To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

I think it’s unfair to plan it but sometimes events mean that a particular school is right for that child. Know two families where the second child struggled with friendships / mental health etc so was moved to private early secondary. The older siblings in both cases are cheerful lovely girls who were happy at their perfectly decent comps and didn’t want to move themselves, Neither older girl is resentful as they witnessed the reasoning for their sibling needing the money spent on them.

I'm not a fan in general of private education and am glad I was able to go to a good state school. The exception to what the OP argues for me would be if one child had special needs which the local state schools could not cater for adequately. Not right, but unlikely to change soon in some cases.

I think the benefits of private school from an academic standpoint only come into their own as children reach secondary school. I would wait and send both to good state schools until age 11 (start of secondary) or even 14 (start of GCSEs). Presumably that would cost the same or even less than sending one for his / her entire schooling.

This will be very hard to comprehend before having them but children can be vastly different. On the surface of it no it’s really not ok to send one and not the other if they both want to go and both would benefit from being there even if the benefit is different. For example I wouldn’t say it’s ok to send one because they are smarter and want to be a neurosurgeon but not the other because they are creative and want to be a hairdresser because otherwise you’re attributing a very clear bias towards ‘success’ and will likely ruin forever your relationship with your kids.

But… they might not all want to go, one may prefer to go to the local with their friends if you’re only doing secondary or (this happened to us actually) one may have special needs that renders them unsuitable for private education. You really cannot expect that other circumstances won’t occur, we certainly never thought there would be this level of disparity between our two but here we are.

It’s a gamble, but you have to be willing to accept that if they are both inclined and capable you will have to offer a both or neither approach. If that’s not possible then don’t have more!

I bet your husband was privately educated. I've noticed those who went to private schools and loved the experience want it for their children, those like me who hated it, want to save lots of money and have their children at state schools. For me it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, the bullying was another level. Teaching wasn't that great either.

I’m not in this position but I’d imagine anyone considering this would need to think long & hard about the practicalities as well as the emotional implications.

• School days of different lengths. School day at our local prep is 7.45 to 4pm. Most kids then stay until 5/6pm for clubs, and some arrive at 6.30am for swimming. The local state primaries are 9am to 3pm (also with wrap around care on offer but school day is definitely shorter).
• Longer/shorter school holidays. Local prep has 9 weeks holiday over the summer and 4 weeks for both Easter and Christmas. And the dates often differ from the state school holidays.
• Facilities. Our local private secondary has its own swimming pool, sports stadium, theatre, dance studios, fencing studio, stables, on-site zoo (!?)… The state secondaries have nothing of the sort and here 3 schools have to share a sports field which is also open to the public and poorly maintained.
• Ethos/attitude. Our private secondary has banned mobile phones, has a super strict uniform policy and basically exists to get kids into Oxbridge/Harvard/MIT. By design our local comprehensive (no grammar schools here) cannot have the same ethos because they are catering for and meeting the needs of a wider range of children. I’m not saying one is better than the other (no skin in the game) but entirely different set-ups.

Lots to consider alongside the feelings of the DCs involved.

I don’t think it’s unfair to send children to different schools if it’s the right school for the child. But I do think it’s unfair if it’s because you couldn’t afford to offer both children the same school.

Sounds like financially, you should stick to one child and hower them with as much as you can.
Sending one to private school with the privileges it confers, without giving all siblings the same is a recipe for disaster.

OP one thing to consider about attending private schools is that the fees are just one aspect of the financial burden. There are the ski trips, exchanges, tours, uniforms to pay for. Then there are the things that everyone else has that your DC may want to keep up with their peers- clothes, phones, holidays. I say this as someone whose parents saved to send us to private school but couldn’t afford any of the above and it always made me feel different and poor. We joke about it now but it has left me with a bit of a complex about keeping up as an adult.

I think you’re better off moving to where they can go to excellent state schools. My kids state primary offers more ( not in sport) than the prep school we attended.
In the area I live lots of people move house for schools.

Your DH attitude is a real issue here. There are circumstances where you might send children to different schools but that depends on the child. You'd be better to save aggressively and send them both to private in year 7. Year 9 they'll find it hard to catch up, unless you can find a state school that will teach Latin, a variety of sports, split sciences etc.

This could lead to all sorts of problems between the siblings and one might feel the less favoured. This could affect your relationship with that child for life. Especially if the one privately educated is more successful (which may be coincidence). I would either send both to state or find a way to send both private. Or have just the one child.

The only time I think there should be a difference is if there is a special reason for a child to go to a particular school. We actually moved one of ours from private to state due to a specialised program that suited their special interest for a career pathway. One went to a specialised very exclusive private school for the same reason - a specialised program in a particular field. In neither case were they treated differently due to affordability, just what was best for each child.

There is a big difference here between opportunity and what actually happens. As pp have demonstrated, different children will suit different learning environments - private, state, large, small, single sex, co-ed etc.

You’re not going to know what that is for a good few years so need to work on the assumption that you can give both the same, even if one doesn’t need it.

I also think opinions on schooling are very much based on individual experiences - I grew up in the Home Counties in an area where the state schools were generally very good. DH, on the other hand was in an area where state schools were struggling and so went to private school (on the back of an assisted place, mind). Our first real disagreement - waaay before any kids was about his insistence that his future children would have to go to private schools, whilst I thought it had to be the right school for the child. But then I have experience of a ‘good’ state systems. Is there any way that could be impacting his thoughts?

