To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

I think you need to try not to start with the assumption that private school is always ‘better’.
You can’t really have a theoretical discussion about why you should give your (imaginary?) second child fewer opportunities than the first.

It needs to be in the context of a specific school, and specific child - what does this school offer that other school doesn’t, and will this specific child be so disadvantaged by not having that, that it means we need to do everything in our power to get it?

And you need to be specific - does this child need smaller class sizes? Will they struggle to engage with learning without them? Or do you just think they are ‘better’?

Does this school offer subjects that are your child’s passion, that the other just doesn’t offer at all (maybe a specific sport, languages, music, etc)? Is there another way of accessing them?

If that school really is the only answer, then have the discussion.

My DC go to state school. There is a private school nearby that offers a couple of subjects that I think my DC would have really thrived with and enjoyed, that you can’t do at their state school.
I’m a little disappointed that they haven’t had the chance to experience those specific subjects, but ultimately we didn’t think it was worth it overall. And even if they’d gone there they might have chosen to drop or not take up those subjects anyway.

My husband has several siblings. He was privately educated, as was his older sibling. His parents effectively ran out of money to send the younger ones. It's caused a lot of resentment tbh.

We have twins - one in private, the other in state - state school is academically better than private but the child in private needs the smaller class sizes due to Sen needs. Both kids academic and both passed 11 plus state school child did better in GCSEs.
I used to threaten state school child if they didn’t study I would send them private! They liked being in state as walked to school and had local friends.
seriously but a house near a good state school and use money saved from private to pay for tutors

I know a family who did this. Eldest went to private school on some sort of financial support scheme. That scheme no longer existed by time younger went to senior school so he went to state school. Younger bitterly resented the older having an education and opportunities he never had and it ruined the brothers’ relationship. That caused the parents great pain.

Surely all parents are aware that siblings feel keenly any real or perceived difference in treatment. No way would I do what your H is suggesting.

So statistics track which girls go to public school over their male siblings, or just that girls go to public school?

Even with the best of intentions it will lead to resentment. To me, this would only really be OK if one child had significant learning needs and needed a private specialist provision. Your DH is basically saying 'first come first served'.

If he feels that strongly about private school, he should really be suggesting you don't have any more children (I get you don't want that). I would hope your DH would feel differently if your second DC was actually born and he cared about them.

If you have the money for even one private school place, I think you'd be better off using that to get a house in the catchment area of a good school that all of your children can then attend.

How could you decide who to send to private school otherwise. Would it just be the eldest? Assuming your DH just wants them to be academically successful, what if it turned out that the youngest was the one that was better suited to taking advantage of a private education?

Your family dynamic would always be unequal with one child receiving more than any others. That's unlikely to lead to good relationships in the future.

Why not use state primary and then target highly academically selective private secondary schools. You can give both children the same opportunity to try and gain entry and if both do happen to succeed you’ll only be playing for 5 or possibly 7 years each.

If you do that they’ll almost certainly achieve better exam results than any state school including grammars if that’s your goal.

The statistics show a lot! When I was younger it was so common and opening talked about. Because what was the point in educating girls expensively.

If your husband wants your daughter to have a certain lifestyle then don’t have any more kids. It’s not compulsory to have more than one. What if your next pregnancy turns out to be twins then you won’t be able to afford any private schooling for anyone anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would love to know for those without ND children how many girls are picked to go to private school over their male siblings

I agree and I think as parents we need to try to treat our children in an equitable way but not equally. I have seen friends tie themselves in knots in a bid to give their children the same when in reality the children are so different that they actually needed totally different things to meet their wants and needs.

I know children that would benefit from going to private school but also many children that thrive in the state system. It really isn't the case that private is better for everyone.

It would interesting to know how you would pick who would go to private school. You have a daughter, but if you subsequently had a son would your DH suddenly think it was more important that your son went to private school?
What if you put your first in private and then they didn't turn out to be very clever but the younger one was (or vice versa) but you put one in private? Which would you pick and at what point?

There's nothing wrong with that as both kids are taking the path that is important to their interests. That's quite different to being told, "We can only afford one and we have chosen x."

I have one in private and one in state school
works for us and both kids are happy

equal doesn’t always mean the same.

I agree with children being different.
My OH has two brothers, they are all close in age.
Their father wanted them all to go to private boarding school, but the oldest refused and went to a local comprehensive.
Of the three the brother at comprehensive had a far more enjoyable experience and gained the best exam results.
My OH faired the worst and endured experiences that haunt him to this day.

It depends I did disagree but I have a friend whose son is really into rugby an excellent player - he is going to private school. Her DD is an amazing dancer and is at state and will go to specialist state dance school. I don't see how that's bad.

Anecdotally I agree. Dd is at state most of her best friends are at private dd will say to me that some of them though absolutely lovely girls don’t have a flipping clue. They are in a bubble. Dd knows how privileged she is because she is friends at school with girls that are really not. The private school girls just don’t meet those girls at all.

I voted YANBU because theoretically it’s unfair, however it largely depends on the individual child. Many of the people I know have switched their children to private in response to their individual child’s learning abilities or mental health and ability to integrate socially at state.

I agree with this however the expense of uniform, trips, holidays and tech is not confined to private schools especially if your dc are at a leafy state school!

IMHO YABU to consider private school at all.

The most important lesson a child can learn is that we all come from different walks of life and there’s a lot to be learned from each of us.

Schooling is what shapes a child and segregated schooling is to the detriment of children mixing freely in society. If it’s segregated by wealth, kids grow up elitist and have little grasp of what life’s like for ordinary people.

I see the results. I’ve worked with many people who went to private school. Some don’t even realise their own privilege or that they’re not ordinary, because everyone they know went to private school. They have no idea they’re a tiny minority (6%) of the population. It shows in their decision-making.

This

Mine both went to state primary. DD1 (very academic) went to a comprehensive and did brilliantly. DD2 (less academic) went to a private school and did well. DD1 left school at 16 and went to vocational school, which we in part paid for. Did not go to university but went to work in her vocation. DD2 left private school at 16 and went to a comprehensive for sixth form. Did well. Got a first at university. Both sisters are very close.

“For boys it’s all about the sport”

This is one of the most stereotypical things I have read in a while

😳

Everything else aside, the resentment this could cause between the siblings could be catastrophic to their relationship