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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

168 replies

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 08:21

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

OP posts:
MinnieBalloon · 02/02/2025 14:27

WanderingDreamingSpires · 02/02/2025 14:24

Way to kick a struggling woman while she's down!

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Pussyfooting around doesn’t help anyone, and burying her head in the sand over the dangers to her child isn’t safe or healthy.

WanderingDreamingSpires · 02/02/2025 14:24

MinnieBalloon · 02/02/2025 12:12

Why does anyone need to tell you?

Your mum doing it and you “being fine” does not make it okay.

Bottles are recommended to be gone by the age of 1 because it is bad for their oral development, their teeth, their speech and language etc.

I have never even given a bottle, have exclusively breastfed two children, and even I know this without googling it.

And for the love of god don’t give your young kid tea ffs 🤦‍♀️

I hope you’re aware of the other changes in child development, health and safety and aren’t just blindly following what your mum did. For example, ERF, safe sleep etc.

Show quote history

Way to kick a struggling woman while she's down!

WigglyVonWaggly · 02/02/2025 14:24

He’s not really a father or a partner, is he, OP? He’s a financial contributor to the household.

gangstasquirrel · 02/02/2025 14:22

MinnieBalloon · 02/02/2025 14:21

Of course he would drink from a cup if that was the only option 🤦‍♀️

It should also be noted milk isn’t actually necessary at this age, and anecdotal evidence and the “I was fine” culture is both irrelevant and damaging.

It isn’t about being strict or judgemental, it’s about keeping your child safe and healthy. Any loving mother should want to do that.

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Spot on @MinnieBalloon

MinnieBalloon · 02/02/2025 14:21

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 13:45

@gangstasquirrel read one of my replies... my mum in the 90s when times weren't so strict and people weren't so judgemental, she literally put 2 teaspoons of her milky teas into my milk up until I was around 4 as I enjoyed it and was my comfort. I'm almost 31 years old, had a very tough upbringing as my last post so I'm not going to cry over the fact I used to have the smallest amount of tea in my milk.
I don't have any health issues and am very healthy, but just to clarify I don't give my son tea! I just said my mum used to give me this in a beaker when I was younger to explain to people that I still drunk from a beaker at age 4 and have no problems with my teeth or development. As for my son having milk in a bottle, I didn't ask for any advice regarding this. He enjoys his bottle, he won't drink it from a cup.

Of course he would drink from a cup if that was the only option 🤦‍♀️

It should also be noted milk isn’t actually necessary at this age, and anecdotal evidence and the “I was fine” culture is both irrelevant and damaging.

It isn’t about being strict or judgemental, it’s about keeping your child safe and healthy. Any loving mother should want to do that.

unsync · 02/02/2025 14:20

He doesn't seem to care enough about you to make an effort and step up to his responsibilities. This is unlikely to change and will probably get worse. You will end up running yourself ragged after the children and him.

Is this what you want from your life? It strikes me that you have some thinking to do about what kind of future you want and a decision to make.

caringcarer · 02/02/2025 14:19

Penguinmouse · 02/02/2025 08:38

Why on earth are you having a second child with this lazy clown? Women don’t inherently know more about raising a child than men, the idea of “you didn’t tell me to change his nappy” (you have a TWO year old, you will have changed thousands of nappies by this point) is just weaponised incompetence.

This. He won't change because he doesn't think caring for a child or cleaning up is his work. He thinks it's women's work. You call him traditional I call him selfish

Shubbypubby · 02/02/2025 14:18

Please don't have any more children with this man.

Lanzarotelady · 02/02/2025 14:16

Is anyone actually on your side OP and working with you?
I can't see what any of them bring to the table if I am honest

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 13:45

@gangstasquirrel read one of my replies... my mum in the 90s when times weren't so strict and people weren't so judgemental, she literally put 2 teaspoons of her milky teas into my milk up until I was around 4 as I enjoyed it and was my comfort. I'm almost 31 years old, had a very tough upbringing as my last post so I'm not going to cry over the fact I used to have the smallest amount of tea in my milk.
I don't have any health issues and am very healthy, but just to clarify I don't give my son tea! I just said my mum used to give me this in a beaker when I was younger to explain to people that I still drunk from a beaker at age 4 and have no problems with my teeth or development. As for my son having milk in a bottle, I didn't ask for any advice regarding this. He enjoys his bottle, he won't drink it from a cup.