ETA: Now that we’re starting to think about secondary for DC, I’m actually pushing for private and DH for the local comp!!!

All schools and all children are different and private isn't always by definition better, there are some crap private schools and some that are great so long as you are the right personality type and learning profile but terrible if you aren't a good fit. The same can be said of state schools.

Your subsequent child(ren) don't exist yet, and aren't guaranteed and your existing child is not even school age yet so no need to stress yet. You should do the best you can for your existing child(ren) at any given point in time but don't sacrifice the wellbeing of an existing child to save up for a potential future child who isn't yet conceived. I agree with you that with multiple children you need to consider their needs equally, but I don't think you shoul expect the same school will be best for every child and I don't think you should balance the needs of future potential children equally with those of a real existing child. Send your child to the most appropriate childcare/preschool/reception class that suits their and your needs, state or private. If you get pregnant again you may change things, thats ok. If you could afford to send once DC to private from yR to Y13 then you could probably manage to do state till y5 then private y6-y11 at least for both by saving up the fees, just no need to start saving until you have a 12 week scan and know that #2 is definitely en route.

If you want to go private and can only afford to send one then don't have more kids. It would be grossly unfair to spend that Level of money on one child only.

That's a pretty sweeping generalisation. . My DS was bullied relentlessly at primary because he didn't like sport, or more specifically football. He liked to study. For him it was all about science.

I moved him to a private senior to get him away from the football obsessed bullies and now he's a happy gym-going science & maths sixth former.

Much more important to look at the needs and passions of the individual child.

You shouldn't have another child if your DH has made it very clear that all the resources will be directed towards your DD.

He is already planning to to discriminate between his two children which could lead to life-long resentment. He sounds pretty awful tbh.

If dc 2 isn't even conceived yet, you can't possibly know what education will suit each child. But there are plenty of contexts where private is not better, especially if you are in an area with good state schools.

Deciding whether or not you and DH both want a second child seems like the biggest issue right now.

I understand him wanting to do the best for his current child because he cannot yet imagine a second child.

I think the best you can suggest is to plan for both to go to private senior school, and start saving now. That will make him feel like he is being proactive. Also it is much easier to find a good state primary.

By the time decisions must be made, he will be equally besotted with dc1 and dc2. You will be 7 years into saving, a further 7 years into careers and mortgage, and you will both be able to make an informed decision.

If you then decide private education for two is unaffordable, you have a university fund already set up, or a fund for cars and driving lessons etc.

As a blanket rule it’s not unreasonable. But your DH’s particular plan is unreasonable, yes.

We have our DC in a mix of state and private (and none have/are certain to stay in one type of school or the other the whole way through), but the difference is that we’ve chosen the best school for each child at each stage and we haven’t chosen anything for one that we couldn’t offer to the others if it were the right fit for them. And for the DC who are in state school we’re able to pay for additional enrichment and extra-curriculars. We haven’t chosen one child to allocate more of our resources to (which is what your DH is suggesting), we’ve just used our resources differently for each child.

In your situation I would stay in state and set some budget for enrichment. Once your family is complete you can look at your finances and see if you can include private options in your selection at secondary and 16+ for both/all of your DC (again, only if that particular school is the best fit) or should stick to state with some supplementation.

And the idea that private must mean a better education is unfounded nonsense.

Treat them exactly the same . Examples have been given here of pupils in local comp doing better than their private ed siblings but what if it doesn't work out that way . What if private kid went into to hugely lucrative career whilst other was NMW , imagine the resentment.

I can't think of anything offhand where I wouldn't treat kids equally .

Does he definitely want another child?

I will add as well it does come down to the kids themselves. Some may benefit more from private for various reasons and when they are old enough they are likely to understand that. But you won't know that with a toddler and a baby that's not even a twinkle in your eye yet.

I totally disagree with your dh. A decent state primary is fine. You fill in the gaps with home study and tutoring a lot easier and more cheaply than at secondary.

My dd changed from state to private in year 9. All her choice but she needed to leave her former school and she got far better grades than she would have there. However, there are kids, who thrived in that school.

Are you in a grammar school area? If so, then it’s normal to send your dc to private primary. Otherwise not and even parents, who can well afford it for more than one child stand by state til 8.

It doesn’t sound as if you’re very well off. School fees have jumped massively. I definitely would not send your dc to private school in reception. Imo that would be so wrong if a) you have another child and b) you have to pull them out due to affordability. All you’ll get is resentment from both children.

I know someone with 4 kids and she and her dh have treated them all individually. They all went to the local state primary. Two coped well with the ofsted outstanding brilliant secondary. Two ended up switching to private school as the state school didn’t suit them. However those 2 girls went at different points in time when they needed to be there. And from memory I think they also went to different private schools so at one point she had 4 kids at 3 different secondaries.

It is good for your to have local friends for play dates so I totally agree with you. Save your money for private secondary. If you have more than one child, you may be able to send them both when the time comes. Or you may not need to. I would focus on living in catchment of a brilliant state secondary.

It all depends. My 14 year old is on state because they have a SEN program with integration so it's perfect for him. My 11 year old is in private school because he's a good student and attending our local state would be detrimental to his education and his mh. He attended state primary and was already being teased for liking school and being a good student whereas in his private school all children are keen learners (you have to be in ordet to get a place).

But to decide this from the outset before you know who your children are and their needs/capabilities is grim. I would not have a second child with this man.