decides they need to change, it won't make a single iota difference. That's where you are. If he's not committed to changing then he's always going to be a useless unhelpful prick.

What you need to decide is - is that ok with you (carry on), or not (dont carry on).

This.

LeticiaMorales · 02/02/2025 10:55

Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/02/2025 08:37

Can you clean the kitchen for me? Who made it your job?

This. He doesn't clean the kitchen for you.
It's a family space.
You're going to have to do something because you've got another baby on the way and you're going to go under.

RoWTok · 02/02/2025 10:55

I have called in sick now anyway, was too much for me.
They are fully aware and it does not affect my work

Clearly it does affect your work as you have called in sick!

Bearole · 02/02/2025 10:41

AdeptQuail · 02/02/2025 09:08

You have only yourself to blame. He has previously shown you what he's like, yet you are breeding with him again. Your poor children.

What a very unpleasant choice of words? Bet friends are beating your door down to get your words of wisdom when they have a life problem 🤣

YouFreakingFreaks · 02/02/2025 10:39

If your child has just one bottle a day and you have more than one bottle, why is the sink filled with used bottles? That’s a bit gross because it suggests no cleaning for a number of days…

if he isn’t helping at all op, and you are overwhelmed with the amount of cleaning, getting rid of him would mean one less person to clean up after.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 02/02/2025 10:37

Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/02/2025 08:37

Can you clean the kitchen for me? Who made it your job?

Exactly!

@Motherof1and2dogs stop saying "can you clean the kitchen for me?" as if he is doing you a favour.

If he can't see things for himself with his own two eyes and you feel he needs a spoken prompt, try framing it differently - "the kitchen needs cleaning and DC needs dressing - which one do you want to do?"

Caravaggiouch · 02/02/2025 10:36

You cannot work while looking after a 2 year old without failing at one of the tasks. He obviously should not be letting you be in this position and you’re allowing all of it to happen, especially by having a second baby with him.

pinkdelight · 02/02/2025 10:33

C'mon, we're past calling this kinda shit 'old fashioned'. How old is he? If he's the younger side of 60 he knows damn well that parenting should be equal (edit to say - and tbf good men knew anyway - my dad was blue collar, born in 1940s and still pulled his weight domestically and then some). He's just lazy and you've bought into it being your job. In a way, YABU to expect him to be anything other than the lazy sexist selfish pig he's always been. Having another baby with him is the thing least likely to make him change. This is him. The question is what can you do to change what you do and will put up with?

YABU to not have childcare on your working days and just 'juggle', that's so bad, Also cringing at gender reveal party. But beyond that, you know the truth about him and were told it before. How you deal with it going forwards is up to you.

MountainMomma26 · 02/02/2025 10:26

Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/02/2025 08:37

Can you clean the kitchen for me? Who made it your job?

Yes - I don’t ge5 this clean the kitchen “for me”

it’s not for you. He’s an adult and a father living in the house he’s not doing you a favour!

Lilactimes · 02/02/2025 10:25

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 02/02/2025 09:27

Cancel the gender reveal party. Even for a first pregnancy its not that exciting for anyone other than the parents and literally no one cares by your second child.

He sounds useless but equally it also sounds like you are adding layers of unnecessary 'stuff' into the mix. Parenting a toddler and working full time is hard, virtually impossible if you are trying to do it without adequate childcare in place so I can understand why tempers are fraying and you feel like you are doing it all - you shouldn't be doing it all but there's an awful lot that you are doing that is unnecessary.

Your toddler can still have his milk in the morning but it really should be out of a cup rather than a bottle and that means less washing of bottle lids etc.

Get child care so you aren't juggling childcare and work. That is unreasonable.

Cancel the gender reveal party - takes the pressure off getting the garden done and organising a party.

Im reluctant to say cancel your overtime as extra pay in your qualifying weeks will bump up your maternity pay overall - but if its making you ill and stressed, cancel it.

I bet there's loads more 'keeping up appearances' stuff that you are expecting to happen which he doesn't care about which is adding to your annoyance at him.

It doesn't excuse his shitness and I'd be making it clear that on the non negotiables like nappy changes he steps up or ships out but perhaps also consider if there's a whole load of stuff that can be cut from the list to make life easier for both of you.