OP posts:
MildredSauce · 02/02/2025 13:45

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 13:40

@2JFDIYOLO to go into detail my mum wasn't the issue. I grew up with an abusive dad who I no longer see, haven't seen him since I was 4, to then having a step dad who was the loveliest man ever and I still see him to this day but he was an alcoholic, to then my mum being with a narcissist who took cocaine daily - she only left him 2 years ago, her recent divorce was one of the reasons for us moving in together. I lived at home with mum mum until I got my first flat 4 years ago so it's a lot of abuse, screaming, arguing etc that I have had to grow up with. I think this is one reason why I let my husband get away with so much, because I do see it as "he isn't the worst in the world", but I do know he could be doing so much and that I sometimes deserve more.

But my mum helps where she can but I don't expect her to do too much, she's had a hard life, we moved her in for many reasons, one being that she has 0 bills to pay so what little money she gets, it's hers to go and live the life she never had and make up for lost time. She's also disabled, not majorly, but has days where she isn't as good as others. She has something called fibromyalgia which is very up and down. I could never rely on my mums help due to her condition and she made it clear that she wasn't going to be giving up her life to help me which I understand. Unfortunately my husbands mother is useless and his dad lives 4 hours away so support and help is very limited.

she made it clear that she wasn't going to be giving up her life to help me

But she's taking living rent free and bill free from the age of 58. Nice one, mum!

@Motherof1and2dogs I really thing you need to dig deep and find your spine and your anger x

Bestfootforward11 · 02/02/2025 13:42

Just some quick thoughts. This sounds hard and you are trying your best in all of this. I think that when you try to talk to someone about an issue and they repeatedly don’t want to listen and/or change, you’ve hit a wall. So the options are to put up with it or make a change yourself ie leave. I understand the worry about your children and the idea of a broken home but I don’t think your DH brings any positive energy to the house. Children pick up on marital dynamic and may seek that out later because it’s familiar. It sounds like your DH’s behaviour is ongoing and unkind. I think better out than in. Best wishes

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 13:40

@2JFDIYOLO to go into detail my mum wasn't the issue. I grew up with an abusive dad who I no longer see, haven't seen him since I was 4, to then having a step dad who was the loveliest man ever and I still see him to this day but he was an alcoholic, to then my mum being with a narcissist who took cocaine daily - she only left him 2 years ago, her recent divorce was one of the reasons for us moving in together. I lived at home with mum mum until I got my first flat 4 years ago so it's a lot of abuse, screaming, arguing etc that I have had to grow up with. I think this is one reason why I let my husband get away with so much, because I do see it as "he isn't the worst in the world", but I do know he could be doing so much and that I sometimes deserve more.

But my mum helps where she can but I don't expect her to do too much, she's had a hard life, we moved her in for many reasons, one being that she has 0 bills to pay so what little money she gets, it's hers to go and live the life she never had and make up for lost time. She's also disabled, not majorly, but has days where she isn't as good as others. She has something called fibromyalgia which is very up and down. I could never rely on my mums help due to her condition and she made it clear that she wasn't going to be giving up her life to help me which I understand. Unfortunately my husbands mother is useless and his dad lives 4 hours away so support and help is very limited.

OP posts:
fatherfurlong · 02/02/2025 13:39

Your husband is lazy, put your foot down.
Re: bottles for your son. My son was drinking out of cups by 3 but had a bottle last thing at night till he was 5 as he couldn’t break the habit and it was a comfort to him and as he was using a cup most of the time it didn’t bother me. The bottles disappeared the first play date he had when a friend he’d made at school came round and saw the bottles on the draining board and asked if he still drank out of a bottle? He said they ‘my Mum’s friend has a baby and she left them accidentally”. I stayed schtum. After his friend went home my son put the bottles in the bin himself. His teeth are perfect!

gangstasquirrel · 02/02/2025 13:23

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 12:06

@MinnieBalloon sorry I didn't know any of this. I used to drink milk and then went onto a very very weak tea from a bottle up to the age of 4 and my teeth are absolutely fine. It was my comfort for years. I didn't think this was an issue, no one told me anything before about no bottles and it's not something I would have thought to google as I am just going by things my mum done for me

Please tell me you understand, without having to google, that you can not give tea in a bottle to a child.

gangstasquirrel · 02/02/2025 13:19

MinnieBalloon · 02/02/2025 12:00

Nobody said he shouldn’t have milk. He shouldn’t have bottles.

He can drink milk from a cup just fine and your “little routine” will be the same.

You’re “fine with that” because you don’t want the tantrum or the effort of switching the milk into something else, so instead you’re happy for his teeth to be at risk and his oral development to be delayed.

Show quote history

This. Lazy way out and not in the child’s best interest.

2JFDIYOLO · 02/02/2025 13:18

Re your mum -

It does seem that you didn't get the best childhood & upbringing yourself.

I see she's basically moved in?

Is she able to do childcare, housekeeping, contribute to household expenses etc, to relieve some of the burden on you?

Or does she expect to be an additional burden herself?

Lozzq · 02/02/2025 13:14

Hey OP, just want to say you are doing an amazing job and it doesn’t sound easy. Ignore some of the judging mums about the bottles, it will be fine. Your husband’s behaviour is weaponised incompetence and completely unacceptable. I would be raging. I think it would be good to nip this in the bud before child 2 comes along. At this point couples councilling could be an option. Stay strong and to reiterate you are being a great mum for your kids!!

SquashedSquid · 02/02/2025 13:13

What a horrible, waste of space man. Poor kids.

He'll have to learn how to look after his own children pretty soon, when he's having them on the weekends after you kick him out.

MildredSauce · 02/02/2025 13:07

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 12:23

@MildredSauce 100% me, I hate to say No. I've always been too kind and too forgiving.
I think a lot of it is to do with my upbringing and what I went through potentially. I am a huge softy with a lot of emotion. I'm clinging onto a family that I never had as a child. But I do want an easy life and I am a people pleaser no doubt, but I know I'm not getting an easy life and I can be my own worst enemy

You're just a few months into living in a multi generational household with your mum in an (non self contained) annexe.

how does she support the fanily she has been invited to live with and what does she say to how you're being treated and how you're acting?

Original poster
Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 13:05

@gangstasquirrel obviously not, but every time something happens, we argue, we talk, he says he will change, then it happens again. It's a big thing for me to consider a divorce, being a single mum, lots of big change, I just want to be sure it's the right thing to do. I'm clinging on to something so have always wanted, a family, I am so desperate to keep trying but is it even worth my time. I feel very lost to say the least and just need some advice and guidance. That's all

OP posts:
Emanwenym · 02/02/2025 13:02

Am I overreacting by getting a bit upset over this | Mumsnet
but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

It's not help, it's stepping up and behaving like a parent.

gangstasquirrel · 02/02/2025 13:01

You are obviously fine living like this, because you keep posting but never do anything about it (except getting pregnant again).

It’s your life. Good luck.

Onlycoffee · 02/02/2025 12:44

Motherof1and2dogs · 02/02/2025 11:09

@MammaTo so he pays the high bills like mortgage, gas, water etc, but I suppose food shopping is still classed as a bill. It does cost me around £400 a month which is a lot and I don't earn as much as him. I also have my own bills to pay such as car, some debt, and a few other small bills, hence why I need to overtime to help some more. He always hits me with "without me you would be screwed" because of how much he pays compared to me

Without you he would be screwed!

You are doing the vast majority of housework, childcare and lifradmin for him and your whole family.

Don't let him convince you of this, you would actually be better of without him but I can't see him managing looking after the children even EOW.

2JFDIYOLO · 02/02/2025 12:26

OP, please take a week off sick. You're sick. You're recovering from a viral infection. You can't speak properly. You're pregnant. You're exhausted. (Do they know this at work?)

If your manager is approachable, ask for a 1-1 when you get back and confide in them. We can't know what your work culture is - I hope it's supportive. How does maternity leave work there?

If evidence is necessary, could you call the GP first thing tomorrow and ask for a sick note? Do these exist??

Your health is vital. Take a pause, to rest, recover - and think.

Now you've cleared your week, time to see more clearly.

Do that review of everything you do and have that conversation with him.

See what changes can be made that will make life easier. Maybe making that shift to cups for your toddler would be wise, as has been advised here.

Get an appointment with a solicitor who does free / reasonable short consultations and find out your rights from the law's point of view, rather than have him try to influence you.

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