Agree with this too @Motherof1and2dogs cancel the gender reveal!!
put budget towards a cleaner and sort house out. Buy a dishwasher if you haven’t got one with the party budget!! And put toddler cups and / or bottles straight in dishwasher - it’s prob healthier than handwashing unless they’re very young.
Doesnt alter fact he sounds awful x

ManchesterPie · 02/02/2025 10:21

As soon as I read gender reveal, I stopped reading.

mommatoone · 02/02/2025 10:18

'He is very old fashioned' = misogynistic , lazy bastard.

Lilactimes · 02/02/2025 10:17

He sounds selfish and a complete jerk. You sound runoff your feet. I always try and see both sides of relationship stories but FFS you are growing a whole new human inside you whilst doing everything else!!!
If you were on your own - you would still be doing everything but without feeling annoyed with someone else… I know which I’d prefer.

Lilactimes · 02/02/2025 10:17

He sounds selfish and a complete jerk. You sound runoff your feet. I always try and see both sides of relationship stories but FFS you are growing a whole new human inside you whilst doing everything else!!!
If you were on your own - you would still be doing everything but without feeling annoyed with someone else… I know which I’d prefer.

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/02/2025 10:13

So now you have given in and called in sick which actually just enables his behaviour.

Go out op. Take the time for yourself and let him get on without you there.

He's awful. I know you said contraception failure but how you can want to have sex with such a person in the first place is beyond me.

MammaTo · 02/02/2025 10:08

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible.

This makes no sense, he doesn’t pay all the bills. He doesn’t pay for the food shop or holidays. If he wants an old fashioned setup, he can provide like an old fashioned husband.

But that point aside he sounds like an arsehole, you’re pregnant and already have a child with him. The only thing I can suggest is to leave him and start a fresh without such a horrible man.

alwayslearning789 · 02/02/2025 10:00

Long way to change for this man... Was a lone parent so others will be better placed to advise how to deal with man conversion:

However in the meantime, you are going to have to help yourself, so some suggestions for you to think about:

  • Exert boundaries and not do overtime over the weekend as you cannot with childcare responsibilities in these circumstances
  • Pay for help, cleaner once a week will help immensely - yes I know, an extra cost but You Need it and he's not pitching in, so it is a family cost now.
  • You already do nursery during the week which is great.
  • Finally - Treat Yourself as an important person too in this - You don't have to wait for him to do it.

You are working so you have some agency and independence to bring changes from the money you bring into the pot. Best Wishes

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/02/2025 09:55

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 09:27

@StressedLP1 I have called in sick now anyway, was too much for me. I can't work anywhere else due to the nature of what I do and the office is closed on weekends.

So is he out in the garden ????
He best be working hard then .

OP why don’t you go out for the day ?
Do you have a friend or family member close by that you could go to theirs out your feet up and chat and drink tea with today . ( child free)

Id leave him too it . He is making it difficult for you to work and won’t do anything !!!
who is the higher earner? Do you see his full pay check . Or does he pain minimum and cause you stress while you try to earn.

I am genuinely so angry for you

betterchoices · 02/02/2025 09:54

MinnieBalloon · 02/02/2025 08:39

Why did you think he would help you?

You were foolish to have one baby with this man, never mind two. He won’t change.

Your 2 year old should also not be having bottles - they should be off bottles by the age of 1.

I knew there would be a comment about the bottle ffs it’s not the end of the world for a 2 year old to have a bottle. My dc were all 3.5 when they gave up bottles and they had perfect teeth and speech and no lasting problems at all.

PlanningTowns · 02/02/2025 09:54

Clearly you aren’t a partnership. If your child has just one bottle a day and you have more than one bottle, why is the sink filled with used bottles? That’s a bit gross because it suggests no cleaning for a number of days… if you have a dishwasher why can’t they go in there? Between the two of you - as a team, little and often is better than the overwhelming nature of a massive mess. You need that discussion, you need to be clear with him that his constant moaning puts the pressure on you because who else is he thinking will do it? Communicate with him.

also why on earth are you working overtime at 17 weeks pregnant? No I will reframe - why do you need a big gender reveal in a garden that needs work and you appear to need to do overtime to facilitate? Bonkers. This isn’t helping your situation at all. Use the money to get a cleaner if that is what is causing you both stress.

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/02/2025 09:51

@Motherof1and2dogs i read 1/4 through as I remember your other post about a week ago if I am right?

Are you here asking if you are right or wrong ? Is that all you are asking ?
Do you plan to sit this horrible man down and tell
him he straightens up fast or to leave ?

Id tell him he changes days or leaves.
You will have less mental load less mess less cost.

He sounds like a nasty spoilt selfish child

You need to end it or accept this is who he is if he isn’t going to man up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread